Thursday, September 1, 2011


Prepare to be shocked.

In the interest of making myself more genuine with this Blongregation (blog-congregation) I feel it necessary to reveal some rather ...yes...shocking news about myself.

No, I’m afraid it isn’t anything scandalous.  No sex romps through a mall, no financial bilking, and no dirt bikes.

No, I’m afraid the shocking news I MUST share with the Blembers (blog-members) of this Blurch (blog-church) is simply this: Brother Preacher, me, your favorite, award-winning, stylish, charismatic Bleacher (blog-preacher), has not ALWAYS been a Preacher.   There.  I said it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying I was qualified to do anything else besides preach, I’m simply sayin’ there were times in my life when I HAD to do other things besides preach in order to keep myself in Ramen Noodles - all with varying degrees of success. For example...

I was once a Pig Farmer and accidentally zapped myself 7 times on an electric fence in one summer before I figured out how it was happening.

I was once a House Parent for two boys who had tried to kill their parents with hammers.  I was encouraged not to feed them any sugary cereals.  

I was an overnight Security Guard at a housing project where small refrigerators were routinely thrown out of high-rise apartments in a game the residents called, “Kill the Security Guard”. Personally, I preferred it to the other game played there called, "Kill The Security Guard With An Air Conditioner Being Thrown Out The Window".

I was a Bike Messenger with no bike, and a College Recruiter with no recruits.  And once I was once a Youth Minister in a church that had no youth, but DID have a spare room behind the baptistery where I lived for several months.
In 1987 I was unanimously selected “Worst Waiter In New York City” when I accidentally spilled an entire tray full of drinks down the back of a man who ironically, was unanimously selected “Most Unlucky Restaurant Go-er” that same year.

I was an Audience Warm Up Guy for TV shows with a guy named Phil.   

 For a while, I was a Detective and used to run around on a giant map in shoes that hurt my feet.

I used to make Europeans roll on the floor, and jump around in a room in Switzerland for 2 days at a time and then when it was over, I made them pay me money.   Later, I did it to Americans.

I was a stock boy, a painter, a truck driver, a teacher, a chocolate-covered pretzel spokesman, a babysitter, a dog sitter, a counselor, a radio DJ, a copywriter, a house cleaner, a wheat harvester, a candy salesman, a landscaper, a prop finder, a kid wrangler, a Bible Hour Entertainer, a horse stall mucker, a VBS Bathroom Train Conductor, and a construction site cleaner.

And once I held my breath for 2 minutes and made 5 dollars.

I could go on...and on...but I won’t.  Suffice to say...I LOVE Preaching.

As together we stand and sing.



  1. For what it's worth, I loved that "Detective who ran around on a giant map." He and his acapella-singing companions were my very first geography teachers... I'd be lying if I denied that he had something to do with my ending up here as as Blember.

    I'm actually planning a very nostalgic essay to be posted on the 30th, to coincide with and commemorate the 20th anniversary of the Carmen premiere. So I'll stop myself now before I end up writing it all out here right now.

    So, for now I'll say, "Thanks for the memories... and the geography lessons."

  2. I remember most of these. I especially remember when you were a security guard, and the manager wanted to give you a gun, to protect you against the refrigerator.

  3. I always watched Carmen Sandiego with my sons & I remember you on the Flipz commercial!

  4. Thanks for the kind words, Rose, and Toni. I look forward to the "20th piece". :)

    And GLenn, thanks for bringing to mind another nightmare that until now I thought I had successfully buried. "BP, there are gonna be a lot of drug deals hear in the parking lot, nut it's restricted parking - so just make sure they don't sit there for more than 15 minutes."