Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I am always so AMAZED at people's capacity for whining.  It seems limitless.  Indubitable.  Whatever the word is.  It's what we do.

The most UNtalented person in the world can whip out a world-class whine and win a contest with it without breaking wind.  And I think it's only gotten worse over the years.  I see Whiners all around me, like sharks at a tuna festival.  

Thank goodness the guy who invented the "Smiley Face" isn't around to see all this.  If he saw how truly whiny the world has become, it would break his "Happy Heart".  A lifetime of circles and yellow paint all for nothing.  Tragic.

I LOVE the "Smiley Face" guy, by the way.  He's always been a particular hero of mine.  I hope he was a Preacher.  Anyhow...

Whiny people seem to be able to continually fill their "Whiny Cups" to the brim from some secret source of dis-satisfied grumpiness known only to the stupid and selfish.  They are privy to a bottomless pit of mental goo that can stink up a room faster than a sweaty skunk who works at a pig farm.  

Bottom line: I HATE Whiners!  They get on my ever-last nerve.  I don't mean to whine about it get it.

Which is why it's a good thing I wasn't Moses.  If I had been Moses and had to put up with THAT bunch of HIS for FORTY YEARS, trust me -  about the 2nd time somebody mouthed off about not "diggin' the manna this morning" there would've been some tar-covered ex-brick makers BEGGIN' me to make manna waffles! 

I can't help it.  When I'm hot I'm just not as patient as I normally am.  And the desert is HOT.  And the desert with whiners is unbearable.  Kill 'em, Moses.  They've got it comin'.

If you really wanna see some Whiners, try BleachingTM a semi-daily BlermonTM some time.  With your very first posting, Whiners will magically appear out of thin air, like that Kazoo guy from The Flintstones.  

"I didn't like that last BlermonTM, Preacher."

"Why don't you be more funny, Bleacher?"

"Joel Olsteen never BleachedTM about a Yugo, BleacherTM."

"Army Guys aren't scriptural, Preacher."

Oh, cram it.  All of ya.

It's enough to drive me crazy...IF...I paid attention to it.  Which I don't.  Then again,  I ignore FLIES too but they still bug me at a picnic.

Look, other Preachers may care what "the multitudes" think about manna and blogs and dog illustrations.  I have other more PRESSING things to worry about.

Like where can I find some more boxes.  Pronto.

You see, Gidget and I are in the process of pretending to move.  We do it about every 6 months.  Keeps us on our toes.  A Preacher has to be ready to move at a moment's notice.  One never knows when some grumpy Elders will get frisky and send you on down the "Road To Damascus."  At least getting fired allows me to reuse sermons - which I love.  

Anyhow, so we practice moving - like a fire drill.

But as you know, "Pretending to Move" happens to be one of the top 2 stressers of life.  The TOP stresser is a "Writing a Semi-daily Blog in the Face of a Bunch of Whining Whiners".  

Obviously, I can't tell you WHERE we're pretending to move just yet.  That would be far too dangerous.

You see, between my rabid, psycho fans (of which there are almost 2) and the number of fellow Preachers of the Preacherhood I have offended and/or ticked off  (of which there are literally thousands),  I have to keep my whereabouts unknown for now.  

Let's face it, you haven't seen REVENGE till you've seen a flannel graph lovin', overhead projector, filmstrip Preacher coming after a modern, tech-savvy, Blurch-Blogging Fool   like myself.  It can get pretty nasty. 

Also, some members of this BlongregationTM would have me believe that I've had some pretty crummy postings this week.  "Thoughts of the Day", "Army Guys Theater", "blah blah blah", whatever else, just don't AMAZE people the way they used to.  Goes over their head these days, I guess.  Well so what?  I'll have to file their dis-satisfication under, "Not my problem."  

Look, I've been BUSY this week, OK?!  I've been
PRETENDING to move, for cryin' out loud!

Now, am I BLAMING some rather lame-o BlermonsTM on the fact that I'm pretending to MOVE? 

Of COURSE not!

On the other hand...YES!

Then again: WHO CARES?!  

Let's see YOU find boxes for Gidget at the grocery store 12 hours a day, and THEN  go home and write an award-winning blog on the KITCHEN FLOOR...EVERY DAY!  
 Shoot!  Most of YOU don't even READ this thing every day.   If EVER!  Some of you aren't even reading it NOW!

So quit whining and GO FIND ME MY TAPE GUN!  

Then strap in and  get ready for some more "Army Guys"  "Thoughts of the Day" and BlermonsTM I write like burping. Semi-Lame-o BlermonsTM are all I have time for right now. I'm thinking of making them a series. You will read them and you will like them!

Like my daddy used to say to me, "If you DON'T like the peas and insist on gaggin' on 'em at the table anyway, then SUPPER...IS...OVER!"

And I say that in all Christian love...of course.  

Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.

As together we stand and sing.



  1. Many marvel at how Jesus once turned water into wine. Get ready: this morning, right now, with one stroke of the delete key, I will turn "whine" into "wine"! Amazing moment, all inspired and made possible by BP's gentle blog on whining.

  2. What a fabulous bit of magical devo talking RC has just pulled off for us here this morning.

    Many of you know RC from his work as the "Magician Preacher of The Plains" - and he has shown his great skill here once again.

    Some might call such a trick: ridiculous, lame-o, silly...I simply call it...a future Blermon idea I can steal.

    I am shameless.

    Thanks once again for the material, my friend. Now go turn "wine" into "donuts" - I'm hungry!

  3. I just eat people.



  4. Yeah, that's right, and you know who you are! Wait - What? Fred Willard? Reeealy...

  5. Once again, The Wolfman cuts to the chase. Well done, oh Hairy One. Well done.