THE RESULTS ARE IN!

I want to let everybody know the answers to yesterday's "Pulpit Puzzler".  Give yourself 5 points for every answer you got right.  Good luck.  Here we go...

1.) Sometimes
2.) Moses
3.) God
4.) Jesus
5.) God
6.) God
7.) God
8.) Jesus
9.) Sometimes the Holy Spirit
10.) Tommy Chong 
11.) Leave It To Beaver
12.) King David
13.) God
14.) God
15.) God
16.) Sometimes the Holy Ghost
17.) 40
18.) 7
19.) 144
20.) Sometimes God, sometimes Tommy Chong.

Hold on.  Did I send out the "Pulpit Puzzler" yesterday?

Oh, for cryin' out loud.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHER MOVES

I am often asked for insights into the secret life of Preachers.

I have to admit, it is a fascinating study.  Preachers are among the world's most interesting people, second only to Zoo Keepers and Guys Who Break Dance Past Age 40.  They are more interesting than movie stars and girl jazz singers by somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 light years.

So today we will explore the moves Preachers use while in the pulpit in order to excite and bewilder and eventually baptize an audience.  First up: "The Bible Flop".

The Bible Flop

This is a very standard Preacher Move.  It gives a certain authority.  People don't like to argue with a guy who's got his Bible flopped open like this WHILE he's preachin'.  It's very intimidating.  It's simple.  It's effective. 

It's also a good way to lose your sermon notes that you stuck into your Bible right before you mounted the pulpit.  If you're preaching outside and you try this move, you're dead.  

Because of this problem, some guys go for a variation of the Bible Flop called "The Flat Flop".

The Flat Flop

With the Flat Flop we see that the Bible is "flopped" but it's flat, thus keeping sermon notes safe from flying away.  Except for the hankie in his pocket, this guy's ready for some serious, al fresco preaching.

The Mickey Mouse

Next is a little used move called, "The Mickey Mouse".  No Bible is needed for this move, but a big golden cross on your suit helps.  This move is good for when there's a question you can't hear in the back of the auditorium or for quick surrenders during Bible debates with cocky seminary guys.

The Flop-N-Finger

Here's a combination move called "The Flop-N-Finger".  On this move the standard Bible Flop is combined with the "Pharisee Finger" for what amounts to a very mouthy move.  By the way, who knew Captain Kangaroo was also a preacher?  


Next, is one of my personal favorites...

The Elvis

..."The Elvis".  It's also known as the "Samson Pillar Move" and simply  "The Tah Dah!"  It's the perfect move after you just been smitten by an unexpected spiritual truth upside the head.

The Big Mardi

This next one isn't really a move so much as Mardi Gras beads.  Thus, "The Big Mardi".  I have never employed this move myself, primarily because I wouldn't want to see what the congregation was wearing (or NOT wearing) while I was busy wearing the beads.

Air Chopper

This guy has NEVER worn beads, but he does make good use of the one and only "Air Chopper" move.  It's sensible, direct, and not too flashy.  Good for studying the book of Romans.
 

The Muzzler

Well, leave it to Swaggart to destroy with this perfectly executed "Five Finger Hippo Muzzler."  The Muzzler has multiple uses.  It can make 5 points, screw in a huge light bulb, AND actually muzzle a hippo in the wild.  This one's not for the Newbie Preacher.  
 

The Never Do

I really can't stand this guy.  What kind of a ridiculous move is this for a Preacher to make?  He ought to be ashamed of himself!  Don't get me started.  OK, that's it.  I've said enough.  Bottom line: don't EVER do this move unless you're looking to get fired or slapped by a Ladies Bible Class.
 

Flop-N-Finger 2

 Again, another example of the "Flop-N-Finger" with variation.  The FNF-V is used to illustrate what a "point 1" looks like, and to see if there's enough wind to blow your sermon notes out of your Bible.

The Claw

"The Claw" is dangerous.  Looks too much like you're asking for money or auditioning for American Idol.  Rookie mistake.  Avoid.
 

The Pharisee Finger

Here's one called, "The Pharisee Finger sans Bible but WITH Holy Hankie".  For this one you'll need to memorize your sermon, and hope you sweat.
 

