MAILBAG #2

 Well, it's time once again to reach into the 'ole mailbag and see what the BlembersTM (blog-members) of this BlongregationTM (blog-congregation) have been saying recently in the comments section of this BlurchTM (blog-church).  So, it's not REALLY a mailbag.  Everybody understand?  Be cool.  Here we go.

First off, we go to an old favorite The Wolfman; who wrote this comment in response to my BlermonTM entitled "Blishionary JourneyTM", where I referenced the WWF.  Wolfman howls:

"If you are going to reference a wrestling organization, be sure and update your database. It is no longer the WWF (unless you means the World Wildlife Fund...may still apply to your comment anyway). it is now the WWE, World Wrestling Entertainment. As a BlishionaryTM, you should keep up to date with current cultural collaborations of cataclysmic character."

As always, Wolfman can come off just a little "know-it-all-look-I-just-got-my-braces off-my-teeth-straight-A student-y" on his comments (C students make the best  Preachers, by the way). I think it has to do with him bein' a Wolfman.   Still, he makes a valid point.  WWF does indeed stand for World Wildlife Fund - which was exactly what I was referring to.  So...there.


Rose (who has a fantastic blog of her own - check out) had this to say about Gidget's movie boyfriend, Daniel Craig in response to my BlermonTM: Ain't A That Good News, Yes, It Is:

"Daniel Craig? No, thanks; he has not captured my attention in the slightest. I'm on your side for this one; I certainly wouldn't be goo-gooing over him."

If I gave out prizes for comments, this comment would be getting a washer and dryer.  I think I will sew it onto a quilt and put it on Gidget's side of the bed.

Next, we have a comment from a frequent and vocal BlemberTM of this BlongregationTM, Aesaint; who had this to say about my Thought Of The Day #6 where I wrote: "I wonder if I'll ever think of another Blermon."  Aesaint writes: 

"My husband is the 'urologist to the stars' AND gives discounts to clergy." 

I have no idea why Aesaint felt the need to tell me that information considering I was yakkin' about BlermonTM topics, - but it's always good to know a capable Urologist as well as where I can get a discount.  So, thanks.  I'll be by later this week.

Another frequent BlemberTM, Rcorely wrote this in response to my BlermonTM, "Happy Muesday":

"Another instant, miraculous transformation: reading this blog makes me feel smart! That is amazing"

I agree, it IS amazing that this blog does ANYthing at all.  By the way, those of you NOT mentioned in this week's mailbag - take note: compliments will get you everywhere. 

In "The Parable Of 2 Pizzas" I wrote something...though  I really cant remember what it was right now...that prompted new BlemberTM Hamzdad to reply:   

"Thank you Lord for Pizza Hut!"

Between you and me, I don't think Hamzdad even read my BlermonTM that day.  But I have to agree - PH makes a pretty mean thin crust.  So, no foul.

In response to my award-winning BlermonTM, "When Dad Caught Bonnie and Clyde", Deacon Giff wrote

"Great story BP. Love, love, loved it!"

As I said before: compliments...everywhere.

New Blember Lisa M read "Gidget: Marriage Guru" and wrote:

Rough feet are one thing, but singing to sleep? Who are you kidding. We know you were snoring to beat the band. Come on BP, confession is good for the soul,and you have got to clear your conscience. Fess up. Gidget was threatening to stuff those sweat socks in your mouth if you didn't stop your supposed 'singing'! You are driving her nuts. We know the truth. She is only letting you think that she's driving you nuts. Goodness. We all know, you were like that as a teen.

Keep living in your lala land though. We wives know the real story.

Wow.  I don't know about you, but I feel like I've been in the losing side of a street fight.  Clearly, Gidget got to Lisa and promised to make her President of her fan club, "Mouthy Friends of Gidget".  I'm doomed.

Finally, we have something from new BlemberTM, CS in response to "The Smart Guys" blermon:

 "Brother Preacher!! Why did I not know about the Malibu Fight Night? I, of all people -- I who witnessed your first miracle, The Wiping Up Of Coffee With a Plastic Bag during Moonshine rehearsal." 

I haven't thought about that miracle in years.  I was fantastic.  Wish you ALL could have been there.

as together we stand and sing

BP

GIDGET: MARRIAGE GURU

Sometimes Gidget scares me to death.  

The other day my wife, Gidget, started tellin' me about this time, a few years ago, when the two of us went on a vacation to Peru.  We met some friends there, went hiking, saw Machu Picchu, and then later ate some fried bananas on a beach.  

While we were there, she got food poisoning, and I got a pretty bad sunburn that landed both of us in the Emergency Room.  

