NEW IDEAS FOR PREACHERS - #1

Sometimes a picture can preach a thousand sermons.

I'm happy when it can Bleach (blog-preach) just one Blermon (blog-sermon); which I BELIEVE is what just happened with the following picture!


Behold...
the Ventriloquist-Preacher!

The lips never move!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHERY STUFF DEFINED

I was recently asked by a Blember (blog-member) of this Blurch (blog-church), 

"BP, what in the world is a Concordance?"

It was an excellent question; and it made me realize that there may be other "Preachery Words" I use on occasion that many of you are unfamiliar with.  

As the magician said to his lovely assistant after the saw trick failed miserably, "My bad."

So in the interest of keeping everyone "together" on this stuff, let me define a few terms...

PULPIT:

From the root word, pulpit-iote-me-wack.  Which literally means: "to pull sinners out of the pit."

HERMENEUTICS:

From the Presidential campaign of 2012.  
Literally: "Herman's NEW idea" Even MORE literally: 9,9,9.

BAPTIZE

From baptizo: to dip, to immerse, to plunge.  See also: "Fun Stuff Preachers Like To Do."

SERMON

The most important part of a well-balanced breakfast.

HOMILY:
A delicious addition to grits.

CONCORDANCE:

I have no idea.  I know it's not a Bible.  And it's heavy.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

REMINDERS TO PREACHERS

If you're gonna be preaching this morning this Blermon's for you.  

I just want to remind you Preachers of a few vitally important things before you mount the pulpit today.  If you AREN'T a Preacher, but KNOW some, make sure they see this before church time.  It'll help.

#1: Don't go too casual.

It's fine to be relaxed, but if it looks like you just came in from cleaning out your garage, it can make your audience think you may know more about rakes than Romans.  On the other hand...

Don't go too much.  NOTE: a GOLD CAPE...is too much.  Especially if it's hooked on by a clasp you saw on "The Real Housewives of Orange County".  You're a Preacher, not a super hero.


#2: Make sure any object lessons you hold up are NOT invisible.

An invisible object lesson isn't as half as effective as an actual object that you can see.  Still don't believe me?  OK - look at this guy's choo choo train...

See what I mean?  Not too effective...

Get REAL props!

#3: Try not to look mad when you preach.  What are you so ticked off about?  You're a preacher for cryin' out loud!  You've got Monday's off!

#4: Never bake and preach at the same time.  It confuses the people.

#5: Don't threaten to strangle people who don't wanna get baptized.  It's their choice.  Wait...this MAY be another invisible illustration.  I can't really tell.  Bottom line: don't do either one.

#6: Use a REAL pulpit!!  You can't pound on this thing, and there's no where to hide stuff.  If this is all you have to preach on, start asking for prayer requests.  That oughtta kill about an hour and then you can make your escape.

#7: When given a choice...

...go microphone.   It's 2011 in case you hadn't noticed.


#8: Whenever possible, avoid preaching from the top of a refrigerator.    

Nowhere in the Bible will you find one example of the Apostle Paul preaching from the top of an appliance.  And lose the lounge singer tux while you're at it.  Make up your mind: sing or preach!

And finally...never underestimate the power of...the BIG FINISH!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SAP: NOT JUST FOR TREES ANYMORE

OK, so maybe it's true...

Maybe sometimes I AM a little too easy to please...

Maybe a bit on the sappy side...

And maybe on occasion I can be just a little bit too much in awe of things that by now should seem commonplace...

I'm not arguing with you on any of that...

You're right...




I'm wrong...

I'm a SAP.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

DEALING WITH COMPLAINTS

Recently I have received several complaints that my blermons have been a bit...sparse.

To which I would respond...

As together we stand and sing.

BP

A PREACHER'S TIME MACHINE

Today has been especially fun.

I thought it was Wednesday all day.

You'd be amazed how many things that can screw up.

Reminds me of that time God stopped the sun.

I love time machines.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

I want us all to take just a brief moment to contemplate a couple of things...

First of all, Gidget is again leaving town tomorrow.  Which always means there is no guarantee that I will eat (veggies), exercise, or get my Blermons out on time.  

There's also the whole not wearing pants thing.  But let's not get into that here.

We can only hope she won't be gone for long this time.  As you know, this humble Preacher tends to go a little "native" after so many days on his own. OK,  maybe not "days".  It's more like after 7 minutes of her leaving the driveway.  Sue me.

Let's face it, I require a fair bit of monitoring and gentle correction.  They say Billy Sunday and Moses were the same way.  And secondly...

Is the above drawing a guy praying or some kind of featherless duck?

I really have to stop drawing with the lights on.

As together we stand and sing.

BP