THE STORY OF EASTER

There once was a small, plastic egg lying in the middle of a field.  Early one Sunday morning, the little egg began to move and shake.  Suddenly from out of the egg popped a sweet, little, white bunny surrounded in green, plastic, fake grass.  

As the bunny grew he became known throughout the whole forest as the sweetest bunny who ever lived.  He had a particular fondness for chocolate.  And kids. He was also one of the finest basket weavers in all the land.

Each spring the bunny would make hundreds of baskets filled with chocolate and candy and chocolate eggs, and scatter them throughout the forest in the hopes that children would find and collect the candy and chocolate and chocolate eggs and eat themselves silly as a way to welcome in the coming season.

Everyone loved the bunny.

One Spring, the bunny was out scattering the candy and chocolate eggs throughout the forest when an evil hunter shot the bunny dead right between his ears.  Then he wrapped the bunny in some fake, green, plastic grass and buried him in a plastic egg in the backyard.

The children were devastated.  And the people of the forest wondered if Spring would come without the gifts of the bunny.

Then 3 days later..the bunny arose from the dead...covered in chocolate, with delicious candy eyes and a bow between his ears.

One of the children doubted it was really the bunny come back to life, until he stuck his finger in  the hole still covered by the bow between the bunny's ears. 
After that, everything was cool.

And that little bunny's name...was Jesus.

Somethin' like that.

Honestly, Easter confuses the sap out of me.  

Happy Easter - eat a bunny.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

YUGO INTO ALL THE WORLD...

The Apostle Peter was a fisherman.  The Apostle Paul was a tent maker.  I sell stuff on Ebay.  Sometimes Craigslist.  

I think it's good for preachers to do stuff other than just preaching sometimes.  Keeps you in the "Loop of Life".  Helps you to relate to the common man.  And...can occasionally make you a few bucks on the side. 

Saturdays are big Craigslist days for me.  Today I'm selling my YUGO.

I LOVE my YUGO.  I feel like a Bible smuggler in it.  It  has a broken driver's side window, the passenger side window is knocked out, and there's a bullet hole in the windshield.

  Everywhere I drive it, people always give me a friendly look that says, "I wish I could help that guy." I wish they could too.  But not really.  I always choose sympathy over actual help. 

With each passing mile, my beloved Yugo gives off the slightly increasing aroma of gasoline, which some find disturbing.  I personally find it relaxing.  Sometimes I drive the long way home just to enjoy it longer.  Of course, if I drive TOO long it's hard to remember how to GET home.

It sounds like a weed-eater when it runs.  Take a listen - 

It was even in a movie once.  Which is how the window and windshield met their doom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhHWbHaI4KE

Sigh...I love my YUGO.  I hope I can sell this piece of junk today.  

Then again,  perhaps the Lord has bigger plans for me.  Perhaps he wants me to be a YUGO seller...OF MEN.

And you thought this wasn't going anywhere.  Oh please...

What's that smell? 

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BP's ARK

Whenever it rains "crazy" several days in a row like it has  here, I like to pretend I'm Noah. 

This is not unusual for me.  I often pretend to be Bible characters depending on the weather. When it's really hot, I'm Moses in the desert.  In "the fall" I'm always Adam... POST-Garden of Eden time (I did it "Garden of Eden time" once, went to Home Depot for some gardening tools then realized, I didn't want to get out of the car).  

In the winter, there aren't a LOT of good Bible character choices, so I usually just go with Jeremiah Johnson and call it good.  The prophet Jeremiah in Utah.  

Frog season I'm always Pharaoh.  Anyhow...

In the rain, I'm Noah.  Which basically means, I put on my bathrobe and sandals, lock up all the doors and windows of my house (except for ONE tiny window in the attic), and then fill the house with all the animals I can trap and stuff into my living room.

Needless to say, the insights I have received from this exercise have been life changing!  I may never preach on Noah the same again.  Here are just a few of my observations - 

1.) Animals you lock in your house are hard on rugs.  It's amazing how quickly you come to appreciate the specific challenges faced by Noah sharing an ARK with a bunch of wild animals when you are sharing your HOUSE with a horse, three flyin' squirrels, 2 geese and a raccoon. Let's just say there is not enough "Pet Spray Carpet Cleaner" in the world to keep up. 

