FOUR MORE, SHUT THE DOOR

I'm realizing that this whole "it's end of the world this Saturday" stuff can be a little tough to get used to.  

Let's face it, these are SERIOUS times.  When you've only got FOUR DAYS before it's all over, you really don't have the luxury to mess around much.  Which for a guy like me, is asking a lot.  Messing around is one of my God-given talents.

Still, I'm worried that I might not be spending my last few days on earth the way I should. I've got to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

You see yesterday, after posting another award-winning BlermonTM, I went out (as is my custom) and got a waffle at my favorite diner.  I do this nearly every day, except on the days I get waffles from the truck stop vending machines.

It's not that Gidget doesn't make a fan-TAST-tic waffle at home, it's more the fact that I like the way the diner stools SPIN when I sit on 'em.  And if I'm wearing shorts and am lucky enough to be "thigh sweating" at the time,  I can make the "pleather" (plastic leather) diner stools squeak out "Oh Susannah" in 2-part harmony.  

And if you've never done THAT before, you haven't LIVED, Sister! 

I often eat alone.  

Anyhow...

I got so carried away with the waffles and the spinin', squeakin' stools, that before I knew it, it was already 2:00 in the afternoon, which is when I usually either do hospital visits or have lunch, depending on who's sick and how hungry I am.  

So since I was already AT the diner, I thought it best to go ahead and have lunch, and see if I could squeak out a little "London Bridge" - which, it turns out, I do quite beautifully. 

After that I was so full and my thigh was so chapped from all those songs, I took a nap in the park and then had a water balloon fight with some Boy Scouts (I DESTROYED 'em, by the way.  I'm a Webelo man, myself).


After that, it was back home for dinner with Gidget, and some Celebrity Apprentice on the DVR action, and then to bed.


It wasn't until my head hit the pillow that I realized, "Oh MAN!  I have completely BLOWN one of my last 5 days on Earth!  What a Moron!"

Then I asked the Lord for forgiveness and had a donut. 

What a mess of a day.  I do NOT want to repeat it.  The days are REALLY too short now.

So I have determined that today will be different.  I want Tuesday to COUNT.  To mean something.  Now there are only FOUR DAYS left on this Earth and I want them to be meaningful and special and profound.

So right after I post this, I'm going to put on some LONG pants and grab a quick waffle at the diner and then...you know...do something cool.


I'll keep you posted.

COUNTDOWN TO FINAL DESTRUCTION:

4 DAYS  

As together we stand and sing.


BP

5 MORE DAYS AND NOTHING TO WEAR

As those of you who follow this blog know, I recently learned that this May 21st (Saturday) is scheduled to be the official "end of the world".  

If you're like me, this has put a bit of a KINK in your plans for the week.  (Say goodbye to the seeing the finale of the Real Housewives of Orange County).  

And for me personally, it has also (surprisingly) filled me with severe wardrobe angst.  I keep asking myself:

"Self?  

What should I wear for the whole 

'meet the Lord in the air' thing 

this Saturday?"

Now usually I couldn't give two burps about what I wear (if I'm not in Preaching mode).  But meeting the Lord in the air is different.  It's sort of the Royal Wedding for Preachers.  And whether we like it or not, we'll all talk about what the other Preachers are wearing.  Lemme tell ya, Preachers can get catty.  

I'm talking to YOU T.D. (Jakes).  

No funny business this time.  

Or red suits without a collar.

Some would say, I'll want to wear my Sunday best.  Which is no help at all because these days "Your Sunday Best" could be anything.  

When I was growing up, nothing short of a clip-on tie and a two breasted, reversible suit  from Sears would suffice.  But in case you haven't noticed...things have changed.

These days, guys in California  PREACH on Sunday mornings in nothin' but Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts!  They look like they wanna sell me sunglasses.  Ridiculous.  But for all I know, they'll be the trend setters of Heaven. 

Heck, the Angles themselves may be wearin' overalls and sweatpants instead of wings and robes these days.  So, I'd hate to over dress and look braggy.  

On the other hand, others say I won't have to worry about what to wear at all because we are all going to be changed "in the twinkling of an eye" - but I'm not sure this includes clothes.  

