MONKEY PREACHER

 I heard one time that if you sat a monkey in front of a typewriter and gave him enough time, eventually he would type all the plays of William Shakespeare. 

That’s some monkey; and I’m guessing a fair amount of bananas.  I’d hate to see what an Emu would come up with.  Now that I think of it, maybe that’s how they wrote the 70’s mega-hit, “Threes Company”.  I always thought that show had a certain “monkey loose on a typewriter” feel to it.

Now, I don’t know whether there’s much to this whole “monkey typing” thing, but I’m willing to give it a shot.  So I want all the Zoo Keepers of this Blurch (blog-church) to know that I’d be willing to give some honest, hard-working, young monkey a try at writing Blermons (blog-sermons) for me.  He must be a self-starter, able to work with deadlines and wear pants.  I’ll provide the computer and a tire swing.  I’ll need a semi-daily Blermon (make that “daily”) roughly 2 minutes in length.  Most importantly: No Tarzan jokes.

Monkey Bleaching (blog-preaching) could be a real turning point for this Blurch.  As far as I know, it would be the only one of it’s kind in the entire Preacherhood.  Well, except for all of Pat Robertson’s stuff.  I’m pretty sure a monkey does his stuff.  And I think Benny Hinn has a goldfish writing his sermons now.  At least that what it seems like to me.

What could it hurt?  Having a monkey write my Blermons couldn’t be any worse than what I do now.  And I KNOW they’d be better than the ones I hear from a certain TV preacher who will remain nameless, but rhymes with Joel Olsteen.  For now, let’s just call him Mole Tolsteen.

The only draw back to Monkey Preaching would be finding a monkey who could actually pull off an award-winning Blermon.  I mean, nobody ever said “put a monkey at a computer and give him enough time and a Blermon will pop out”.  All that’s ever been promised was the Shakespeare stuff.  Personally, I prefer my Blermons and sermons to be Bible-y in nature.  Shakespeare just makes my head hurt, though some of it DOES remind me of King James. 

Of course, all of this is a mute point if whatever monkey I get to write Blermons refuses to also do hospital visits.  

As together we stand and sing.

BP

ZACCHAEUS

LUKE 19:1-10 tells the story of a tax collector from the town of Jericho named Zacchaeus (or Zack-EE-us...at least that’s how us Preachers promenounce it).

The story of Zacchaeus has always been one of my personal favorites ever since I was a little kid. 

For one, Zacchaeus is a cool name.  With the proper attention to costuming, he could have easily been transformed into some kind of a super hero.  I also had a dog named Zacchaeus once.  I also had a dog named Boo-Puppy.  But Boo-Puppy isn’t in the Bible.  Anyhow...

The story of Zacchaeus is also one of the few Bible stories that comes with it’s own song.  This is super handy if you happen to be a Preacher who forgot your Bible...which I happen to be most of the time.  The lyrics go like this:

"Zacchaeus was a wee little man

And a wee little man was he

He climbed up in a sycamore tree

For the Lord he wanted to see

And when the Lord came passing by 

He looked up in the tree

And He said, 'Zacchaeus,

You come down from there!

For I'm going to your house today!

For I'm going to your house today!'"

OK, not a great rhyming scheme and the meter can be a little tricky.  Rogers and Hart it ain’t.  Still, there aren’t any “Jesus and the Fig Tree” songs that I know of, so boo hoo.

As a kid, this story had everything I loved: Zacchaeus was short; I was too.  Zacchaeus loved climbing trees; I was always in a tree.  Not much has changed.

As an adult, this story continues to resonate for me - but for different reasons.  In spite of some fairly significant strikes against him, Zacchaeus was determined to see the Lord.  So he did what others might have considered an undignified, certainly unconventional act, and climbed a tree. 

No doubt there would have been hecklers, mockers.  If you think the sight of the town’s short, despised, evil, little tax collector trying to climb a tree, didn’t produce some major hits, you don’t know how hated guys in Zack’s profession were in those days (they were considered traitors - so what’s new?).  Just seeing him struggle to get up in the tree would have been the perfect time for some well-placed, hurtful “comments” from his “fans”, to say the least.

But Zacchaeus prevailed.  He kept climbing.  And for his trouble, he got to have the Lord for a dinner guest.  Tradition says he got even more than that.

Um...is any of this getting through to anybody yet?

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SATURDAY NIGHT

At times like these (late on Sauturday evening when I haven't quite got my sermon together for Sunday yet), I love to sing  wonderful hits from the fifties.

Naturally, I change the words just a little bit so that they might speak a little bit more to my fellow Preachers who  find themselves in a similar situation, and just realized what day it is.  This one's for YOU guys!

The folllowing award-winning lyrics should be sung to that tune "Well, It's Saturday Night".  At least I think that's what its called.  Whatever.  Who cares?  Good luck, fellas!

Well it's Saturday night

And I ain't got no sermon, 

Ain't got no sermon 

For my church on Sunday.

Oh how I wish 

I could steal one from Olsteen

But his are way too lame.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

IT HAPPENED (PART 2)

WARNING:  For those of you trying to read this without first reading "It Happened - Part 1" have no one to blame but yourselves.  For those of you who HAVE read Part 1...here we go!

