The Mailbag: Why Unicorns Are Not Goats and Other Answers

Well BlurchTM, today marks our 31st consecutive post!  Who knew I could type so many words all in a row like that? 

Today we have 26 followers, over 4,000 page views, literally tens of tens of readers from around the world.  I am, as the Greeks would say,  "aston-e-mon-e-my" - ASTONISHED!


Naturally, I have to thank YOU, the readers of this blog.  The commenters.  Gidget.  A blog with out all of you is just me typing...alone...in my bed...then reading it back to myself.  

But WITH you...well it's pretty much the same thing I guess...I'm STILL typing in my bed...oh, never mind.

Over the course of this first official month, I have not been the ONLY one dispensing wonderful nuggets of knowledge.  So today, I wanna share with you what some of our renegade band of commenters have been saying in this award-winning, semi-global blog.

For example, when I was talking about manna, Deacon Giff had this delicious suggestion:

Try the manna with some cheese whiz. Amazing!

Now that's a new one on me.  Of course, I've had cheese whiz on MATZOS for years, even served it at parties - people love it.  One time I squirted some on matzos DURING communion - of course, I was later fired for it.  But it tasted GREAT!  

You've never seen so many people want communion than the day you squirt cheese whiz on matzos and put a little seltzer in the grape juice.  Anyhow, manna...here I come.


RC had these watchful words for all preachers:

I do love the story about Baalam's talking ass (and it is so fun to say that during a Ladies Bible class and watch them get flustered just before they draw out their concealed carried weapons).

I MOST respect RC for having the conviction to use the Biblical name for Balaam's steed in a LBC, instead of a watered down, PC version.  Such courage.  I've been disfellowshipped for less.

 

LarryN had these important words we should ALL hear...

BP, those of us members of your blongregationTM  have noticed something strange about you.  No, seriously, I'm wondering why you haven't bleached about giving yet?  Why not set up a Paypal link for members of your blog to share in your blinistry?

This is such a fantastic comment for so many reasons.  For one, I love the whole "paypal/make money/get some dough in here" idea.  Who wouldn't?  

 

And secondly..."blinistryTM" and "blongregationTM" are just too dang fun to say. 

 

Dawn had this message...

Never had that problem in church or blurchTM...

my pastor was a total nutjob 

and was usually "right on the mark" with his messages.

I couldn't agree more.  Which reminds me, where have all the "nutjob" preachers gone?  Some say to the blogosphere.  

 

Scott said this when talking about pews:

"Thanks for the business tip! I've already got a call in to La-Z-Boy to pitch the idea for a La-Z-Pew! "

 

I'm first in line.

Odessa had a troubling comment...

"guffaw, guffaw; gesundheit my child, gesundheit!"

I'm not sure what all those words mean.  No doubt Odessa is one of our readers from Germany.  I hope she's alright.  "Guffaw" looks like it hurts.


As many of you know, I was in a rather heated debate a couple of days ago with one of my mouthier commenters, aesaint, over the nature of goats and rhinos in the Bible.   

After thwarting her many times with my superior Biblical knowledge and debating skills, she left one final snide remark asserting that the "floating goat of Isaiah" was actually a unicorn.  She writes...

Wait, it FLOATS, it has a horn between it's eyes AND 

everyone knows that goats love corn SO THEREFORE 

it's a UNICORN!!! Obviously........  

This chick just wears me out.  Clearly she's never read Psalms 29:6 - 

He maketh them also to skip like a calf; 

Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.

I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it mentions unicorns and I'm hoping it confuses aesaint long enough for me to make my escape.

Finally, Mukara said this...

you are the funniest guy in the universe. 

thank you for making me laugh til i p....in my pants.

Like I've always said, "If this blog can make just ONE person pee in their pants..."

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

Gidget - 1, Preacher - 0

I punched Gidget in the eye last night.

I didn't mean to.  I love Gidget.  She's a wonderful, intelligent, funny, woman who apparently can take a pretty good punch.  As wives go, she's pretty stout.  And I mean that in the best sense.  She's like a Weeble.  She can wobble but she won't pass out!


Lucky for me she did not retaliate.  Well, she tried to, but I'm pretty fast.


It happened while we were in bed sleeping.  I was in the middle of having my nightly nightmare where I find myself surrounded by a bunch of demanding Elders, creepy Worship Leaders and this mouthy, little punk Youth Minister from Colorado, all buggin' me about how my sermon series on Balaam's Talkin' Donkey is scaring the kids.


Between you and me, it's a GREAT series and if it scares the kids I really couldn't care less.  Talkin' Donkeys are cool, and kids bug me.


Anyhow, in the dream things get pretty heated, and eventually  we all start swingin' at each other.  Then I throw some communion cups at them, which really makes 'em mad. So they grab me and start tryin' to drown me in the baptistery.  That's usually about the time I wake up in a cold sweat, covered in grape juice.


