Saturday, April 2, 2011

Sunrise, Sun-SERMON!

I woke up preaching this morning.

It happens on occasion.  Normally it's pretty harmless, so I don't usually sweat it.  Especially if I'm on the road, like I am now, I just wake up preaching then go on with my day.

Of course, if I'm at home and it happens, things can get a little more complicated.  For example, there HAVE been several times when I've woken up preaching and realized that in addition to giving an invitation and some announcements, I had also accidentally baptized my wife, Gidget, in my sleep.  As you can imagine, this usually makes for a pretty surly breakfast.  You see, Gidget has already been baptized.  And she doesn't appreciate an early morning surprise dunking by a "sleep preaching" husband.

Who would?

By the way, I LOVE you Gidget!  Where did you pack my electric nose trimmers?   Please just leave it's location in the comment section of this posting.  LOVE YOU!  XOOXO

There are no examples in the Bible of anyone waking up preaching, or even preaching in their sleep.  There IS the story of the guy sitting in a window, listening to the Apostle Paul drone on for way too long.  Apparently it wasn't one of Paul's "Top 10 Sermons" because Paul ended up boring the man to sleep, which resulted in the man falling three stories out the window and onto the street.  That'll teach him.

What is this story telling us?  Very simply...WAKE UP!  Or DIE!

I'm kidding, of course.  Although, it IS a Biblical concept so...maybe I'm NOT kiddin'.  Which is it?   Look, just stay awake and live.

Poor Paul - if he'd only known my secret for keeping people awake during a sermon.  I simply keep saying "In Closing..." about every 5 minutes.  So just about the time they're  ready to fade off into a wonderful dreamland, they force their eyes open again, in the hope that I'm wrapping things up, which of course, I NEVER am.

Preachers must be as innocent as doves, and a clever as television programmers.

Now I know what many of you are thinking: "Preacher, get to the point.  What is this Blog-a-sermon trying to say."

That's just it.  I don't KNOW what I'm Bleaching (blog-preaching) about this morning.  I have no idea.  Why?  Because at this very moment I am typing this my sleep!  I must have bored myself BACK to sleep while writing about sleeping just now.  Amazing.

Isn't that exciting?!  I wonder how many of YOU are asleep right now?

In closing...

HA!  Got ya!

I cant wait to wake up and see what I Bleached about today.  Hopefully it will be something I can steal from for my sermon for Sunday - so far I got NOTHIN' on that.

So anyhow...blah, blah, blah, blah.  The End.

What was that?  A turkey?  I think I'm dreaming that I'm preaching to a bunch of turkeys.  I can't understand what they're saying because that red turkey thing keeps blocking their mouths.  How will I take their confession?!   How will they sing the invitation?!  How do you baptize a turkey?

What a nightmare.  I hope I don't fall out a window.

As together we stand and sing.



  1. I find that sleeping while listening to sermons is the very best strategy. With years of experience under my pew pillow, I have learned to snore through every clever "In Conclusion" and to hold on to dreams until the congregation stands to sing, "Just as I Am." Of course there was the time when they changed the invitations song to some praise-y kinda tune that repeated over and over again until I slipped into a hypnotic trance and slept through an entire week only to awake the next Sunday during "Just as I Am." Not so good for my employment, and the janitor was shaken by the thought that I was a corpse. So now I bring an alarm clock, set it, and hope that the preacher does not go too long.

  2. Amen brother. And best to Gidget.
    xo, Sister Szybist

  3. RC - not only do you write an insightful comment, but you also make a fantastic cola.

    Anonymous Szybist - thanks. Will do.


  4. Ah said, Ah said, Ah said - he's goood boy but he just don't listen!
    Your Harmonica playin Puppet!
    Charlie Sheen for President!