TRICK OR PREACHER

I realize that many of you will soon be heading out to do a little Trick or Treating. I also realize that others of you will be trying to make the Trick or Treaters feel like they're doing something wrong simply by GOING Trick or Treating.

To those of you in the latter group (many of whom I suspect are Grumpy Elders) I would simply say this: No candy for you.

For the rest of you, I want to give a couple of costume tips for your big night out.  Assuming, of course, that you have decided to go as a Preacher.  By the way - you're gonna cash in tonight - people love givin' stuff to Preachers.  

From: "So You Want To be A Preacher"

TIP #1 - There's nothing magic about going "Classic".  Works every time: dark suit, checkered tie, white shirt, frame less glasses, conditional smile (that gets bigger after a baptism).  The only way to improve THIS costume... 

A real pro

TIP #2 - Add a Bible and wave your arms like a maniac.  Now THAT's A Preacher!  Amen?!

First down!

TIP#3 - If you go for the big stick...

"T" is for "Take this off and put on a suit."

You have to include the "hoodie" with a "t" on it.  That's...kind of a rule.

No.

TIP #4 - NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!!!!  How many times do I have to say this?!!  If you wear this, eventually you'll be doing THIS...

Preachers DON'T walk on water

And nobody wants to see THAT.

Shake your God thing

TIP #5 - No silk shirts from 1978.  This is a church, not a disco.  And stand UP for cryin' out loud!!

Bond...PREACHER Bond

TIP #6 - Oh please...be serious.

CAN lower cholesterol

TIP #7 - Hats don't work on Preachers.  Unless you're selling oatmeal.


Finally...study this next picture and just do the opposite of everything you see here...

NO dogs...or whatever that is.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

MAKING SURE

Matthew

Mark

Luke (and)

John

Acts (and the letter to the)

Romans

First and Second Corinthians

Galatians (and)

Ephesians

Philippians

Colossians

 First and Second Thessalonians

First and Second Timothy

Titus (and)

Philemon

Hebrews

James

First and Second Peter

First and Second and Third John

Jude (and)

Revelation

Sometimes I just like to make sure I still got it.  

Me in Books of the Bible mode

As together we stand and sing.

BP

TIME OUT

A good friend of mine just sent me this rather...disturbing bit of news:

I think I need to lie down.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Can you Bleach (blog-preach) in your sleep?

What?  Sorry.  I think I dozed off.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BP IS ME

We’ve all known our share of preachers over the years.  I know I have.  Some I’ve liked, some have been responsible for some of the most important moments in my life - and a few have gotten on my ever last nerve. 

What can say?  It happens.  No matter what anybody wants to believe, in the end, Preachers are just people.  And sometimes people can be downright annoying. 

The one thing that I always loved about Preachers when I was a kid was the fact that a lot of ‘em back then used to go by letters instead of names. 

There was A.C. Clausen, D.B. Sweeny, W.P. McKnight.  I mean, come on - how cool is THAT?  You’d NEVER call one of these guys “Brian” or “Mike”.  They were D.W., J.C., or Brother N.B.  - I defy you to try to pick a fight with a guy called Brother N.B.  Sounds like a Christian rap artist...or a sit-com.  Possibly a serial killer. 

The fact that these old-timey Preachers used to go by letters instead of names is probably one of the reasons I often go by B.P. now.  I love being called letters.  I also love pretending to be an oil company.  So either way, it works for me.

Now don’t get me wrong - I LOVE my name.  I am so very proud that my mother in her wisdom named me the name of the very thing I would one day grow up to be: a Preacher.  

 And let’s face it - there weren’t TOO many kids in my grade NAMED “Preacher”.  There WAS a kid named Jack Hammer Operator but he only went to school there one semester.  He was a loud kid. Anyhow...

I wish more people would go by letters instead of whole names these days.  If you ask me, it is a practice whose time has come.  What with all the LOLs and ROLFs and IWTHPOSDACYMs (I went to the post office, start dinner and call your mother).

ATWSAS (As together we stand and sing).   

BP

PRESIDENT PREACHER

I suppose if I wasn't a Preacher, I'd probably have to run for President.

I wouldn't wanna BE President, I just think I'd like running part.  After all, I love giving speeches (preaching), riding buses (joy bus), and corn dogs (the best church potlucks ALWAYS have corn dogs).  

