BOX TOX

I love boxes.

 I also love Boxers...as in dogs.  This one jumped in the car with me one time.  

I named him Sammy.  He liked to sleep under the TV tray.  Who doesn't?

Sometimes I like to get a bunch of boxes from the grocery store and just stack 'em up around the house.  Makes me feel like live in a back room of a grocery store.  I never go hungry. 

Other times I pretend like I'm movin' somewhere, which is always so exciting. I like to imagine what exotic locale I will be heading for next and what fascinating new people I will be get to preach at.  Or to.  Or...at.  Both.  Whatever.  

Maybe I'll be imprisoned like the Apostle Paul and have to live in one of these boxes someday.  

It COULD happen.  Depends on where I pretend to move.

When I was a kid I used to get inside of boxes and roll myself down the stairs.  Now THAT was FUN!  And, it probably explains a lot of my concentration and memory problems.

So many boxes, so many possibilities.   


Just...like...a Preacher.


Think about it.  

No, I mean REALLY think about it.  Then lemme know what you come up with.

Let's face it, analogies aren't as easy as they look.  This one's gonna have to simmer a while.  

But I've got time.  And a roomful of boxes.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

STAND AND PREACH!

I'm feeling poem-y.  You've been warned.

STAND AND PREACH!

by BP, circa this morning

Sunday's it, the day you sit

A tray of matzos passes

A quick Google search, says "You're in church,"

The Fancy call it "Mass-es".

The difference true, with me and you

The Preacher and Preach-ees

"Stuck" is you, in a pew

While I stretch my preaching knee-knees.

Some say it's wrong, to play ping pong

While preaching the Good News

I say its wrong to wear a thong

While sitting on new pews.

So when I teach, I'll STAND and preach

While you just SIT and fidget

I don't mind, I take my time

And wink at my wife Gidget.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

WRITE IS WRITE

Someone suggested recently that the best way to write is to simply start writing.  Between you and me this sounds like madness.  But at this point, I'm willing to try anything.  So...let's get writing!

OK.  I am typing words now.  

Well, THAT was worked pretty well.  All I did there was write and writing just CAME out of my fingers.  That was a whole sentence I didn't even know was comin'.

It JUST happened again!  Did you see THAT?  This is weird.

I wonder if the "just write it" technique also works with bowling?  I've always wanted to bowl.  I love rolling things. I'd REALLY like to know if it works with baptizing people.  Something tells me spontaneous baptizing COULD be dangerous.  Then again, it could be the solution to church growth we've been waiting for.

I don't know it you noticed it or not but I JUST wrote a WHOLE paragraph about BOWLING and "spontaneous baptizing".  Eat your heart out Joel Olsteen.

The problem is, how do you STOP writing once you've started?  My guess is you just st..

Amazing.

(I'll make this more sermon-y someday - or not.  Who cares?  I'm done!)

As together we stand and sing.

BP

A BLOMENT OF SILENCE

This morning I would like to start by having a brief moment (or BlomentTM...Blog-moment) of silence.  It is so rare we give ourselves such opportunities, and yet I believe it is essential to...whatever.  

So let's take a moment now to, bow our heads, close our eyes and just sit quietly.  Then in a few minutes you can open your eyes and start reading this BlermonTM (blog-sermon) again.  Ready?  Go!

(SILENCE: BlongregationTM Quiet Time)_

(Not done yet: Bow your head and BE QUIET! )

 (What did I JUST say?  SHHHH!)

(OK - you can open your eyes now and keep reading.)

Ha, ha!  Guess what?  I'm LONG GONE!  I left while you had your eyes closed!

HEE HEE! I was gone by the second picture.  I'm not even here NOW!

Of course, I know SOME of you didn't take the Bloment of Silence like you were supposed to, and now think you're SO smart.  I know the type.  You were the kind of kids who always screwed up a perfectly good snipe hunt too.  

Well guess what snipe hunt party poopers?  

I'm long gone ANYway!

And YOU didn't get your NAP in!  

So who's cryin' NOW!?

Ha, ha!  I'm a genius.  I gotta remember this one.  


Blogging is SO easy.  Well, it is the way I do it, anyhow.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

VIRGINS AND ME

Matthew 21:1-13 tells the story of the 10 Virgins who were waiting for the arrival of the Bridegroom.

