TIME OUT

A good friend of mine just sent me this rather...disturbing bit of news:

I think I need to lie down.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Can you Bleach (blog-preach) in your sleep?

What?  Sorry.  I think I dozed off.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BP IS ME

We’ve all known our share of preachers over the years.  I know I have.  Some I’ve liked, some have been responsible for some of the most important moments in my life - and a few have gotten on my ever last nerve. 

What can say?  It happens.  No matter what anybody wants to believe, in the end, Preachers are just people.  And sometimes people can be downright annoying. 

The one thing that I always loved about Preachers when I was a kid was the fact that a lot of ‘em back then used to go by letters instead of names. 

There was A.C. Clausen, D.B. Sweeny, W.P. McKnight.  I mean, come on - how cool is THAT?  You’d NEVER call one of these guys “Brian” or “Mike”.  They were D.W., J.C., or Brother N.B.  - I defy you to try to pick a fight with a guy called Brother N.B.  Sounds like a Christian rap artist...or a sit-com.  Possibly a serial killer. 

The fact that these old-timey Preachers used to go by letters instead of names is probably one of the reasons I often go by B.P. now.  I love being called letters.  I also love pretending to be an oil company.  So either way, it works for me.

Now don’t get me wrong - I LOVE my name.  I am so very proud that my mother in her wisdom named me the name of the very thing I would one day grow up to be: a Preacher.  

 And let’s face it - there weren’t TOO many kids in my grade NAMED “Preacher”.  There WAS a kid named Jack Hammer Operator but he only went to school there one semester.  He was a loud kid. Anyhow...

I wish more people would go by letters instead of whole names these days.  If you ask me, it is a practice whose time has come.  What with all the LOLs and ROLFs and IWTHPOSDACYMs (I went to the post office, start dinner and call your mother).

ATWSAS (As together we stand and sing).   

BP

PRESIDENT PREACHER

I suppose if I wasn't a Preacher, I'd probably have to run for President.

I wouldn't wanna BE President, I just think I'd like running part.  After all, I love giving speeches (preaching), riding buses (joy bus), and corn dogs (the best church potlucks ALWAYS have corn dogs).  

I'm a pretty good debater too.  Last year I debated one of our semi-borderline brethren on the topic:  "Who is A Semi-Borderline Brother?"  I destroyed him.  He never saw it comin'.

I think the hardest part for most of these guys running for President now is the preaching part.  Let's face it, most of them aren't very good at it, and the few that ARE considered good at it, aren't that good either - they're just better than the others.  It's a low bar.  I'd kill.

The biggest problem is all these non-preacher candidates don't know how to put a sermon together.  

This is why Herman Cain (the part-time preacher) is getting so much traction right now.

Herman: In "Preacher" mode

999?  Are you kiddin' me?  Not only does that thing "preach" - it'll preach itself. 

I don't even know what it means, and I don't care.  Ever since I heard him talk about it, all I can do is imagine seeing it on a a big 'ole bed sheet at a tent revival.  I may have to steal this idea.  It's too good.  Of course when I do it it'll be a more Bible-y number.  Like 40, 40, 40 or maybe 7, 7, 7.  6,6,6 has been done, done, done - so that's out.

999 was clearly thought up by a Preacher.  I mean look: it's got three points, they all start with the same letter, and you could make the case that they all "rhyme"; if you count saying the same word 3 times as rhyming.

They better watch out for Preacher Herman.  Us preachers may not know much about how to be a President, but if one of us ever makes it all the way to the Oval Office...

Get your dunk on!

...I know a certain reflecting pool that had better watch it's back.  Can somebody say...

"Baptize-a-palooza"? 

As together we stand and sing.


BP



 

BLERMUDA TRIANGLE

I know many of you are wondering...

What happened to Friday's Blermon (blog-sermon)?  

Is it OK?  Has it been absconded?  Was it Blermon-napped?  Did Joel Olsteen have anything to do with this caper? 

Well, between you and me, I wouldn't put it past him.  I think it's pretty much common knowledge that Olsteen has been secretly coveting this Blurch (blog-church) and my powerful Blermons (blog-sermons) for months now.  

I know that makes some of you mad when I say that about Joel.  But hey, don't get mad at me, I'm just the messenger.  If you have a problem with this "Olsteen Blermon Conspiracy", perhaps you should head down to Texas and have a chat with Mr. Olsteen about it - I'm just sayin'...he LOOKS guilty.  

All I know is, it was my understanding that yesterday's Blermon was "in the can" and ready to go.  So naturally, I went about my other important Preacher duties (concordance shopping, sniffing out heretics, sermon gesture practice).

Imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning and saw that there was NO Blermon yesterday.  I broke out in a cold sweat and had to take a pedicure. 

You say, "Preacher, lighten up!  It was just one day without your award-winning Blermon.  Who cares?"

Oh, really?  Well, I don't know if you noticed but I missed just ONE day of Bleaching and what happened?  Oh nothing much.  Just...

...Libya falling into the hands of  rebels!  

And some of you think I'm just sittin' here typing at myself.  Face it: My Blermons are powerful stuff.

I just wish I could figure out what happened.  Perhaps I should reconsider the terrifying stories I used to hear Preachers tell back at the Sunshine School Of Preaching about mysterious disappearing sermon areas called: "Sermuda Triangles".

Sermons that were ready to go and in a Preacher's Bible would suddenly go missing right as the Preacher mounted the pulpit.  A lot of guys lost their jobs.  A lot of Song Leaders had to conduct "Emergency Singings".  It wasn't pretty. 

Of course,  in this case it would be a "Blermuda Triangle", I guess.

I just got a chill down my back.  I wish my wife Gidget was here.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Is Joel in THIS picture?  We may never know. 

FROM THE BULLETIN: How To Preach

The following is from the bulletin.  
Oh, shoot.  I guess I already said that in the title.  Well, guess what?  I'm gonna say it again right now:

FROM THE BULLETIN:

How To Preach

By Brother Preacher

I LOVE to preach.  What I DON’T love is coming up with sermons.  THAT’S a drag.  Or as the Greeks would say: drag-a-mite-a-wah-doh-tay. 

So here are some preacher tips I’ve collected over the years for you to remember when getting your hermeneutic on:

1.) Always use three points that rhyme, and start with the same letter.  For example: Bible, Blible, Blimple (close enough).

2.) Tell at least two jokes, one that’s self-deprecating and one about your KIDS that you completely make up but SAY is true.  Everybody LOVES jokes about Preacher’s kids - except Preacher’s kids.

3.) Poem use should be kept to a MINIMUM, and deployed ONLY in extreme preaching emergencies.  When in doubt, skip it!

4.) Close with a lost puppy story that makes everybody cry.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

I CAN PREACH ON ANYTHING - #1

As I have alluded in previous Blermons (blog-sermons), I, unlike a lot of these new, fancy-pants Preachers, have the ability to preach pretty much on anything.  

Case in point:

IS THE MASTER YOUR POWER SOURCE?

 

 "YOU CANNOT SERVE 2 MASTERS"

 "WHY MEN SHOULD HAVE SHORT HAIR."

OR:
"JUST BECAUSE JESUS HAD LONG HAIR DOESN'T MEAN EVERYBODY SHOULD.

KEEPING THINGS IN FOCUS...or not.

SUPER HERO, SUPER
FRIEND
(Bible Verse: TBD)


As together we stand and sing.

BP