Wednesday, December 28, 2011


 I’ve always been amused by the idea of people “church shopping.” Ask somebody, “So where do you go to church?”
They say, “We’re not anywhere right now.  Just kinda shopping around.”
Shopping around?  Really?  What a great concept.  Shopping is different that “searching” or “seeking” or “thirsting” for some truth that makes sense.  Shopping is...something else. 
Whenever somebody says they’re “shopping around for churches” I always imagine them suckin’ on a big fruit smoothie, walking through a huge mall filled with churches.  Each “mall church” has a wall-sized mall store window in the front with signs in them advertising their latest and greatest spiritual feature:
“Try Our Padded Pews!  Now With Massage Rollers!”
“Join Now, No Tithing Till 2014!”
“Cool Music, Easy Sermons, Great Food...Why Pray Anywhere Else?!”
They shop til they find something they like, something they’re comfortable with.  Others kinda mix and match: some music from this one, some teaching from that, maybe a little decorating from that one - those types NEVER really land anywhere, but are forever “shopping”.
Yes, shopping is different from searching or seeking or’s more casual, pickier, more consumer-friendly.  Shopping says, “What’dya got?  Make me laugh.  Entertain me.  If I like what I see, maybe we can make a deal.  If not, I'll move on till something strikes my fancy.”
But searching, seeking, thirsting...that’s... different.
As together we stand and sing.  

Monday, December 26, 2011


Whew!  Well, THAT was a close one!  But hey!  You made it!   So take some time and give yourself a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!  You made it through another Christmas and you aren’t in jail OR the looney bin! 

Considering what the Holiday season has become in recent years - this is actually quite an accomplishment.

The presents, the mounds of honey-baked whatever-it-is, and the full-contact shop-a-mania are finally over and done with for another year.  You are FREE!  All that pressure about who’s going to who’s house, and what to get Aunt Tiddler has also past. 

So live it up!  Pull the over-flowing trashcans filled with once-used wrapping paper and discarded worthless packaging to the street, get those lights off the house, and the reindeer out of the yard and for once in 2 months let’s order some pizza for dinner instead of turkey. 

Why not? Look, Christmas is OVER, let’s try to enjoy ourselves again.  It’s the LEAST we can do. 

Let’s lose of the “Happy Holidays” greeting and get back to the more comfortable:  “HEYYY!” or “THERE he is!” or  “HEYYY...there he is...YOU!” 

Let’s wear sweaters we’d LOVE to be caught dead in - instead the ones with all the snowflakes and snowmen and bells on ‘em.  Let’s play some Springteen and Pavorotti in the stores again for cryin’ out loud.

Christmas is over!  So we can lose the crowded, silly, mindless, worried, guilty, stressed out schedule we’ve been on the last few months and get back to living and treating each other like human beings again!

After IS Christmas. WAS anyway.  You get it.

As together we stand and sing.           


CHECK THIS OUT (ex-shite-ing):

Friday, December 23, 2011


Well, it’s time once again for another episode of Bible Flip Script! 

This is when I just flip my Bible open, fling my finger down on a verse and then just preach whatever verse my finger happens to land on.  It is considered by many to be some of the most exciting preaching I do.  Personally, I think the MOST exciting preaching I do is whenever I tie myself to the back of a wild boar and do a power point on the book of Leviticus. each his own.

OK, I am flipping...and flinging....and BOOM!

OK, today’s Bible Flip Script comes to us from the book of Genesis chapter 25, verse 30 where it says, “He said to Jacob, ‘Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I am exhausted.’”

You know it’s not too often that I am given the opportunity to preach on the subject of Bible hot sauce.  Not that I shy away from food preaching.  Far from it.  As many of you know I’ve preached on Splenda many times, and I have been known to throw down a little lesson or two on the spiritual power of waffles.  But hot sauce doesn’t come along nearly as often as I’d like.

And yet, here we have a specific Biblical text for it!  The story of Jacob and Esau! 

Feeling tired like Esau?  Worn down?  Had a rough day?  Have a couple spoonfuls of “the red stuff” like they did in Bible times and you’ll be feeling like yourself in no time! 

Of course, you’ll also end up losing the blessing from your father and selling your birthright to your deceitful, conniving little brother, and in pretty much screw up a lot of your life, but hey -  at least you won’t feel groggy.

Hot’s in the Bible...I think. 

As together we stand and sing.


I like to watch this once a day...don't you?

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


I was sittin’ around thinkin’ about Heaven the other day...

...this is not unusual for Preachers, by the way.  It’s kinda like bein a Librarian and sittin' around thinkin’ about books, or bein’ an astronaut and eatin’ peanut butter out of a tube...some things you do just because of your job.  Anyhow...

I was sittin’ around thinkin’ about Heaven: the golden streets, the pearly gates, the mountains and mountains of never-ending edible chocolate church buildings (hey a guy can DREAM, can’t he?  I love Willie Wonka) when I remembered what I heard a preacher say one time about Heaven.

He said that one of the great things about Heaven would be the fact that it would be a place where we could year after year, eon after eon, for ever and ever spend time with our family.

