SERMPROVISE IT!

I was recently asked by one of my...what’s the phrase I’m looking for...adoring, foot washing, koo koo for me fans...I guess that’s close enough.  You get it.  Anyhow...

I was recently asked, “Brother Preacher, is it true that you are actually a self-taught preacher?”

The answer is “no”.  Though it DOES come across that way sometimes.  But thank-you for the compliment. 

I am actually a highly trained Minister of the Word, having studied for 9 years at the Sunshine School of Preaching, Colorado Springs.

That’s sounds more impressive that it is considering the fact that it was only a 6-month course.  Still, I enjoyed my time there - probably more than I should have.

In the meantime I have become what is called an “Improviser of Sermons” or if you will a “Sermproviser.” I just make ‘em up as I go!   

This is why my sermons tend to have that fresh, "what the heck is he talkin’ about", “look what I found” feel about them.  The reason they feel that way is because that is exactly what they are!  Amazing how that works.

I love making up sermons.  Unlike a lot of Preachers, sometimes, I actually LEARN something from MY sermons.  That's because as I’m listening to my sermon, it is as new to ME as it is to anybody else.  It's like a "Sermon Surprise" every time I open my mouth!

It’s a weird experience, really.  I had a doctor friend who used to do surgeries the same way.  HE was a RIOT to hang around with, lemme tell ya!  These days,  he's down in Arizona, enjoying his time as a full-time landscaper.  Anyhow...

I think the most important part of  making up or “Sermprovising” any sermon, is to not panic.  Just trust that your years of study will surface at just the right time and give you what needs to be said.   

When that DOESN’T happen know that you can always depend on having a good song leader who gets bored easily and who will happily cut you off after about 25 minutes.  Or 5 minutes, depending on how big the train wreck is.

As long as you have those two things - and an ample supply of stories about your kids - you TOO can “Sermprovise” with confidence knowing that...

Oops...here comes my radio song leader - out of time!  Gotta go.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THE SELF SERVICE (SERVICE)

It almost seems like it never happened now, like it wasn’t real, like it was some kind of a too-good-to-be-true dream I had during some kind of sugar high.  But deep down I know it was real.

I KNOW for a fact that they USED to wash your windows and check your oil every time THEY filled your car up with gas.   Try to tell that to somebody under the age of 40 and they’ll look at you like you’re wearin’ a stovepipe hat and a 3-piece suit made out of logs.

Let’s face it - things have changed since those days.  We live in a do-it-yourself, self-service world.  Gasoline procurement was just the start.  Now, I take money out of the bank without a teller, check myself out of the grocery store and take out my own tonsils (coming next November!).

When I realized this, it dawned on me that I’ve been in the dark ages when it comes to church worship services.  They way most of us do church you’d think it was 1966 and somebody just saluted me when they loaded my groceries into my car.

I hate to break the news - but the days of full serve ANYthing are long gone!  So why in the world am I still preachin’ at people, and leading them in songs, and passin’ out communion?  Look, you get your own yogurt and fill your own coffee, I figure you can preach your own sermon if necessary dunk yourself in a river every now and then.  Why should I break my neck anymore?

Maybe I should start puttin’ waders, a Bible and an empty sermon outline on the pews on Sunday and just stay home!  Then we could all “fellowship” when the mood strikes us on FACE BOOK - certainly would be more convenient.  And in my case - take up a LOT less time.  I mean do this right and we won’t even NEED Preachers like ME anymore!

OK, scratch everything I just said.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHER CAKES

Someone recently informed me that there is a thing out there in the world called a "Preacher's Cake". 

Naturally, I was intrigued.  I am - as you know - the keeper of all things "Preacher".  The mere thought of there being a delicious desert out there designed specifically with the Preacher in mind tells me life just got better.  I can go another day.

Imagine - a cake MADE for Preachers.  My guess is frosting and a Greek Lexicon are somehow involved.

Of course, the first thing that popped into my mind when they mentioned a "Preacher Cake" was something like this...

If you've ever had the misfortune of attending a Preacher's Breakfast, I'm sure you've watched with disgust as Preachers make fast work of these little puppies.  