Which brings me to my second valuable insight - 

2.) One tiny attic window does NOT make for ample ark ventilation.  See item #1.  I mean it is SO not enough ventilation.  It'll make your head spin - my eyes are still burning.

3.) Geese and raccoons are NOT good playmates.  Raccoons are kinda mean when they get hungry.  And Geese have a pretty nasty bite considering they don't have any teeth.   But surprisingly, in a fight between a goose and a raccoon, put your money on the goose.

4.) After 2 days, flying squirrels begin to look an awful lot like rats with wings.

And finally - 

5.) MRS. Noah is not the team player I thought she was.  We all have our limits.  For Gidget, its her carpets.  She  ALSO has a pretty nasty bite.  In a fight between a goose and Gidget, put your money on Gidget.

And you thought you KNEW the story of Noah. 

Sure makes me understand a little bit more why he got drunk after he got off that ark.  I got rid of MY animals yesterday and I'm having a strong urge for a Nyquil nap and some cookies.  After I throw out the rugs, of course.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

I FEEL LIKE A SERMON BUT LOOK LIKE A PREACHER

Sometimes I wake up so filled with creative preaching power I have no choice but to immediately unload it onto an unsuspecting world.  THIS is one of those mornings.  And YOU are that world.  I wish I was you right now, and could experience what you are about to experience.  You're so lucky.  I, on the other hand...am but a simple Preacher/servant...with more talent than I know what to do with.  Strap in.

S is for the SONGS before it

E is ESTHER, hard to find

R, RICCOLA on my pulpit

M is MINISTER, hard to rhyme 

O, I OFFER the invitation

N, though NO ONE'S dunked this time

Y?  We may never really know.  I blame them, the sermon's fine.

SERMONY, SERMONY in my bones

I feel SERMONY rain or shine

SERMONY, SERMONY, where's my phone? 

I feel SERMONY all the time.

Powerful Poem.


Powerful...blah blah blah.  Whatever.

As together we stand and sing.


BP

BLEACHER BOY VS THE WOLFMAN

Yesterday, The Wolfman left a comment regarding my fabulous blermonTM on "Bible Talk For Modern Times"  that I should probably respond to.  

I think I just dangled my participle there.  Sorry 'bout that.  I hate when that happens.  It's embarrassing.  Like leaving underwear on the clothesline.  Anyhow, The Wolfman writes:

Some words you have to be careful of using that are in the Bible, 

as expressed in the previous discussions on Balaam 

and his "posterior equination of transportation". 

One example of this is 1 Kings 21:21 in the KJV- 

check it out and make a few comments on that, bleacher boy.

Awooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Ouch) 

  
First off, I absolutely LOVE being called "Bleacher Boy".  Makes me think I'm some sort of a super hero.  

"Bleacher Boy VS The Magic PEW-tred!"  

"The baptistry's overflowing!  

Bleacher Boy, where are you?!"  

Somethin' like that. The t-shirts would be fantastic. I know that.

But back to The Wolfman's intriguing comment. He is clearly referring here to the verse in I Kings where disaster is promised to be brought down on those who expel their bladders on walls.  

It's not a topic you hear preached EVERY morning in pulpits across the country, this is true.  But I have NO trouble discussing it here, or any other verse.  After all, it is IN the Bible and it's no secret that for centuries, people (particularly college guys) have been known to emulate this verse from time to time.  Particularly on game days.

I will admit, it's not a HUGE problem where I live, but if it WAS, I would support the Biblical example here in I Kings and bring down serious disaster on anyone who felt the need to do that on any walls of mine.  That goes for my front yard too.  

And they REALLY don't wanna mess with Gidget.  Once she gets started on 'em, she really has no off switch.  It's not pretty. 

So, case close.  Bible closed.  I'm moving on.  Preachin' is easy.

I think the bigger question here is one we have brought up before in regard to The Wolfman.  "What in the world is he dropping on himself at the end of his comments?"  Once again, he ends his comment this time with these disturbing words:

"Awooooooooooooooooooo!  (Ouch)."

The Wolfman worries me.  If he keeps this self-destructive behavior up, there won't be enough left of him to leave his in-depth comments.  If only there was some kind of a preaching-super-hero-blogging-guy around who could save The Wolfman from himself.  

Well, maybe there is...just maybe...there is...

"Look!  Up by the Pulpit!  

It's a Preacher!  

It's a Blogger!  

It's...BLEACHER BOY!"