I'm a pretty good debater too.  Last year I debated one of our semi-borderline brethren on the topic:  "Who is A Semi-Borderline Brother?"  I destroyed him.  He never saw it comin'.

I think the hardest part for most of these guys running for President now is the preaching part.  Let's face it, most of them aren't very good at it, and the few that ARE considered good at it, aren't that good either - they're just better than the others.  It's a low bar.  I'd kill.

The biggest problem is all these non-preacher candidates don't know how to put a sermon together.  

This is why Herman Cain (the part-time preacher) is getting so much traction right now.

Herman: In "Preacher" mode

999?  Are you kiddin' me?  Not only does that thing "preach" - it'll preach itself. 

I don't even know what it means, and I don't care.  Ever since I heard him talk about it, all I can do is imagine seeing it on a a big 'ole bed sheet at a tent revival.  I may have to steal this idea.  It's too good.  Of course when I do it it'll be a more Bible-y number.  Like 40, 40, 40 or maybe 7, 7, 7.  6,6,6 has been done, done, done - so that's out.

999 was clearly thought up by a Preacher.  I mean look: it's got three points, they all start with the same letter, and you could make the case that they all "rhyme"; if you count saying the same word 3 times as rhyming.

They better watch out for Preacher Herman.  Us preachers may not know much about how to be a President, but if one of us ever makes it all the way to the Oval Office...

Get your dunk on!

...I know a certain reflecting pool that had better watch it's back.  Can somebody say...

"Baptize-a-palooza"? 

As together we stand and sing.


BP



 

BLERMUDA TRIANGLE

I know many of you are wondering...

What happened to Friday's Blermon (blog-sermon)?  

Is it OK?  Has it been absconded?  Was it Blermon-napped?  Did Joel Olsteen have anything to do with this caper? 

Well, between you and me, I wouldn't put it past him.  I think it's pretty much common knowledge that Olsteen has been secretly coveting this Blurch (blog-church) and my powerful Blermons (blog-sermons) for months now.  

I know that makes some of you mad when I say that about Joel.  But hey, don't get mad at me, I'm just the messenger.  If you have a problem with this "Olsteen Blermon Conspiracy", perhaps you should head down to Texas and have a chat with Mr. Olsteen about it - I'm just sayin'...he LOOKS guilty.  

All I know is, it was my understanding that yesterday's Blermon was "in the can" and ready to go.  So naturally, I went about my other important Preacher duties (concordance shopping, sniffing out heretics, sermon gesture practice).

Imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning and saw that there was NO Blermon yesterday.  I broke out in a cold sweat and had to take a pedicure. 

You say, "Preacher, lighten up!  It was just one day without your award-winning Blermon.  Who cares?"

Oh, really?  Well, I don't know if you noticed but I missed just ONE day of Bleaching and what happened?  Oh nothing much.  Just...

...Libya falling into the hands of  rebels!  

And some of you think I'm just sittin' here typing at myself.  Face it: My Blermons are powerful stuff.

I just wish I could figure out what happened.  Perhaps I should reconsider the terrifying stories I used to hear Preachers tell back at the Sunshine School Of Preaching about mysterious disappearing sermon areas called: "Sermuda Triangles".

Sermons that were ready to go and in a Preacher's Bible would suddenly go missing right as the Preacher mounted the pulpit.  A lot of guys lost their jobs.  A lot of Song Leaders had to conduct "Emergency Singings".  It wasn't pretty. 

Of course,  in this case it would be a "Blermuda Triangle", I guess.

I just got a chill down my back.  I wish my wife Gidget was here.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Is Joel in THIS picture?  We may never know. 

FROM THE BULLETIN: How To Preach

The following is from the bulletin.  
Oh, shoot.  I guess I already said that in the title.  Well, guess what?  I'm gonna say it again right now:

FROM THE BULLETIN:

How To Preach

By Brother Preacher

I LOVE to preach.  What I DON’T love is coming up with sermons.  THAT’S a drag.  Or as the Greeks would say: drag-a-mite-a-wah-doh-tay. 

So here are some preacher tips I’ve collected over the years for you to remember when getting your hermeneutic on:

1.) Always use three points that rhyme, and start with the same letter.  For example: Bible, Blible, Blimple (close enough).

2.) Tell at least two jokes, one that’s self-deprecating and one about your KIDS that you completely make up but SAY is true.  Everybody LOVES jokes about Preacher’s kids - except Preacher’s kids.