It all ended OK though, when the Doctor who treated us both, offered to let us stay at his Villa that overlooked the ocean for nothing for 2 weeks.  Despite the 2 days of illness, it was without a doubt, a trip of a lifetime.

Unfortunately, I had absolutely NO memory of this trip whatsoever.  I was terrified.  Naturally, I assumed I was experiencing early stages of something terrible.  

So I started popping vitamin C and fish pills like they were Skittles.  Then I started making "sticky" notes to remind me who Gidget was and who I was and where I lived and then slapped the notes all over the house.  

I was devastated.

Then a couple of weeks later, I was telling a friend the sad tale of how I had absolutely NO memory of this clearly fantastic trip to Peru with my wife, when Gidget walked in.

"What are you talking about?"  she said.

"I'm telling Bruce about that trip to Peru I can't remember being on."

"Peru?" she said.  "You were never on a trip to Peru!  That was me and my SISTER!  I got food poisoning and she got this really bad sunburn.  Terrible.  Why on earth would you think you went on that trip?"

She's going to drive me nuts.

She does the same thing with movies I've never seen, books I've never read, and dogs we've either had or not had.

"What do you MEAN you don't remember Fluffy? He went to Peru with us!  Fluffy LOVED Machu Picchu."

Sometimes Gidget will suddenly rearrange everything in the kitchen cupboards for no reason, making me feel like I'm visiting an old friend's house for the first time.  I recognize the dishes, but have NO idea where I found them or what they're for.  

She'll put the bath towels where we used to keep the drill.  The drill ends up in the freezer next to the frozen peas.

One time I went to get the checkbook and found a drawer full of yarn.  You can't pay bills with yarn.

Then last night I crawled into bed next to her and she said, 

"You're feet are so ROUGH!  They feel like sweat socks!  You have GOT to start using some lotion, or get a pedicure, or BOTH!"

I felt terrible, apologized profusely and then sang her to sleep.  

Then I reached down and took off my SOCKS, revealing my perfectly smooth, gorgeous feet.

I was so confused I couldn't sleep for 2 hours.

The good news is this kind of thing can be great for a marriage.  Makes you feel like a newlywed and an Alzheimer's patient all at the same time.  Either way, you really start paying attention to each other again.  You HAVE to, otherwise you'll never find the towels.  

Its kinda like dating again - if you dated somebody who kept hiding your coffee mug from you, and told you that you used to work on an alligator farm.  Every day is a new day to be spent trying to figure out who the heck you're married to now.

I love Gidget.

She's going to drive me NUTS, but I love her.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THOUGHT OF THE DAY #7:

Thought of the Day:

"I wonder exactly how many people know what a 'Tract Rack' is?"

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THE DUNKER

I love to baptize.

I mean REAL baptize not that hootie tootie stuff some Preachers do these days.  

I mean REAL baptize.  The kind John The Baptist did.  The kind Charlton Heston did while PLAYING John the Baptist in that movie.   

I mean baptize from the Greek word: Baptizo.  Which means to dip, to plunge, to immerse. 

I mean the DUNKIN'-GO Baptizin'. Like a strawberry in chocolate.

I love it.

There is something about the whole process that I find thrilling.  Of course, there's the spiritual aspect, but let's face it: it just feels good to do.  Especially in the summertime.  Or after a tough game of Capture The Flag.

I'm talking about how it feels to have those waders on, dip somebody backwards into the water, then just hold them down there for a while, as that cool, refreshing baptismal water slowly funnels over the edge of your waders and down into your shoes then slowly filling everything up to just above your clip-on cell phone.  

Talk about refreshing.  Talk about exciting.  Talk about wet.  And they say church is no fun.

What other activity slowly douses every part of your body on the way down so perfectly - shirt, tie, pants, underwear, even my pocket flannel graph Disciples can't escape the "Baptismal Flood" that unleashes itself in my waders.  I come out lookin' like I've been skinny dippin' in my Preachin' clothes and SOUNDING like I'm stompin' grapes.  

Accountants have no idea what I'm talkin' about.  And movie stars?  Please.  This is a "Preacher Thing," girlfriend.  And by "girlfriend" I mean Gidget before we were married, of course.

Most Preachers foolishly try to avoid this "situation".  They think it's undignified.  That somehow if you come out of a baptism lookin' like a rain-soaked groundhog you did something wrong.  Not me. I welcome it.  To me, it feels like a summer storm on parched ground - in waders. To see a Preacher wetter than the person he just baptized means he really LOVES being a Preacher.  And playin' in water.

