I've just received some rather... ASTONISHING news.
I'm not sure what to say.
I am embarrassed and ashamed and a little nauseous. Though I don't think they're related. I'm nauseous 'cause I had coffee and pizza for breakfast. Anyhow...
It has recently come to my attention that apparently, this coming Saturday, May 21st, 2011, is officially...
THE END OF THE WORLD!
I had no idea.
I realize that as a Preacher I shoulda been more ON this. I really dropped the ball this time. It has caught me TOTALLY by surprise.
I can only hope that this Blongregation (blog-congregation) can one day forgive me for such a terrible oversight. And if you could do it before next Saturday, I'd really appreciate it. I'll need all the help I can get.
It was always MY understanding that the Lord was coming back "as a thief in the night" and "no man knoweth the hour" and all that stuff. But I guess, he must've tripped a laser beam alarm or something - because somehow, the word is out, and EVERYBODY KNOWS! Except ME, of course.
What's weird is that while this is something I have talked about for years, and looked forward to for years, I have to admit - I have some mixed emotions about the whole thing now that it's actually happening.
Don't get me wrong, it is GREAT that the Lord is coming back. I can't wait to meet him and ask him all those questions I've been wanting to ask like:
Dinosaurs on the ark? Really? Could I see some video? And...
If there were only 4 people on the earth (Adam, Eve, Cain, Able) where the heck did Cain's WIFE come from? And...
Is manna ANYthing like peanut butter?
It'll be fun.
And all those gold streets and pearly gates will be great to see too. Though I have to admit, gold streets have always hit me as a little over the top. I would think there would be a TERRIBLE glare comin' off of there. But then again, what do I know about roads? I'll just bring my Ray-Bans.
While I am excited about Saturday,I have to admit that I wouldn't be DEVASTATED if he decided to hold off on it just a LITTLE bit longer. After all, there were SOME things I was still wanting to get done before I go.
For example, I was scheduled to start an amazing new sermon series next Sunday on the topic: "Hezekiah: Weirdest Book Of The Bible." Just finished the Power Point for it. You'd be amazed at how many times I had to spell check Hezekiah. But with the Lord comin' back, all THAT work is down the drain. Fine.
I was also planning on beginning my Ashtanga Yoga Teacher Training next week. THERE'S $400 bucks and a sari I'll never see again.
And my dream of drumming in a traveling Polka Band? THAT's out.
And I can kiss my life-long obsession of meeting Kristy McNichol on a roller coaster at Knott's Berry Farm goodbye. Boy, THAT one hurts.
On the other hand - there are some GOOD things about the Lord's sudden return too.
For example, I still had 9 more pounds I wanted to lose by the time of my niece's wedding this June - and I'm sorry, but there is just NO way I'm gonna drop that kinda weight by this Saturday.
As a matter of fact, now that I know there WON'T be any wedding photos for me to look fat in, I'll probably just toss the whole diet out the window and try to GAIN 9 pounds by this Saturday instead.
Bring on the Reese's and the ice cream, the LORD is coming back!
And Rent-A-Junk can forget gettin' my rent money for the TV this month too. Why should I pay for a full month of TV watchin' when I'll be in Heaven that last week?
The one thing that DOES bug me a little bit is what the heck we're gonna be doing up there for all eternity. I mean look, I love singin' church songs as well as the next guy, but I think after 10 trillion years of "How Great Thou Art" I MIGHT be wanting to hit up some video games or somethin', if you know what I mean.
In the meantime, you'd better quit foolin' around and get to church. And for cryin out loud, pick the RIGHT one this time!
You're on your own. Every man for himself.
As together we stand and sing.
COUNTDOWN TO FINAL DESTRUCTION :
P.S. - I love puppies.