KING PREACHER

At least once a week, my wife Gidget informs of the fact that I have become what is called in Preaching circles as “High Maintenance”.  Maybe you’ve heard of it.  Maybe I’ve seen you at the meeting.

According to Gidget, I can be a little “challenging” to deal with most days.  Apparently, she thinks I can be a little whinny, a bit needy, overly sensitive, selfish, moody, obsessive, and on BAD days a sore loser.

My response to these charges is always the same: So what’s you’re point, honey?

Of course, Gidget HATES it when I say that, but desperate times require stupid arguments.  Plus, I have found it to be a fairly effective way to put an break into the “high maintenance” discussion long enough for me to make my escape.

But I have to say, I think there IS a valid reason for a lot of my apparently unacceptable behavior - behavior which I must say, comes so very naturally to me.  I have recently begun to believe that I may very well have more than my fair share of ROYAL BLOOD coursing through my veins. 

No, I didn’t find a throne out in the barn or stumbled upon some royal link in the family genealogy chart. No, nothing like that.

I have simply come to realize that I find it virtually impossible to sleep through the night if there’s a pea under my mattress.

I don’t mean a REAL pea, of course.  Gidget doesn’t let me eat peas anywhere near the bed - I’m talking metaphorically.  I mean I can’t sleep if there’s the slightest thing off about my pillow, the covers, my pajamas, the temperature, the amount of light there is in the room, or...if there happens to be a pea under the mattress. (Sometimes I DO eat peas in bed when Gidget’s out of town.  Shhh...).

I can’t help it - I’m a KING!

Which in MY view would be GREAT for Gidget.  Who doesn’t want to be married to a KING?! Who also preaches?  We all have our personal dreams.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THE NEW BP CD IS HERE!

 They said it could never be done...

Well OK, I said that...several times...a day...for 2 years...it's how I keep myself motivated.

But today, an impossible dream has been realized.  Today the long-awaited, long-threatened, 49 minutes long, Brother Preacher CD is finally here!  

Just in time for Thanksgiving presents!

Look out, Joel Olsteen.  Wipe that smirk off your face.  It's just a matter of time before I get ME a basketball stadium and a see-thru pulpit.  Anyhow...where was I?

We've taken some of my finest preaching moments (from my TOKENS sermon series) and strung them together, with a couple of original preaching tunes and some soon-to-be-award-winning behind the scenes interviews, and have created what MAY be the finest collection, of stupid preaching ever recorded.

And from what people who have already heard the CD are saying, I will either be preaching in a stadium by the end of the year or disfellowshipped.  It could really go either way.

Little wonder.  Just take a look at some of the important church-y, preacher-y topics I cover on this CD...

 The church, and my chances of being able to get a preaching job anywhere ever again, will never be the same.  You better act fast.  I don't think they let you sell sermon CD's if you've been disfellowshipped.

So click on the link below to hear a sample of some of this pew-shaking, belly-aching preaching...

http://www.tokensshow.com/the-most-outstanding-homilies-so-far-of-brother-preacher/

...then go here to order your copies of my new CD today:

http://store.tokensshow.com/

Get one for your wife, one for your husband, get a couple for your kids.   Kids LOVE preaching.

And be SURE and get a couple for your poor, 'ole lonely preacher.  It will hurt his feelings at first, knowing that he will never be able to preach as good as me, but believe me, he will be thrilled to finally have some some fresh preaching material that he can steal and call his own. 

And don't forget your FACEBOOK friends.  I figure if we can get every member of this Blurch (blog-church) to order just 2 copies for every "friend" they have on FACEBOOK - I should be able to break even on this thing.

Gidget made it pretty clear that I need to break even on this thing.  So uh..."Get Your Preach On" everybody.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHER PAINS

Well, I threw my back out the other day. 

Not sure what I did.  Might've been the racquetball.  Or maybe that set of Lexicons I moved to the upstairs pulpit.

And I can already hear what some of you are saying, “Well, big deal, Preacher.  So what?  How bad can a little back twitch be?  Get to work!”

The term “throwing your back out” is one of those terms you hear people say all the time.  It doesn’t mean anything.  Until it happens to you.  Once it happens to YOU - then you get it.  

