A MOMENT OF SILENCE

I want us all to take just a brief moment to contemplate a couple of things...

First of all, Gidget is again leaving town tomorrow.  Which always means there is no guarantee that I will eat (veggies), exercise, or get my Blermons out on time.  

There's also the whole not wearing pants thing.  But let's not get into that here.

We can only hope she won't be gone for long this time.  As you know, this humble Preacher tends to go a little "native" after so many days on his own. OK,  maybe not "days".  It's more like after 7 minutes of her leaving the driveway.  Sue me.

Let's face it, I require a fair bit of monitoring and gentle correction.  They say Billy Sunday and Moses were the same way.  And secondly...

Is the above drawing a guy praying or some kind of featherless duck?

I really have to stop drawing with the lights on.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

I NEED YOUR HELP

Dear Blongregation (Blog-Congregation),

Earlier this morning I was abducted by my wife, Gidget, and am now being forced to participate as her Sherpa at a mile long yard sale in the wild back country of Tennessee.  

As those of you who know me are already well aware...I'm probably not gonna make it.  I'm a Preacher for cryin' out loud, not a pack mule.  I haven't lifted anything heavier than a Bible Concordance for 22 years.  The longest walk I've been on was when I dressed up as the Apostle Paul at an outdoor V.B.S. and delivered cookies to "the Churches of Ephesus" - AKA Grades 2-4.  Plus that, I have never understood the whole "buying other people's junk" thing. 

I want you to know you have been a wonderful Blurch (Blog-Church) and no one has been a better Bleacher (Blog-Preacher) than me.

Be of good cheer - wth the Lord there is always hope.  

It could rain.  

Gidget could become distracted by some project here at home.

And of course...I could always die.  

In the end know that while it's too late to fast,  you can still pray for me...so get to it!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SPEED BLEACHING

EDITOR'S NOTE: 

The following Blermon was not spell checked.  

Read at your own risk.

I’m pretty sure this is first time anyone has ever tried to do this.

Well, a regular Precher may have tried it, but Im pretty sure this is the first time a Bleacher (blog-preacher) like me has attempted to finsih a Blermon (blog-sermon) before his wife (Gidget) is ready to walk out the door to do errands (a trip I have been requested to also accompany her on).

For those of you who are NOt a Bleacher, and NOt married, and not married to Gidget - you really have no idea the challenges in this thing I’m trying t accomplish.  Things could go bad realfast.

You see, about 5 minutes ago, Gidget said she was going to “get dressed and go”.  When I asked how long that was she said, “About  5 minutes.”

Now for many wives (or husbands for that matter) - this could mean closer to 20 minutes or maybe even a half an hour.  In Gidget’s case - it means 5 minutes.  On the nose.  She can put herself together faster than any woman I know and come out lookin’ better than Sara Lee at a Cake Contest. 

BUT...once she GETS ready - there are a variety of things that can distract her from her final departure time: going through the mail, a last minute clean of the shower, some artistic or business flourish to some long forgotten project that dared to find itself on the coffee table.  She IS amazing.

So I got it in my head to see if I could write an entire Blermon (with scripture and semi-point) in the time it took her to finally be ready to walk out the door; and it is these little distractions AFTER she gets ready tat I am counting on to buy me the time I so desperatly need.

Obviously my “speed typing” is dicey, at best.  So if I don’t give mysefl enough time at the end for spell chaecking I could be in big trouble.

Also there is the danger of slapping a scripture on this Blermon that makes sence and that I cn still quote good enough so that I don’t have to waste valuable time looking it up.

So hear I am toiling away - not sure when Gidget will come and tell me she’s ready to go.  Now what’s a scripture I could use for...OH!  I got it! 

As it says in Mathew...”Behold the Master comes when no man knows the hour!”   

Shoot.  that’s not quite it.  I gotto go look this one up...hold on...

OK, that stinks...I just lost internet and cant get on line to look up my scripture.  Since I went internet I have forgotten how to look scriptures up in my concordance - THAT is a LOT of spelling work.  Lemme see if I can get a better connectin in another part of the house.  Hold on...