Watching Preachers eat is among my top 5 "Never Wanna See Again" list.  They show no mercy.  It's like they take all their frustrations with teaching Ladies Bible Class and dealing with Grumpy Elders out on masticating chicken legs and brownies.  

It's astonishing how fast Preachers can misplace verses on gluttony once a Pot Luck prayer gets said.  

(Shudder)

Sorry - just had a mental image of the last Preacher's Breakfast I attended.  It wasn't pretty.  We lost some good guys.  And even more brownies and chicken legs.

Anyhow, so you can imagine my surprise when I found out that a  donut with sprinkles on it was NOT a "Preacher's Cake".  From what they tell me, THIS is a "Preacher's Cake":

Are you kiddin' me?  Kinda disappointing.  What year IS this?  1882?  

And yes, for those of you who are wondering - that IS pineapple at the bottom of this baby - IF you can get through the 3 inches of sour cream frosting.

Whoever invented this cake CLEARLY didn't care for Preachers.  Or cake.

This cake reminds me of a baby shower my wife Gidget made me go to back in the early 90's...before it was cool for guys to hang out at baby showers, of course.

PREACHERS NOTE: it's STILL NOT cool for guys to go to baby showers.  What are you guys thinkin'?  Why are you going to baby showers?  Did football suddenly evaporate from the planet?  I blame myself. Well, really I blame Gidget but let's not get into that here.   Anyhow...


To me, THIS is what a  "Preacher's Cake" should look like:

Or maybe THIS...

You know, something you can preach with.  I don't know about you, but I really appreciate a cake I can eat and also preach a 3-point hermeneutical-y sound sermon on the book of Jude with.

I know what you're saying.  But I can't help it.  I'm guilty: I like to eat my cake and preach with it too.  There I said it.  Get off my back.

Between you and me THIS is the only thing I can consider a REAL "Preacher's Cake".  And Gidget if you're reading...take the hint:

As together we stand and sing.

BP

TRICK OR PREACHER

I realize that many of you will soon be heading out to do a little Trick or Treating. I also realize that others of you will be trying to make the Trick or Treaters feel like they're doing something wrong simply by GOING Trick or Treating.

To those of you in the latter group (many of whom I suspect are Grumpy Elders) I would simply say this: No candy for you.

For the rest of you, I want to give a couple of costume tips for your big night out.  Assuming, of course, that you have decided to go as a Preacher.  By the way - you're gonna cash in tonight - people love givin' stuff to Preachers.  

From: "So You Want To be A Preacher"

TIP #1 - There's nothing magic about going "Classic".  Works every time: dark suit, checkered tie, white shirt, frame less glasses, conditional smile (that gets bigger after a baptism).  The only way to improve THIS costume... 

A real pro

TIP #2 - Add a Bible and wave your arms like a maniac.  Now THAT's A Preacher!  Amen?!

First down!

TIP#3 - If you go for the big stick...

"T" is for "Take this off and put on a suit."

You have to include the "hoodie" with a "t" on it.  That's...kind of a rule.

No.

TIP #4 - NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!!!!  How many times do I have to say this?!!  If you wear this, eventually you'll be doing THIS...

Preachers DON'T walk on water

And nobody wants to see THAT.

Shake your God thing

TIP #5 - No silk shirts from 1978.  This is a church, not a disco.  And stand UP for cryin' out loud!!

Bond...PREACHER Bond

TIP #6 - Oh please...be serious.

CAN lower cholesterol

TIP #7 - Hats don't work on Preachers.  Unless you're selling oatmeal.


Finally...study this next picture and just do the opposite of everything you see here...

NO dogs...or whatever that is.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

MAKING SURE

Matthew

Mark

Luke (and)

John

Acts (and the letter to the)

Romans

First and Second Corinthians

Galatians (and)

Ephesians

Philippians

Colossians

 First and Second Thessalonians

First and Second Timothy

Titus (and)

Philemon

Hebrews

James

First and Second Peter

First and Second and Third John

Jude (and)

Revelation

Sometimes I just like to make sure I still got it.  

Me in Books of the Bible mode

As together we stand and sing.

BP

TIME OUT

A good friend of mine just sent me this rather...disturbing bit of news:

I think I need to lie down.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Can you Bleach (blog-preach) in your sleep?

What?  Sorry.  I think I dozed off.

As together we stand and sing.

BP