 I suppose a lot of life is like that.  I always thought a turtle was a terrible idea for a pet - until I won one at a Preacher’s Conference for “Outstanding Announcements”.  Turtles can be cool.  And throwing your back out can make you think you glow in the dark.

The first time you actually “throw your back OUT” (I mean for REAL) you are instantly filled with a secret knowledge from on high.  The clouds separate, the earth trembles, and a little white dove flies down from heaven, lands on your still shaking shoulder and whispers into your ear saying, “Now do you GET it, Smarty Pants?”

You try to sit down, you black out.  You try to stand up, you black out.  You try to make a Pop Tart, pain shoots up your back and into your arms, the Pop Tart goes flyin’ and you faint while howlin’ like a baby wolf.   

And don’t even THINK of showin’ off by puttin’ on socks or flushin’ a toilet - unless you LIKE hangin’ out on the bathroom floor for 6 hours.

Once you throw your back out you are instantly inducted into a very elite club of fellow whiners who understand what you’re going through without you sayin a word.  Sigh.  It's good to be in the presence of such whiners at a time like this. Group whining can be very effective.

Who cares what others think!?  Who cares what the pain free say!?  Let them go about their day liftin’ pans and waving at mailmen.   

Just get me more Flexeril and get out of here!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

DON'T SHOOT! I'M A PREACHER

I just found one of the most game-changing, Pulpit-altering innovations in preaching since the invention of the 3-point rhyme scheme.  It's called...

...the "PASTOR DO NOT SHOOT" t-shirt!!

I think I just found my first product line for my website. How handy for a preacher!  To actually have an article of clothing that encourages people to NOT shoot them!  With THIS kind of innovation, EVERYBODY will wanna preach!

Just think of it: you're a Preacher in a Grumpy Elders meeting; just as things start to get a little on the "mouthy" side, you unbutton you're dress shirt to reveal...

Whamo!  You're in the clear!  Preach what you want!  Who's afraid of a grumpy, old elder now!?!

You're out door knockin', with a handful of Gospel Meeting Tent Revival fliers in hand.  They see you coming up the sidewalk, load their gun and start to get a bead on you when at the last minute they see through their high-powered scope...

SAFE AGAIN!  Tent Revival fliers all around!!!


You're wife Gidget has had her ever-last fill of you and your stupid, non-traditional views on dish cleaning.  Who cares?  Just walk out the door with confidence, knowing that she will not blow your head off with her new shiny Christmas present.  Why?  Because you've got...

Sigh.  This is great.

I wonder if I can get this in a 42 regular 3-piece suit for Sunday mornings?

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SERMPROVISE IT!

I was recently asked by one of my...what’s the phrase I’m looking for...adoring, foot washing, koo koo for me fans...I guess that’s close enough.  You get it.  Anyhow...

I was recently asked, “Brother Preacher, is it true that you are actually a self-taught preacher?”

The answer is “no”.  Though it DOES come across that way sometimes.  But thank-you for the compliment. 

I am actually a highly trained Minister of the Word, having studied for 9 years at the Sunshine School of Preaching, Colorado Springs.

That’s sounds more impressive that it is considering the fact that it was only a 6-month course.  Still, I enjoyed my time there - probably more than I should have.

In the meantime I have become what is called an “Improviser of Sermons” or if you will a “Sermproviser.” I just make ‘em up as I go!   

This is why my sermons tend to have that fresh, "what the heck is he talkin’ about", “look what I found” feel about them.  The reason they feel that way is because that is exactly what they are!  Amazing how that works.

I love making up sermons.  Unlike a lot of Preachers, sometimes, I actually LEARN something from MY sermons.  That's because as I’m listening to my sermon, it is as new to ME as it is to anybody else.  It's like a "Sermon Surprise" every time I open my mouth!

It’s a weird experience, really.  I had a doctor friend who used to do surgeries the same way.  HE was a RIOT to hang around with, lemme tell ya!  These days,  he's down in Arizona, enjoying his time as a full-time landscaper.  Anyhow...

I think the most important part of  making up or “Sermprovising” any sermon, is to not panic.  Just trust that your years of study will surface at just the right time and give you what needs to be said.   

When that DOESN’T happen know that you can always depend on having a good song leader who gets bored easily and who will happily cut you off after about 25 minutes.  Or 5 minutes, depending on how big the train wreck is.