But last night, instead of throwing the communion cups, I did this cool, kinda Kung Fu back-handed slap move thingy, right at that mouthy, little, punk Youth Minister's face.  And SMACK!  Got him RIGHT in the head!


Which unfortunately, was connected to Gidget's eye.


It is what we in the boxing world refer to as "a real shiner", "a meat maker", "ugly".  She looks like a very dainty version of the last scene of "ROCKY" where he's all bloody and sweatin' and slobberin', yellin'  "Adrian!"  Only Gidget's yelling at me and cryin' using words I didn't know she knew.


You say "Preacher, where is all this goin'?"


Very simply.  Proverbs 21:9 says,

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, 

than with a brawling woman in a wide house."

And Proverbs 21:19,

"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, 

than with a contentious and an angry woman."

I have never written a blog from a rooftop in the wilderness before, but it's not as bad as you think.  What I did NOT know was that I had an extension cord that would reach this far.  So I got THAT goin' for me.

Note to self: next time bring granola.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Bible Flip Scrip #2

Well, it's time once again for another edition of Bible Flip Scrip(ture)TM, where I just flip the pages on my Bible then stick my finger randomly into a section, then preach on whatever scripture my finger lands on.  

I LOVE Bible Flip Scrip. Saves time figuring out what to BleachTM on.  And if I draw little pictures on the edges of the pages WHILE I'm flippin', it makes a little cartoon - which I love.  Anyhow, here we go.  

So I'll just flip the pages on my Bible here.  

I'm flipping...and finger...and...BOOM!  Fantastic.

Today's Bible Flip ScripTM comes to us from Psalms 104:18 where we read:
 

"The high hills are a refuge for the wild goats; 

and the rocks for the conies."

What in the world?  

Well, here is yet another example of "Bible Verses Joel Olsteen Will Never Touch".   

Lemme tell ya, preachin's not for wimps.  It takes a REAL Preacher to do "Bible Flip Scrip" on a wacky verse like this.  Doesn't scare me though.  I'll preach on anything.  One time, I preached on Splenda.  Anyhow... 

You say, "Preacher, what in the WORLD is a CONY?"

You're not gonna believe this, but that was EXACTLY what I was thinkin' just NOW. 

There's not a LOT we know about the Cony of the Bible.  What we DO know is that there was usually more than one of 'em, and they liked to hide in rocks, usually near a goat.  

Eventually the Cony left Israel and settled near what is now New York City, on the Island of Cony.  There they established a wonderful amusement park and a delicious snack known today as the Cony Dog.  

Sadly, the Cony Cat is lost to history.  Probably didn't make the boat ride over.  Cats hate water, as you know.  And aren't too crazy about roller coasters either.  

On the other hand, I think we're all pretty clear on what a GOAT is.  And the fact that in this verse they're hidin' up in the hills makes sense considering the fact that absolutley EVERY other verse you read in the Bible about goats, has them gettin' killed or slaughtered for some dang sacrifice!  

I'm serious!  I DEFY you to find a HAPPY goat verse!

Poor little goat.  Bet he wishes he was a Cony.  

I know I do.  I LOVE roller coasters.  And hot dogs. 

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Thought Of The Day #2

"I wonder if manna tastes anything like oatmeal?"

I hope so.  I love oatmeal.

I would've made a good Israelite.  

'Cause I'd never complain about the manna.  

As long as it tasted like oatmeal.  

I'd just wander around the desert 

and eat my oatmeal 

and keep my mouth shut.

Of course, if it tasted like calamari I'd be in trouble.

Moses woulda had his hands full with me then. 

I HATE calamari.  

Let's just say this: 

if manna tasted like calamari 

I'd be one complaining, 

lost in the desert Israelite.  

So thank goodness manna tastes like oatmeal.  

At least I hope it does.

I think I'll have some oatmeal for breakfast.

Unless we have still have some manna leftover.

Quail?  No thanks.  Too bony.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

MY WIFE'S A THIEF!

In I Thessalonians 5:2 the Apostle Paul writes,

"For yourselves know perfectly 

that the day of the Lord so cometh 

as a thief in the night." 

 

In this verse, Paul reminds us that the Lord will come again "like a thief in the night", implying that we therefore need to be ready at all times for his return.

 

This is also true of wives.  Who've been away on trips to see their families.  And are coming home sometime today. 

Specifically, this is true of MY wife, Gidget.  Who is flying home today after a week at her father's house.  

 

Oh, what a wonderful time this would be for me to be organized!  Imagine, if I was organized right now, I could go to wherever her flight information is, read it,  and then go pick her up.  Easy.

 

Sadly, I am NOT organized - so I am doomed.

 

You say, "Preacher, just call her on the phone and ask her when she's coming in."

