This just in:
MULTITASKING DOES NOT EXIST!
Whew! What great news! I feel better already. Don't you?
Now, you may go about the remainder of your day free from the overwhelming dread of THINKING that you HAVE to talk on your cell phone, drive your SUV, bake a cake, read the latest biography of Gumby, pray for ball games, contemplate soup, catch a Gilligan's Island marathon, and design a swim suit ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
Why? Because...
MULTITASKING DOES NOT EXIST!
You're FREE!
I especially would like the lady who nearly rear-ended me this morning to know this exciting bit of news.
Apparently she thought she COULD do all of the above at the same time. She even thought she was GOOD at it. Imagine her surprise when, after she screeched to a smoky stop, 2 inches behind my STOPPED car, when I suggested she was NOT good at it AT ALL; and that she could make BOTH of our lives better if she would simply cut the number of her "multitasks" down to just the DRIVING for the remainder of her trip?
She claimed I was nuts. She said she had everything under control, because she had been Multitasking. What a relief. She might as well have said that she had been collecting rainbows. Because like collecting rainbows...
MULTITASKING DOES NOT EXIST!
What DOES exist is bad, unfocused, dangerous, distracted driving. What DOES exist is crappy, pointless writing, directionless, frustrating meetings, and uncompleted, never-ending projects.
Thanks, Multitasking!
Why be like this unfortunate, soon to be sued woman? Why not grab onto the truth instead?
Why not know that instead of pretending to Multitask, you can actually FOCUS on ONE task at a time, BE in the moment, and really HEAR when someone is talking to you, instead of texting someone ELSE and miss the whole conversation?
Why not realize that you can go camping under the stars and SEE stars instead of updating your calendar on a sleeping bag?
Did you know that if you DON'T multitask you can accurately decipher the look on your poor dog's face and see that he is saying, "I haven't been let out yet today and am about to do a 'No No' on the carpet if you don't start paying attention to me," instead of, "Hellooo, Handsome!"
Amazingly, once you begin to accept the death of Multitasking you will soon find that you can STILL text, update your calendar, check in with more than one friend and do anything else you need to do because when you DON'T Multitask, each task is instantly given the proper amount of attention it needs to get done.
Amazing.
When you don't play into the myth of Multitasking, you can bring whatever it is you are working on to this thing called "completion", instead of having it linger on for years. You can actually attain goals. You can fix problems. You can finish projects.
"But I'm good at Multitasking," you say.
No. You are not.
What you ARE is a poor, deluded soul, who THINKS you're getting many things done at once. This is like saying you are "good" at shopping for electric pretzels in the 4th dimension of the planet Krog.
You are NOT. Why? Because electric pretzels and the planet Krog do not exist.
This will be hard for some of you to accept. It is time you accept it.
Look at me, writing this BlermonTM. To the untrained eye, it looks as though I type, drink coffee, and ride a pony all at the same time.
This is incorrect.
In reality, I am only typing WHILE I'm typing. Nothing else is happening. When I drink coffee, I STOP typing and drink coffee. If I try to Multitask, I mess up the typing, or spill the coffee which then adds two more tasks to my day; namely: clean up the coffee and RE-type.
And I am not really RIDING the pony, I am simply ON it. It is a miracle I haven't been thrown off yet. As a matter of fact, I just looked up and have no idea where I am now.
Note to self: lose pony, get chair. But not at the same time. Why? Because...
Well, you know.
Sigh.
Now...doesn't that feel better?
As together we stand and sing.
BP