"The Italian" is rarely used today.  You can't really make any points on the fingers, you can't accuse anybody of anything like with the Pharisee Finger, and it looks like you're eating something WHILE preaching.  NOTE: never remind a church that they could be eating instead of listening to you.

2-Handed Flop

 The "2-Handed Bible Flop" is a  safe, classic move that keeps you from losing your sermon, but makes doing "The Elvis" virtually impossible.

CLASSIFIED

I can't tell you about this one.  I know all about it, but I CAN'T tell you about it.  It's dangerous and classified.  Suffice to say, it should be only be used in desperate situations (e.g. a Jello-salad Jamboree), and only with the right equipment including: a medallion, Bozo hair and a purple, 3-piece suit.
 

The Zit

"The Dual Neck Voo-Doo Chop"  works when your dog story illustration has failed.  Basically, just pretend you're popping a zit.

The Moron

Here's an example of a move called, "The Moron."  In this move you just scare people into getting baptized and then drown them.  Not a lot of stats as to the effectiveness of this move, it's still relatively new. 

Shut up

 

Oh, for cryin' out loud.  Really?  Are you serious?
 


As together we stand and sing.

BP

GUEST BLEACHER: JOEL OLSTEEN

Today we have a Guest Bleacher (blog-preacher) that I believe will leave many of you in shock.  That's right, Joel Olsteen is going to be giving the Blermon (blog-sermon) today.  It doesn't take but a cursory reading of this blog to know how I feel about JO - still, I am happy that he will be gracing us with his presence, and I can only hope that we will all be blessed as a result.  So it is without umbrage, or whatever, I introduce to you Brother JOEL OLSTEEN!  Please make him feel welcome!  

-------------------------------------------

OK, well...what a surprise.  It looks like pretty boy has stood us up.  Get what you pay for!  (Sigh)

Of course my critics will say that I should have actually "made contact" and "told" Joel Olsteen that I was expecting him to Bleach today, and that by NOT telling him that his AWOL-ness is somehow my fault.

HA!!!  Silly critics...this is Joel Olsteen we're talkin' about.  I'm in the clear.  Mr. Big Shot should have known what I wanted him to do. 

So...there.

Bottom line: I am STILL a better Bleacher than Joel Olsteen. 

Now THAT's what I call a GOOD Tuesday.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

All THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

In Matthew 19 the Bible says, 

"...with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

You may wanna think that one through before you get all excited about it.  Just because something IS possible doesn't necessarily mean you should be doin' it.  Case...in...point: 

I know this is going to come as a shock to many of you, but today I have done the impossible.

Today I did what no man has EVER done.  Oh, they say they've done it.  They talk like they've done it.  But all such talk is so much fluff and metaphor.

As for me and MY house...I really HAVE done it!

It's so exciting.  I hope there's a way I can make money off of this.  I doubt there is but with the right long term Twitter strategy...who knows?

You say, "Well, Preacher what is it exactly that you have done that has heretofore been deemed impossible?"

It's a fantastic question.

Answer: Today I LITERALLY have managed to jam exactly 117 hours into one day!  

I don't mean it FEELS like it.  I don't don't mean I had a LONG day.

I mean from the time I woke up this morning at 4:00 am, I have managed to add roughly 7 million minutes to each 60 minute hour and somehow come out with 117 hours...and the day isn't even over yet!  

The good news is I still have somewhere around 3 years of work to finish before I sleep!

Isn't that wonderful?

Isn't that a truckload of peaches?

Who do I get to KILL for this?

As together we stand and sing.

BP

DESPERATE TIMES, DESPERATE PREACHING

In recent weeks I have been engaging in what I like to call, "Experimental Preaching".  

With all of the distractions of modern day life, the Iphones and Ipods and the...Idon'tknowwhat'sit's, it can take all of a Preacher's massive preaching skills and crowd control talents just to get an audience to pay attention long enough to get through a Bible-based, 3-point, 2 joke, 1 dog story sermon.  It isn't like it used to be when all you had to worry about was church fans and a few tent revival flies.  It's serious now.

