PREACHER CAKES

Someone recently informed me that there is a thing out there in the world called a "Preacher's Cake". 

Naturally, I was intrigued.  I am - as you know - the keeper of all things "Preacher".  The mere thought of there being a delicious desert out there designed specifically with the Preacher in mind tells me life just got better.  I can go another day.

Imagine - a cake MADE for Preachers.  My guess is frosting and a Greek Lexicon are somehow involved.

Of course, the first thing that popped into my mind when they mentioned a "Preacher Cake" was something like this...

If you've ever had the misfortune of attending a Preacher's Breakfast, I'm sure you've watched with disgust as Preachers make fast work of these little puppies.  

Watching Preachers eat is among my top 5 "Never Wanna See Again" list.  They show no mercy.  It's like they take all their frustrations with teaching Ladies Bible Class and dealing with Grumpy Elders out on masticating chicken legs and brownies.  

It's astonishing how fast Preachers can misplace verses on gluttony once a Pot Luck prayer gets said.  

(Shudder)

Sorry - just had a mental image of the last Preacher's Breakfast I attended.  It wasn't pretty.  We lost some good guys.  And even more brownies and chicken legs.

Anyhow, so you can imagine my surprise when I found out that a  donut with sprinkles on it was NOT a "Preacher's Cake".  From what they tell me, THIS is a "Preacher's Cake":

Are you kiddin' me?  Kinda disappointing.  What year IS this?  1882?  

And yes, for those of you who are wondering - that IS pineapple at the bottom of this baby - IF you can get through the 3 inches of sour cream frosting.

Whoever invented this cake CLEARLY didn't care for Preachers.  Or cake.

This cake reminds me of a baby shower my wife Gidget made me go to back in the early 90's...before it was cool for guys to hang out at baby showers, of course.

PREACHERS NOTE: it's STILL NOT cool for guys to go to baby showers.  What are you guys thinkin'?  Why are you going to baby showers?  Did football suddenly evaporate from the planet?  I blame myself. Well, really I blame Gidget but let's not get into that here.   Anyhow...


To me, THIS is what a  "Preacher's Cake" should look like:

Or maybe THIS...

You know, something you can preach with.  I don't know about you, but I really appreciate a cake I can eat and also preach a 3-point hermeneutical-y sound sermon on the book of Jude with.

I know what you're saying.  But I can't help it.  I'm guilty: I like to eat my cake and preach with it too.  There I said it.  Get off my back.

Between you and me THIS is the only thing I can consider a REAL "Preacher's Cake".  And Gidget if you're reading...take the hint:

As together we stand and sing.

BP

TRICK OR PREACHER

I realize that many of you will soon be heading out to do a little Trick or Treating. I also realize that others of you will be trying to make the Trick or Treaters feel like they're doing something wrong simply by GOING Trick or Treating.

To those of you in the latter group (many of whom I suspect are Grumpy Elders) I would simply say this: No candy for you.

For the rest of you, I want to give a couple of costume tips for your big night out.  Assuming, of course, that you have decided to go as a Preacher.  By the way - you're gonna cash in tonight - people love givin' stuff to Preachers.  

From: "So You Want To be A Preacher"

TIP #1 - There's nothing magic about going "Classic".  Works every time: dark suit, checkered tie, white shirt, frame less glasses, conditional smile (that gets bigger after a baptism).  The only way to improve THIS costume... 

A real pro

TIP #2 - Add a Bible and wave your arms like a maniac.  Now THAT's A Preacher!  Amen?!

First down!

TIP#3 - If you go for the big stick...

"T" is for "Take this off and put on a suit."

You have to include the "hoodie" with a "t" on it.  That's...kind of a rule.

No.

TIP #4 - NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!!!!  How many times do I have to say this?!!  If you wear this, eventually you'll be doing THIS...

Preachers DON'T walk on water

And nobody wants to see THAT.

Shake your God thing

TIP #5 - No silk shirts from 1978.  This is a church, not a disco.  And stand UP for cryin' out loud!!

Bond...PREACHER Bond

TIP #6 - Oh please...be serious.

CAN lower cholesterol

TIP #7 - Hats don't work on Preachers.  Unless you're selling oatmeal.