OK - I'm back.  Found it -  John 9:4 - (though this wasn’t really what I think I was looking for - have to MAKE it work).

In John 9:4 it says, “We must quickly carry out the tasks assigned us by the one who sent us. The night is coming, and then no one can work.”

Not bad.  Pretty close.Shoot!  Needs more.  b Right back.

OK, back...

And in Matthew 24:44 it says:

“So you also must be ready, because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect.”

I think the combo sorta works.  Sums up the situatin pretty dang good!  I’m a genius.  I have know idea what I’m writting! QUICK!  She’s getting her purse...Oh no!  She just touched me on the back...we’re getting close.  Come on, Gidget, check that cell phone one more time!

BIG POINT SET UP: 

SO what are these verses telling us?  All this working before it too late stuff?  

BIG POINT: Isn’t it that way with Gidget and me...right now?  (pause) Powerful verse.  (pause) Powerful Blermon.

That's really wasn;t bad.

I have to say - aside from looking up the verse - not bad.  Maybe I should try to write anoth..OOPs - she’s ready - gotta go try and post this before she...!  SORRY, NO TIME FOR SPELL CHECK!1

As we stand together and sing.

BP

BPTV

It was bound to happen. 

Having easily conquered the Blogosphere in just a matter of weeks with my amazing Blermons (blog-sermons) and Bleminars (blog-seminars) - I’m now up to OVER 33 followers, by the way - it was just a matter of time before the next victim of my amazing talent would raise its skinny head over the fence and into my deadly sites. 

You heard it here first: the time has come for Brother Preacher to be on TV!  

Call it: Brother Preacher TV.  Or BPTV.  I can already see the t-shirts.  Heck, I’m already wearing the t-shirts in my mind!  And the official lanyard/dental floss combo necklace.

You say, “ Brother Preacher, are you saying that you just landed a TV deal and will soon be on national and semi-global television, coming into our homes on a weekly basis!?”

No, that is NOT what I’m saying.  What I’m saying is that I just got the idea that I SHOULD be on television in my head.  And THEN I thought if I DID have a show, I would have my wife Gidget make some t-shirts that say “BPTV” on the front of them; possibly with some sort of pulpit-y design on the back.  It would be a smash.

Since I’ve got too much writing to do as it is, I’m thinking it should probably be some sort of Reality TV thingy.  Have a couple cameras follow me and Gidget around on our many adventures as we go about our day writing sermons, going to lunch, cutting out flannel graph Bible characters for VBS, visiting Shut-Ins, mowing the grass.  I mean look; there are 5 or 6 episodes right there! 

BP Mows The Grass!

BP Loses His Sermon For Sunday!

Gidget Cuts BP’s Hair!

Oops!  Another Baptism Blunder!

I’m not saying it would be a show for EVERYBODY.  But I think there would certainly be appeal for some.

Of course we could also scrap the whole reality angle and just go for a straight “dram-edy” about 4 Preachers traveling around the country in a van.  Call it “The P Team” (for Preacher).  We’d have the van loaded up with power point sermons and some machine guns.  Then each week we’d go into a town, blow up some bridges, solve a case, and then hold a gospel meeting.

Now THAT I like.  Don’ steal my idea.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

GIDGET'S BACK

As together we stand and sing.
 
BP

GONE GIDGET GONE

Gidget left me the other day.

I don't mean for good.  I mean for the next couple of weeks.  


She's gone to the Preacher's Wife Summer Seminar in Ocheebobee, Oklahoma.  It's something she does every year.  I'm glad she gets to go.  It ain't easy being a PW.  Especially mine.

I know she'll have a great time there, and will no doubt come back refreshed and ready to once again shake hands at the back of the auditorium, do some sick and afflicted visits and experiment with some new Jell-o salad recipes.  

But I want you all to remember Gidget in your prayers while she's gone.  It can be kinda tough on her being away from me for such a long time.  I'm sure you all understand.  

