MONKEY PREACHER

 I heard one time that if you sat a monkey in front of a typewriter and gave him enough time, eventually he would type all the plays of William Shakespeare. 

That’s some monkey; and I’m guessing a fair amount of bananas.  I’d hate to see what an Emu would come up with.  Now that I think of it, maybe that’s how they wrote the 70’s mega-hit, “Threes Company”.  I always thought that show had a certain “monkey loose on a typewriter” feel to it.

Now, I don’t know whether there’s much to this whole “monkey typing” thing, but I’m willing to give it a shot.  So I want all the Zoo Keepers of this Blurch (blog-church) to know that I’d be willing to give some honest, hard-working, young monkey a try at writing Blermons (blog-sermons) for me.  He must be a self-starter, able to work with deadlines and wear pants.  I’ll provide the computer and a tire swing.  I’ll need a semi-daily Blermon (make that “daily”) roughly 2 minutes in length.  Most importantly: No Tarzan jokes.

Monkey Bleaching (blog-preaching) could be a real turning point for this Blurch.  As far as I know, it would be the only one of it’s kind in the entire Preacherhood.  Well, except for all of Pat Robertson’s stuff.  I’m pretty sure a monkey does his stuff.  And I think Benny Hinn has a goldfish writing his sermons now.  At least that what it seems like to me.

What could it hurt?  Having a monkey write my Blermons couldn’t be any worse than what I do now.  And I KNOW they’d be better than the ones I hear from a certain TV preacher who will remain nameless, but rhymes with Joel Olsteen.  For now, let’s just call him Mole Tolsteen.

The only draw back to Monkey Preaching would be finding a monkey who could actually pull off an award-winning Blermon.  I mean, nobody ever said “put a monkey at a computer and give him enough time and a Blermon will pop out”.  All that’s ever been promised was the Shakespeare stuff.  Personally, I prefer my Blermons and sermons to be Bible-y in nature.  Shakespeare just makes my head hurt, though some of it DOES remind me of King James. 

Of course, all of this is a mute point if whatever monkey I get to write Blermons refuses to also do hospital visits.  

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PEOPLE PROBLEMS

Let’s face it, Preaching can be tough.  Especially the way I do it. Not everybody brings in a donkey and a replica of the Sanhedrin on Palm Sunday.  

But there are other reasons.

As I have described in countless Blermons (blog-sermons) before, Preaching is not for the faint of heart.  It is not for the thin of skin, or the touchy of feelings.  Preachers have to be tough.  

It reminds me of the words of that old gospel tune: “Weenies are for buns, not pulpits”.  And really, the same can be said for hamburgers...though I don’t think it’s quite as good of an illustration, or gospel song, for that matter.  Anyhow...

There are many things that can make Preaching tough.  For example: the sermons are a pain in the neck.  They just keep comin’ at you every week.  You can preach the best sermon of your life on one Sunday and then guess what?  Tuesday comes around and you’ve suddenly gotta pick up, find your concordance and your “Cool Quotes Book”, do it all again!  It’s exhausting! 

And I don’t know about you but all that READING really gets on my ever last nerve.  If preaching didn’t have all that reading and studying attached to it, it really wouldn’t be a half-bad gig.  

Unfortunately, reading is not going away anytime soon.  So we might as well just settle down and learn the alphabet now - which is what I’m doing. 

NOTE: learn the “Alphabet Song”, it’s easier that way.

But besides the sermons, there are the classes and the visits, and all the Pot Lucks you gotta pray over.  And if I have to ruin one more suit with fishy lake water, from baptizin’ some kid at church camp, I may go just go cargo shorts and never look back!

But as any Preacher knows, the biggest challenge facing Preachers today is, of course, the existence of PEOPLE. 

It is PEOPLE who cause more troubles for Preachers than see-thru pulpits and Greek Lexicons COMBINED.  And yet the church is literally CRAWLIN’ with people!

