HEATING PAD PREACHER

As I sit here this morning, bangin’ out yet another awarding-winning Blermon (blog-sermon), coffee at the ready, cartoons soothingly playing in the background, agonizing back pain shooting down my leg and up through the bottom of my neck (not to worry, it’s just an old baptizing injury - it happens to us Preachers), it occurs to me that all that is missing from this idyllic and creative scene is my trusty heating pad.

(PREACHER'S NOTE: was gonna drop a little clip art in here of a heating pad but it just seemed too condescending.  Look, if you don't know what a heating pad is by now you have no business being on a computer reading a Blermon).

Depending on the time of year, I am never far from my heating pad.  I call him “Paddywack”.  If I could figure out how to keep Paddywack plugged in while I went about my daily Preacher duties I would not only be a happier Preacher, I would also be a rich one.  There’s not a Preacher on the planet who wouldn’t put up big bucks for an electric “Preacher Pad”.  Baptizing injuries are everywhere.

Little Paddywack calms me.  Keeps me warm.  Eases my recurring, ever-present, imaginary psychosomatic pains like a summertime gospel meeting.   He is my electric, adjustable “blankie” buddy in a very real sense. Paddywack makes me feel good about myself and my world in a way that most Elders simply do not. 

I am TOLD that there is a secret army of “Paddywackies” out there who know exactly what I’m talkin’ about.  My wife Gidget is one.  From November to May Gidget is never seen without Paddy at her side, or often under her side, around her side, over her feet.  That girl can hog a heating pad, lemme tell ya.

But remember not all heating pads are created equal.  Some are just flat out mean.  So beware.  They will lull you into a cozy coma of goodness then as soon as you’ve forgotten about them they just...OW!  What in the world?  OW!  OK, I’m not kiddin’ around.  This heating pad just went koo koo.  It just burned a hole through my Preachin’ pajamas!  Can you believe that?  My body again, offered up as a sacrificial, living illustration.  I hope this helped. 

As together we stand and sing.  BP

PREACHER PRESENTS

Well, it’s that time again.  Time to get that Preacher in your life the perfect Christmas gift.

I know many of you have been agonizing over this for months now.  Getting the perfect Preacher Present can be tough.  Buying for a Preacher is like buying for a super hero.  What do they really need?  They’ve already got heaven, a pulpit and a 3-piece suit.  Still, you’ve gotta try.

For some of you - you’re thinking that it’s already too late to get your presents to your Preacher in time for Christmas.  Not to worry.  The good news is MOST Preachers accept Christmas gifts well into the month of April.  As for me - I’ve been known to bust open a package from Santa as late as June.  Deadlines for presents are just silly in my book.

The most important thing is to try to get the Preacher in your life something that is unique and cool, but also somewhat pricey and yet spiritual.  Don’t buy something SO pricey that it can’t be presented at an Elders meeting humble and spiritual.  The one exception here is to make the gift SO expensive and awesome, that all the Preacher can do is shrug and say, “I would’ve never gotten such a materialistic, earthly thing for myself but...it was a gift.  What can I do?”

If your gift LOOKS homemade but can also download 10,000 podcasts or hit 80 mph in 40 seconds you’re really operating in the sweet spot. 

In general I would steer clear of giving any Bible-based gifts.  Figs tend to go bad after a couple of days, and Preachers have very little use for either Frankincense or Myrrh.  Gold, on the other hand looks good with whatever I’m wearing.  When in doubt...go with my new CD available now.  They’ll love it, and many will steal from it.   

As together we stand and sing.

BP

GOOD IS GOOD

It’s a complicated world out there.

And I’m not just referring to Facebook and Twitter.  I’m still not sure how to work Facebook or why anybody would want to be on there passing out pictures to strangers, and the purpose behind twipping on Twitter is as mysterious to me as the book of Deuteronomy. 

But even without those two things, the world can still be a pretty complicated place to try to maneuver.  Every day there are challenges set before us that ask us to make important decisions fast. 

Yellow light: slow down and stop, or blaze through?

Stressed out: go for a walk, or eat an entire pizza?