You see, Gidget is addicted to me.  She can't get enough of me.  She can't live without me.  Can you blame her? 

I don't know who she's gonna fuss over while she's gone; laugh at, who she'll pick on, who's hair she'll re-arrange, who she'll make go for an early morning run, or who's outfit she'll re-work just as they're going out the door.  

It's a well know fact that Gidget can't start her day without telling somebody to sign some papers, take things to the Post Office and to trim certain wild hairs out of certain unreachable places. Well, good luck with that.

The Pop Tart and Cheerios breakfast I make her every morning will undoubtedly be replaced with fancy restaurant Eggs Benedict, and big city Steaks instead of grilled weenies.  Poor Gidget.

And I doubt there will be any slightly poofy stomachs handy for her to examine, sniff at derisively, and then lecture at for 20 minutes on the evils of Twinkies and the joys of sit ups.

And I don't know who's gonna get up and turn on the fan for her when she gets hot in the middle of the night, then turn OFF the fan when she gets cold 10 minutes later, then turn it back on 5 minutes after that.  I don't care how fancy the hotel is, they just don't have people to do that.  

And I'd love to hear her plan for when she wakes up from a bad dream all grumpy and scared.  I have yet to see a big, long hotel pillow hold her close and rub her head and then get her some juice with a straw.  

I don't know who she thinks she's gonna make my favorite chicken and noodles dish for.  She has no pans.

Of course, I'll do what I can to help.  While she's gone I'll be sure to not exercise, lose my keys 4 times a day, forget to eat, take off my glasses and stick 'em where I've never put them before, wear sweat pants and a dress shirt to church, stay up too late, get up too early, neglect shaving, partially bathe, leave Monopoly game parts all over the house, listen to Jazz too loud for too long, and take no notice of the day of the week.

When she comes home, she'll know she was missed.  It's the least I can do.

So pray for Gidget.  Poor thing.

And while you're at it, say a word or two for me too.

As together we stand and sing. 


BP

GIDGET: MARRIAGE GURU

Sometimes Gidget scares me to death.  

The other day my wife, Gidget, started tellin' me about this time, a few years ago, when the two of us went on a vacation to Peru.  We met some friends there, went hiking, saw Machu Picchu, and then later ate some fried bananas on a beach.  

While we were there, she got food poisoning, and I got a pretty bad sunburn that landed both of us in the Emergency Room.  

It all ended OK though, when the Doctor who treated us both, offered to let us stay at his Villa that overlooked the ocean for nothing for 2 weeks.  Despite the 2 days of illness, it was without a doubt, a trip of a lifetime.

Unfortunately, I had absolutely NO memory of this trip whatsoever.  I was terrified.  Naturally, I assumed I was experiencing early stages of something terrible.  

So I started popping vitamin C and fish pills like they were Skittles.  Then I started making "sticky" notes to remind me who Gidget was and who I was and where I lived and then slapped the notes all over the house.  

I was devastated.

Then a couple of weeks later, I was telling a friend the sad tale of how I had absolutely NO memory of this clearly fantastic trip to Peru with my wife, when Gidget walked in.

"What are you talking about?"  she said.

"I'm telling Bruce about that trip to Peru I can't remember being on."

"Peru?" she said.  "You were never on a trip to Peru!  That was me and my SISTER!  I got food poisoning and she got this really bad sunburn.  Terrible.  Why on earth would you think you went on that trip?"

She's going to drive me nuts.

She does the same thing with movies I've never seen, books I've never read, and dogs we've either had or not had.

"What do you MEAN you don't remember Fluffy? He went to Peru with us!  Fluffy LOVED Machu Picchu."

Sometimes Gidget will suddenly rearrange everything in the kitchen cupboards for no reason, making me feel like I'm visiting an old friend's house for the first time.  I recognize the dishes, but have NO idea where I found them or what they're for.  

She'll put the bath towels where we used to keep the drill.  The drill ends up in the freezer next to the frozen peas.

