Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I am often asked for insights into the secret life of Preachers.

I have to admit, it is a fascinating study.  Preachers are among the world's most interesting people, second only to Zoo Keepers and Guys Who Break Dance Past Age 40.  They are more interesting than movie stars and girl jazz singers by somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 light years.

So today we will explore the moves Preachers use while in the pulpit in order to excite and bewilder and eventually baptize an audience.  First up: "The Bible Flop".
The Bible Flop
This is a very standard Preacher Move.  It gives a certain authority.  People don't like to argue with a guy who's got his Bible flopped open like this WHILE he's preachin'.  It's very intimidating.  It's simple.  It's effective. 

It's also a good way to lose your sermon notes that you stuck into your Bible right before you mounted the pulpit.  If you're preaching outside and you try this move, you're dead.  

Because of this problem, some guys go for a variation of the Bible Flop called "The Flat Flop".

The Flat Flop
With the Flat Flop we see that the Bible is "flopped" but it's flat, thus keeping sermon notes safe from flying away.  Except for the hankie in his pocket, this guy's ready for some serious, al fresco preaching.

The Mickey Mouse
Next is a little used move called, "The Mickey Mouse".  No Bible is needed for this move, but a big golden cross on your suit helps.  This move is good for when there's a question you can't hear in the back of the auditorium or for quick surrenders during Bible debates with cocky seminary guys.
The Flop-N-Finger

Here's a combination move called "The Flop-N-Finger".  On this move the standard Bible Flop is combined with the "Pharisee Finger" for what amounts to a very mouthy move.  By the way, who knew Captain Kangaroo was also a preacher?  

Next, is one of my personal favorites...
The Elvis
..."The Elvis".  It's also known as the "Samson Pillar Move" and simply  "The Tah Dah!"  It's the perfect move after you just been smitten by an unexpected spiritual truth upside the head.

The Big Mardi
This next one isn't really a move so much as Mardi Gras beads.  Thus, "The Big Mardi".  I have never employed this move myself, primarily because I wouldn't want to see what the congregation was wearing (or NOT wearing) while I was busy wearing the beads.

Air Chopper

This guy has NEVER worn beads, but he does make good use of the one and only "Air Chopper" move.  It's sensible, direct, and not too flashy.  Good for studying the book of Romans.
The Muzzler

Well, leave it to Swaggart to destroy with this perfectly executed "Five Finger Hippo Muzzler."  The Muzzler has multiple uses.  It can make 5 points, screw in a huge light bulb, AND actually muzzle a hippo in the wild.  This one's not for the Newbie Preacher.  
The Never Do

I really can't stand this guy.  What kind of a ridiculous move is this for a Preacher to make?  He ought to be ashamed of himself!  Don't get me started.  OK, that's it.  I've said enough.  Bottom line: don't EVER do this move unless you're looking to get fired or slapped by a Ladies Bible Class.
Flop-N-Finger 2
 Again, another example of the "Flop-N-Finger" with variation.  The FNF-V is used to illustrate what a "point 1" looks like, and to see if there's enough wind to blow your sermon notes out of your Bible.

The Claw

"The Claw" is dangerous.  Looks too much like you're asking for money or auditioning for American Idol.  Rookie mistake.  Avoid.
The Pharisee Finger

Here's one called, "The Pharisee Finger sans Bible but WITH Holy Hankie".  For this one you'll need to memorize your sermon, and hope you sweat.

"The Italian" is rarely used today.  You can't really make any points on the fingers, you can't accuse anybody of anything like with the Pharisee Finger, and it looks like you're eating something WHILE preaching.  NOTE: never remind a church that they could be eating instead of listening to you.

2-Handed Flop
 The "2-Handed Bible Flop" is a  safe, classic move that keeps you from losing your sermon, but makes doing "The Elvis" virtually impossible.


I can't tell you about this one.  I know all about it, but I CAN'T tell you about it.  It's dangerous and classified.  Suffice to say, it should be only be used in desperate situations (e.g. a Jello-salad Jamboree), and only with the right equipment including: a medallion, Bozo hair and a purple, 3-piece suit.
The Zit
"The Dual Neck Voo-Doo Chop"  works when your dog story illustration has failed.  Basically, just pretend you're popping a zit.

The Moron
Here's an example of a move called, "The Moron."  In this move you just scare people into getting baptized and then drown them.  Not a lot of stats as to the effectiveness of this move, it's still relatively new. 

Shut up

Oh, for cryin' out loud.  Really?  Are you serious?

As together we stand and sing.


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