Finally...study this next picture and just do the opposite of everything you see here...

NO dogs...or whatever that is.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

MAKING SURE

Matthew

Mark

Luke (and)

John

Acts (and the letter to the)

Romans

First and Second Corinthians

Galatians (and)

Ephesians

Philippians

Colossians

 First and Second Thessalonians

First and Second Timothy

Titus (and)

Philemon

Hebrews

James

First and Second Peter

First and Second and Third John

Jude (and)

Revelation

Sometimes I just like to make sure I still got it.  

Me in Books of the Bible mode

As together we stand and sing.

BP

TIME OUT

A good friend of mine just sent me this rather...disturbing bit of news:

I think I need to lie down.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Can you Bleach (blog-preach) in your sleep?

What?  Sorry.  I think I dozed off.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BP IS ME

We’ve all known our share of preachers over the years.  I know I have.  Some I’ve liked, some have been responsible for some of the most important moments in my life - and a few have gotten on my ever last nerve. 

What can say?  It happens.  No matter what anybody wants to believe, in the end, Preachers are just people.  And sometimes people can be downright annoying. 

The one thing that I always loved about Preachers when I was a kid was the fact that a lot of ‘em back then used to go by letters instead of names. 

There was A.C. Clausen, D.B. Sweeny, W.P. McKnight.  I mean, come on - how cool is THAT?  You’d NEVER call one of these guys “Brian” or “Mike”.  They were D.W., J.C., or Brother N.B.  - I defy you to try to pick a fight with a guy called Brother N.B.  Sounds like a Christian rap artist...or a sit-com.  Possibly a serial killer. 

The fact that these old-timey Preachers used to go by letters instead of names is probably one of the reasons I often go by B.P. now.  I love being called letters.  I also love pretending to be an oil company.  So either way, it works for me.

Now don’t get me wrong - I LOVE my name.  I am so very proud that my mother in her wisdom named me the name of the very thing I would one day grow up to be: a Preacher.  

 And let’s face it - there weren’t TOO many kids in my grade NAMED “Preacher”.  There WAS a kid named Jack Hammer Operator but he only went to school there one semester.  He was a loud kid. Anyhow...

I wish more people would go by letters instead of whole names these days.  If you ask me, it is a practice whose time has come.  What with all the LOLs and ROLFs and IWTHPOSDACYMs (I went to the post office, start dinner and call your mother).

ATWSAS (As together we stand and sing).   

BP

PRESIDENT PREACHER

I suppose if I wasn't a Preacher, I'd probably have to run for President.

I wouldn't wanna BE President, I just think I'd like running part.  After all, I love giving speeches (preaching), riding buses (joy bus), and corn dogs (the best church potlucks ALWAYS have corn dogs).  

I'm a pretty good debater too.  Last year I debated one of our semi-borderline brethren on the topic:  "Who is A Semi-Borderline Brother?"  I destroyed him.  He never saw it comin'.

I think the hardest part for most of these guys running for President now is the preaching part.  Let's face it, most of them aren't very good at it, and the few that ARE considered good at it, aren't that good either - they're just better than the others.  It's a low bar.  I'd kill.

The biggest problem is all these non-preacher candidates don't know how to put a sermon together.  

This is why Herman Cain (the part-time preacher) is getting so much traction right now.

Herman: In "Preacher" mode

999?  Are you kiddin' me?  Not only does that thing "preach" - it'll preach itself. 

I don't even know what it means, and I don't care.  Ever since I heard him talk about it, all I can do is imagine seeing it on a a big 'ole bed sheet at a tent revival.  I may have to steal this idea.  It's too good.  Of course when I do it it'll be a more Bible-y number.  Like 40, 40, 40 or maybe 7, 7, 7.  6,6,6 has been done, done, done - so that's out.

999 was clearly thought up by a Preacher.  I mean look: it's got three points, they all start with the same letter, and you could make the case that they all "rhyme"; if you count saying the same word 3 times as rhyming.

They better watch out for Preacher Herman.  Us preachers may not know much about how to be a President, but if one of us ever makes it all the way to the Oval Office...

Get your dunk on!

...I know a certain reflecting pool that had better watch it's back.  Can somebody say...

"Baptize-a-palooza"? 

As together we stand and sing.


BP