As long as you have those two things - and an ample supply of stories about your kids - you TOO can “Sermprovise” with confidence knowing that...

Oops...here comes my radio song leader - out of time!  Gotta go.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THE SELF SERVICE (SERVICE)

It almost seems like it never happened now, like it wasn’t real, like it was some kind of a too-good-to-be-true dream I had during some kind of sugar high.  But deep down I know it was real.

I KNOW for a fact that they USED to wash your windows and check your oil every time THEY filled your car up with gas.   Try to tell that to somebody under the age of 40 and they’ll look at you like you’re wearin’ a stovepipe hat and a 3-piece suit made out of logs.

Let’s face it - things have changed since those days.  We live in a do-it-yourself, self-service world.  Gasoline procurement was just the start.  Now, I take money out of the bank without a teller, check myself out of the grocery store and take out my own tonsils (coming next November!).

When I realized this, it dawned on me that I’ve been in the dark ages when it comes to church worship services.  They way most of us do church you’d think it was 1966 and somebody just saluted me when they loaded my groceries into my car.

I hate to break the news - but the days of full serve ANYthing are long gone!  So why in the world am I still preachin’ at people, and leading them in songs, and passin’ out communion?  Look, you get your own yogurt and fill your own coffee, I figure you can preach your own sermon if necessary dunk yourself in a river every now and then.  Why should I break my neck anymore?

Maybe I should start puttin’ waders, a Bible and an empty sermon outline on the pews on Sunday and just stay home!  Then we could all “fellowship” when the mood strikes us on FACE BOOK - certainly would be more convenient.  And in my case - take up a LOT less time.  I mean do this right and we won’t even NEED Preachers like ME anymore!

OK, scratch everything I just said.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHER CAKES

Someone recently informed me that there is a thing out there in the world called a "Preacher's Cake". 

Naturally, I was intrigued.  I am - as you know - the keeper of all things "Preacher".  The mere thought of there being a delicious desert out there designed specifically with the Preacher in mind tells me life just got better.  I can go another day.

Imagine - a cake MADE for Preachers.  My guess is frosting and a Greek Lexicon are somehow involved.

Of course, the first thing that popped into my mind when they mentioned a "Preacher Cake" was something like this...

If you've ever had the misfortune of attending a Preacher's Breakfast, I'm sure you've watched with disgust as Preachers make fast work of these little puppies.  

Watching Preachers eat is among my top 5 "Never Wanna See Again" list.  They show no mercy.  It's like they take all their frustrations with teaching Ladies Bible Class and dealing with Grumpy Elders out on masticating chicken legs and brownies.  

It's astonishing how fast Preachers can misplace verses on gluttony once a Pot Luck prayer gets said.  

(Shudder)

Sorry - just had a mental image of the last Preacher's Breakfast I attended.  It wasn't pretty.  We lost some good guys.  And even more brownies and chicken legs.

Anyhow, so you can imagine my surprise when I found out that a  donut with sprinkles on it was NOT a "Preacher's Cake".  From what they tell me, THIS is a "Preacher's Cake":

Are you kiddin' me?  Kinda disappointing.  What year IS this?  1882?  

And yes, for those of you who are wondering - that IS pineapple at the bottom of this baby - IF you can get through the 3 inches of sour cream frosting.

Whoever invented this cake CLEARLY didn't care for Preachers.  Or cake.

This cake reminds me of a baby shower my wife Gidget made me go to back in the early 90's...before it was cool for guys to hang out at baby showers, of course.

PREACHERS NOTE: it's STILL NOT cool for guys to go to baby showers.  What are you guys thinkin'?  Why are you going to baby showers?  Did football suddenly evaporate from the planet?  I blame myself. Well, really I blame Gidget but let's not get into that here.   Anyhow...


To me, THIS is what a  "Preacher's Cake" should look like:

Or maybe THIS...

You know, something you can preach with.  I don't know about you, but I really appreciate a cake I can eat and also preach a 3-point hermeneutical-y sound sermon on the book of Jude with.

I know what you're saying.  But I can't help it.  I'm guilty: I like to eat my cake and preach with it too.  There I said it.  Get off my back.

Between you and me THIS is the only thing I can consider a REAL "Preacher's Cake".  And Gidget if you're reading...take the hint:

As together we stand and sing.

BP