 

Listen, if I call and ask Gidget her flight information again she will immediately begin to yell and cry and accuse me of never loving her.  It's a whole mess I'd rather avoid, thanks just the same.  I hate it when Gidget cries.  She starts to hiccup snot.  It's not a good time for either of us.

 

The only option left to me now is to get up and go sit at the airport all day today till she shows up.  I'll need lots quarters for the vending machines.  

 

The problem is, as many of you know, I have been in a Nyquil stupor the last 2 days and have awakened to find not only is my head still filled with liquid gunk, but our house has been completely destroyed by the Nyquil elves.  It is a TRAIN WRECK in here.

 

This will not fly with Gidget.  When she left, the house looked like we were trying to sell it.  Pristine, beautiful.  Now, it looks like a replica of  the final scene of "Animal House" or maybe "Gone With The Wind."  

 

I don't know what happened.  Well, I KNOW what happened.  Me on NYQUIL happened.  

 

There are used Puffs stacked up in every corner, soup cans on the dresser, clothes and socks on the steps and in the vaporizer.  I've got honey covered Uno cards in the refrigerator.  

 

I found an entire game of RISK going on under the covers of my bed. 

 

I shaved I think last Thursday, so I look like Og the Caveman.  Smell like him too.   Gidget will love that.  I am a picture of true Cassanova-nis.  The dry cough is cute too.

Nyquil is nasty stuff!  Stay in School!  I feel terrible.  Who are you?  Who am I?  Huh?

 

I've gotta get cleaned up, get this house cleaned and get to the airport in about an hour and try to save my marriage.  I'd be there by now but I had to write this blog.  

 

Such dedication!  Such professionalism.

 

I'm an idiot.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

The Plague and Puffs

Whenever I can, I like to  find a verse in the Bible that pertains to whatever it is I'm going through at any particular point in time.  Obviously, there are times in life when this can be a bit of a challenge.  

For example, I've never found a verse that talks about eating Lucky Charms,  or loving to watch cartoons; two BIGGIES for me.  

On the other hand, I've never killed a giant or set a nation free from bondage in Egypt; though if I ever do, at least I'll know where to find it in the Bible.

So it can be tough.

Which is why you can imagine my delight when this morning I stumbled upon  this verse from Psalm 73 which perfectly describes what I've been going through the last few days:

"For all the day long have I been plagued, 

and chastened every morning."

How exciting.  

 

Who knew that I would find a verse in the Bible that perfectly described my day yesterday as well as my morning today!?  

 

For yesterday, I WAS indeed "plagued all day long", as I spent literally hours sneezing, and snorting, and coughing up who knows what all, while my head was spinning, and my ears were ringing, as my Nyquil-addled mind took to me to realms only experienced by Alice of Wonderland fame.  

 

I think I was actually talking to a rabbit out in my yard at one point - hope I remembered my PJs.  I tell ya, Nyquil can do a number on ya if you take it during the day.

 

Then this morning I woke up feeling...even WORSE.  Or as they would say in Biblical times, "chastised".  Oh, what an honor to be chastened like David only with fever and congestion and eye gunk!  

 

What would normally make me feel sorry for myself and ask for prayers has only made me feel like a real live Bible character...who happens to be dying from a cold and too much Nyquil. 

 

Thank goodness I didn't read Job.  This little cold could've really gotten out of hand. 

 

Pass the Puffs.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Church Service Survival #1

I'm not one of those preachers who doesn't understand the challenges of sitting in a pew.  

Pews can be tough to deal with.  Too hard, too soft, no reclining mechanism.  There's a reason why people don't put pews in their living room in front of the TV.

Depending on the pew, just getting through church can be a real challenge.  And depending on the Preacher you're listening to while sitting in that pew, the whole experience can border on abuse.  

Throw in some of those new-fangled church tunes where they sing "glory and praise, praise and honor and glory" 52 times in a row, and you are looking at the possibility and losing your mind entirely.  I think you might even have enough for a lawsuit.  I'm not sure who'd you sue, but I get on it if I were you.  You're NUTS!  Anyhow...

This is why it is so important to have survival techniques to get you through those particularly tough services.  For me, a "tough service" is any service in which I am not the one doing the preaching.  When I'm not the one preaching, I  get really bored and confused.  Sometimes that happens WHEN I'm preaching too but, not nearly as often.

So when I find myself having to endure a sermon where I know the guy is clearly making it up as he goes, or a song service that has a bass line impossible to find, I simply return to the mantra I have said to myself since the 90's.   It is an original poem I wrote  that has seen me through some tough, mind-numbing, intellectually draining services. It goes like this:

 
A song, a prayer
Some underwear
A sermon leaves you vexed
The only way to get through church
Text and text and text.

Brother Preacher

1998

Powerful words.

Powerful poem.

Funny underwear line.

I hope this helps you today as you try to get through someone else's sermon. Thank goodness I'm preaching today.

And together we stand and sing.

BP