One time I went to get the checkbook and found a drawer full of yarn.  You can't pay bills with yarn.

Then last night I crawled into bed next to her and she said, 

"You're feet are so ROUGH!  They feel like sweat socks!  You have GOT to start using some lotion, or get a pedicure, or BOTH!"

I felt terrible, apologized profusely and then sang her to sleep.  

Then I reached down and took off my SOCKS, revealing my perfectly smooth, gorgeous feet.

I was so confused I couldn't sleep for 2 hours.

The good news is this kind of thing can be great for a marriage.  Makes you feel like a newlywed and an Alzheimer's patient all at the same time.  Either way, you really start paying attention to each other again.  You HAVE to, otherwise you'll never find the towels.  

Its kinda like dating again - if you dated somebody who kept hiding your coffee mug from you, and told you that you used to work on an alligator farm.  Every day is a new day to be spent trying to figure out who the heck you're married to now.

I love Gidget.

She's going to drive me NUTS, but I love her.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

GIDGET, TWIZZLERS AND DANIEL CRAIG

Well this is embarrassing.  Apparently, I have lost my wife.

I don't mean that she's left me or anything like that. I mean, I can't physically find her.

She was with me when we left Malibu (after I destroyed the scholars with my superior preaching at that conference).   

I know she was with me when we played Caveman and Cave Wife on those big, cement dinosaurs in Arizona.  

And I'm pretty sure she was still with me at the mall in Colorado when we stopped for Twizzlers.  I'm SURE of that one because I  would have NEVER stopped for Twizzlers on my own.  I'm a fig guy.  Like they say, "Figs: The Bible-y snack."

But then when I woke up this morning I realized that she was NOT here.  Anywhere.  I guess this explains why my private eye business went nowhere.  

Then it dawned on me, that she was not  here yesterday or the day before either.

Now let's not all get excited.  I don't suspect foul play or that Gidget has suddenly decided to run off with the Dinosaur Keeper. My assumption is that this has something to do with Twizzlers.  And Daniel Craig.

She loves those Twizzler things and will do almost anything to have them. She also loves that Daniel Craig guy.  You know, the new James Bond guy?  Funny, I always thought he was the fat guy in the Austin Powers movies.  She assures me he was not.  I know she's wrong.  That Daniel Craig can eat.

Anyhow, so my guess is that when we stopped at that mall for the Twizzlers, she went to the movie place in the mall to get some, then saw that DC was starring in something there,  went in to see both DC and the Twizzlers, and has been trapped by movie love and red dye #2 for the last 3 days.

Let's put it this way...it wouldn't be the first time. 

So, I guess I'll head back there to find her.  Though I feel like Daniel Craig should probably do it.  After all, it's his fault. I have never seen a guy who just can't seem to keep his shirt on for 5 minutes.  

It'd never work between Daniel and Gidget anyhow.  He'd never appreciate Gidget the way I do, for one.  And secondly, while she might be happier running around the world with an international movie star and spy, instead of with me in a portable pulpit/van playin' on cement dinosaurs, I know that SHE knows I can preach Daniel Craig under the Communion Table any day of the week.  And I WILL too.  

And THAT, my friends, is Gidget's soft, white underbelly.  The woman is koo koo krazy for good preachin'.  Who isn't?

So watch yourself, Craig.  

PS - I'd take Roger Moore ANY day of the week.  THAT guy knew how to keep his shirt on.

In the meantime, do me a favor and don't let Gidget know that I didn't notice she was missing  the last couple of days.  I just thought she was doin' a crossword puzzle.

And as far as this particluar BlermonTM (blog-sermon) goes, let's just file it under "announcements" for now.  

I don't recall any Bible stories about Twizzlers right off hand.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Something else DC can't do better than me...in a suit!

STAND AND PREACH!

I'm feeling poem-y.  You've been warned.

STAND AND PREACH!

by BP, circa this morning

Sunday's it, the day you sit

A tray of matzos passes

A quick Google search, says "You're in church,"

The Fancy call it "Mass-es".