What if the new "spiritual body" I'm changed into is slimmer and (hopefully) hunkier, than this piece of junk I'm haulin' around now?  I could look like a joke!

Then again, I may not have to worry about what to wear to "the rapture" anyhow because it is POSSIBLE that I'll get hit by a bus or choke on a chicken bone BEFORE this Saturday and not have to worry about it.  

For example, say I croak  this Tuesday.  That puts me in the ground by Friday, then raised from the dead on Saturday.  Then there I'll be, floatin' up to Heaven in whatever Gidget and my Mother decided to stick me in, and the nephews didn't want to have.  

That could be a train wreck. My nephews always pick my best stuff to steal and wear.

So really, my best bet (and YOURS as well) is to try my best to NOT DIE, pick out my own outfit, dress casually but tastefully, and not let on to the Angels that I think overalls and wings are a bit too "laid-back" for the celestial look.

The GOOD news is...I WON'T be wearing this hat...or this HAIR (from my Ben Franklin period)...

I hope this "Last Days Tip" has helped you as you prepare for the big day on Saturday.

By the way, skip work today.  It really doesn't matter anymore.

Smile - it's your LAST Monday!

COUNTDOWN TO FINAL DESTRUCTION:

5 DAYS

As together we stand and sing.

BP

P.S. - This is no better in color.

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! MY BAD

I've just received some rather... ASTONISHING news. 

I'm not sure what to say.  

I am embarrassed and ashamed and a little nauseous.  Though I don't think they're related.  I'm nauseous 'cause I had coffee and pizza for breakfast.  Anyhow...

It has recently come to my attention that apparently, this coming Saturday, May 21st, 2011, is officially...

THE END OF THE WORLD!   

I had no idea. 

I realize that as a Preacher I shoulda been more ON this.  I really dropped the ball this time.  It has caught me TOTALLY by surprise.

I can only hope that this Blongregation (blog-congregation) can one day forgive me for such a terrible oversight.  And if you could do it before next Saturday, I'd really appreciate it.  I'll need all the help I can get.

It was always MY understanding that the Lord was coming back "as a thief in the night" and  "no man knoweth the hour" and all that stuff.  But I guess, he must've tripped a laser beam alarm or something - because somehow, the word is out, and EVERYBODY KNOWS!  Except ME, of course.


What's weird is that while this is something I have talked about for years, and looked forward to for years, I have to admit - I have some mixed emotions about the whole thing now that it's actually happening.  

Don't get me wrong, it is GREAT that the Lord is coming back.  I can't wait to meet him and ask him all those questions I've been wanting to ask like: 

Dinosaurs on the ark?  Really?  Could I see some video?  And...

If there were only 4 people on the earth (Adam, Eve, Cain, Able) where the heck did Cain's WIFE come from? And...

Is manna ANYthing like peanut butter?  

It'll be fun.  

And all those gold streets and pearly gates will be great to see too.  Though I have to admit, gold streets have always hit me as a little over the top. I would think there would be a TERRIBLE glare comin' off of there.  But then again, what do I know about roads?  I'll just bring my Ray-Bans. 

While I am excited about Saturday,I have to admit that I wouldn't be DEVASTATED if he decided to hold off on it just a LITTLE bit longer.  After all, there were SOME things I was still wanting to get done before I go.  

For example, I was scheduled to start an amazing new sermon series next Sunday on the topic: "Hezekiah: Weirdest Book Of The Bible."  Just finished the Power Point for it.  You'd be amazed at how many times I had to spell check Hezekiah.  But with the Lord comin' back, all THAT work is down the drain.  Fine. 

I was also planning on beginning my Ashtanga Yoga Teacher Training next week.  THERE'S $400 bucks and a sari I'll never see again.  

And my dream of drumming in a traveling Polka Band? THAT's out.

And I can kiss my life-long obsession of meeting Kristy McNichol on a roller coaster at Knott's Berry Farm goodbye.  Boy, THAT one hurts.

On the other hand - there are some GOOD things about the Lord's sudden return too.

For example, I still had 9 more pounds I wanted to lose by the time of my niece's wedding this June - and I'm sorry, but there is just NO way I'm gonna drop that kinda weight by this Saturday.  

