I've just received some rather disturbing news.
It appears that my dear, sweet mother is officially "addicted to cute".
To be more clear: my mother is a "Cute-dict."
There. I said it. And believe me, it's as hard to say as it is to spell.
I'm not sure when it started, but at some point my Mother became obsessed with the tiny, the fuzzy, the puffy and the sweet.
Cute chickens, adorable bears, singing puppies, tiny donuts, miniature refrigerators that hold tiny cartons of tiny eggs. To say nothing of the hundreds of cute, chubby, little YouTube kids saying the books of the Bible while eating Popsicles.
Cute has stolen her waking hours and by extension, many of mine.
I know she's going through a bad patch when her emails to me end with graphics of pink kittens in blue tuxedos jumping on yellow marshmallows and waving signs that say, "Let's All Be Cute!" and "For Cute's Sake."
I'm a grown man, for cryin' out loud. What am I supposed to do with with this kind of animal? How am I supposed to respond to this sort of sign?
There's no telling where this will all lead: cute tomato pillows, cute bobble head angels in the back window of the car, sweaters with cute roosters on them saying, "cute-a-doodle-cute".
What's worse, I know she's not alone. It's an epidemic out there. Many of you are in the same position as my Mother. Some even worse.
You make cookies in the shape of chubby owls. Your screen saver is Winnie The Pooh driving a cupcake car. You have ring tones with Chipmunks singing Christmas songs. You give your husbands ties covered with...well...you know.
It's not right.
"He that is without sin, let him cast the first stone."
This has to stop. We can't let this go on.
Only you can help. Only you can stop this epidemic that is devastating the country.
Start by being patient. The Cute-dict rarely knows she has a problem. They will deny it by saying things like:
"A LOT of people have teddy bear wall paper."
"What's weird about baby salt and pepper shakers?"
Don't believe them. They are trying to trip you up. A lot of people DON'T have that kind of wall paper and there is PLENTY wrong with baby condiments.
Remember that this condition starts slow and grows over many years. So to cure it, be patent, start slow.
Start by keeping this and anything like it away from people like my mother:
It only leads to this...
And NO one needs THAT. Whenever possible, replace this...
And when in doubt, end all emails with pictures of construction sites and stacks of dirty dishes.
Beyond this, have the Cute-dict watch weekly, old war movies, take up karate and sleep on white sheets - no Mickey Mouse sheets...or backpacks.
For the good of this country, for the sake of the world, for my Mother...please...stop with the cute already.
As together we stand and sing.