WHY I LOVE THE OLD TESTAMENT (#3)

I used to know a kid named Kwalk-oo.

I also knew a kid named Brian.

Kwalk-oo got all the girls.  Why?  Because Kwalk-oo is a cool name.

The Old Testament is jam-packed with cool, weird names.  Let's look at a few of them.

First off there's Hagar; handmaid of Sarah, concubine of Abraham and mother of Ishmael.  It was also one of the best Sunday Morning Funnies I have EVER read. Anything that's a Viking, a comic AND in the Bible is a tough combo to beat in my book.

Next there's Nimrod.  Nimrod was a great hunter and the son of Cush.  Nimrod is also a fantastic name to call somebody on the playground, as in, "You Nimrod!"  I find if you tell somebody off with a name from the Bible it is VERY tough to find a come back.  Same goes for "Stiff-necked, uncircumcised, white-washed sepulcher of dead men's bones."  There's just not anything you can say to that.

The King of Assyria's name was  Sennacherib.  I don't even know how to PRONOUNCE that name.  And what do you call him for short?  "Senn"?  "Rib"?  "Brian"?

Holofernes, General of Nebuchadnezzar, is no better.  "Hello, Holo!  Any orders for today?  Nice medals."

Gad was the son of Jacob and Zilpah.  Famous for inventing the phrase: "E-gad!"  As in, "E-gad, my mother is named Zilpah!"

Abihu was the Son of Aaron.  Always makes me think of that song, "Blue Abihu".

Adonijah was one of David's sons, and probably the trouble maker of the family.  You don't name an "easy" kid Adonijah, you name him Brian.  Adonijah was trouble.

Amram was Moses' dad.  And as tough as one and a half Dodge trucks.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

WHY I LOVE THE OLD TESTAMENT (#2)

Deut. 25: 8-10 says this...

"At this, the elders of the town should summon him and reason with him. If he still stands his ground and says I refuse to take her, his brother's widow must go up to him in the presence of the elders, pull his sandal off his foot, spit in his face, and declare, 'Thus we requite the man who will not build up his brother's family. His family will be known in Israel as the house of the unsandalled man.'"

Let's face it: I love wearing sandals.  

I think they're comfortable, airy, stylish, and often make me feel like Jesus.  Especially when I wear my white Hilton Hotel robe and blue sash from the fabric store with them.  I can think of no  MORE first century fashion statement - except maybe a donkey.  Or a beard.

At the very least, when I wear sandals, I feel like Elijah.  And sometimes the Apostle Thomas, when I'm feeling "Doubt-y" at the time.

Here in this passage, we learn that there is the very real possibility for trouble if you happen to be a "sandal wearing guy with a dead brother who doesn't really dig your sister-in-law." 

Lucky for me, while I DO wear sandals, I do NOT have a brother (dead or otherwise).  So... I'm kinda in the clear on this one, I guess.  NO matter what I do, my family will not be known as a "house of a sandal-less" one.  

Whew.  That's a relief.  I tell ya, the Old Testament can be such a comfort.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

WHY I LOVE THE OLD TESTAMENT (#1)

2 Kings 2:23-24 says this:  

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Needless to say, I have ALWAYS loved this verse.    

Nowhere else in the Bible will you find such direct, clear teaching on what to do with mouthy kids who make fun of bald Preachers.  It's a simple formula really --

1.) Mouth off to a bald Preacher.

2.) Become supper for a bear.

What simplicity.  What clarity.

Just two more reasons why I LOVE the Old Testament!

Over the years many have commented on the "brevity of hair" that has become my ever increasing trademark.  Hat sellers and sun block lotion stores LOVE me, by the way. 

It's true, I have been known to deal with my few fading follicles as one might deal with a spoiled puppy.  I let them do whatever they want.  

And why not?  They're the "SURVIVORS", after all.  They STAYED when the "others" LEFT!   

I'm happy to have all 25 of them.  Or 19.  Whatever it is now.  So, let 'em do as they please.

What a joy it is for a Preacher in my particular situation, to find such a wonderfully specific solution to a such a common problem as the mouthy kid.   

Let's face it, kids can be cruel.  

But let's face it again, I can be crueler.  

I agree with Jesus when he said, "Whenever the Little Children come unto me, I SUFFER."

Somethin' like that.  

I'm quoting that from memory, of course but..well, you get it.  Bottom line: kids drove Jesus and Elijah NUTS!  And I'm no different!

So...watch yourself kids.  I've always wanted a couple of pet bears hangin' out in the back yard.  And for all you know, I've already made THAT little dream come true. And no, I would NOT  suggest you lookin' back there to see whether or not I really have 'em or not either.  

Why?  Because I just threw some hot dogs back there and those bears may already be in their feeding frenzy by now.  So...

Be cool.  Stay in school.  And don't get mouthy around a touchy, vain Preacher who just fed bears some hot dogs.  

As together we stand and sing.

BP