Over the years I've had a number of baptizing adventures.  I got hypothermia baptizin' in a frozen lake in Colorado.  I nearly drowned a lady who refused to put her hands over her nose so that I'd have an "arm-handle" to pull her back up with (so I was forced to just grab her by the throat and body-dunk her.  It wasn't pretty). I lost a "big guy" on a river one time right as I laid him onto his back.  Big guys WILL float on ya.  He nearly made it all the way to St. Louis.

I used to preach in a Car Wash.  You'd think that'd be GREAT for baptizing.  It is not.  Oh, you might get a nice sprinkling in.  Maybe a light waxing.  But a good, old-fashioned "dunk the drunk baptize" is tough to pull off.

When I baptize I like to hold 'em down there for a while.  Make sure I get full coverage.  Oh sure, they struggle for a little bit, at the beginning - that's natural.  They're usually a little skittish 'cause they think they're gonna die.  Or that you are TRYING to kill them.  But they calm down once they start to lose consciousness.  

There IS a danger of holding them down there too long though - in which case - they get to heaven quicker.  I guess.  So...no harm, no foul.

The biggest trouble with baptizing is that you never really get enough of them to do.  It's kinda like Snipe huntin'.  Everybody talks about HAVING DONE it, and HAVING SEEN it, but most of the time I just end up runnin' around in a cornfield, twirlin' a flashlight in my pillowcase over my head and yellin' "Whoop!  Whoop!  Whoopy- whoop!  Snipe-y, snipe-y, Whoop, whoop!"

That's only worked twice.  For snipes, not baptizing.  

I love baptizing.  

As together we stand and sing.

BP

AIN'T A THAT GOOD NEWS? YES, IT IS.

World's Greatest

Philippians 4:8 says this:

Finally, brethren, 

whatsoever things are true, 

whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, 

whatsoever things are pure, 

whatsoever things are lovely, 

whatsoever things are of good report; 

if there be any virtue, 

and if there be any praise, 

think on these things.

Let's face it, some days life just stinks.  

But I have found over the years that even in the stinkiest of times (which is the working title of my next book, by the way: Stinky Times, Smelly People - What The World Needs Less Of), even in the stinkiest times, I have noticed there is always a little sliver of "Good Things Car Wash Deodorizer" to hang on the rear view mirror of life. 

There are always good things mixed in with the bad.  All we have to do is simply extract the good thing from the pile of stinky-ness, rinse it off (or in some cases sterilize it), hang it, and begin sniffing in the calming, flowery odors.

So let's start with me.

Good Thing #1: Wife is returned!

I know many of you were concerned about Gidget's recent semi-sudden disappearance from a couple of days ago. I appreciated all the comments of support I received here and on Facebook.  Though I have to say, I wasn't CRAZY about all the "goo-gooin'" some of you did over Daniel Craig.  Really coulda done without that.  It's bad enough Gidget has his poster in the bathroom, now I have to read all that mess from you?  Please.

By the way, thanks for the heads up on the news that Daniel Craig may be doing a movie where he plays a PREACHER.  I have already notified the proper authorities to have that film boycotted before it even comes out.

Anyhow...

Gidget is back home safe and sound.  Actually she was here the whole time.  Apparently, I was not.  After our trip to California, I had accidentally returned to our neighbor's house instead of ours and set up shop.  Gidget was in our house lookin' for me.  

Imagine our neighbor's surprise when THEY got home last night and found ME there eating left over chicken in his pajamas and watching TV Land.  

We all had a good laugh over it.  Well, I laughed.  They were kinda steamed.

Our neighbors have a great pool table, by the way.  Though I liked it better when I thought it was ours.  


Anyhow...WIFE NOT DEAD OR RUN OFF WITH MOVIE STAR is a GOOD thing.


Good thing #2: I will be preaching next week at the world-famous Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, Tennessee right before the great Ricky Skaggs performs.  Here's a link to the show...I mean sermon:

http://www.ryman.com/event/detail/BG_RickySkaggs.html

As you know, anytime I can "get my preach on" it's a good day.  I hope the Ryman is set up for multiple baptisms.  That place holds about 2000 people.  So, we're probably gonna need a filter of some kind on whatever portable baptistery they come up with.  2000 people can leave quite a "ring" if you know what I mean.  

I'm pretty sure everyone will wanna be baptized that night.  I will be preaching on the topic: Get Baptized, Win $10,000."  It's a VERY effective sermon.  Hope Skaggs can spring for the dough.

Ricky.  Also pictured: his guitar.

Finally, Good Thing #3:

I just finished my BlermonTM! 

Wow.  That was easy.  Got some free time now.

I may go see a Daniel Craig flick this afternoon...and boycott it.

As together we stand and sing.

BP.

GIDGET, TWIZZLERS AND DANIEL CRAIG

Well this is embarrassing.  Apparently, I have lost my wife.

