Well, the results are in. It is official. The search is OVER!
And I am happy to announce that:
And I am happy to announce that:
MY MOTHER IS THE GREATEST MOTHER IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!!!
I know many of you WITH mothers of your own are SHOCKED by this news. I don't blame you. It must be tough to take.
I understand.
It happens.
How embarrassing for you.
The GOOD news is: all of YOUR mothers came in SECOND!
On down.
You can check the bulletin board for the official race results. Wherever the bulletin board is.
Bottom line:
My Mom's the BEST! Nanny, nanny poo poo!
I wish you all knew my Mother. So beautiful, so smart, so funny, so loving. She was the woman who raised me, who showed me right from wrong, and who gave me my very first taste of Vienna Sausage in a can.
I can still taste it's meaty, tin-y, perfume-y aroma wafting up through the memories of some long ago paper plate lunch. Oh, what VIENNA must be like!
I love bibs.
She was also the one who gave me my now, semi-famous, semi-global renowned name:
PREACHER.
Didn't know that did ya? Preacher is my actual NAME. Which is pretty handy considering I AM a Preacher. Thank goodness she didn't name me "Guy Who Licks Sidewalks For A Living".
I know that seems odd to many of you to be NAMED a profession - but for OUR family, it was pretty standard.
I have a cousin named "Brick Layer" who lays bricks.
I have a brother named "Dental Hygienist" who does... whatever they do.
And I have a sister named Michelle...who refuses to do any work at all. We used to call her "Baby Sitter" but it didn't work out. Anyhow...
Most importantly and above all, my Mother taught me how to be a Preacher. As many of you know, without THIS gift...I would be what is called...homeless. I have exactly NO other skills.
I first began preaching at the age of 15 months. Late for our family. I guess I was what many might call a "Wild Child", a "Lost Soul", a "Bad Baby". But I couldn't help it.
For some reason, I had to "sow my wild oatmeal" for a few weeks before settling down. I had to see what was on the other side of that kitchen, stretch my goo goos a little bit, watch some late afternoon cartoons.
At that time in my life, I showed no interest in preaching at all, choosing instead to stick marbles in my mouth, walk around in dirty diapers and take lots of unscheduled naps.
I hit, I bit and I chewed with abandon!
Whenever I could get my hand on 'em, I sucked on stranger's car keys.
I hated takin' baths, which made me sticky much of the time, to say nothing of stinky and gooey.
I demanded my own way, and often got it...'cause I could PINCH!
I touched things I wasn't supposed to, I heard things I wasn't supposed to and I refused to SHARE.
I didn't have solid food for weeks, preferring instead to DRINK my lunch...and dinner...and breakfast. I drank ALL the time.
I peed where I slept. Sometimes at night, other times just ridin' in the car.
I was like an animal shelter puppy out of control.
Had it not been for my dear, sweet Mother, I would've eventually found myself in some play pen, not saying please or thank you and gumming t-bone steak to a glutenous pulp.
But right when I needed her most, my Mother intervened. At just the right moment, she gave me what I didn't even know I wanted. And in April of 1964 she put me in a three piece suit, built me a 4 inch pulpit, and helped me write my very first sermon entitled:
"Bye, Bye Bad Baby:
My Life of Sin and Redemption."
It sold over 121 million copies - all to other babies, who couldn't read and just sucked on the pages - which is why we have no remaining copies. Still, it was the turning point of my life.
And the rest is...blah blah blah...whatever...back to Mom.
And so, it is with great pride, eternal joy, undying LOVE, unchallenged devotion, and supreme gratitude I say here and now for all the world to hear:
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!
I LOVE you, MOMMA!
You are hands down,
THE
absolute
BEST!
and...
Your Mother's Day card will be about 2 days late.
As is my custom.
As together we stand and sing.
BP
