Bible Flip Scrip #1

It dawned on me the other day that over the course of this exciting, world changing blog,  I have preached my typing fingers to the bone, but have used very little actual Bible scriptures in the process.

This could have been a fatal move.  Preachers call this, "Not cool."  I'm so lucky I shower on a daily basis - because a lot of things dawn on me while I shower, and the lack of scripture in a Preaching blog just so happens to be the latest dawning.

Let's face it, a Preacher not using Bible scriptures to preach with, is like a Lion Tamer not using Bible scriptures to train lions with.

Somethin' like that.  You get it.  Anyhow...

I want to rectify this as quickly as I can, so today I wanna introduce a new recurring element to this blog called:  

Bible Flip Scrip(ture)TM.

This is how it works.  I will simply grab my Bible, flip through it really fast, then stick my finger in there and see what scripture it lands on.  I will then Bleach (or Blog-Preach) on whatever that scripture happens to be.

EDITOR's NOTE: I used to call this technique "The Flippin' Finger" but then I realized that there was no reference to "Bible" or "Scripture" anywhere in that title, which is kinda the whole point.  Plus that, my wife Gidget thought "Flipin' Finger" sounded dirty.  I won't comment on that.  Suffice to say, Gidget thinks EVERYthing that alliterates sounds dirty.

Anyhow, here goes...

I'm flipping...and now...

I'm sticking my finger on....

Genesis 15: 9!!!

I LOVE this verse.  It reads:

The Lord answered,

"Bring me a heifer three years old, 

a she-goat, three years old, 

a ram three years old, 

a turtle dove 

and a young pigeon."

Now, what lessons can we glean from this very important verse?

1.) The Lord is koo-koo crazy about farm animals and birds.

2.) While the Lord is picky about the AGE of his farm animals, he couldn't care less about the age of the birds, as long as the pigeon is "young".  The Turtle Dove apparently can be as old as Methuselah and still get called up for service.  Oh, to be a turtle dove! Whatever that is.

By the way, what in the world is a "Snapping Turtle Dove"?  How old do THEY get?  And how on EARTH do they FLY with that shell on their back?  We may never know.  Snapping Turtles Doves are a mystery to science and the Bible.  And to me.

So anyhow, that's about all I can squeeze out of this verse.  Kinda makes you wish you were an farm animal or a bird, doesn't it?  Unless of course, the Lord is having them "brought to him" for some kind of a sacrifice or bar-b-que.  In THAT case, I'd rather be a fish.

So which is it?  Service, or Supper?

We just don't know.  In order to know we'd have to, what is called in Preaching circles, "read the other verses around this verse".

Unfortunately that's not how "Bible Flip Scrip" works.  With Bible Flip Scrip you get what you get, and just go on with life and quit cryin' about it.  So get out of here. 

Powerful words.

Powerful Flip Scrip.

Powerful BlermonTM (or blog-sermon)

As together we stand and sing.

BP

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Big Blog, Big Head

Good morning, Blurch!

You know I get the feeling sometimes that many of you think I do not read the hundreds and hundreds of comments and emails and Facebook responses I receive everyday regarding this  blog.  The truth is, not only do I read them but many of my favorite comments I have already begun to crochet onto a big, round pillow.

It's true, it IS a daily burden to sift through all of the praise and fanfare coming in on such a huge scale.  Of course there is the danger it could all start to go to my head.  I'm only human.  I can get the "Big Head" as easy as anybody else.  If given too much praise, I begin to foresee my future as a beloved, handsome, possibly Korean leader of a huge, semi-global, semi-blurch.  What Bleacher with my supreme talent wouldn't?

As you know,  I have a pretty big head already.  I mean my actual head is fairly sizable.  So I've got to be careful.

The good news is, while it takes  a lot of time to read the good comments,  the bad comments I can sail right through in practically no time at all.  I have a natural filter for comments that have the potential for hurting my feelings or are secretly asking for money.