As a matter of fact, now that I know there WON'T  be any wedding photos for me to look fat in, I'll probably just toss the whole diet out the window and try to GAIN 9 pounds by this Saturday instead.  

Bring on the Reese's and the ice cream, the LORD is coming back!

And Rent-A-Junk can forget gettin' my rent money for the TV this month too.  Why should I pay for a full month of TV watchin' when I'll be in Heaven that last week? 

The one thing that DOES bug me a little bit is what the heck we're gonna be doing up there for all eternity.  I mean look, I love singin' church songs as well as the next guy, but I think after 10 trillion years of "How Great Thou Art" I MIGHT be wanting to hit up some video games or somethin', if you know what I mean. 

In the meantime, you'd better quit foolin' around and get to church.  And for cryin out loud, pick the RIGHT one this time! 

You're on your own.  Every man for himself.

As together we stand and sing.

COUNTDOWN TO FINAL DESTRUCTION :

6 DAYS

BP

P.S. - I love puppies.

PRODDED AND POKED

I got "POKED" on Facebook the other day.

Not really sure how I feel about that.  

Not even sure what it MEANS, to tell you the truth.

I don't know whether to be offended or flattered.  Do I call a cop? My lawyer?  Do I "poke" back? 

I just hope I'm not engaged to some web freak now.  That'd be hard to explain to Gidget.

Back in my day, getting "poked" wasn't somethin' you went around BRAGGIN' about on the internet (or "Pong" as it was called back then). Poke the wrong person back then and you could end up in the hospital.  Or possibly the Witness Protection Program.

Now everybody's pokin' everybody left and right without a thought of the potential consequences.  Kids poke parents. Parents poke Preachers.  I've even heard of some big churches in Tulsa poking tiny churches at Fellowship Sing-a-thons.  

How tragic.  

What is happening to this world?!  Have we forgotten, "Poke not that ye be not poked"?  And "Poke unto others as you would have them not poke you"?

We're in trouble, folks.  Big bad trouble.  BBT  I wish I had some band uniforms I could sell ya.  That'd straighten this town out - in about an hour and a half.

It is in dangerous, tumultuous times like this that I naturally turn to the Bible for answers.  And sure enough in Ezra 2:57 we find that answer.  

Here we learn that POKEreth-Hazzabaim was a temple servant.

Couple this with the time Jesus said, "If thine eye offend thee POKE it out."

And there you have it: a half blind temple servant.

Sometimes the Bible just isn't as helpful as you'd like.  THIS is one of those times.  So...

Let us turn to the world of CARTOONS for an answer.

Here we find that loveable, orange-flavored, rubber donkey named POKEY, the hilarious side kick to that rubber, green guy - Grumby. 

Again...not that helpful.  

So let us go to the world of camp songs for an answer.  

Here we find: The Hokey POKEy!

NOW put it ALL together and we have a hilarious, orange, half blind, dancin' rubber donkey, who works in a temple!

What a wonderful lesson for us all.

Preaching is SO easy. 

Coffeetime!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

ARMY GUYS BIBLE STORIES (#6)

The Army Guys Bible Story Theater presents...

"The Army Guys" in:

"The Bulrush Baby"

Eat your heart out Mr. Demille.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THOUGHT OF THE DAY #4

"I wonder if I should 

do another "Army Guy" BlermonTM

today or go with a "Thought of the Day" instead?"

Stayed tuned to this BlulpitTM (blog-pulpit) and we'll BOTH find out!

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

MOVING ON, WHINING OFF

I am always so AMAZED at people's capacity for whining.  It seems limitless.  Indubitable.  Whatever the word is.  It's what we do.

The most UNtalented person in the world can whip out a world-class whine and win a contest with it without breaking wind.  And I think it's only gotten worse over the years.  I see Whiners all around me, like sharks at a tuna festival.  

Thank goodness the guy who invented the "Smiley Face" isn't around to see all this.  If he saw how truly whiny the world has become, it would break his "Happy Heart".  A lifetime of circles and yellow paint all for nothing.  Tragic.

I LOVE the "Smiley Face" guy, by the way.  He's always been a particular hero of mine.  I hope he was a Preacher.  Anyhow...

