THE PREACHER STRESS RELIEVER

I have been under a bit of stress lately.  Nothing out of the ordinary really.  Just the usual Preacher stuff: Mouthy elders, Ladies Bible Class preparations, Sermon Gesture practice...

Still, I have to find some way to try to get out of my head for just a little bit and just calm down.  I've tried everything but nothing seems to be working.  

So I'm gonna have to bring in the big guns, concentrate on something that always lifts my spirits...

 (10 minutes later...)

Ahhh...that's better.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SO UGLY THEY'RE...?

I always hear people say how that certain things are "so ugly they're cute." 

Without a "go to" scripture for this topic, I find myself slightly out of my "P.C.Z." (Preacher Comfort Zone).  So I have decided to do my own research and see if this statement rings true in the real world.

The following represent a fraction of my scientific findings. By the way, my findings are all correct, so don't bother arguing with me.  Just because I'm not usin' a Bible doesn't mean I don't retain my "P.R.N." (Preacher Right-Ness). 

CAUTION: You may want to hold a loved one's hand as you go through these - I still can't sleep. 

 We'll start off slow with Mr. Snoozly.  Come on...he's cute.  He's fat, and sleepy, but  I have several pictures of me from the early 90's that look very similar.  He's cute.

This is a tough one for me, because I'm pretty sure this is a big eared, baby rat (which terrify me).  Still, with some pants and a mole sidekick - this could easily be a cute cartoon called: The Adventures of Bunny Rat and Rick.  Answer: ALMOST cute. 

Startin' to go off the rails a little bit now with this one.  But the maniac/serial killer/zombie eyes make it an easy call: 
NOT cute.  

 You've got to be kiddin' me.  I think there's something physically wrong with this...thing.  And that necklace only makes it worse.  Answer: NO.

 I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.  I sure hope those are his feet down there.  NOT cute.

 l...may never sleep again.  



  

 Guess what?  
I just turned vegetarian!  

I suddenly feel a chill going up my spine.  Please somebody...hold me til it's over.




As together we stand and sing.

BP

THE RESULTS ARE IN!

I want to let everybody know the answers to yesterday's "Pulpit Puzzler".  Give yourself 5 points for every answer you got right.  Good luck.  Here we go...

1.) Sometimes
2.) Moses
3.) God
4.) Jesus
5.) God
6.) God
7.) God
8.) Jesus
9.) Sometimes the Holy Spirit
10.) Tommy Chong 
11.) Leave It To Beaver
12.) King David
13.) God
14.) God
15.) God
16.) Sometimes the Holy Ghost
17.) 40
18.) 7
19.) 144
20.) Sometimes God, sometimes Tommy Chong.

Hold on.  Did I send out the "Pulpit Puzzler" yesterday?

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHER MOVES

I am often asked for insights into the secret life of Preachers.

I have to admit, it is a fascinating study.  Preachers are among the world's most interesting people, second only to Zoo Keepers and Guys Who Break Dance Past Age 40.  They are more interesting than movie stars and girl jazz singers by somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 light years.

So today we will explore the moves Preachers use while in the pulpit in order to excite and bewilder and eventually baptize an audience.  First up: "The Bible Flop".

The Bible Flop

This is a very standard Preacher Move.  It gives a certain authority.  People don't like to argue with a guy who's got his Bible flopped open like this WHILE he's preachin'.  It's very intimidating.  It's simple.  It's effective. 

It's also a good way to lose your sermon notes that you stuck into your Bible right before you mounted the pulpit.  If you're preaching outside and you try this move, you're dead.  

Because of this problem, some guys go for a variation of the Bible Flop called "The Flat Flop".

The Flat Flop

With the Flat Flop we see that the Bible is "flopped" but it's flat, thus keeping sermon notes safe from flying away.  Except for the hankie in his pocket, this guy's ready for some serious, al fresco preaching.

The Mickey Mouse

Next is a little used move called, "The Mickey Mouse".  No Bible is needed for this move, but a big golden cross on your suit helps.  This move is good for when there's a question you can't hear in the back of the auditorium or for quick surrenders during Bible debates with cocky seminary guys.

The Flop-N-Finger

Here's a combination move called "The Flop-N-Finger".  On this move the standard Bible Flop is combined with the "Pharisee Finger" for what amounts to a very mouthy move.  By the way, who knew Captain Kangaroo was also a preacher?  


Next, is one of my personal favorites...

The Elvis

..."The Elvis".  It's also known as the "Samson Pillar Move" and simply  "The Tah Dah!"  It's the perfect move after you just been smitten by an unexpected spiritual truth upside the head.

The Big Mardi

This next one isn't really a move so much as Mardi Gras beads.  Thus, "The Big Mardi".  I have never employed this move myself, primarily because I wouldn't want to see what the congregation was wearing (or NOT wearing) while I was busy wearing the beads.

Air Chopper

This guy has NEVER worn beads, but he does make good use of the one and only "Air Chopper" move.  It's sensible, direct, and not too flashy.  Good for studying the book of Romans.
 

The Muzzler

Well, leave it to Swaggart to destroy with this perfectly executed "Five Finger Hippo Muzzler."  The Muzzler has multiple uses.  It can make 5 points, screw in a huge light bulb, AND actually muzzle a hippo in the wild.  This one's not for the Newbie Preacher.  
 

