Showing posts with label dis-fellowshiped. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dis-fellowshiped. Show all posts

Thursday, August 25, 2011

DISAPPEARING DISFELLOWSHIPS



A while back I was having dinner with a few of friends of mine.

Naturally, because I was there, the conversation eventually turned to Bible-y, church-y stuff.   I have that influence on people.  They can’t help it.  I’m THAT powerful. Charismatic.  They can be talkin’ about Australian Rules Football one minute and before they know it, I’ve shifted the whole conversation to the Abomination of Desolation spoken of in the book of Daniel.  Which MAY explain why I don’t get invited to a lot of parties.  Anyhow...

Usually I’m pretty bored by people, especially when they’re sayin’ stuff.  But to my surprise, I was suddenly brought out of my nacho-induced stupor when one of my friends informed the group that she did not believe in people being disfellowshipped.  She said she didn’t think it existed.

As one who has been disfellowshipped countless times before, naturally this caught my attention. For the record, I’ve been disfellowshipped 9 times, black-balled 3 times, kicked out of 2 Christian colleges and 1 Brownie Troop.  I only wish I could have done more.

Ask me why I have been disfellowshipped (or kicked out of particular congregations) so many times, I’m not sure I could give you a satisfactory answer; primarily because I was never given a satisfactory answer by any of my Disfellowshippers. 

Suffice to say it was never for any Bible-y reason.  There was no immoral, greedy, idolatrous, swindling going on.  Usually it was because of a sermon I preached that somebody didn’t like, or an opinion I held that somebody disagreed with, or suit I wore that “offended” somebody.  You get it. The usual.

When you ask a Disfellowshipper to be specific as to why they think you should be disfellowshipped, they get sort of embarrassed and confused and very mumble-y.  Kinda takes the fun out of the whole thing when you have to actually start THNKIN’ stuff through.  I should know, I HATE thinkin’ stuff through.

The good news is, hardly anyone is ever kicked out of church anymore.  Not because they shouldn’t be, but because it just isn’t done anymore.  Churches need all the folks they can get these days, and to go around kickin’ out the few that are at least showin’ up once in a while just isn’t good for business.

Plus that, throwin’ people out of church just isn’t polite.  We don’t wanna “judge” anybody’s actions these days.  We don’t want to expect anything from them, let alone ourselves.  Most people and churches would rather be polite than right any day. 

So here we have a Biblical practice that was at one time employed fairly regularly yet often incorrectly and for the wrong reasons, that is now NEVER employed because it might hurt people’s feelings. 

Maybe my friend was right.  Maybe disfellowshipping doesn’t exist. 

If those are the choices, maybe it never should have.

(insert hilarious joke here)

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Saturday, June 4, 2011

MY WEDDING MIRACLE

The pressure's on.

As members of this semi-global BlongregationTM know, today is my niece's wedding.  Which only means one thing:  

ALL EYES WILL BE ON ME

If you're not a Preacher you won't understand that.  You see, MOST folks think that weddings are about the cake, the dress, the bride, or possibly the "after the ceremony" reception dance moves of that annoying little 6 year old kid who CLAIMS he's Break Dancing.  

All weddings have those dumb, little kids.  I can't STAND 'em.  For the record that kid ISN'T Break Dancing!  He is simply doing what is called: "Rolling Around On The Floor In Your Church Clothes."

I will never understand why everybody's always so impressed with that cocky, little punk.  I've been "Breakin'" since I was 35, I should know what it's supposed to look like, but nobody claps when I do it.  Barbarians.  Anyhow...

The pressure is on for me today not only to take over when the scheduled Preacher passes out or drops dead in the middle of the ceremony (which happens all the time.  It's why I go to weddings in the first place.  It's called: Emergency Preaching), but more importantly to perform my obligatory wedding miracle.

This all started with Jesus, of course.  When he was at the wedding in Cana, his mother asked him to change water into wine.  So he did it and everybody got happy.  Once again, the Bible proves that people love magic tricks at weddings.  And as a Bible-based, "with it" Preacher, I recognize this fact and never disappoint.

Often, preparing for my wedding miracle can take more time than the sermon itself.  And that makes sense.  Look, miracles can be tough to pull off these days.  Audiences just aren't as easily impressed as they were in Jesus' day.  I blame the Internet.  And roller coasters.  

You'd think turning water to wine would be fairly easy to pull off - it is not.  Personally, I think baptizin' a fat guy is easier.  And THAT is tough to pull off, take it from me.  Fat guys tend to float on ya.  Anyhow...

Doing the water to wine thing will be tough to pull off today primarily because this IS Oklahoma.  While they do love their Bible here, they prefer their own reading of it whenever possible.  So, instead of "Water to Wine", I'll probably have to settle for "Water to KOOL-AIDE."

Won't be nearly as impressive, I know, but it oughtta save me from gettin' another dis-fellowshipment.

The good news is, so far this morning, my warm-up sessions have been going pretty good.  I've already changed my orange juice to water and my coffee to decaf.  

Don't believe me?  Take a look.


As together we stand and sing.

BP