MY NAME IS BP, AND I'M A WEDDING SURVIVOR

Wedding over...can't see straight...dizzy...confused...send help now...as together we stand and eat cake...turn in your Bibles to the bride and groom chapter 2...I love cake!...remember the Maine!...I wish I was Joel Olsteen right now...can't breath...head spinning...why can't I uncross my eyes?...eyes can't uncrossed...so many bloomin' kids...we need more punch...who is that dancing with my niece?...get your hands off my niece...I had no idea Gidget knew how to break dance...how do you spell Cancun?...who is that guy DANCING with Gidget?...where's my Bible..."Dancing only leads to swimming", Grandma Cash Chapter 1 verse you're in trouble...I love mints!...send in the clowns, and have them bring trash bags...As together we stand and survive a wedding...empty the trash...we're out of paper plates!...I just ate all the tortillas...we're out of chairs!?...I wanna go to Preaching school and get married...I didn't know I could break dance like this...aspirin...must get aspirin...is that Robert Stack from the Untouchables?...GIDGET!!!!!


BP

MY WEDDING MIRACLE

The pressure's on.

As members of this semi-global BlongregationTM know, today is my niece's wedding.  Which only means one thing:  

ALL EYES WILL BE ON ME. 

If you're not a Preacher you won't understand that.  You see, MOST folks think that weddings are about the cake, the dress, the bride, or possibly the "after the ceremony" reception dance moves of that annoying little 6 year old kid who CLAIMS he's Break Dancing.  

All weddings have those dumb, little kids.  I can't STAND 'em.  For the record that kid ISN'T Break Dancing!  He is simply doing what is called: "Rolling Around On The Floor In Your Church Clothes."

I will never understand why everybody's always so impressed with that cocky, little punk.  I've been "Breakin'" since I was 35, I should know what it's supposed to look like, but nobody claps when I do it.  Barbarians.  Anyhow...

The pressure is on for me today not only to take over when the scheduled Preacher passes out or drops dead in the middle of the ceremony (which happens all the time.  It's why I go to weddings in the first place.  It's called: Emergency Preaching), but more importantly to perform my obligatory wedding miracle.

This all started with Jesus, of course.  When he was at the wedding in Cana, his mother asked him to change water into wine.  So he did it and everybody got happy.  Once again, the Bible proves that people love magic tricks at weddings.  And as a Bible-based, "with it" Preacher, I recognize this fact and never disappoint.

Often, preparing for my wedding miracle can take more time than the sermon itself.  And that makes sense.  Look, miracles can be tough to pull off these days.  Audiences just aren't as easily impressed as they were in Jesus' day.  I blame the Internet.  And roller coasters.  

You'd think turning water to wine would be fairly easy to pull off - it is not.  Personally, I think baptizin' a fat guy is easier.  And THAT is tough to pull off, take it from me.  Fat guys tend to float on ya.  Anyhow...

Doing the water to wine thing will be tough to pull off today primarily because this IS Oklahoma.  While they do love their Bible here, they prefer their own reading of it whenever possible.  So, instead of "Water to Wine", I'll probably have to settle for "Water to KOOL-AIDE."

Won't be nearly as impressive, I know, but it oughtta save me from gettin' another dis-fellowshipment.

The good news is, so far this morning, my warm-up sessions have been going pretty good.  I've already changed my orange juice to water and my coffee to decaf.  

Don't believe me?  Take a look.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

UNDERCOVER PREACHER

Once again I have proof positive that the Lord wasn't kidding when he said he would provide.

It may not be what we were expecting or even wanting, but guaranteed, SOMEthing WILL be provided whether you like it or not.  That kind of assurance isn't for everybody - but I like it.

I am referring, of course, to the way in which the Lord has recently provided a fabulous new preaching opportunity for me while my wife, Gidget and I are "on the road".

As many of you know, I am a wandering missionary of sorts these days, scouring the country in search of pulpits to mount when no one's lookin'.  And here we are, just a few days into this adventure and I've already scored my first wedding.  It's my niece's in Oklahoma.  

I've done some of my best work in the big "OK".  I was also dis-fellowshiped twice here, but on balance, I think I'm gonna kill. 

Now it IS true, I am not "officially" on the docket to preach this wedding, but that's never stopped me in the past.  Besides, as everyone knows, weddings have killed off more Preachers than you can count.  Usually, during the ceremony.  Often the combined stress of grumpy elders, teaching Ladies Bible Class AND dealing with a crazy bride and her mother has put more than one Preacher in the ground early. 


It's tough out there. 

So, in light of this tragic trend, you've GOT to have capable, handy, Preaching School-qualified Preachers at the ready with a 3 point, New Testament-based, illustration-rich sermon to jump in at a moments notice.  

Lucky for you, I'm here.  I AM that Preacher.  

I may LOOK like the back-up guy, but I'm really the hero of the whole wedding in back-up guy clothes.  Trust me, I've made a CAREER of doin' this.  There's nobody who can touch me in hornin' in on weddings.


I do it not so much because I like weddings (the food isn't really my style - I prefer funeral food), but because weddings are an excellent opportunity for what I call "Sniper Sermon Preaching".  

While the crowd is expecting for me to give all that lovey-dovey, "do you take" junk, I jump up and blast 'em with a good old-fashioned "Sodom and Gomorrah - straighten up - barn -burner- special".  Maybe throw in some teeth gnashin' stuff at the end.  I love it.  They don't know what hit 'em.  


With Sniper Wedding Sermons, I can average right around 5 baptisms a wedding.  Of course, the weddings don't always "take" like we'd like but, come on...anybody can do a wedding, it takes a PREACHER to pull off 5 baptisms AT a wedding.  

Plus that, I'm already married so what do I care?  Whatever.

So, Saturday is the BIG DAY.  I'll play it cool til then; pretend to help Gidget with the whole fish bowl, boutonniere, cake thing; but as soon as that other Preacher keels over in his Bible, it...is...ON.

Did somebody say, "Preach-a-pa-lujah"?


I LOVE Preaching weddings.  Don't you?  Who wouldn't?


The cake isn't bad either.

Stay tuned Preaching fans - I'm goin' in.  


As together we stand and sing.


BP