Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Ask A Preacher

I was recently contacted by a Super Fan of mine who had the courage to ask me this very personal yet vitally important query:

"Brother Preacher, how DO you do it?  
How do you keep such a tight preaching schedule, 
maintain your slim, athletic physique, 
AND pull off a soon-to-be-award-winning-semi-daily-blog-a-sermon 
on a semi-daily basis?!"

It was a great question.  The likes of which, I wish more of YOU would ask me once in a while, instead of the usual load of mediocrity I am forced to sift through every morning.  Let's face it, I get a little weary of answering the same 'ole questions every day.  Who wouldn't?  Most of you ask me stuff like:

"What's with your hair, Preacher?"

"Preacher, don't you owe me some money?"

"You call THAT a sermon?"

It gets old.  But at this point in my blogging career, I guess I gotta take what I can get as far as fans and followers and commenters go.  So, boo-hoo for me.  Lift up thine eyes to the future!  We press on!!  Anyhow...

I understand the questioners confusion.  How DO I do it all?  I know many of you have been wondering the same thing.   A cursory look at the blog entries in my archive will demonstrate that I am able to do more in a 24 hour day  than most preachers do in a 12 day tent revival.  And that's not even counting acing my crossword puzzle obsession every day.

What I am able to accomplish in one day is, in a word: too much to handle.  And mind-boggling.  And amazing.  I almost seem, dare I say it...super human.  Easily above average.  I'm a C+ without even TRYIN'!

I have to admit though, I DON'T  do it all alone. I do have SOME help.  Not so much from on High, but from YOU, the  fans.  I mean members.

Every day since beginning this blog I have received a constant stream of helpful hints and suggestions for blog topics.  Some of which include:

"What's with all the trash on the roads?"

"Why isn't the Final Four called the Final Three to reflect the Trinity?"

"How the heck did Cain and Able have kids without any other girls on the planet?"

"How do you spell Ecclisieastes?  Eccliciates?  Eclisiateees?"

"Was that your picture I saw in the Post Office?"

"Why haven't you answered my question yet?"

As you can see, with all this help from my fans and botherers of this blog I am set for topics to preach on (or should I say "Bl-each on") from now til the COWS come home and THEY start reading my blog.  And cows RARELY read blogs...if EVER.  I don't think cows CAN read.  So that is a long, long time.

So what makes for a "good" question to submit to this blog?

Well first of all, I'd like to point out, THAT question WAS an excellent example of an excellent question.  Make your questions more like "What makes a good question?" and you're already on the right track!  

But to be more specific, what makes a good question for this blog falls into three simple categories:


Why?  Because it's the only language I can really count on knowing at any given time.  

Some of my fans from other countries think they're cute writing me questions in French and German and Spanish.  Which is fine if that's what you wanna do.  I'll just say right now, it's gonna be a while before you see any ANSWER from ME.  That Rosetta Stone thingy is a great program but it is DANG expensive for a Preacher. 

Of course I do read and write ancient Greek to help in my preaching, but as many of you know, I often panic, and make a lot of that up as I go.


This is such an important point.  It is so much easier for me to Bl-each on topics I know SOMETHING about.  Stuff like: the Bible, God, Gilligan's Island, Sega Genesis, Genesis...that kind of thing.  

Stuff I know NOTHING about include: Math and crafts.  Try to steer clear of them.  Finally...


Some of you end your questions with a period or worse yet nothing at all.  It is a barbaric, unpunctuated time in which we live!  One guy ended a question to me with one of these:


Needless to say, I answered him with this:


Which shut him up.  You can't be a Preacher and let people push you around.

So thanks again to all of you for your continued help in bringing you the best in Blog Preaching!  

And remember, if you ever notice this blog starting to lose the quality you've come to expect...you can only blame YOURSELF for all the crappy questions you're submitting.

As together we stand and sing.



  1. I don't know how I do it, M. My best guess? TALENT. Sheer TALENT.

    I hope to teach a Greek class very soon. Gotta track down some Feta cheese first.

  2. Brother Preacher:

    My mother is planning on having a wedding party for my uncle on Easter Sunday. Is it sinful for her to use red and black decorations for the party on this day? Please understand that she has already made the purchase.

  3. Scott asks such an important, wedding-y question.

    First off, I'm wondering why your mother is planning a wedding for your uncle. Seems a little "hill-billy" to me. When my sister planned my wedding it was a disaster. It's theme could have been: Sibling Rivalry On Parade or Why I'm Still Better Than My Big Dumb Brother.

    Secondly, this is clearly NOT your uncle's first time at the rodeo. What is he 70 now? In which case, they can use any colors they want, no one is really paying attention anyhow.

    Finally, whether she has already made the purchase or not, it's always a safe bet to assume that whatever you do, on whatever day, it probably IS sinful. Just as a good rule of thumb.