Our family.  For all eternity.  Together.  At last.  ForEVER. Just us.  Wow.  That is...quite a concept. Are you kiddin’?

Look, between you and me - I don’t know that the thought of spending an ETERNITY with THE FAMILY - and by that I mean MY family is necessarily what I would call a “motivator” as far as the Heaven thing goes for ANY of us.  And anybody who says it IS a motivator, clearly hasn’t met certain members of my family.

I’m not sayin’ they’re bad people, or that I don’t want to see them IN Heaven - I’m just saying that there are SOME of us IN the family who have discovered that there are SOME family functions that are often enjoyed better when SOME members of the family fail to come to SOME of the family functions - and I’m ASSUMING Heaven might be the same way, that’s all.

Now that I think of it - maybe  that's how it should be anyhow.  Maybe the "family reunion aspect" we often place on the idea of Heaven wasn't ever supposed to be the reason we wanted to "go to Heaven".  Maybe there was a "bigger" point to the whole thing.
That being said...Cousin Carl...Heaven or not, that restraining order is still in effect.  Stay away from me.

Merry Christmas, everybody! 
As together we stand and sing.


AND DON'T's not too late to get your Preacher a copy of my new CD.  My guess is, your Preacher could really use some new material to steal from.   He do it for you.  If they HAD CDs for Blurches.

Monday, December 19, 2011


You know...hold on.  Just gimme a second.  My glasses are just filthy.  It’s drivin’ me nuts.

For those of you who are not Preachers or do not wear glasses - or probably aren’t gonna understand why having dirty glasses is so frustrating and frankly...dangerous when it comes to preaching.  To say nothing of Bleaching.

So in the interest of professional, big-time preaching, I’m gonna take some time right now to clean these glasses before I continue - so gimme just a minute.

To see clearly, is to preach clearly.  To preach with fingerprints and French Fry residue all over the place is to preach...whatever...what is this on here?!

Lucky for me, I always have a travel glasses cleaner kit tucked inside my travel Bible, which I keep in my travel preachin’ suit, which kinda slides into my Portable Pulpit.  I’m what you call a “Prepared Preacher” - except when it comes to my sermons.  I pretty much just wing those.

Give a little spray there.  And another little spray there.  And...well, gettin’ better.  Not quite there yet, but gettin’ better.

This kinda reminds me of the story in the Bible when the blind man came to Jesus asking for healing.  Jesus spit in the ground, made some mud, rubbed the mud on the man’s eyes and said, “How do you see now?”  “Looks like a bunch of trees walkin’ around,” said the man.

So Jesus repeated the process and THIS time...the man could see clearly.

You see, first you have to KNOW you aren’t seeing, and then you have to do whatever it takes to correct the situation.  Be it miracle, spray or Lasik surgery.

In THIS's spray.  

And now that we can all see...CHECK THIS OUT:

As together we stand and sing.     


Sunday, December 18, 2011



Today I submit to you what I like to call the...


I hardly have to type at all for this one.

Eat your heart out Joel.

As together we stand and sing.


Monday, December 5, 2011


As I sit here this morning, bangin’ out yet another awarding-winning Blermon (blog-sermon), coffee at the ready, cartoons soothingly playing in the background, agonizing back pain shooting down my leg and up through the bottom of my neck (not to worry, it’s just an old baptizing injury - it happens to us Preachers), it occurs to me that all that is missing from this idyllic and creative scene is my trusty heating pad.

(PREACHER'S NOTE: was gonna drop a little clip art in here of a heating pad but it just seemed too condescending.  Look, if you don't know what a heating pad is by now you have no business being on a computer reading a Blermon).

Depending on the time of year, I am never far from my heating pad.  I call him “Paddywack”.  If I could figure out how to keep Paddywack plugged in while I went about my daily Preacher duties I would not only be a happier Preacher, I would also be a rich one.  There’s not a Preacher on the planet who wouldn’t put up big bucks for an electric “Preacher Pad”.  Baptizing injuries are everywhere.

Little Paddywack calms me.  Keeps me warm.  Eases my recurring, ever-present, imaginary psychosomatic pains like a summertime gospel meeting.   He is my electric, adjustable “blankie” buddy in a very real sense. Paddywack makes me feel good about myself and my world in a way that most Elders simply do not. 

I am TOLD that there is a secret army of “Paddywackies” out there who know exactly what I’m talkin’ about.  My wife Gidget is one.  From November to May Gidget is never seen without Paddy at her side, or often under her side, around her side, over her feet.  That girl can hog a heating pad, lemme tell ya.

But remember not all heating pads are created equal.  Some are just flat out mean.  So beware.  They will lull you into a cozy coma of goodness then as soon as you’ve forgotten about them they just...OW!  What in the world?  OW!  OK, I’m not kiddin’ around.  This heating pad just went koo koo.  It just burned a hole through my Preachin’ pajamas!  Can you believe that?  My body again, offered up as a sacrificial, living illustration.  I hope this helped. 

As together we stand and sing.  BP