The Never Do

I really can't stand this guy.  What kind of a ridiculous move is this for a Preacher to make?  He ought to be ashamed of himself!  Don't get me started.  OK, that's it.  I've said enough.  Bottom line: don't EVER do this move unless you're looking to get fired or slapped by a Ladies Bible Class.
 

Flop-N-Finger 2

 Again, another example of the "Flop-N-Finger" with variation.  The FNF-V is used to illustrate what a "point 1" looks like, and to see if there's enough wind to blow your sermon notes out of your Bible.

The Claw

"The Claw" is dangerous.  Looks too much like you're asking for money or auditioning for American Idol.  Rookie mistake.  Avoid.
 

The Pharisee Finger

Here's one called, "The Pharisee Finger sans Bible but WITH Holy Hankie".  For this one you'll need to memorize your sermon, and hope you sweat.
 

"The Italian" is rarely used today.  You can't really make any points on the fingers, you can't accuse anybody of anything like with the Pharisee Finger, and it looks like you're eating something WHILE preaching.  NOTE: never remind a church that they could be eating instead of listening to you.

2-Handed Flop

 The "2-Handed Bible Flop" is a  safe, classic move that keeps you from losing your sermon, but makes doing "The Elvis" virtually impossible.

CLASSIFIED

I can't tell you about this one.  I know all about it, but I CAN'T tell you about it.  It's dangerous and classified.  Suffice to say, it should be only be used in desperate situations (e.g. a Jello-salad Jamboree), and only with the right equipment including: a medallion, Bozo hair and a purple, 3-piece suit.
 

The Zit

"The Dual Neck Voo-Doo Chop"  works when your dog story illustration has failed.  Basically, just pretend you're popping a zit.

The Moron

Here's an example of a move called, "The Moron."  In this move you just scare people into getting baptized and then drown them.  Not a lot of stats as to the effectiveness of this move, it's still relatively new. 

Shut up

 

Oh, for cryin' out loud.  Really?  Are you serious?
 


As together we stand and sing.

BP

GUEST BLEACHER: JOEL OLSTEEN

Today we have a Guest Bleacher (blog-preacher) that I believe will leave many of you in shock.  That's right, Joel Olsteen is going to be giving the Blermon (blog-sermon) today.  It doesn't take but a cursory reading of this blog to know how I feel about JO - still, I am happy that he will be gracing us with his presence, and I can only hope that we will all be blessed as a result.  So it is without umbrage, or whatever, I introduce to you Brother JOEL OLSTEEN!  Please make him feel welcome!  

-------------------------------------------

OK, well...what a surprise.  It looks like pretty boy has stood us up.  Get what you pay for!  (Sigh)

Of course my critics will say that I should have actually "made contact" and "told" Joel Olsteen that I was expecting him to Bleach today, and that by NOT telling him that his AWOL-ness is somehow my fault.

HA!!!  Silly critics...this is Joel Olsteen we're talkin' about.  I'm in the clear.  Mr. Big Shot should have known what I wanted him to do. 

So...there.

Bottom line: I am STILL a better Bleacher than Joel Olsteen. 

Now THAT's what I call a GOOD Tuesday.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

All THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

In Matthew 19 the Bible says, 

"...with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

You may wanna think that one through before you get all excited about it.  Just because something IS possible doesn't necessarily mean you should be doin' it.  Case...in...point: 

I know this is going to come as a shock to many of you, but today I have done the impossible.

Today I did what no man has EVER done.  Oh, they say they've done it.  They talk like they've done it.  But all such talk is so much fluff and metaphor.

As for me and MY house...I really HAVE done it!

It's so exciting.  I hope there's a way I can make money off of this.  I doubt there is but with the right long term Twitter strategy...who knows?

You say, "Well, Preacher what is it exactly that you have done that has heretofore been deemed impossible?"

It's a fantastic question.

Answer: Today I LITERALLY have managed to jam exactly 117 hours into one day!  

I don't mean it FEELS like it.  I don't don't mean I had a LONG day.

I mean from the time I woke up this morning at 4:00 am, I have managed to add roughly 7 million minutes to each 60 minute hour and somehow come out with 117 hours...and the day isn't even over yet!  

The good news is I still have somewhere around 3 years of work to finish before I sleep!

Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that a truckload of peaches?

Who do I get to KILL for this?

As together we stand and sing.

BP

DESPERATE TIMES, DESPERATE PREACHING

In recent weeks I have been engaging in what I like to call, "Experimental Preaching".  

With all of the distractions of modern day life, the Iphones and Ipods and the...Idon'tknowwhat'sit's, it can take all of a Preacher's massive preaching skills and crowd control talents just to get an audience to pay attention long enough to get through a Bible-based, 3-point, 2 joke, 1 dog story sermon.  It isn't like it used to be when all you had to worry about was church fans and a few tent revival flies.  It's serious now.

So it is too with the modern day Blurch (blog-church).  There is no telling how many things I'm unknowingly competing with right now just to get you to read this Blermon (blog-sermon).  So...

Desperate times, require desperate Bleaching (blog-preaching).  So here goes...

Behold

the

Preacher

in

his study,

looking like

a 

diving

buddy.

See 

the

goggles

on

his

head?

See

the

flippers

in 

his

BED?

What kind

of man

is this

CREATURE?

Just

a

'nother

desperate

PREACHER!

Preaching still

the words

of God

while

struggling

'gainst

Ipad and pod.

Whatever it takes...

As together we stand and sing.

BP