I love BIG WORDS.
It’s just one of my many IDIOSYNCRASIES. They just look so impressive on the page. I don’t mean LARGE words - anybody can be a font freak. I mean BIG, long, scary-lookin’ words. I guess you could say I’m zestfully enthusiastic or EBULLIENT about BIG WORDS.
As many of you know, I don’t usually use BIG WORDS. I’m PARSIMONIOUS about using them. I’d hate to seem all braggy and GASCONADING about my big word usage in front of people. So naturally, I try to show some EQUANIMITY about the whole thing.
Besides, letters tend to hop around on me a little bit when I read ‘em - a CAT can easily end up being a TAC with me if I’m not careful. And as a public figure, there is nothing worse than MISPRONOUNCINATING a huge word in front of people.
Of course, misusing a BIG WORD can also get you in trouble. After I lived in Los Angeles I went around claiming to be CALLIPYGIAN -which for the record, does NOT mean “used to live in California” but it could make you more popular on the beach.
Sometimes BIG WORDS can make not so nice things a little more pleasant. For example, I’d much rather have a touch of HIRCISMUS than offensive armpit odor. Who wouldn’t? I’d rather be CORPULENT than really fat any day. And I would gladly be a PENULTIMATE Preacher than coming in second to last behind Joel Olsteen.
One of the greatest things about BIG WORDS is that you can really set somebody straight without the danger of getting clobbered by ‘em later. Big Bible words work great for this.
One time a guy cut me off in traffic so I called him a stiff-necked, uncircumcised, whitewashed sepulcher of dead men’s bones. He had NO IDEA what I was talkin’ about. Of course, I didn’t either - but it felt great sayin’ it and I think it scared him a little bit.
Of course if there ever comes a time for me call somebody a SCOLECOPHAGOUS, BATRACHOPHAGOUS, JUMENTOUS NINNYHAMMER I’ll be ready. But I haven’t met a LOT of worm eating, frog eating, morons who smell like horse urine yet. But when I do...look out.
Well, I think I’m gonna go do a SABRAGE in the kitchen now...if I can find a bottle and my trusty saber.
As together we stand and sing.