The difference true, with me and you

The Preacher and Preach-ees

"Stuck" is you, in a pew

While I stretch my preaching knee-knees.

Some say it's wrong, to play ping pong

While preaching the Good News

I say its wrong to wear a thong

While sitting on new pews.

So when I teach, I'll STAND and preach

While you just SIT and fidget

I don't mind, I take my time

And wink at my wife Gidget.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

VIRGINS AND ME

Matthew 21:1-13 tells the story of the 10 Virgins who were waiting for the arrival of the Bridegroom.

Let me just say right off the bat, that when Gidget and I were married, Gidget was the only virgin I knew was at the wedding  at the time.  I had no idea you were supposed to have 10 hangin' around to choose from.  And Gidget never said anything about it, now that I mention it.  Weird.  Anyhow...

In that story we learn that of the 10 Virgins,  5 were wise, and 5 were dumber than a brick.

The 5 Wise Virgins came prepared with lamps and oil.  But the 5 Foolish Virgins messed around and slept, curled each other's hair, told ghost stories, had tickle fights and whatever else it is that Foolish Virgins do right before a wedding, and as a result, had NO oil for their lamps. 

When the word came that the Bridegroom was on his way, the Foolish Virgins freaked out and then ran off to try and buy some oil for their lamps real quick before the Bridegroom showed up.  

But of COURSE, while they were gone, who shows up but the Bridegroom who is thrilled to see the smart, well-prepared Virgins, and takes them into the palace or whatever, and introduces them to HIS Gidget (who I just can't see would be that thrilled with the idea no matter how smart and wise they were).

When the dumb-dumb virgins show up, they're late, tired, sweaty, holdin' cheap, over-priced oil, the Bridegroom of COURSE pretends like he doesn't even know who they are!   If I had a penny for every time this happened to ME.

Bottom line: The Foolish Virgins fooled around and were late gettin' to the party.

Which is not unlike what happened to ME today.  I TOO fooled around and was LATE getting to THIS  dang BLOG party.  Usually I have this thing posted by 7 in the morning or so.  It's almost 5:00 pm now.  I'm hungry.  I need a shower.

But does that make me a Foolish Virgin?

You'll have to ask Gidget, who I'm sure would be happy to chime in.  


OK, she just said I AM a Foolish Virgin. Which sounds weird when SHE says it.  Thanks for that, honey.

OK so I AM a Foolish Virgin!  So what?!  

At least I'm IN the Bible!  


What an example I am.

I amaze me.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Gidget - 1, Preacher - 0

I punched Gidget in the eye last night.

I didn't mean to.  I love Gidget.  She's a wonderful, intelligent, funny, woman who apparently can take a pretty good punch.  As wives go, she's pretty stout.  And I mean that in the best sense.  She's like a Weeble.  She can wobble but she won't pass out!


Lucky for me she did not retaliate.  Well, she tried to, but I'm pretty fast.


It happened while we were in bed sleeping.  I was in the middle of having my nightly nightmare where I find myself surrounded by a bunch of demanding Elders, creepy Worship Leaders and this mouthy, little punk Youth Minister from Colorado, all buggin' me about how my sermon series on Balaam's Talkin' Donkey is scaring the kids.


Between you and me, it's a GREAT series and if it scares the kids I really couldn't care less.  Talkin' Donkeys are cool, and kids bug me.


Anyhow, in the dream things get pretty heated, and eventually  we all start swingin' at each other.  Then I throw some communion cups at them, which really makes 'em mad. So they grab me and start tryin' to drown me in the baptistery.  That's usually about the time I wake up in a cold sweat, covered in grape juice.


But last night, instead of throwing the communion cups, I did this cool, kinda Kung Fu back-handed slap move thingy, right at that mouthy, little, punk Youth Minister's face.  And SMACK!  Got him RIGHT in the head!


Which unfortunately, was connected to Gidget's eye.