Fight with your wife: apologize and try to understand, or eat an entire pizza?

The fact is in every situation there is ultimately a “good for all of us” scenario present.  Most of the time we already know what that scenario is but because of fear, or self-interest or whatever passing feelings we might be experiencing at the time, we often don’t see it clearly and instead fall back to the good ‘ole, “what’s best for ME” scenario.

The weird thing is, what’s “good for all of us” IS usually, ultimately good for each of us.  Good medicine is good for you and for me; so is clean air, a speed limit, sharing, fences, leftovers, taking turns a 4-way stops, not stealing from each other.

To finding the ultimate good for all of us may not always be easy, or initially apparent, but it does exist.  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” works.  Twitter and Deuteronomy...I’ll have to get back to you in those...

As together we stand and sing.  

 BP

THEY CALL HIM FLIPPER

I have been accused on various occasions by various and sundry critics of mine that I have periodically indulged in the viewing of particularly bad television.

In response to what many would call “slanderous blah blah blah”  - whatever - lemme just say this: Yes, I have on occasion watched some bad TV.  So what? 

Look, bad TV can be some of the best stuff ON TV these days.  Back in the old days you had to go OUTSIDE to see drug addicts resisting arrest and people eating worms.  Now they camp out right in your house.

The problem is watching too much bad TV can make it hard to sleep.  There are some images on some of those shows that will stick in your brain for the next 5 years and just won’t let go.  It can be quite disturbing.

“Flippers” on little beauty pageant kids is one of those images.  Flippers are what they call the fake adult teeth they put over the little kids' baby teeth so the kids don’t look like a Snaggletooth Tiger.  Instead, they look like Jerry Lewis circa 1964.  It’s terrifying.  

Well, THAT isn't terrifying.  But THIS is...

So is this, but for an entirely different reason...

What’s wrong with these parents?  They willingly dress up their poor, little 4-year-olds in too-expensive-for-them-to-afford sparkly cowboy hats and boots, then stick ‘em out on a stage in a hotel conference room in front of 12 other ridiculous parents and judge them on something called “poise”.  I didn’t know a 4-year-old even HAD poise, or could win a fake diamond CROWN for it.  And who knew you could do ANYthing with  a FLIPPER in their mouth! 

It reminded me of when I was a kid participating in Preaching Pageants.  I was voted “Best Bible Waver” four years in a row.  They didn’t have crowns, but I DID get a shiny silver communion tray with my name on it - which beats a FLIPPER.  


No, trust me.  It does.

As together we stand and sing.    

BP

MIRACLE PREACHING

I was recently asked the question: “Brother Preacher, have you ever worked any miracles on your own?”

It’s a great question.  It hurts my feelings a little bit, but still - it’s a good enough question to give me a topic to preach on today so - who’s complaining?

The reason I say that question hurts my feelings is because I have to admit I have never had the privilege of pullin’ off what might be considered a real “Bible type” miracle on my own.  We all have our talents, and turning water to wine or curing somebody’s earache, just isn’t one of mine.  I’m just not that kind of a Preacher.  I’m more of the preaching type of preacher - and I’m fine with that.  Look, if we ALL walked on water and turned sticks into snakes who would run the flannel graphs?

That’s not to say that I haven’t pulled off some miraculous things in my day.  Are you kiddin’?  Be serious.  Pullin’ off three sermons a week and a Ladies Bible Class isn’t as easy as it looks.  Plus that, I have somehow escaped countless Elder’s meetings virtually unscathed.  And there aren’t a lot of guys my age who can get away with preaching with 2 Bible Hour puppets at an old folks home withOUT the use of a microphone and call it “Tag Team Guest Preaching”. 

But I guess if I HAD to say when I was at my MOST miraculous it would have to be the time I was baptizing a guy in a frozen lake in Colorado WHILE making announcements and then performed CPR on him once the hypothermia kicked in. 

You see, most Preachers make their announcements BEFORE they baptize people and if the “baptizee” then happens to go into hypothermia, most Preachers hardly EVER do CPR.  I do. 