But the main reason I read every one of the thousands and thousands of your comments and emails each day is so that I can potentially steal ideas for my next blog entry.  Let's face it, the stress of maintaining a semi-daily blog is at times semi-overwhelming.  SOMETIMES you need help. 

So today I want to introduce a guest Bleacher, RC, who's amazing comment from yesterday in my opinion, deserves it's own posting.  And so please welcome, RC (not the cola), who yesterday said this:

"Notice the soaring number of followers! 3 (that trinitarian favorite) times 7 (that perfect number and the day God rested) equals 21 the total number of followers. Try some addition: 2+1 and get 3 (back to trinity). Lets try division: divide 21 by 21 and you get: 1 (perfect unity in all this diversity). Lets try subtraction: 2-1=1 (unity again)! This is amazing stuff. 21 followers is surely a divine sign of things to come"

I have no idea what all this means.  Math and crafts - not my thing.  But I am always moved by things that confuse me, and this comment is no exception.  Thanks RC for those powerful, confusing, mathy words.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Usually On A Sunday

Let's face it, Sundays are a big day for any Preacher.  For example, today I have:

- Writing my sermon for this morning's service
- Fasting
- Breakfast
- More fasting
- Joy Bus talk
- Puppet Show rehearsal
- Prison Puppet Show rehearsal (Same as Puppet Show, but done in a cage)
- Sunday Morning Sermon (first time through, VERY rough, no baptisms usually)
- Sunday Morning Adult Class (wing it, ask lots of questions, cake)
- Puppet Show performance (better than 1st sermon)
- Fellowship Breakfast
- Sunday Morning Sermon, second service (better, I recognize it by now)
- Elders Brunch (where I get yelled at for whatever I did that morning, usually the 1st sermon.  Sue me!  It was the first time I'd even SEEN that sermon!)
- Fellowship Basket Dinner/Covered Dish/Jell-o Salad Extravaganza (I over-eat)
- Repent for over-eating, begin fast.
- Nap/counseling sessions.
- Write my Sunday Night Sermon while watching football.
- Prison Puppet Show performance (cage usually a big hit)
- Second Sermon (usually has several football illustrations)
- Sunday Night Fellowship Dinner (Sandwiches in the Prison Puppet Show cage, just 'cause it's fun to eat in there).
- Write Semi-Daily Blog

What I've accomplished so far today:
- Wrote Semi-Daily Blog.

I hate Sundays.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Sunrise, Sun-SERMON!

I woke up preaching this morning.


It happens on occasion.  Normally it's pretty harmless, so I don't usually sweat it.  Especially if I'm on the road, like I am now, I just wake up preaching then go on with my day.


Of course, if I'm at home and it happens, things can get a little more complicated.  For example, there HAVE been several times when I've woken up preaching and realized that in addition to giving an invitation and some announcements, I had also accidentally baptized my wife, Gidget, in my sleep.  As you can imagine, this usually makes for a pretty surly breakfast.  You see, Gidget has already been baptized.  And she doesn't appreciate an early morning surprise dunking by a "sleep preaching" husband.


Who would?


By the way, I LOVE you Gidget!  Where did you pack my electric nose trimmers?   Please just leave it's location in the comment section of this posting.  LOVE YOU!  XOOXO


There are no examples in the Bible of anyone waking up preaching, or even preaching in their sleep.  There IS the story of the guy sitting in a window, listening to the Apostle Paul drone on for way too long.  Apparently it wasn't one of Paul's "Top 10 Sermons" because Paul ended up boring the man to sleep, which resulted in the man falling three stories out the window and onto the street.  That'll teach him.


What is this story telling us?  Very simply...WAKE UP!  Or DIE!


I'm kidding, of course.  Although, it IS a Biblical concept so...maybe I'm NOT kiddin'.  Which is it?   Look, just stay awake and live.


Poor Paul - if he'd only known my secret for keeping people awake during a sermon.  I simply keep saying "In Closing..." about every 5 minutes.  So just about the time they're  ready to fade off into a wonderful dreamland, they force their eyes open again, in the hope that I'm wrapping things up, which of course, I NEVER am.


