I am often asked for insights into the secret life of Preachers.
I have to admit, it is a fascinating study. Preachers are among the world's most interesting people, second only to Zoo Keepers and Guys Who Break Dance Past Age 40. They are more interesting than movie stars and girl jazz singers by somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 light years.
So today we will explore the moves Preachers use while in the pulpit in order to excite and bewilder and eventually baptize an audience. First up: "The Bible Flop".
|The Bible Flop|
It's also a good way to lose your sermon notes that you stuck into your Bible right before you mounted the pulpit. If you're preaching outside and you try this move, you're dead.
Because of this problem, some guys go for a variation of the Bible Flop called "The Flat Flop".
|The Flat Flop|
|The Mickey Mouse|
Here's a combination move called "The Flop-N-Finger". On this move the standard Bible Flop is combined with the "Pharisee Finger" for what amounts to a very mouthy move. By the way, who knew Captain Kangaroo was also a preacher?
Next, is one of my personal favorites...
..."The Elvis". It's also known as the "Samson Pillar Move" and simply "The Tah Dah!" It's the perfect move after you just been smitten by an unexpected spiritual truth upside the head.
|The Big Mardi|
This guy has NEVER worn beads, but he does make good use of the one and only "Air Chopper" move. It's sensible, direct, and not too flashy. Good for studying the book of Romans.
Well, leave it to Swaggart to destroy with this perfectly executed "Five Finger Hippo Muzzler." The Muzzler has multiple uses. It can make 5 points, screw in a huge light bulb, AND actually muzzle a hippo in the wild. This one's not for the Newbie Preacher.
|The Never Do|
I really can't stand this guy. What kind of a ridiculous move is this for a Preacher to make? He ought to be ashamed of himself! Don't get me started. OK, that's it. I've said enough. Bottom line: don't EVER do this move unless you're looking to get fired or slapped by a Ladies Bible Class.
"The Claw" is dangerous. Looks too much like you're asking for money or auditioning for American Idol. Rookie mistake. Avoid.
|The Pharisee Finger|
Here's one called, "The Pharisee Finger sans Bible but WITH Holy Hankie". For this one you'll need to memorize your sermon, and hope you sweat.
"The Italian" is rarely used today. You can't really make any points on the fingers, you can't accuse anybody of anything like with the Pharisee Finger, and it looks like you're eating something WHILE preaching. NOTE: never remind a church that they could be eating instead of listening to you.
I can't tell you about this one. I know all about it, but I CAN'T tell you about it. It's dangerous and classified. Suffice to say, it should be only be used in desperate situations (e.g. a Jello-salad Jamboree), and only with the right equipment including: a medallion, Bozo hair and a purple, 3-piece suit.
Oh, for cryin' out loud. Really? Are you serious?
As together we stand and sing.