When did THIS happen?  When did all these people start showin’ up in Church?  You know the ones I’m talkin’ about.  They’re always runnin’ around with all their “faults” and “failures” and “foot pain”.  The ones with all their “thoughts” and “suggestions for sermons topics” and “opinions on my ties”.  The ones that do all the whining about their family problems, and sin struggles, and the blah blah.  The ones who get sweaty and hungry and tired and then expect me to fix it. 

The Grumpy Elder people.  

THOSE people.  They drive me nuts.

I heard the other day that church attendance is starting to go down.  I fail to see the problem here.  The way I see it, the fewer people who show up for church mean fewer problems for me. 

Which is why I wanna thank the churches out there who are doing whatever they can to keep people OUT of their churches.  You are a Preachers dream.  Keep up the good work.  Keep those numbers down.  People are just problems.  Take it from me.

And for all us Preachers, I say, “Thank you”.

I’m kinda nontraditional that way.  

Unemployed.  But nontraditional.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

I LOVE PREACHING

“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might...” Ecclesiastes 9:10

I love preaching.  No.  I mean I REALLY love preaching.

No.  Sorry.  You’re not getting it.  Preaching is my bag.  It’s my “thing”.  It’s what I wanna do more than anything else, including golf.  Which is a terrible example, because I hate golf.  

But I LOVE preaching.  I love it.  I dig it.  Or as the great Winston Churchill once said,

“Me diggy biggy.”

At least I think it was him who said that.  Might have been me.  What am I sayin’?  I think it was my brother-in-law.  Doesn’t matter.  Anyhow...

Naturally, when I say I love preaching, it’s not lost on me as to WHY I SHOULD love preaching.  You know the whole, getting folks saved thing.  And I DO love it for that reason.  After all, I DO get it, I know the over all purpose of preaching, the importance of it.  But I think I would be being less than honest if I sat here and told you that was the ONLY reason why I loved it.  Not even close.

Ever since I was a little kid, I have just loved pulpits. I love reading announcements.  I love welcoming visitors.  And there’s really nothing in this world more fun than waving a Bible around at people.  Don’t believe me?  Try it.  Makes you feel like...I don’t know what.  Like a guy waving a Bible at people, I guess.  Which, as it turns out, is pretty dang fun to do!

Which reminds me, there was an old Preacher I knew when I was a kid.  One time he was preaching and was just wavin’ his Bible around like crazy.  He was really gettin’ wound up when he said,  “If we’re not gonna follow this book, we might as well just throw it away!” And then he THREW it WAY out into the crowd!  Knocked Sister Mabel’s hat clean off her old head.    Talk about great.  Talk about fan-tas-tic.  I was hooked.  I HAD to be a preacher after seein’ that.

Besides, what other job besides preaching that let’s you scream at people, tell jokes, eat all he fried chicken you can choke down and occasionally dunk people in a river?

I love preaching.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

EPS SDP TESTING, TESTING 1-2-3

This is a test of the Emergency Preaching System. This is ONLY a test.  

Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeach!

Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Baptiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiize!

Puuuullllpiiiiiiiiiit!

We have a just couple of announcements before we get started...

Turn in your Bibles if you would to...

A story is told of a little dog named Dippity Doo Doo...

In Closing...

Thus concludes our test of the Emergency Preaching System.  

Had this been an ACTUAL preaching emergency you would have been instructed as what to do to be saved as well as what to bring to the Pot Luck. 

Remember: Preaching is not for just anybody.  A pulpit in the wrong hands can be dangerous to you as well as to those around you.  

Before you preach, eat a peach.

Never attempt to preach unless there is someone else in the room listening to you.  If you are preaching only to yourself - take the hint and start selling insurance instead.

Before submitting anybody to a sermon make sure you have REALLY heard "the call" from ON HIGH, and not a radio that's been left on in the next room.  

If your preacher is preaching from a Dr. Suess book instead of a Bible contact this blog immediately.

If you or someone you love is in need of emergency preaching contact this blog immediately and ask for Bible-based, pretty good preaching in a hurry.  

PS - I'm the only Preacher I know of who has a flashing preaching light on my car.  I also make a pretty good siren noise by holdin' my nose and rollin' my tongue.  What can I say?  I'm good. 

As together we stand and sing.


BP