Thought Of The Day #2

"I wonder if manna tastes anything like oatmeal?"

I hope so.  I love oatmeal.

I would've made a good Israelite.  

'Cause I'd never complain about the manna.  

As long as it tasted like oatmeal.  

I'd just wander around the desert 

and eat my oatmeal 

and keep my mouth shut.

Of course, if it tasted like calamari I'd be in trouble.

Moses woulda had his hands full with me then. 

I HATE calamari.  

Let's just say this: 

if manna tasted like calamari 

I'd be one complaining, 

lost in the desert Israelite.  

So thank goodness manna tastes like oatmeal.  

At least I hope it does.

I think I'll have some oatmeal for breakfast.

Unless we have still have some manna leftover.

Quail?  No thanks.  Too bony.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

MY WIFE'S A THIEF!

In I Thessalonians 5:2 the Apostle Paul writes,

"For yourselves know perfectly 

that the day of the Lord so cometh 

as a thief in the night." 

 

In this verse, Paul reminds us that the Lord will come again "like a thief in the night", implying that we therefore need to be ready at all times for his return.

 

This is also true of wives.  Who've been away on trips to see their families.  And are coming home sometime today. 

Specifically, this is true of MY wife, Gidget.  Who is flying home today after a week at her father's house.  

 

Oh, what a wonderful time this would be for me to be organized!  Imagine, if I was organized right now, I could go to wherever her flight information is, read it,  and then go pick her up.  Easy.

 

Sadly, I am NOT organized - so I am doomed.

 

You say, "Preacher, just call her on the phone and ask her when she's coming in."

 

Listen, if I call and ask Gidget her flight information again she will immediately begin to yell and cry and accuse me of never loving her.  It's a whole mess I'd rather avoid, thanks just the same.  I hate it when Gidget cries.  She starts to hiccup snot.  It's not a good time for either of us.

 

The only option left to me now is to get up and go sit at the airport all day today till she shows up.  I'll need lots quarters for the vending machines.  

 

The problem is, as many of you know, I have been in a Nyquil stupor the last 2 days and have awakened to find not only is my head still filled with liquid gunk, but our house has been completely destroyed by the Nyquil elves.  It is a TRAIN WRECK in here.

 

This will not fly with Gidget.  When she left, the house looked like we were trying to sell it.  Pristine, beautiful.  Now, it looks like a replica of  the final scene of "Animal House" or maybe "Gone With The Wind."  

 

I don't know what happened.  Well, I KNOW what happened.  Me on NYQUIL happened.  

 

There are used Puffs stacked up in every corner, soup cans on the dresser, clothes and socks on the steps and in the vaporizer.  I've got honey covered Uno cards in the refrigerator.  

 

I found an entire game of RISK going on under the covers of my bed. 

 

I shaved I think last Thursday, so I look like Og the Caveman.  Smell like him too.   Gidget will love that.  I am a picture of true Cassanova-nis.  The dry cough is cute too.

Nyquil is nasty stuff!  Stay in School!  I feel terrible.  Who are you?  Who am I?  Huh?

 

I've gotta get cleaned up, get this house cleaned and get to the airport in about an hour and try to save my marriage.  I'd be there by now but I had to write this blog.  

 

Such dedication!  Such professionalism.

 

I'm an idiot.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

The Plague and Puffs

Whenever I can, I like to  find a verse in the Bible that pertains to whatever it is I'm going through at any particular point in time.  Obviously, there are times in life when this can be a bit of a challenge.  

For example, I've never found a verse that talks about eating Lucky Charms,  or loving to watch cartoons; two BIGGIES for me.  

On the other hand, I've never killed a giant or set a nation free from bondage in Egypt; though if I ever do, at least I'll know where to find it in the Bible.

So it can be tough.

Which is why you can imagine my delight when this morning I stumbled upon  this verse from Psalm 73 which perfectly describes what I've been going through the last few days:

"For all the day long have I been plagued, 

and chastened every morning."

How exciting.  

 

Who knew that I would find a verse in the Bible that perfectly described my day yesterday as well as my morning today!?  

 

For yesterday, I WAS indeed "plagued all day long", as I spent literally hours sneezing, and snorting, and coughing up who knows what all, while my head was spinning, and my ears were ringing, as my Nyquil-addled mind took to me to realms only experienced by Alice of Wonderland fame.  

 

I think I was actually talking to a rabbit out in my yard at one point - hope I remembered my PJs.  I tell ya, Nyquil can do a number on ya if you take it during the day.