So it is too with the modern day Blurch (blog-church).  There is no telling how many things I'm unknowingly competing with right now just to get you to read this Blermon (blog-sermon).  So...

Desperate times, require desperate Bleaching (blog-preaching).  So here goes...

Behold

the

Preacher

in

his study,

looking like

a 

diving

buddy.

See 

the

goggles

on

his

head?

See

the

flippers

in 

his

BED?

What kind

of man

is this

CREATURE?

Just

a

'nother

desperate

PREACHER!

Preaching still

the words

of God

while

struggling

'gainst

Ipad and pod.

Whatever it takes...

As together we stand and sing.

BP

I NEED YOUR HELP

Dear Blongregation (Blog-Congregation),

Earlier this morning I was abducted by my wife, Gidget, and am now being forced to participate as her Sherpa at a mile long yard sale in the wild back country of Tennessee.  

As those of you who know me are already well aware...I'm probably not gonna make it.  I'm a Preacher for cryin' out loud, not a pack mule.  I haven't lifted anything heavier than a Bible Concordance for 22 years.  The longest walk I've been on was when I dressed up as the Apostle Paul at an outdoor V.B.S. and delivered cookies to "the Churches of Ephesus" - AKA Grades 2-4.  Plus that, I have never understood the whole "buying other people's junk" thing. 

I want you to know you have been a wonderful Blurch (Blog-Church) and no one has been a better Bleacher (Blog-Preacher) than me.

Be of good cheer - wth the Lord there is always hope.  

It could rain.  

Gidget could become distracted by some project here at home.

And of course...I could always die.  

In the end know that while it's too late to fast,  you can still pray for me...so get to it!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

JUST FOR FUN

Here’s something fun you can try at home.

STEP 1: Get yourself Blurch (blog- church) and begin Bleaching (blog-preaching) on it.  Do that for about 4 months or so, every day, without fail.

STEP 2: Once the ideas of what to Bleach about start to go a little dry, do some traveling, talk to some people, spend some time reading some newspapers and books.  Really work hard at getting something fresh to say to your Blongregation (blog-congregation).

STEP 3: Get yourself set up and ready to Bleach: adjust your computer just the way you like it, have some coffee handy, get some jazz goin’ in the background, sit in a comfy chair.

STEP 4: Begin typing.

STEP 5: Four seconds after you begin typing, have 14 guys from the Department Of Waterworks set up camp 2 feet outside your window and begin conducting the Opening Ceremonies for the Jackhammer Olympics.

STEP 6: Have this competition continue for the next 7 hours.  Be sure to include the ever-present BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP sound of 3 trucks constantly backing up, the riotous laughter of workers, and of course the sweet sound of competitive, dueling jackhammers.

STEP 7: Begin typing IN ALL CAPS SO THAT YOU CAN HEAR WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE YOUR BRAIN!!!!!!  KEEP THIS GOING UNTIL YOU’RE PRETTY SURE THERE ARE ELVES LIVING UNDER YOUR COUCH WHO ARE TRYING TO GET YOU TO PLAY MONOPOLY WITH THEM!!!!  WHAT?!?!  I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!  WHAT??!!  I SAID I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!  WHAT???!!!!

STEP 8: Stop typing and walk to a nearby window.  Make sure that the window is in the CLOSED position.

STEP 9: Take a deep breath and then place your head completely THROUGH the closed window.  Do this a number of times, until you start to feel faint.

STEP 10: Wrap your head in a towel and then drive yourself to the Emergency Room.

STEP 11: Receive medical attention for the massive, self-inflicted lacerations to your head. 

STEP 12: While in the recovery room, drink some grape juice and eat a couple of Fig Newtons.  Then try to take a short nap.  Why not?  You’re paying for it.

STEP 13: Return home late that night and finish typing your Blermon (blog-sermon) sans the Jackhammer Olympics.   

CAUTION: at this point you may no longer remember what it was you were trying to type in the first place.  You may also not have the use of your right hand.

Mix well.

Let stand for 20 minutes.

Post online.

Serves 34.

As together we stand and sing.

BP