3.) Poem use should be kept to a MINIMUM, and deployed ONLY in extreme preaching emergencies.  When in doubt, skip it!

4.) Close with a lost puppy story that makes everybody cry.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

I CAN PREACH ON ANYTHING - #1

As I have alluded in previous Blermons (blog-sermons), I, unlike a lot of these new, fancy-pants Preachers, have the ability to preach pretty much on anything.  

Case in point:

IS THE MASTER YOUR POWER SOURCE?

 

 "YOU CANNOT SERVE 2 MASTERS"

 "WHY MEN SHOULD HAVE SHORT HAIR."

OR:
"JUST BECAUSE JESUS HAD LONG HAIR DOESN'T MEAN EVERYBODY SHOULD.

KEEPING THINGS IN FOCUS...or not.

SUPER HERO, SUPER
FRIEND
(Bible Verse: TBD)


As together we stand and sing.

BP

NEW IDEAS FOR PREACHERS - #1

Sometimes a picture can preach a thousand sermons.

I'm happy when it can Bleach (blog-preach) just one Blermon (blog-sermon); which I BELIEVE is what just happened with the following picture!


Behold...
the Ventriloquist-Preacher!

The lips never move!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHERY STUFF DEFINED

I was recently asked by a Blember (blog-member) of this Blurch (blog-church), 

"BP, what in the world is a Concordance?"

It was an excellent question; and it made me realize that there may be other "Preachery Words" I use on occasion that many of you are unfamiliar with.  

As the magician said to his lovely assistant after the saw trick failed miserably, "My bad."

So in the interest of keeping everyone "together" on this stuff, let me define a few terms...

PULPIT:

From the root word, pulpit-iote-me-wack.  Which literally means: "to pull sinners out of the pit."

HERMENEUTICS:

From the Presidential campaign of 2012.  
Literally: "Herman's NEW idea" Even MORE literally: 9,9,9.

BAPTIZE

From baptizo: to dip, to immerse, to plunge.  See also: "Fun Stuff Preachers Like To Do."

SERMON

The most important part of a well-balanced breakfast.

HOMILY:
A delicious addition to grits.

CONCORDANCE:

I have no idea.  I know it's not a Bible.  And it's heavy.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

REMINDERS TO PREACHERS

If you're gonna be preaching this morning this Blermon's for you.  

I just want to remind you Preachers of a few vitally important things before you mount the pulpit today.  If you AREN'T a Preacher, but KNOW some, make sure they see this before church time.  It'll help.

#1: Don't go too casual.

It's fine to be relaxed, but if it looks like you just came in from cleaning out your garage, it can make your audience think you may know more about rakes than Romans.  On the other hand...

Don't go too much.  NOTE: a GOLD CAPE...is too much.  Especially if it's hooked on by a clasp you saw on "The Real Housewives of Orange County".  You're a Preacher, not a super hero.


#2: Make sure any object lessons you hold up are NOT invisible.

An invisible object lesson isn't as half as effective as an actual object that you can see.  Still don't believe me?  OK - look at this guy's choo choo train...

See what I mean?  Not too effective...

Get REAL props!

#3: Try not to look mad when you preach.  What are you so ticked off about?  You're a preacher for cryin' out loud!  You've got Monday's off!

#4: Never bake and preach at the same time.  It confuses the people.

#5: Don't threaten to strangle people who don't wanna get baptized.  It's their choice.  Wait...this MAY be another invisible illustration.  I can't really tell.  Bottom line: don't do either one.

#6: Use a REAL pulpit!!  You can't pound on this thing, and there's no where to hide stuff.  If this is all you have to preach on, start asking for prayer requests.  That oughtta kill about an hour and then you can make your escape.

#7: When given a choice...

...go microphone.   It's 2011 in case you hadn't noticed.


#8: Whenever possible, avoid preaching from the top of a refrigerator.    

Nowhere in the Bible will you find one example of the Apostle Paul preaching from the top of an appliance.  And lose the lounge singer tux while you're at it.  Make up your mind: sing or preach!

And finally...never underestimate the power of...the BIG FINISH!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SAP: NOT JUST FOR TREES ANYMORE

OK, so maybe it's true...

Maybe sometimes I AM a little too easy to please...

Maybe a bit on the sappy side...