Let me just say right off the bat, that when Gidget and I were married, Gidget was the only virgin I knew was at the wedding  at the time.  I had no idea you were supposed to have 10 hangin' around to choose from.  And Gidget never said anything about it, now that I mention it.  Weird.  Anyhow...

In that story we learn that of the 10 Virgins,  5 were wise, and 5 were dumber than a brick.

The 5 Wise Virgins came prepared with lamps and oil.  But the 5 Foolish Virgins messed around and slept, curled each other's hair, told ghost stories, had tickle fights and whatever else it is that Foolish Virgins do right before a wedding, and as a result, had NO oil for their lamps. 

When the word came that the Bridegroom was on his way, the Foolish Virgins freaked out and then ran off to try and buy some oil for their lamps real quick before the Bridegroom showed up.  

But of COURSE, while they were gone, who shows up but the Bridegroom who is thrilled to see the smart, well-prepared Virgins, and takes them into the palace or whatever, and introduces them to HIS Gidget (who I just can't see would be that thrilled with the idea no matter how smart and wise they were).

When the dumb-dumb virgins show up, they're late, tired, sweaty, holdin' cheap, over-priced oil, the Bridegroom of COURSE pretends like he doesn't even know who they are!   If I had a penny for every time this happened to ME.

Bottom line: The Foolish Virgins fooled around and were late gettin' to the party.

Which is not unlike what happened to ME today.  I TOO fooled around and was LATE getting to THIS  dang BLOG party.  Usually I have this thing posted by 7 in the morning or so.  It's almost 5:00 pm now.  I'm hungry.  I need a shower.

But does that make me a Foolish Virgin?

You'll have to ask Gidget, who I'm sure would be happy to chime in.  


OK, she just said I AM a Foolish Virgin. Which sounds weird when SHE says it.  Thanks for that, honey.

OK so I AM a Foolish Virgin!  So what?!  

At least I'm IN the Bible!  


What an example I am.

I amaze me.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

3 HOLE (Roof) PUNCH

Mark 2:4 says this - 

They couldn't bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, 

so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. 

Then they lowered the man on his mat, 

right down in front of Jesus.

Who says Christians aren't good roofers? 

Answer: No one.  

But if they ever do - you can show them Mark 2:4. That oughtta shut 'em up.  This is some SERIOUS roofing.  

Not only did these guys punch a hole through the roof - but they also let the man they were carryin' around down on a mat right in front of Jesus!  In other words, rope skills were also involved.  Christians make great cowboys.  And circus workers.

So what have we learned from this passage?  Three things:

1.) Sky lights are not only handy, they're scriptural.

2.) Never wait in line when you can punch a hole through a roof.  And #3...

3.) If Jesus ever wants to preach at your house and you just put a new roof on, move everybody to the (roofless) patio first.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

EPS SDP TESTING, TESTING 1-2-3

This is a test of the Emergency Preaching System. This is ONLY a test.  

Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeach!

Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Baptiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiize!

Puuuullllpiiiiiiiiiit!

We have a just couple of announcements before we get started...

Turn in your Bibles if you would to...

A story is told of a little dog named Dippity Doo Doo...

In Closing...

Thus concludes our test of the Emergency Preaching System.  

Had this been an ACTUAL preaching emergency you would have been instructed as what to do to be saved as well as what to bring to the Pot Luck. 

Remember: Preaching is not for just anybody.  A pulpit in the wrong hands can be dangerous to you as well as to those around you.  

Before you preach, eat a peach.

Never attempt to preach unless there is someone else in the room listening to you.  If you are preaching only to yourself - take the hint and start selling insurance instead.

Before submitting anybody to a sermon make sure you have REALLY heard "the call" from ON HIGH, and not a radio that's been left on in the next room.  

If your preacher is preaching from a Dr. Suess book instead of a Bible contact this blog immediately.

If you or someone you love is in need of emergency preaching contact this blog immediately and ask for Bible-based, pretty good preaching in a hurry.  

PS - I'm the only Preacher I know of who has a flashing preaching light on my car.  I also make a pretty good siren noise by holdin' my nose and rollin' my tongue.  What can I say?  I'm good. 

As together we stand and sing.


BP