PREACHER DOG

I wish dogs could preach.

What am I saying?  I wish dogs could run for office and were in charge of all parking enforcement. I love dogs.  Who doesn’t?

Even “cat people” appreciate the steady, non-judgmental, loyalty and devotion of dogs.  I can’t say that “dog people” are always so open-minded in return. But is this the “dog person’s” problem, or does it point to failings in the cat?

Hang on - I don’t wanna get into all that.  This Blermon (blog-sermon) is supposed to be about Dogs preaching, not “Why Cats Can’t Be Deacons”.  Stay focused.  Everybody just calm down out there.

I guess the biggest challenge for dogs preaching (after the grief they’d no doubt catch from all the other Whiny Human Preachers), would be the fact that dogs can’t really talk. Talking is an important requirement to effective preaching, and let’s face it, dogs don’t really have that one down.

I know you THINK your dog talks, but he doesn’t.  Not really.  One time I had a dog who said, “I love what you’ve done with the garage, let’s eat pizza.”  But it only happened once, and I think he was being condescending.

There are only 2 examples in the Bible of animals talking: Balaam’s donkey, and the Garden of Eden snake, and neither one of those really worked out great.  Imagine how different things would be if Eve had met a talking dog instead of the snake. 

DOG: “HEY, I KNOW!  Let’s eat THIS fruit!

EVE: “Can’t Mr. Bojangles.  God said not to.”

DOG: “But...”

EVE: “No!”

DOG: “WHIIIIIIINE!!!!”

EVE: “No, Mr. Bojangles!  NO!  No, no, no.”

DOG:  “OK, sorry, my bad.  Hey, I KNOW!  Let’s go chase something up a tree and then pee on stuff instead.”

What a better world it would have been. 

Dog sermons would be FUN too.  They’d have great stories, and probably include a nap in the middle.  When they did their hospital visits, they wouldn’t ask a lot of questions about your surgery, they’d just curl up next to you and lick your IV.  And if anybody got lost down river during a baptism, a good, ‘ole Dog Preacher could retrieve them, no problem. 

I’m sorry to say that chances are this Sunday you will be listening to a human Preacher.  Try to not look disappointed.  Human preachers can be OK.  They certainly try hard.  Do your best to give them at least as much of a chance as you would give a guest Beagle Preacher.

And who knows?  Afterwards, your human Preacher might really appreciate a little tummy rub or a nice, hard ear scratch along with a little, “Good boy!  What a nice sermon!  Good boy!  Good boy!  Wanna cookie!?  Come on!  Let’s go outside and chase something up a tree and pee on stuff.”

It might just be what your Preacher has been dying to hear you say.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

2 BY 2, BYE BYE

Let's face it,  the "Last Days" BleachingTM (blog-preaching) I've been grinding out all this week just MIGHT be my most earth-shaking BlermonTM (blog-sermon) Series to date.  

It's powerful stuff.  

And I'm a powerful Preacher.  

That's a deadly combo.  You don't stand a chance. Give up now.

Of course, I've HAD my doubters along the way.  When I first started Bleaching this series many thought it was a joke.  Others thought I had simply stumbled upon a topic I could milk for a week of easy Blermons (blog-sermons).  

I WILL admit, it HAS been handy.

Jay, a valuable member of this BlongregationTM, put it this way in a comment on an earlier Blermon from this week.  Jay writes...

BP....I commend you for your courage in taking on this issue, but I fear your warning is not being taken seriously. The faithful in the fold are listening, and we're with you on the whole "Go out and do something cool" admonition. But I fear the masses are scoffing. Surely you knew it would happen, that in the last days scoffers would come scoffing. If you really want to sound the alarm I suggest that on your next visit to the diner, you might try squeeking out a couple verses of troublesome times are here filling men's hearts with fear. -- Jay

Clearly, Jay has done some Preaching in his time.  He knows that sometimes you just have to scare the pants off of people if you want results.

What am I saying?  Simpy this: prepare to be SERMON SCARED!

If I have to go to my favorite diner in shorts and sweaty thighs and start "squeakin'' out scary CHURCH songs on the pleather diner stools just to save a few...

Don't PUSH me.  I'll DO it.  I've DONE it.  This morning! 

With the world coming to an end on Saturday, I've got a pretty light schedule these days.  It's not hard for me to FIND the time to "Diner Stool Church Song Squeak."

And don't think I don't know that the closer we get to Saturday, all of this is starting to make SOME of you just a little bit nervous.

"What if 'ole BP is RIGHT?"

"What if it really IS over on Saturday?"
"Maybe I WILL skip work Friday, after all!"

And you can bet I'LL be skipping work on Friday.  Heck...I've skipped work all this week!  

And to all those cranky Elders of mine who try to make me teach Ladies Bible Class every week I have just 3 words:    

Not...gonna...happen.

COUNTDOWN TO FINAL DESTRUCTION:

2 DAYS

I LOVE scarin' the pants off of people.  


And dogs.  Here are TWO.  As in "All the days you have left".

As together we stand and sing.

BP