Preachers must be as innocent as doves, and a clever as television programmers.


Now I know what many of you are thinking: "Preacher, get to the point.  What is this Blog-a-sermon trying to say."


That's just it.  I don't KNOW what I'm Bleaching (blog-preaching) about this morning.  I have no idea.  Why?  Because at this very moment I am typing this blog...in my sleep!  I must have bored myself BACK to sleep while writing about sleeping just now.  Amazing.


Isn't that exciting?!  I wonder how many of YOU are asleep right now?


In closing...


HA!  Got ya!


I cant wait to wake up and see what I Bleached about today.  Hopefully it will be something I can steal from for my sermon for Sunday - so far I got NOTHIN' on that.


So anyhow...blah, blah, blah, blah.  The End.


What was that?  A turkey?  I think I'm dreaming that I'm preaching to a bunch of turkeys.  I can't understand what they're saying because that red turkey thing keeps blocking their mouths.  How will I take their confession?!   How will they sing the invitation?!  How do you baptize a turkey?


What a nightmare.  I hope I don't fall out a window.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

Clowns For Christ

The Apostle Paul once wrote, "For God has chosen the foolish of this world to confound the other Preachers..."

Somethin' like that.  That's how I remember it anyhow, especially when I'm takin' guff from other preachers.  Let's face it, there is NO one more foolish than me.  Drives 'em all nuts. I personally love it.  This is one verse I KNOW was made especially for me.  Anyhow...

It might have been to confound "the world," now that I think if it.  Or maybe the wise?  The uncounfound-a-bil-able?  The concubines?  I can't remember.  Oh, who cares?  I don't remember the exact quote, so shoot me, I'm not a concordance.  I'm traveling at the moment so my Bible as well as my Right Guard, and portable baptistry are all probably on their way to Omaha right now via Jacksonville.  Anyhow, the point is this...

What better time to confound those in your life than today?  April 1st is the day man has set aside for foolishness, that God uses to confound Old Sticks In The Mud (see Pharisees and Goliath).  They are unaware that they have walked right into His master plan once again!  Who's the foolish one now?

So beware to you, you Stiff-necked and Boring!  Woe to you, who don't get the joke!  Woe to the Snickerless, and the Overly-serious, and to the ones who shout,  "I don't get The Three Stooges, I prefer documentaries instead." 

How ridiculous.  Everybody knows documentaries can't hold a candle to Curly Joe.

Woe to you haters of Knock Knock Jokes, and riddles and puns!  Woe to you Shushers and Finger Snappers, Dry Joke Guys and all READERS OF HARD BOOKS WITHOUT PICTURES!   For behold, there is one coming that is even mightier than the Knock Knock Joke.  And his name is WHOOPI CUSHION. 

This is the day of the Whoopi Cushion, I will rejoice and be glad in it!

"Knock, knock! 
Who's there! 
Wait a minute,
What was that terrible noise?
Sounded just like a fa...?"

So arise, Blurch, arise!  This is YOUR day!  Put on the Clown Nose of Righteousness, and shod your feet with those Big Clown Shoes of Truth.  Then go to work and see what happens.  

I'm self-employed otherwise I'd do it with you.  But I'm pretty sure you won't get fired.  Anyhow...

Go confound a wise person today!  If they give you trouble, just smile, spray 'em with seltzer and know that you're pretty sure it's in the Bible.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLOL burp.

BP

EDITORS NOTE: IT is possible that NONE of this is actually in the Bible.  My Bible is still lost as well as my Strong's Concordance, so I'm really kinda wingin' this one kids. BTW,  I hope they have breakfast in this hotel, I'm starving.  BP cannot not be held responsible if you lose your job or wife...you're the one who went to work in a clown suit.  I'm mean, come on, be serious!  In a FOOLISH way, of course.  Oh never mind!