 

Then this morning I woke up feeling...even WORSE.  Or as they would say in Biblical times, "chastised".  Oh, what an honor to be chastened like David only with fever and congestion and eye gunk!  

 

What would normally make me feel sorry for myself and ask for prayers has only made me feel like a real live Bible character...who happens to be dying from a cold and too much Nyquil. 

 

Thank goodness I didn't read Job.  This little cold could've really gotten out of hand. 

 

Pass the Puffs.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Church Service Survival #1

I'm not one of those preachers who doesn't understand the challenges of sitting in a pew.  

Pews can be tough to deal with.  Too hard, too soft, no reclining mechanism.  There's a reason why people don't put pews in their living room in front of the TV.

Depending on the pew, just getting through church can be a real challenge.  And depending on the Preacher you're listening to while sitting in that pew, the whole experience can border on abuse.  

Throw in some of those new-fangled church tunes where they sing "glory and praise, praise and honor and glory" 52 times in a row, and you are looking at the possibility and losing your mind entirely.  I think you might even have enough for a lawsuit.  I'm not sure who'd you sue, but I get on it if I were you.  You're NUTS!  Anyhow...

This is why it is so important to have survival techniques to get you through those particularly tough services.  For me, a "tough service" is any service in which I am not the one doing the preaching.  When I'm not the one preaching, I  get really bored and confused.  Sometimes that happens WHEN I'm preaching too but, not nearly as often.

So when I find myself having to endure a sermon where I know the guy is clearly making it up as he goes, or a song service that has a bass line impossible to find, I simply return to the mantra I have said to myself since the 90's.   It is an original poem I wrote  that has seen me through some tough, mind-numbing, intellectually draining services. It goes like this:

 
A song, a prayer
Some underwear
A sermon leaves you vexed
The only way to get through church
Text and text and text.

Brother Preacher

1998

Powerful words.

Powerful poem.

Funny underwear line.

I hope this helps you today as you try to get through someone else's sermon. Thank goodness I'm preaching today.

And together we stand and sing.

BP

Semi-Faily, Semi-Truck, Semi-Daily, Just Enough.

A little while ago, I got this comment from "The Wolfman" that I thought was vital.  He wrote:

"Does the word "semi-daily" indicate a lack of faith? 

What if Jesus only preached "semi-daily"? 

What if He only healed "semi-daily?" 

Now lemme just say right off the bat, I had NO idea that the Wolfman could even TYPE, let alone ask a question.  I've always loved his movies, but had always assumed he couldn't get power or a WIFI signal runnin' around out there in the woods like he does.  Maybe he comments while in his non-wolf state.  I'm not a wolf scientist, so I'm kinda guessin' on a lot of this.  We may never know.  Anyhow...

His comment is a good one. Does the fact that this blog is "semi-daily" indicate a lack of faith?  

Short answer: no.  

Longer answer: No, not at all.

The fact that this is a "semi-daily" blog instead of a "daily" or "minutely" or even "secondly" blog, is due to the fact that I know ME very well.  I remember me in school. I've seen the report cards.  I know what to expect from me.  It's not pretty.  I spent a lot of time creating my own recesses.

I also know that I've been preaching since I was in Junior High and have never held down a REAL job.  

In short: I know that I could easily forget that I even HAVE a blog, let alone need to write in it every day.  

So it was not a lack of faith that I named this blog "semi-daily", it was merely an example of my superior planning skills at work once again.  I simply named what I assumed this blog would become: Semi, sub-par, and eventually abandoned.

But to my surprise this blog (so far) has not been "semi" ANYthing!  To the contrary, it has been quite the little "DAILY Preacher" in spite of the title. Through rain, and sleet, and travel and my busy TV watching schedule I have Bleached TM On every day for weeks!!     

Think about THAT for a minute.  I'm actually accomplishing something.  The end must be near.

Later on in his comment, Wolfman also alludes to the fact that Jesus did not preach or heal on a semi-daily basis.  Nothing could be further from the truth, Wolfy.

Look, everybody knows Jesus didn't heal or preach on a daily basis.  Preachers have been taking Monday's and Thursdays off for generations.  And every faith healer I've ever known usually takes off Tuesdays too.  Faith Healers tend to wear out faster than Preachers.  Not sure why.  Could be all the jumpin' around.

Jesus was a preacher.  I am a preacher.  Which is why I know what the heck I'm talkin about.  Trust me.  Jesus didn't preach every bloomin' day.  Shoot, he took off 40 days right when he started his preachin' career and went to the desert, I believe originally to go campin' - 'course then Satan turned up and kinda put the ki-bosh on THAT plan.  Anyhow...