Welcome to Part 2, everybody!

Isn't this exciting?

Sigh.  

Guess I kinda said everything I was gonna say on this in Part 1.  Still, Part 1 wouldn't have worked without Part 2 so...here it is!

How exciting.

Poor Joel Olsteen.  I remain out of his reach.  I can out preach him with one Bible tied behind my back; and do so on a consistently devastating basis.

I hope all the Blembers (blog-members) who were affected by yesterday's "Day of No Blermon" can forgive me.  Surely you can see now that it was all part of my master plan.  I only did what I HAD to do in order to have this historic DOUBLE BLERMON DAY.

Sigh.  

OK.  Good job, everybody.  I'm gonna go eat a donut now.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

IT HAPPENED (PART 1)

Well, it happened.  They said it was bound to. 

Naturally, my critics are giddy.  The Blembers (blog-members) of this Blurch (blog-church) heartbroken.

After over 185 consecutive days of consistently inspiring, pretty much Bible based, award-winning, world-class Bleaching (blog-preaching) we have been forced to witness the bloody, heartbreaking demise of one of the most influential Blogs ever typed.

Yesterday, for the first time in over 185 days, The Semi-Daily Preacher posted...NO Blermon from Brother Preacher. 

Easy.   Breathe.  You may wanna sit down.  Its gonna be OK.  I know what I’m doin’.  I’m a Bleacher (blog-preacher) for cryin’ out loud.

I know many of you are devastated by this disturbing development.  There have been reports of hundreds of hospitalizations from Blembers across the country, several who lost consciousness.  There have been some suicide attempts, some riots, and one guy in Texas who joined the Marine Corp to “take back what America lost.” 

Who’s to blame for this travesty!?  What’s next?!  No Christmas?  No gravy for biscuits!?  It must be the end of the world!!!  Surely the 3rd rider of the Apocalypse has just mounted up and headed out to make all the whole milk in the world skim.

And yet...be of good cheer.

What you THINK happened is actually part of a huge, semi-global, master-minded scheme to take the Blembers of this Blurch to heights of excitement Joel Olsteen couldn’t even dream of.   Joel Olsteen is lame.

Unbeknownst to even my wife Gidget, you are all a part of one of the most elaborate and exciting experiments in all of Bleaching (blog-preaching).  You are right now in the middle of experiencing PART ONE of the world’s first....

DOUBLE BLERMON DAY!!!

You say, “I don’t get it?  This seems stupid and lame.”

But as the voyeur once said to his trainee, “Hide and watch.”

Part 2 of this exciting adventure is coming in a matter of minutes!!

Stay tuned!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

WHEN BLERMONS BLITTER

WARNING: Some of you won't get this.

What happens when Blermons (blog-sermons) look like Bleets (blog-tweets) on Blitter (blog-Twitter)?

Brother Preacher is...

Bleaching a Blermon.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SONGS TO LIVE BY

There’s a lot you can learn from the lyrics of a song.  Well not EVERY song.  There are some new church songs that leave me scratchin’ my head...

“Glory, glory, praise, praise, glory, wonderful, gloriness, praisey, praisey, praise joy.”

I have no idea what these words are trying to say, and frankly I don’t even care anymore.

Some of the best tunes, with some of the best lyrics I’ve EVER heard were tunes I learned while still a child in Sunday School:

“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.”

I feel better already.

“Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world.”

Think I’m covered in this one too.

“If the devil’s in the way I will run right over him AND I won’t tag a long behind.” 

Which makes sense.  If you ever run over the Devil, you don’t really wanna hang around afterwards to see what happens next. It’s really best to high tail it out of there.

The grown up church songs were pretty good too.

“And he walks with me and he talks with me and he tells me I am his own.”

I should sing this one more often.  I should also walk more.

“Turn your radio on...”

Between you and mean I haven’t turned on my radio in 3 years.  I’m an IPOD guy.

“We will come rejoicing bringing in the sheaves.”   

Hey, whatever a “sheaves” is, I’m glad you brought it in and that it made you happy.

Of course church songs aren’t the only tunes with good things to say.  One of my favorite Rap Songs has proved to be both practical and wise.  The great Jay Z raps...

“If you shoot my dog, I’ma kill your cat.”

Personally, I appreciate this straightforward, no nonsense information.  I’m also glad I don’t currently own a cat.

“Doo Doo Doo, dah, dah, dah -  is all I want to say to you.”

I think Sting must have heard me preach a time of two before.

But when it comes to just flat out life lessons being told I have to turn to the great Johnny Cash who sang these powerful words...

“In the garbage disposal of you dreams I’ve been ground up dear

“On the river of your plans I’m up the creek

“Up the elevator of your future I’ve been shafted

“On the calendar of your events I’m last week

“I’ve been washed down the sink of your “conscience

“In the theater of your love I lost my part

“And now you say you’ve got me out of your conscience

“I’ve been flushed from the bathroom of your heart.”

There’s really nothing to say to that one.  When you hear a song like “I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart” you’ve really said it all.

As together we stand and sing.

BP