Buckle Your Bible Belt

I have to admit, I was not prepared for the exciting, miraculous news that greeted me this morning as as logged on to tap out yet another scripture-packed, wisdom-rich, award-winning blog-a-serm.  But whether I was prepared or not,  it was news that certainly caught my attention, and sent  me reeling back into my chair so hard I nearly flung myself into the baptistry.

What was this world-shaking news?  Simply this...the 9 followers this blog enjoyed just yesterday, has somehow miraculously, over night, EXPLODED into a mammoth sum of 17 today!

Can you believe that?  Are you hearing what I'm saying?!  Are you familiar with the number 17!? 

This is huge. 

And if I spell it out , it looks ever bigger.  Seven-teen!   See?

Put it in all caps and it's even MORE impressive:  SEVEN-TEEN!

Bold it and look how big it gets: SEVEN-TEEN!

And look at it now: S-E-V-E-N-T-E-E-N!!!!


Frankly, I...am...astonished by all this news. Gob-smacked, really.  Speechless.  Well, I can always find SOMEthing to say, but you know what I mean.

I am also very grateful.

But...I am also cautiously wary.

You see, I've been preaching for a long time now, and  blog preaching (or Bleaching) for almost 2 weeks, and I know that as wonderful as it is, this kind of unexplained growth CAN lead to disaster.  Especially for me. 

As a frequent visitor to The Semi-Daily Preacher, a person by the name of "Anonymous," wrote just this morning:

"What is this phenomenal growth? 

9 yesterday and 17 today. 

This is a revival as we march toward 25 

(the top number of a BP church before a split), 

that magic number (12+12+1: notice the trinitarian pattern?) 

Could 25 trigger the rapture? 

Who knows?

Buckle your bible belt, follow, and find out.  

Rcorley"

Note the crazy talk embedded in this comment:  "Revival...church split...magic number...rapture...march...trigger..."

What is Anonymous saying?  Does HE even know?

And even more disturbing, note at the end of this comment, when Anonymous signs the comment "Rcorely".  Who the heck signs an anonymous comment?

Well which is it?  Anonymous?  Or Rcorely?  Is it both?  Is there yet ANOTHER name Anonymous would like to bring into the mix?  What's going on here?

Very simply, this kind of early morning typing madness is a result of what is called, Unexpected Accelerated Growth or UAG.  And "Anonymous Rcorely" is clearly suffering the consequences. But, he is not alone.

Another commenter from yesterday wrote simply: 

"I love mustard."

Well now, what the HECK is THAT supposed to mean?   Who knows?  

What we DO know is that this commenter apparently...loves mustard.  But what about ketchup?  Relish anyone?  Are pickles not worth a mention? 

What's happening?  We may never know.  What we DO know is that UAG appears to have claimed another victim.

Clearly, these are just two examples of what happens when growth occurs too quickly in the blog-a-church or "Blurch"  as I've come to call it...just now.  When a Blurch grows too quickly, people can lose their minds, as well as control over their typing fingers.  Before they know it, they're signing comments  with 4 or 5 different names, or blabbing recklessly about various condiments.  

Others simply stand idly by and watch.  Unable to help.  Unable to figure out what to say.  Unable to figure out how to use the technology necessary to even leave a dang comment.   Tragic.  

Thank you UAG...thank you...for NOTHING.

Needless to say, this is a critical time for "The Semi-daily Preacher."  It appears UAG is going to be the cross we must bear at least for now.  If we keep at the pace we're going now, we could easily hit 4 million Followers by  next Tuesday.  Strap in, everybody.  Bumpy road ahead.

So we have to be ready.  We have to be there for each other. 

We must, as "Anonymous Rcorely" has said, 

"Buckle Your Bible Belts!"

And...

"Love mustard."

Fabulous.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Take Up Thy Blog And Follow Me

Well, it is truly an amazing day here at The Semi-Daily Preacher.  Let the rejoicing begin in earnest!  You say, "What the heck are you talkin' about, Preacher?"

Very simply this.

