David had his slingshot and Goliath. I had my Chuck Connors Cowboy In Africa lunch pail and a guy named Mike Musconey.
And it came to pass in those days that there was an evil giant, a 6th grader, named Musky.
And behold Musky was strong and mean, and stood head and shoulders above all the others. And he did mock and persecute the kids of the 5th grade all the days of their lives.
And upon every morning he did stealeth their lunch money and every evening he did trippeth them in the hallways and then he just laughethed when they did fall upon the ground. And there was none who could stand against him in all the land, no not one. And behold there was fear throughout the land.
And it came to pass, that there arose in those days, a 5th grader who was quiet, and with a large, round head that was made mostly of bone, that was crew-cutted and thick, by the name of Brother Preacher. And he did spendeth most of his days pretending to be anywhere else besides school - usually as a spy or an undercover cop, a cowboy.
And it came to pass that one day while young Brother Preacher and his companion Jimmy Menke (a skinny and aspiring astronaut) made their way home from school, that they happened upon the evil giant Musky and his raggedy band of evil torturers. And behold they were much afraid.
Then did Jimmy Menke saith unto Brother Preacher, “Let us turn now from this path of death unto another path lest we be slaughtered here like so many baby pigs.”
But Brother Preacher saith unto him, “I cannot turn away from this path, for I knoweth not of another way home and behold my mother will whip me if I’m lateth.”
And as they spoke, Musky the Giant did leap upon them with a shout and saith unto them, “Giveth unto me your lunch money lest I bludgeon you with my fist and mocketh you as a 5th grader!”
Then did Brother Preacher saith unto him, “Have mercy on us, oh great Musky, for we are weak and thou art strong, and we have no lunch money to give you. For behold, it is now already 3:20 in the afternoon and lunch is over. And see here my Chuck Connors Cowboy in Africa lunch pail -- I don’t ever have lunch money. I eat cold lunch.”
“Then you must die,” saith Musky unto them, "And with a great dieing you will die. Somethin' like that."
So did Musky smiteth Brother Preacher thrice upon his huge head and with all his might. But Brother Preacher did not fall, for his head was large and round and filled mostly of bone.
And Musky looked upon him with bewilderment and saith unto his companions, “Behold, who is this 5th grader that he did not fall crying onto the ground like the others? Is he human?”
“He is human,” saith Jimmy Menke, “But he can also taketh a punch. Behold your strikes are unto him like so many gnats upon a stone.”
Then did Brother Preacher raise up his Chuck Connors Cowboy in Africa lunch pail and he did smiteth Musky swiftly and directly one time across the face. And so great was the power of that smiting that the thermos did fly out from inside the lunch pail and nearly hit Jimmy Menke in the footeth.
And behold Musky looked at Brother Preacher and saith nothing.
Then did Jimmy Menke saith unto Brother Preacher, “Behold we are now dead. Behold how you have angered him. Let us cry unto our God for mercy and to ask that He might comfort our mothers who will surely weep at our demise.”
But as he said this, the Giant’s lip did begin to tremble greatly. And then he began to weep, then to wail, then to bleed, and finally to run, like a baby, up unto the hill where he did lie upon the dried leaves, and tremble and flail and almost faint like a baby pig.
Then did all the children of the 5th grade come and surround Brother Preacher and Jimmy Menke with a shout and there was great rejoicing in the land for many weeks.
And never again did Musky ever stealeth lunch money or mocketh another 5th grader. And from that day until now, Brother Preacher always eats cold lunch.
And Musky had to get dorky looking glasses. Serveth him right.
As together we stand and sing.