Friday, December 2, 2011


I have been accused on various occasions by various and sundry critics of mine that I have periodically indulged in the viewing of particularly bad television.

In response to what many would call “slanderous blah blah blah”  - whatever - lemme just say this: Yes, I have on occasion watched some bad TV.  So what? 

Look, bad TV can be some of the best stuff ON TV these days.  Back in the old days you had to go OUTSIDE to see drug addicts resisting arrest and people eating worms.  Now they camp out right in your house.

The problem is watching too much bad TV can make it hard to sleep.  There are some images on some of those shows that will stick in your brain for the next 5 years and just won’t let go.  It can be quite disturbing.

“Flippers” on little beauty pageant kids is one of those images.  Flippers are what they call the fake adult teeth they put over the little kids' baby teeth so the kids don’t look like a Snaggletooth Tiger.  Instead, they look like Jerry Lewis circa 1964.  It’s terrifying.  

Well, THAT isn't terrifying.  But THIS is...
So is this, but for an entirely different reason...

What’s wrong with these parents?  They willingly dress up their poor, little 4-year-olds in too-expensive-for-them-to-afford sparkly cowboy hats and boots, then stick ‘em out on a stage in a hotel conference room in front of 12 other ridiculous parents and judge them on something called “poise”.  I didn’t know a 4-year-old even HAD poise, or could win a fake diamond CROWN for it.  And who knew you could do ANYthing with  a FLIPPER in their mouth! 

It reminded me of when I was a kid participating in Preaching Pageants.  I was voted “Best Bible Waver” four years in a row.  They didn’t have crowns, but I DID get a shiny silver communion tray with my name on it - which beats a FLIPPER.  

No, trust me.  It does.

As together we stand and sing.