If you will  take a moment right now and take a glance down at the "FOLLOWERS" section of this blog (located somewhere on here, I'm not sure where, I move it all the time.  I get bored easy.), if you look there at that FOLLOWERS section, I think you will see something truly remarkable.

As of today, 3/30/11, the number of people following this blog has SKYROCKETED from just NINE followers  to just OVER NINE FOLLOWERS!

Or in other words...TEN!

Can you BELIEVE that?  We have TEN followers in about TWELVE days of blogging.  That's about 3/4 of a person every day!  This is amazing.  Clearly, The Semi-Daily Preacher is already positioning itself to become the premiere place on the web for semi-daily preaching.

Beware Mr. Joel Olsteen.  I've got you in my sites.

What is also wonderful about this news is that we are just TWO followers away from the magic number of TWELVE followers, which is the number of followers the Lord went for when he was first scrapin' up his first bunch of fishermen and rednecks.  He started with just TWELVE and look what happened.  WE already have NINE...can you imagine what could happen to US?  It's hard to I know.  Web businesses are kinda iffy.

Now it's true, right now my wife Gidget, is technically one of my followers.  So really we're still at just NINE followers.   I know it's kind of a loser move to make your wife say she's a follower of your blog.  It looks bad.  But look, I was desperate!  Shoot me.  I don't see any of YOU critics out there blogging on a semi-daily basis!  It's no picnic, take it from me.

And truth be told, it's sort of a joke to call Gidget a "follower" of mine anyhow, because Gidget has NEVER done anything I've EVER told her to do in 20 years of bein' married.   I see no reason why she'd start now, blog or no. blog.  Between you and me, she can be VERY bossy if you wanna know the truth.  Which is a terrible quality for a follower.

Her non-follower-bossiness is the main reason I have to write this blog in the bathroom most mornings.  Something about the "tippy tapping" keeping her awake.  Personally,  I think the "tippy tapping" wouldn't bother her so much if she'd wake up before 11:30. Anyhow...

Once we are able to secure those extra two or three followers and get to the magic number of TWELVE, I will immediately move Gidget from a "Follower" into the "Mary Magdalene" position.  I'll need SOMEbody to wash my feet with their tears and wipe them with their hair, and I can think of no one better to do that than her.

Of course, I have not  yet broached that  "touchy" subject with her, and I am confident that it WILL  get pretty nasty when I do.  But that's my problem.  You guys just focus on reading the blog and following me.  Let me worry about Mary Magdalene.

Once we have those first TWELVE followers, I believe there is nothing holding this blog back from getting THIRTEEN followers.  Or possibly even...FIFTEEN followers.  

And once THAT is accomplished, I think I can  confidently say that it wont be long before we start hearing  from a little company called Microsoft or Apple or maybe even from the good folks at Good N Plenty, all looking for their piece of the Semi-Daily Preaching Pie.  Which I think should be pecan, but we can talk about that later.

In closing...

You know, growing a following for a blog is as much of a struggle as growing a following for a church.  And struggling at growing a church is something I know a little bit about.

Actually, I know even MORE about NOT growing a church.  I've never had a chuurch bigger than 25 people, and even THAT's fudgin' the numbers some.  What are we saying?  Simply this...

It takes a village to raise a child, but if you can get even HALF of that  village as well as that same little  child to become Followers of this blog, you can probably sell stuff to 'em eventually.

So ask yourself this question:

 "What have I done today to make "The Semi-Daily Preacher" a better blog?"

"What 210 people can I tell today about The Semi-Daily Preacher?"

"What's in it for me?"

Short answer to that last question: "nothing".   There's nothing in it for you.  Well, maybe a t-shirt or a paper weight of some kind someday.  

But a paper weight is a small reward in comparison to the unadulterated SATIFACTION you will recieve from spamming your entire address book with this blog site.  And that's just ONE idea!

It's that SATISFACTION in knowing you have done all you can to tell the world about The Semi-daily Preacher, and having done that to ...blah blah blah blah...whatever.  You get it.

As together we stand and sing...

BP