It is what we in the boxing world refer to as "a real shiner", "a meat maker", "ugly".  She looks like a very dainty version of the last scene of "ROCKY" where he's all bloody and sweatin' and slobberin', yellin'  "Adrian!"  Only Gidget's yelling at me and cryin' using words I didn't know she knew.


You say "Preacher, where is all this goin'?"


Very simply.  Proverbs 21:9 says,

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, 

than with a brawling woman in a wide house."

And Proverbs 21:19,

"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, 

than with a contentious and an angry woman."

I have never written a blog from a rooftop in the wilderness before, but it's not as bad as you think.  What I did NOT know was that I had an extension cord that would reach this far.  So I got THAT goin' for me.

Note to self: next time bring granola.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

MY WIFE'S A THIEF!

In I Thessalonians 5:2 the Apostle Paul writes,

"For yourselves know perfectly 

that the day of the Lord so cometh 

as a thief in the night." 

 

In this verse, Paul reminds us that the Lord will come again "like a thief in the night", implying that we therefore need to be ready at all times for his return.

 

This is also true of wives.  Who've been away on trips to see their families.  And are coming home sometime today. 

Specifically, this is true of MY wife, Gidget.  Who is flying home today after a week at her father's house.  

 

Oh, what a wonderful time this would be for me to be organized!  Imagine, if I was organized right now, I could go to wherever her flight information is, read it,  and then go pick her up.  Easy.

 

Sadly, I am NOT organized - so I am doomed.

 

You say, "Preacher, just call her on the phone and ask her when she's coming in."

 

Listen, if I call and ask Gidget her flight information again she will immediately begin to yell and cry and accuse me of never loving her.  It's a whole mess I'd rather avoid, thanks just the same.  I hate it when Gidget cries.  She starts to hiccup snot.  It's not a good time for either of us.

 

The only option left to me now is to get up and go sit at the airport all day today till she shows up.  I'll need lots quarters for the vending machines.  

 

The problem is, as many of you know, I have been in a Nyquil stupor the last 2 days and have awakened to find not only is my head still filled with liquid gunk, but our house has been completely destroyed by the Nyquil elves.  It is a TRAIN WRECK in here.

 

This will not fly with Gidget.  When she left, the house looked like we were trying to sell it.  Pristine, beautiful.  Now, it looks like a replica of  the final scene of "Animal House" or maybe "Gone With The Wind."  

 

I don't know what happened.  Well, I KNOW what happened.  Me on NYQUIL happened.  

 

There are used Puffs stacked up in every corner, soup cans on the dresser, clothes and socks on the steps and in the vaporizer.  I've got honey covered Uno cards in the refrigerator.  

 

I found an entire game of RISK going on under the covers of my bed. 

 

I shaved I think last Thursday, so I look like Og the Caveman.  Smell like him too.   Gidget will love that.  I am a picture of true Cassanova-nis.  The dry cough is cute too.

Nyquil is nasty stuff!  Stay in School!  I feel terrible.  Who are you?  Who am I?  Huh?

 

I've gotta get cleaned up, get this house cleaned and get to the airport in about an hour and try to save my marriage.  I'd be there by now but I had to write this blog.  

 

Such dedication!  Such professionalism.

 

I'm an idiot.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Sermon Stats, Tits for Tats, This and Thats

I recently took a look at some stats for this site, and found some astonishing numbers regarding who the readers are of this very important blog.  Notice...

In India, we have 9 people following this blog.  Welcome India!  Spice is nice!  When we go to move this “Blurch TM.” to Youtube, I will be contacting you for tech support.  Glad to have you aboard!

In Germany there are 4 readers.  Probably 2 couples, is my guess.  Two couples, Fran and Ollie, Linder and Hans, finally reunited after years of separation by that Wall and Hogan’s Heroes.   

They probably get together for dinner every night, followed by a rousing game of Husker Du or whatever.  Then they all gather ‘round the laptop and enjoy some Bible-based Bleaching.  Germany, you know how to party.  How good is it to have you here?  Sehr gut!

