ARMY GUYS BIBLE STORIES (#4)

The Army Guys Bible Story Theater presents:

"Abraham and Issac Take a Hike" 
Genesis 22:6-10

As together we stand and sing.

BP

OH MOTHER, MY MOTHER

Well, the results are in.  It is official.  The search is OVER!

And I am happy to announce that:

MY MOTHER IS THE GREATEST MOTHER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!

 

I know many of you WITH mothers of your own are SHOCKED by this news.  I don't blame you.  It must be tough to take.

I understand. 

It happens. 

How embarrassing for you.

The GOOD news is: all of YOUR mothers came in SECOND!  

On down.  

You can check the bulletin board for the official race results.  Wherever the bulletin board is.  

Bottom line: 

My Mom's the BEST!  Nanny, nanny poo poo!

I wish you all knew my Mother.  So beautiful, so smart, so funny, so loving.  She was the woman who raised me, who showed me right from wrong, and who gave me my very first taste of Vienna Sausage in a can.  

I can still taste it's meaty, tin-y, perfume-y aroma wafting up through the memories of some long ago paper plate lunch.  Oh, what VIENNA must be like!  

I love bibs.

She was also the one who gave me my now, semi-famous, semi-global renowned name: 

PREACHER.

Didn't know that did ya?  Preacher is my actual NAME.  Which is pretty handy considering I AM a Preacher.   Thank goodness she didn't name me "Guy Who Licks Sidewalks  For A Living". 

I know that seems odd to many of you to be NAMED a profession - but for OUR family, it was pretty standard.  

I have a cousin named "Brick Layer" who lays bricks.  

I have a brother named "Dental Hygienist" who does... whatever they do.  

And I have a sister named Michelle...who refuses to do any work at all.  We used to call her "Baby Sitter" but it didn't work out.  Anyhow...

Most importantly and above all, my Mother taught me how to be a Preacher.  As many of you know, without THIS gift...I would be what is called...homeless.  I have exactly NO other skills. 

I first began preaching at the age of 15 months.  Late for our family.  I guess I was what many might call a "Wild Child", a "Lost Soul", a "Bad Baby".  But I couldn't help it.

For some reason, I had to "sow my wild oatmeal" for a few weeks before settling down. I had to see what was on the other side of that kitchen, stretch my goo goos a little bit, watch some late afternoon cartoons.  

At that time in my life, I showed no interest in preaching at all, choosing instead to stick marbles in my mouth, walk around in dirty diapers and take lots of unscheduled naps.

I hit, I bit and I chewed with abandon!

Whenever I could get my hand on 'em, I sucked on stranger's car keys.

I hated takin' baths, which made me sticky much of the time, to say nothing of stinky and gooey.  

I demanded my own way, and often got it...'cause I could PINCH!  

I touched things I wasn't supposed to, I heard  things I wasn't supposed to and I refused to SHARE. 

I didn't have solid food for weeks, preferring instead to DRINK my lunch...and dinner...and breakfast.  I drank ALL the time.

I peed where I slept.  Sometimes at night, other times just ridin' in the car.

I was like an animal shelter puppy out of control.  

Had it not been for my dear, sweet Mother, I would've eventually found myself in some play pen, not saying please or thank you and gumming t-bone steak to a glutenous pulp.

But right when I needed her most, my Mother intervened.  At just the right moment, she gave me what I didn't even know I wanted.  And in April of 1964 she put me in a three piece suit, built me a 4 inch pulpit, and helped me write my very first sermon entitled: 

"Bye, Bye Bad Baby:

My Life of Sin and Redemption." 

It sold over 121 million copies - all to other babies, who couldn't read and just sucked on the pages - which is why we have no remaining copies.  Still, it was the turning point of my life.

And the rest is...blah blah blah...whatever...back to Mom.

And so, it is with great pride, eternal joy, undying LOVE, unchallenged devotion, and supreme gratitude I say here and now for all the world to hear:

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

I LOVE you, MOMMA!  

You are hands down,

THE

absolute 

BEST!

and...

Your Mother's Day card will be about 2 days late.

As is my custom.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

ARMY GUYS BIBLE STORIES (#3)

The Army Guys Bible Story Theater presents:

"The Sermon On The Sponge"

As together we stand and sing.

BP

ARMY GUYS BIBLE STORIES (#2)

The Army Guys Bible Story Theater presents:

"THE FALL" 

Part 1 - "Before The Fall"

Part 2 - "After The Fall"

Bravo.  These guys are good.  

As together we stand and sing.


BP
 

ARMY GUYS BIBLE STORIES (#1)

The Army Guys Bible Story Theater presents:

"Adam and Eve's BIG Boo Boo."

or

"Apple?  WHAT Apple?"

 As together we stand and sing.

BP

THOUGHT OF THE DAY #3

"Who knew back in 1998 

that you could write a blog 

the night before and schedule it 

to post the next day. 
Amazing.
We also have toast in cans now.

I LOVE living in the future."

As together we stand and sing.

BP

WHY I LOVE THE OLD TESTAMENT (#1)

2 Kings 2:23-24 says this:  

Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

Needless to say, I have ALWAYS loved this verse.    

Nowhere else in the Bible will you find such direct, clear teaching on what to do with mouthy kids who make fun of bald Preachers.  It's a simple formula really --

1.) Mouth off to a bald Preacher.

2.) Become supper for a bear.

What simplicity.  What clarity.

Just two more reasons why I LOVE the Old Testament!

Over the years many have commented on the "brevity of hair" that has become my ever increasing trademark.  Hat sellers and sun block lotion stores LOVE me, by the way. 

It's true, I have been known to deal with my few fading follicles as one might deal with a spoiled puppy.  I let them do whatever they want.  

And why not?  They're the "SURVIVORS", after all.  They STAYED when the "others" LEFT!   

I'm happy to have all 25 of them.  Or 19.  Whatever it is now.  So, let 'em do as they please.

What a joy it is for a Preacher in my particular situation, to find such a wonderfully specific solution to a such a common problem as the mouthy kid.   

Let's face it, kids can be cruel.  

But let's face it again, I can be crueler.  

I agree with Jesus when he said, "Whenever the Little Children come unto me, I SUFFER."

Somethin' like that.  

I'm quoting that from memory, of course but..well, you get it.  Bottom line: kids drove Jesus and Elijah NUTS!  And I'm no different!

So...watch yourself kids.  I've always wanted a couple of pet bears hangin' out in the back yard.  And for all you know, I've already made THAT little dream come true. And no, I would NOT  suggest you lookin' back there to see whether or not I really have 'em or not either.  

Why?  Because I just threw some hot dogs back there and those bears may already be in their feeding frenzy by now.  So...

Be cool.  Stay in school.  And don't get mouthy around a touchy, vain Preacher who just fed bears some hot dogs.  

As together we stand and sing.

BP