And maybe on occasion I can be just a little bit too much in awe of things that by now should seem commonplace...

I'm not arguing with you on any of that...

You're right...




I'm wrong...

I'm a SAP.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

DEALING WITH COMPLAINTS

Recently I have received several complaints that my blermons have been a bit...sparse.

To which I would respond...

As together we stand and sing.

BP

A PREACHER'S TIME MACHINE

Today has been especially fun.

I thought it was Wednesday all day.

You'd be amazed how many things that can screw up.

Reminds me of that time God stopped the sun.

I love time machines.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

A MOMENT OF SILENCE

I want us all to take just a brief moment to contemplate a couple of things...

First of all, Gidget is again leaving town tomorrow.  Which always means there is no guarantee that I will eat (veggies), exercise, or get my Blermons out on time.  

There's also the whole not wearing pants thing.  But let's not get into that here.

We can only hope she won't be gone for long this time.  As you know, this humble Preacher tends to go a little "native" after so many days on his own. OK,  maybe not "days".  It's more like after 7 minutes of her leaving the driveway.  Sue me.

Let's face it, I require a fair bit of monitoring and gentle correction.  They say Billy Sunday and Moses were the same way.  And secondly...

Is the above drawing a guy praying or some kind of featherless duck?

I really have to stop drawing with the lights on.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PREACHER COOKING

I'm thinking of doing a Preacher Cookbook for Preachers called "Have Ye Not Houses To Eat In?"  It'll be great for folks who know the Bible and like to eat.

It will no doubt have some fig dishes in there, couple of fish recipes, maybe a manna casserole or two.  Fried Chicken?  Are you kidding? 

At the moment (dinner time) I'm willing to include any recipe you'd like to share. Even better, anyone who'd like to email me a pizza RIGHT NOW will not be turned away.  

Better yet, anyone who BRINGS a pizza TO my house in the next 25 minutes, will be greeted with a holy kiss and $500 cash money, on the barrel.

I'm starving.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THOUGHT OF THE DAY #12

I wonder what Joel Olsteen is thinking right now?

Maybe he's wondering what I'M thinking right now. 

That would be weird.  And a little embarrassing.

Oh, hello there, Joel Olsteen.  Welcome to my mind.  I guess you know now that I was thinking about you.  Which, from what I understand, makes two of us.

OK, well...that's about all I have to say, or think at the moment so...why don't you get out of here and go write another book or somethin'.  

As together we stand and sing.

BP

SAVING ADKINS AND BOGDANOVICH

   
Unlike Joel Olsteen or Benny Hinn, I was in a movie yesterday with Trace Adkins and Peter Bogdanovich.  

Guy I'm Better Than

Other Guy I'm Better Than

Which according to MY calculations puts the latest Cool Preacher Non-competitive  Competition at:

Olsteen/Hinn: 

0

Brother Preacher: 

5,323

Let's face it, MOST preachers just can't transition from "humble servant of the Lord" to "international  movie icon" as smoothly as I can.  But as most of you know, I have the uncanny ability to both emote AND evangelize at the same time.  What can I say?  We all have our talents - SOME (like me) just happen to have more than MOST (like Olsteen and Hinn).

Though none of the producers or crew mentioned it when I arrived on the set, the relief in their eyes was obvious.  I was like the "Film Calvary".  I'm glad they kept things low key.  Fuss fuzzies focus.  Unlike the "country singer" and "the guy who made Paper Moon", my performance was going to save the movie, and everybody knew it.

Of course, by the time I reached the set, Adkins and Bogdanovich had already left.  Cowards.  But I can't say that I blame them.  No one wants to be shown up in a movie by a simple, country Preacher.  And especially by a simple country Preacher who is going to single-handedly save an entire motion picture with just 3 lines.  

You read that right...

3 lines.  That's it.  THREE.  

3 lines + BP = Movie salvation.

Surprised?  Oh, come on.  Be serious.  I'm a Preacher, for cryin' out loud.  I'm all about savin' stuff.  I've never actually baptized a movie before but I'm willing to give it a try.

I just realized this is just too big a topic for one Blermon (blog-sermon).  We're gonna have to go Blermon Bleries (sermon series) on this one. 

Sigh...movie, coffee, Blermon Bleries...life just keeps getting better and better.

Hollywood BP

As together we stand and sing.

BP