Mexico has 6 people.  2 of them are probably my niece and her fiance’.  Well, they BETTER be following.  If they AREN'T, that means I could get this number up to 8 people when they DO finally show up and start reading this blog.   No, make that 9!  ‘Cause they have that puppy now.  Puppies LOVE this blog.  

Of course, if that number DOES include them already,  I really only have 4 people in Mexico.  Well 3 if you count of that dang puppy.  Which stinks.  I LOVE Mexico, I should have no less than sinko times ocho in Mexico.  Whatever that is.  I’ll straighten this all out at the wedding.  HOLA, Mexico!  I love Rosetta Stone!

Speaking of fiance’s, Denmark has 2 readers of this blog, one of which is probably Gidget’s old fiance’, Karl.  Hello, Karl.  Slipped on any ice lately?  Well, we can only hope.   By the way, it’d be great if you’d send Gidget her Bill Cosby records back, now that she’s been married to me for, oh I don't know, 25 years now?  I think she’s a little bit "over you" and your "sexy accent" by now so how 'bout you send back the records as soon as you figure out how to lick a stamp.  

Just think, Karl, if you’d held on to that so-called “clueless American girl” you’d be married to Gidget right now, writing an award-winning preaching blog, and leading a huge semi-global Blurch into the 21st Century,  instead of drinking yourself silly, alone and depressed  at some frozen, Danish pub with a broken TV!!   

Anyhow...and greetings to our OTHER reader in Denmark, the one who ISN'T Karl.  Here's a tip: Don't talk to Karl, he's trouble. Skoll!

The United Kingdom has 2 readers.  My guess: the Queen and James Bond.  Cheerio!  I LOVE Cheerios, by the way.  It’s the Englishman in me, I guess. 

China has exactly 1, as in ONE reader of this blog.  Wow.  That is so sad.   

Hi there, 1.  

 :)   

How’s it goin’?  This must stink for you.  4 billion people in that country and you’ve got exactly NObody to compare notes with about this great blog.  That’s terrible.  

Listen, if there’s anything I can do for ya, any topics you want me to hit just lemme know and I’ll get it done.  

The good news is, you are what’s called our “TOE HOLD” in ASIA!  We are clutching onto the side of the cliff for dear life with ONE GUY in China!  Don’t let us down China guy!  As Paul once said, all the parts of the Lord’s body are important, but in THIS case the TOE (that’s You) is REALLY important.  We lose you, we are basically dead meat at the bottom of the cliff in China.   

GENTLE PERSONAL TIP, China: Get out more.  Get some friends, play some ping pong with somebody, then tell them about the blog and double our readership there.  Please don’t leave us!  We NEED YOU!

And finally, in the United States we have 1,215 readers of this blog.  

I think I just had a flash.   Look I’m excited you’re all here, America, but would it kill some of you to move to China once in a while to get our numbers up there?  I love you, USA!  Keep reading, just do it in China!  And work in some math skills while you're at it.

What an exciting time this is for the world.  Thank you all for helping with this massive effort.    I leave you with these words...

 “Ask not what the Preacher can do for you, 

ask how much it costs to fly to China 

and read this blog from there.”

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Sunrise, Sun-SERMON!

I woke up preaching this morning.


It happens on occasion.  Normally it's pretty harmless, so I don't usually sweat it.  Especially if I'm on the road, like I am now, I just wake up preaching then go on with my day.


Of course, if I'm at home and it happens, things can get a little more complicated.  For example, there HAVE been several times when I've woken up preaching and realized that in addition to giving an invitation and some announcements, I had also accidentally baptized my wife, Gidget, in my sleep.  As you can imagine, this usually makes for a pretty surly breakfast.  You see, Gidget has already been baptized.  And she doesn't appreciate an early morning surprise dunking by a "sleep preaching" husband.


Who would?