I LOVE  that. I wonder if Gidget knows anything about making t-shirts?

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BIBLE TALK FOR MODERN TIMES

In Genesis 18:9 the Bible says -

And they said unto him, 

Where is Sarah thy wife?

And he said, Behold, in the tent.

Judges 1:2 says this -

And the LORD said, 

Judah shall go up: behold, 

I have delivered the land into his hand.

Finally, we read in Matthew 24:25 -

Behold, I have told you before.

Three different verses.

Three different topics.

All with one thing in common: BEHOLD.  

I LOVE the word behold.  I use it all the time just walkin' around town.  Makes me sound like I'm from Bible times.  And Amish.  Either way, it tends to freak people out just a little bit.  Which I love.  

You say, "But Preacher, why would you wanna freak people out?"

Are we not called to be a peculiar people, and fools for Christ?  What better way to DO that than to talk Bible talk in modern times?  Well, I've freaked people out in a MILLION other and BETTER ways, but I won't get into that here.  

Let's start slow.  Let's start with the power of...BEHOLD.

For example, every time I go to the Post Office I tell the guy -

"Behold, as I have said thrice afore times unto this, behold I do NOT need any more stamps for mine packages!"

Or maybe to Gidget I'll say- 

"For behold it is unto day, I will arise and do mine work out." 

Or maybe - 

"Behold, here is pizza!  What doth hinder me from arising and eatting?!"  (Answer: Gidget).

Here's a tricky one - 

"Behold this for me while I get the keys."

"Behold my be-bible 'tis be-bopen! I shall be-bleach to the bultitudes, and be-no one can be-bop me!"

The great thing about this particular Bible word is that it works in almost ANY situation, AND...it is IN the Bible!  So people can't give you grief for using it.  

"Behold, get off my be-back!  I'm talkin' Bible talk!"

So I will be beholden to no man for using the word behold, behold.

Let's all talk some Bible talk today.  Shake things up a little.  Start freakin' people out.  For behold, it's the least we can do.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

IT'S MONDAY - I'M SORRY

Well, here we go again - Monday morning.  I'm sorry.

(SIGH)

It's the end of the weekend.  The beginning of the work week.  With any luck, the rain should kick in soon, or maybe a late April winter storm.  Anything to make Monday more "joyous and exciting". 

Remember back three days ago, when you were just leaving work?  Oh, man.  That was a great time.  Back then it was FRIDAY night!  You picked up some White Castle on the way home and turned up your ABBA tapes.  "Take A Chance On Me" was blarin' from your speakers and you were dancin' in your car, eattin' hamburgers like a maniac.  

The weekend had arrived, and you deserved it!  What a wonderful feeling that was!

And wasn't it a wonderful weekend?    So relaxing, so rejuvenating, so..."weekendy".  

Good.  Glad you enjoyed all that.  Because it's all over now.  

Why?  

Because NOW is MONDAY.  And Monday STINKS.

Now it's time to get with it, strap in, get serious.  Time to start the coffee, eat some bacon and bring home some more bacon.  

Monday is when things get done, bills get paid and nations are built.  Monday is the beginning of a long, tough, lousy week.  There is no "hump" to Monday, it's all uphill.  It is the bottom of the mountain looking up and there's just no way around it. 

Monday stinks.  But at least, we're all in the same boat.

Well...YOU'RE all in the same boat.  

I'm a Preacher.  Monday's are MY day off.  The only boat I'm in, I'm fishin' out of.

I LOVE Mondays. 

I hate to say this but, there is NO better time to go see a movie than Monday morning.  No lines.  No people.  No kids.  Everybody at the popcorn counter knows me by name and gives me free refills on whatever I want.  

Though I won't see a movie today.  Too cold and rainy.  I sleep in when it's cold and rainy and Monday.   Stay in bed and watch The Three Stooges on my computer.  

And all that bacon talk has got me in the mood to just lie here and watch the Stooges while I suck the fat out of some bacon that Gidget will bring me later.  


ABBA is such happy music.  I'm playing it right now.  More people like them than let on.

THAT is Monday to ME.

That's Monday to a PREACHER.

I hope that didn't come out wrong.  Sounds a little braggy when I read those last lines out loud.  

Oh well, who cares?  Nobody was givin' me any love yesterday when I was preachin' on the weekend.  Serves you right. 

Have a GREAT day!

As together we stand and sing.

BP