Finally, Wolfman's most disturbing comment he saves for last.  He writes,

":0)

Hehehehehehehehehehheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 

(ouch.) "

Clearly, my first guess was right.  Wolfman had been typing this comment while in his human state, then suddenly  began to turn back into The Wolfman.  We know this from the wolf-like howling symbol above, followed by the creepy laugh into weird-o howl.  He then apparently drops something on his foot, because he says "ouch."

I hope he's OK, though he probably deserved it.  Wolfmen tend to get  a little crazy without a wife around to kinda keep things in line.  I should know.  Gidget's still out of town and I haven't worn pants or showered for 3 days.

I love comments with sound effects by the way.  Example: (ouch) 

Here's another good one:

ZZZZZZZZZingo!!!

(Sigh).  What was I talkin' about?  Oh, who cares?

 As together we stand and sing.

BP

Emergency Break-Fast

As many of you know, I was recently on the road preaching in Texas and Tennessee.  I was fantastic, it was a huge success.  Had we had any water nearby, I'm sure my one-of-a-kind preaching technique would have resulted in a number of baptisms.  As it was, we had to settle for Tex-Mex and Blue Grass Music instead.

By the way,  I LOVE preaching in the states that start with the letter "t".  Texas, Tennessee...Tahiti.  Anyhow...

I got home just last night and have spent today trying to get settled like we all do; answering email, paying bills, reassembling my pull-along-pul-pit.   Because of this, I (obviously) have been a bit late getting out today's missive.  Which as far as I knew, was no big deal.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  It was in the middle of this "settling" that I received this disturbing text:

"As self imposed spokesman for three followers

I am here to inform you 

we are fasting until you post. 

(We did just eat lunch;hypoglycemic issues)"

Imagine my feigned surprise.  I had no idea that my seemingly silent and "not very comment-y" followers were actually "rabid" followers intent on holding their very own meals hostage til I come up with the "goods" ala: another award-winning blog posting. 

How disturbing.  How weird.  How exciting.  I think I saw a movie like this one time.  Or maybe I just wish I had.  Actually, I wish  I was IN a movie right now and this was happening.  I'm not sure which.  I often have trouble separating my fantasy world from the real thing, but that's another posting for a another hunger strike.

The point is, the heat is on.  Thank goodness I'm here to intervene.  Many of you don't realize this but, this kind of pressure could not be beared by most preachers.  

Joel Olsteen would crumble like a Texas tumble weed.  

Richard Roberts would probably start singing.  

I don't think Billy Grahm has a blog.  

TD Jakes...well TD Jakes would just start yelling at you.  I LOVE TD Jakes.

Me, I'm different.  I'm...well, I'm me.  I was BORN for this kind of fasting emergency.

You see at this very moment, 3 fragile, stubborn, starving souls, who from what we can tell, have not eaten a speck of food for almost... 2 1/2 hours now;  are depending on ME to help break their fast by posting to my blog.

You say, "What are you gonna do, Preacher?"

It's a fantastic question.  Fantastic because it has an easy answer.  And by "easy" I mean it has an answer that I know.  And that answer is: I am going to do what ANY preacher of such skill and superior talents as mine, who found himself in a similar position WOULD do.  

I will do what Jesus would do.

Well, I can't do EVERYHTHING Jesus would do, because Jesus could do a LOT of stuff only HE could do!  

Drives me crazy when people say they're gonna do what Jesus would do.  I always think, "Oh really?  You gonna walk on water?  Feed 5,000?  Turn some water into wine at a wedding? Well, THAT's what JESUS would do!"

So I'm gonna do what Jesus would do...IF HE WERE ME RIGHT NOW AND HAD A BLOG AND A COMPUTER AND PEOPLE THREATENING TO STARVE THEMSELVES TO DEATH TILL HE POSTED A POSTING.

So...here goes.  

(PAUSE to post)

Now,  go eat a sandwich.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Thought Of The Day

I wanna introduce another new segment  to the Semi-Daily Preacher.  I call it, "The Thought Of The Day."  I hope no one steals this very original idea for a segment.  Anyhow, here is today's: "Thought Of The Day"

I wonder 

what I should write

for today's 

"Thought Of The Day"?

Wow.  That was fantastically easy.  I have just finished my blog posting for the day and it took just under 12 seconds to do.

You may be seeing a lot more of these in the future.  Especially when I'm traveling and exhausted and haven't packed yet and need coffee and barely know my own name.

Or possibly just every Thursday.

As together we stand and sing.

BP