Well, I don’t really know HOW to do CPR but it looked right at the time and it worked for a while at least.  Look, I'm not an EMT guy, I'm a Preacher...who doesn't do miracles.  Lighten up out there.

As together we stand and sing.  

BP

TAPE COLLECTION

I’ve got a tape collection in my church office behind my favorite Bible Concordances that is so huge and so cool, it would make a grown man cry.

If this were still 1988. As it is, it only makes ME cry.  Every time I look at it.

I’ve got about 1,000 cassette tapes, 23,000 8-tracks, some reel to reels and of course 1/2 a million 1/2 inch video tapes, and 1/4 million...are you ready...3/4 inch video tapes.

The GREAT news is, that these tapes are from many of my early days working as a preacher and log ride operator.  I even got some and movie ideas on a lot of them. 

The NOT-SO-GREAT news is that I haven’t had the equipment to play ANY of these ancient “scroll-like” devices in 25 years.  

Still I hold onto them because I “might need them someday” or because “I think there’s some really good stuff on some of that stuff”.  Stuffy stuff.  Oh really?  Pipe down! 

Of course I’m only ASSUMING there’s good stuff on some of those tapes because most of them lost there content labels long ago.

Now before you get all A & E HOARDERS on me - you should know this is the only pile of irrelevant useless junk I possess.  I don’t have stacks and stacks of Precious Memories Angels in my living room or boxes of tin can pull tops in my fireplace.  The only thing that I have too much of and can’t seem to release without causing severe discomfort and distress to my phychie is...my tape collection.  My stupid, pointless, unable to play, pointless...yet possibly worth millions...ancient tape collection.

It that so bad?  I say no. But I always say that about stuff that’s about me and have the possibility of hurting.

There’s a great sermon I preached one time on this very topic back in 1987.  Thank goodness I recorded it.  Now if I only knew which tape it’s on...and somebody who can pay 3/4 inch videotape that hasn’t been opened since George Herbert Walker Bush made all those remarks about...Oh who cares?  I’ve gotta get rid of this stuff.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

FREE LUNCH

A friend of mine bought me lunch the other day. Which really kinda threw me for a loop. 

It’s not that people don’t buy me lunch every once in a while.  On the contrary, people LOVE buying Preacher’s lunch - and getting us hockey tickets...not sure why that is.  I think it may be left over from when us Preacher’s used to preach for fried chicken. 

Oh man...THOSE were the days.  Lemme tell ya - you shoulda heard some of my fried chicken sermons back in the day!   They were short, crispy and delicious...my sermons, I mean, not the chicken. 

Oh man!  I have completely forgotten what it was I was talkin’ about.  What was it?  Let’s see...lunch, chicken and a....well, it’s gone now.  No wait!  I got it!  Lunch, chicken...and uh...oh MAN what was that 3rd thing?!  Oh well, it’s gone now...OOPS!  Anyhow...

It wasn’t the fact that my friend bought me lunch the other day that threw me off, what made my head spin was the fact that it was MY FRIEND buying me lunch. 

This dude NEVER buys me lunch.  Ever.  Not only that but he has never even one time in 35 years ever even gotten close to taking out cash, or a credit card or even a handful of seashells and tried to pay for even as much as a fried cheese stick.  This guy is CHEAP! 

He’s the kind of guy that never QUITE gets his wallet out of his back pocket before someone else has already grabbed the check - which then causes him to say, “OH, really?  Are you sure?  Let’s split it!  No?  OK, well thanks man!”

And of course when we ARE going to split the bill, somehow this guy is always in the bathroom. 

Pathetic.

But maybe I should feel hopeful.  Maybe after all these years, my friend is finally getting what it means to be a responsible, contributing member of society.  That once in a while it;s OK to pay for lunch with a friend.  Maybe this really is a sign of good things to come.

Or maybe he knows I’ve got some deadly disease and should be dead in another 6 months and wants to get on my good side in time for the treading of the will.

I know I shouldn’t but somehow...I’m goin’ with the will reading theory

Pathetic.

As together we stand and sing.

BP