Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I was recently asked this VERY IMPORTANT question by a concerned Blember (blog-member) of this Blogregation (blog-congregation).  It reads:

Dear Brother Preacher, Hello.  How are you?  I am fine.  Hope you are too.  Do you have any hobbies?

Not the most EXCITING opening to a letter, I agree, and really not that great for a Blermon (blog-sermon) opener either, now that you mention it.  But believe me, it gets better.  Several inane pages later, it reads:

Anyhow, I wanted to see if you could answer a question for me.  Last Sunday our Preacher, stopped in the middle of his sermon and began to choke like something had gotten stuck in his throat.  Just as people were starting to get nervous, he reached down behind his pulpit and pulled out a can of diet soda and took a swig.  “He replaced the soda can, and then reached down again and pulled out a bag of throat lozenges.  My question is: do ALL Preachers have stuff stashed back there in their pulpits, and if so, what else is back there?  By the way, you are the best Bleacher in the world. Much better than Joel Olsteen. A Fan, Terri.”

It’s a vital question, with a short, vital answer.  Here it is: if your Preacher is the kind of poor slob who is forced to preach behind one of those fancy, new-fangled “see-thru” pulpits, or Heaven forbid a “music stand” he is doomed.  With any luck he will be dead in 18 months.  14 Preachers a year choke to death due to preaching behind one of these ridiculous, lame-o pulpits.  If you care anything at all about your Preacher you will remedy this immediately.

The good news is MOST Preachers still use REAL pulpits, which means YES they have all kinds of crap stashed back there.  What that crap consists of, depends on the Preacher.

Nearly all have a drink of some kind for choking emergencies as well as some lozenges.  There is often a spare tie, some socks, pen, ruler for measuring hair length on Snippy Deacons, and a water gun in case the baptistery springs a leak.

Personally, I also like to include some batteries, a little TV for big game days, a bag a Doritos, some flannel graph characters, and you never know when you might need a can of corn to hold up as an illustration of “Things Not Mentioned In The book of Mark”.

Bottom line: a pulpit is like your mother’s purse.  Never go in there - you just never know what you might find...and you don’t wanna know.

As together we stand and sing.