By the way, I LOVE you Gidget!  Where did you pack my electric nose trimmers?   Please just leave it's location in the comment section of this posting.  LOVE YOU!  XOOXO


There are no examples in the Bible of anyone waking up preaching, or even preaching in their sleep.  There IS the story of the guy sitting in a window, listening to the Apostle Paul drone on for way too long.  Apparently it wasn't one of Paul's "Top 10 Sermons" because Paul ended up boring the man to sleep, which resulted in the man falling three stories out the window and onto the street.  That'll teach him.


What is this story telling us?  Very simply...WAKE UP!  Or DIE!


I'm kidding, of course.  Although, it IS a Biblical concept so...maybe I'm NOT kiddin'.  Which is it?   Look, just stay awake and live.


Poor Paul - if he'd only known my secret for keeping people awake during a sermon.  I simply keep saying "In Closing..." about every 5 minutes.  So just about the time they're  ready to fade off into a wonderful dreamland, they force their eyes open again, in the hope that I'm wrapping things up, which of course, I NEVER am.


Preachers must be as innocent as doves, and a clever as television programmers.


Now I know what many of you are thinking: "Preacher, get to the point.  What is this Blog-a-sermon trying to say."


That's just it.  I don't KNOW what I'm Bleaching (blog-preaching) about this morning.  I have no idea.  Why?  Because at this very moment I am typing this blog...in my sleep!  I must have bored myself BACK to sleep while writing about sleeping just now.  Amazing.


Isn't that exciting?!  I wonder how many of YOU are asleep right now?


In closing...


HA!  Got ya!


I cant wait to wake up and see what I Bleached about today.  Hopefully it will be something I can steal from for my sermon for Sunday - so far I got NOTHIN' on that.


So anyhow...blah, blah, blah, blah.  The End.


What was that?  A turkey?  I think I'm dreaming that I'm preaching to a bunch of turkeys.  I can't understand what they're saying because that red turkey thing keeps blocking their mouths.  How will I take their confession?!   How will they sing the invitation?!  How do you baptize a turkey?


What a nightmare.  I hope I don't fall out a window.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

Chicken Preacher

I had one long, crazy dream last night.  It was exhausting, and terrifying and strangely filling all at the same time.  I can only hope that writing about it now will help me calm down some.  Watching cartoons has only made it worse. 

All night long I dreamed I was eating chickens in a white Colonel Sanders suit.

Not MONSTER chickens or anything lke that.  Just regular 'ole chickens in a chicken coop.  All night long.  In a white suit.  It...was..chilling.

'Cause lemme tell ya, these  chickens were everywhere.  I was SURROUNDED by 'em. There were chickens of every description, just flappin' and squakin' and peckin' at me in a whirlpool of angry feathers and beaks and talons.   All I could do was grab 'em and eat 'em as fast as I could.   I stuck some of the smaller ones in my pockets for later.

The whole thing kinda reminded me of a Preacher's Potluck Fried Chicken Festival I attended one time in Muskogee.  Now THAT was terrifying.  You don't EVER wanna see a bunch of Preachers EAT when their wives aren't around.  Especially if it's FREE food.  Anyhow...

I'm still not sure what my "chicken dream" meant, or what it was trying to tell me, but it DOES explain why my pillow was in shreds this morning.   And why my wife, Gidget, had the faint smell of bar-b-que sauce on her arm.

Thank goodness Gidget's a light sleeper.  I'd hate to think of what all she went through while I slumbered and pigged out on those chickens during my midnight munch-a-rama.

EDITOR's NOTE: 

Gidget cleaned up fine with a light sponging and a Wet-nap.

So while I dont yet know what that dream meant, SOME things are obvious:

1.) Vegetarians and vegans are relieved.

2.) Pillow lovers are in shock.

3.) Gidget smells ike a Wet-nap now.

Oh, to have the gifts of dream intturpretation as Joseph did while in the service of Potifer's house.  What would HE say about my "chicken dream"?

"There will be 7 years of famine"

"There will be 7 years of plenty."

"You will work for KFC for 7 years."

"Gidget is about to market some delicious bar-b-que sauce."

"It's time to buy a new pillow."

We may never know.  

Let go into the mystery of life....

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BTW: I will say this, I will MISS that pillow.