Whiny people seem to be able to continually fill their "Whiny Cups" to the brim from some secret source of dis-satisfied grumpiness known only to the stupid and selfish.  They are privy to a bottomless pit of mental goo that can stink up a room faster than a sweaty skunk who works at a pig farm.  

Bottom line: I HATE Whiners!  They get on my ever-last nerve.  I don't mean to whine about it but...you get it.

Which is why it's a good thing I wasn't Moses.  If I had been Moses and had to put up with THAT bunch of HIS for FORTY YEARS, trust me -  about the 2nd time somebody mouthed off about not "diggin' the manna this morning" there would've been some tar-covered ex-brick makers BEGGIN' me to make manna waffles! 

I can't help it.  When I'm hot I'm just not as patient as I normally am.  And the desert is HOT.  And the desert with whiners is unbearable.  Kill 'em, Moses.  They've got it comin'.

If you really wanna see some Whiners, try BleachingTM a semi-daily BlermonTM some time.  With your very first posting, Whiners will magically appear out of thin air, like that Kazoo guy from The Flintstones.  

"I didn't like that last BlermonTM, Preacher."

"Why don't you be more funny, Bleacher?"

"Joel Olsteen never BleachedTM about a Yugo, BleacherTM."

"Army Guys aren't scriptural, Preacher."

Oh, cram it.  All of ya.

It's enough to drive me crazy...IF...I paid attention to it.  Which I don't.  Then again,  I ignore FLIES too but they still bug me at a picnic.

Look, other Preachers may care what "the multitudes" think about manna and blogs and dog illustrations.  I have other more PRESSING things to worry about.

Like where can I find some more boxes.  Pronto.

You see, Gidget and I are in the process of pretending to move.  We do it about every 6 months.  Keeps us on our toes.  A Preacher has to be ready to move at a moment's notice.  One never knows when some grumpy Elders will get frisky and send you on down the "Road To Damascus."  At least getting fired allows me to reuse sermons - which I love.  

Anyhow, so we practice moving - like a fire drill.

But as you know, "Pretending to Move" happens to be one of the top 2 stressers of life.  The TOP stresser is a "Writing a Semi-daily Blog in the Face of a Bunch of Whining Whiners".  

Obviously, I can't tell you WHERE we're pretending to move just yet.  That would be far too dangerous.

You see, between my rabid, psycho fans (of which there are almost 2) and the number of fellow Preachers of the Preacherhood I have offended and/or ticked off  (of which there are literally thousands),  I have to keep my whereabouts unknown for now.  

Let's face it, you haven't seen REVENGE till you've seen a flannel graph lovin', overhead projector, filmstrip Preacher coming after a modern, tech-savvy, Blurch-Blogging Fool   like myself.  It can get pretty nasty. 

Also, some members of this BlongregationTM would have me believe that I've had some pretty crummy postings this week.  "Thoughts of the Day", "Army Guys Theater", "blah blah blah", whatever else, just don't AMAZE people the way they used to.  Goes over their head these days, I guess.  Well so what?  I'll have to file their dis-satisfication under, "Not my problem."  

Look, I've been BUSY this week, OK?!  I've been
PRETENDING to move, for cryin' out loud!

Now, am I BLAMING some rather lame-o BlermonsTM on the fact that I'm pretending to MOVE? 

Of COURSE not!

On the other hand...YES!

Then again: WHO CARES?!  

Let's see YOU find boxes for Gidget at the grocery store 12 hours a day, and THEN  go home and write an award-winning blog on the KITCHEN FLOOR...EVERY DAY!  
 Shoot!  Most of YOU don't even READ this thing every day.   If EVER!  Some of you aren't even reading it NOW!

So quit whining and GO FIND ME MY TAPE GUN!  

Then strap in and  get ready for some more "Army Guys"  "Thoughts of the Day" and BlermonsTM I write like burping. Semi-Lame-o BlermonsTM are all I have time for right now. I'm thinking of making them a series. You will read them and you will like them!

Like my daddy used to say to me, "If you DON'T like the peas and insist on gaggin' on 'em at the table anyway, then SUPPER...IS...OVER!"

And I say that in all Christian love...of course.  

Blah, blah, blah.  Whatever.


As together we stand and sing.


BP