I don't mean that she's left me or anything like that. I mean, I can't physically find her.

She was with me when we left Malibu (after I destroyed the scholars with my superior preaching at that conference).   

I know she was with me when we played Caveman and Cave Wife on those big, cement dinosaurs in Arizona.  

And I'm pretty sure she was still with me at the mall in Colorado when we stopped for Twizzlers.  I'm SURE of that one because I  would have NEVER stopped for Twizzlers on my own.  I'm a fig guy.  Like they say, "Figs: The Bible-y snack."

But then when I woke up this morning I realized that she was NOT here.  Anywhere.  I guess this explains why my private eye business went nowhere.  

Then it dawned on me, that she was not  here yesterday or the day before either.

Now let's not all get excited.  I don't suspect foul play or that Gidget has suddenly decided to run off with the Dinosaur Keeper. My assumption is that this has something to do with Twizzlers.  And Daniel Craig.

She loves those Twizzler things and will do almost anything to have them. She also loves that Daniel Craig guy.  You know, the new James Bond guy?  Funny, I always thought he was the fat guy in the Austin Powers movies.  She assures me he was not.  I know she's wrong.  That Daniel Craig can eat.

Anyhow, so my guess is that when we stopped at that mall for the Twizzlers, she went to the movie place in the mall to get some, then saw that DC was starring in something there,  went in to see both DC and the Twizzlers, and has been trapped by movie love and red dye #2 for the last 3 days.

Let's put it this way...it wouldn't be the first time. 

So, I guess I'll head back there to find her.  Though I feel like Daniel Craig should probably do it.  After all, it's his fault. I have never seen a guy who just can't seem to keep his shirt on for 5 minutes.  

It'd never work between Daniel and Gidget anyhow.  He'd never appreciate Gidget the way I do, for one.  And secondly, while she might be happier running around the world with an international movie star and spy, instead of with me in a portable pulpit/van playin' on cement dinosaurs, I know that SHE knows I can preach Daniel Craig under the Communion Table any day of the week.  And I WILL too.  

And THAT, my friends, is Gidget's soft, white underbelly.  The woman is koo koo krazy for good preachin'.  Who isn't?

So watch yourself, Craig.  

PS - I'd take Roger Moore ANY day of the week.  THAT guy knew how to keep his shirt on.

In the meantime, do me a favor and don't let Gidget know that I didn't notice she was missing  the last couple of days.  I just thought she was doin' a crossword puzzle.

And as far as this particluar BlermonTM (blog-sermon) goes, let's just file it under "announcements" for now.  

I don't recall any Bible stories about Twizzlers right off hand.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Something else DC can't do better than me...in a suit!

A TIME TO BE MOODY

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, says this... 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: 

a time to be born and a time to die, 

a time to plant and a time to uproot, 

a time to kill and a time to heal, 

a time to tear down and a time to build, 

a time to weep and a time to laugh..."

Blah blah, blah...you get it. This one goes one for a while, and for some reason I just don't feel like readin' the whole thing right now.  Trust me.  You'll thank me later.  Anyhow...


When I DO have the time and desire to actually read this whole passage, I must say, it is one of my favorites.  What a wonderful thought it is to realize that there is "a time" for everything.  To know that everything eventually changes, that nothing in life ever stays exactly the same. 

I don't know about you but I find great comfort in that fact.  Well, when things are goin' BAD I do.  When things are goin' GREAT...this is a real DRAG of a verse. 

What's even weirder is when I'm havin' a day like today.  Today I seem to be havin' ALL the seasons at once.  It may be a medication problem.  By THAT I mean, I may NEED some medication, which I DON'T have and that is a PROBLEM.

I can't seem to stay focused on...

Anyhow...

Who?

I am so bored.  

Why is everyone lookin' at me?  Can't a guy have a nice, private cryin' jag in the middle of Starbucks without everybody gawkin' at him?!

I LOVE the Rifleman!  

Look!


OK, I'm back.  For a short time, anyhow.  

Whew.  This is exhausting.

The only guy I know who's had this experience in the Bible was probably the crazy, demon possessed guy.  Jesus took the demons out of him and put 'em into some unsuspecting pigs who promptly threw themselves off a cliff.

I'm not suggesting I'm demon-possessed, of course.  Let's just say I wouldn't be UNhappy if I suddenly came across a bunch of pigs and a cliff right now.

I think I had too much iced coffee.  

Why won't these pictures load onto this blog this morning?

Gotta make my Christmas list.

Personally, I kinda like speeding through all the seasons of life in one 5 minute period.  Saves time.

But makes my neck hurt.

Can't wait to see what happens next.

As together we stand and sing.

BP