Monday, October 31, 2011

TRICK OR PREACHER


I realize that many of you will soon be heading out to do a little Trick or Treating. I also realize that others of you will be trying to make the Trick or Treaters feel like they're doing something wrong simply by GOING Trick or Treating.

To those of you in the latter group (many of whom I suspect are Grumpy Elders) I would simply say this: No candy for you.

For the rest of you, I want to give a couple of costume tips for your big night out.  Assuming, of course, that you have decided to go as a Preacher.  By the way - you're gonna cash in tonight - people love givin' stuff to Preachers.  


From: "So You Want To be A Preacher"
TIP #1 - There's nothing magic about going "Classic".  Works every time: dark suit, checkered tie, white shirt, frame less glasses, conditional smile (that gets bigger after a baptism).  The only way to improve THIS costume... 


A real pro
TIP #2 - Add a Bible and wave your arms like a maniac.  Now THAT's A Preacher!  Amen?!


First down!
TIP#3 - If you go for the big stick...










"T" is for "Take this off and put on a suit."
You have to include the "hoodie" with a "t" on it.  That's...kind of a rule.


No.
TIP #4 - NO HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!!!!  How many times do I have to say this?!!  If you wear this, eventually you'll be doing THIS...
Preachers DON'T walk on water
And nobody wants to see THAT.


Shake your God thing
TIP #5 - No silk shirts from 1978.  This is a church, not a disco.  And stand UP for cryin' out loud!!


Bond...PREACHER Bond
TIP #6 - Oh please...be serious.








CAN lower cholesterol
TIP #7 - Hats don't work on Preachers.  Unless you're selling oatmeal.


Finally...study this next picture and just do the opposite of everything you see here...
NO dogs...or whatever that is.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Thursday, October 27, 2011

MAKING SURE

Matthew
Mark
Luke (and)
John
Acts (and the letter to the)
Romans
First and Second Corinthians
Galatians (and)
Ephesians
Philippians
Colossians
 First and Second Thessalonians
First and Second Timothy
Titus (and)
Philemon
Hebrews
James
First and Second Peter
First and Second and Third John
Jude (and)
Revelation

Sometimes I just like to make sure I still got it.  

Me in Books of the Bible mode

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

TIME OUT


A good friend of mine just sent me this rather...disturbing bit of news:



I think I need to lie down.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

QUESTION OF THE DAY


Can you Bleach (blog-preach) in your sleep?

What?  Sorry.  I think I dozed off.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Monday, October 24, 2011

BP IS ME


We’ve all known our share of preachers over the years.  I know I have.  Some I’ve liked, some have been responsible for some of the most important moments in my life - and a few have gotten on my ever last nerve. 


What can say?  It happens.  No matter what anybody wants to believe, in the end, Preachers are just people.  And sometimes people can be downright annoying. 

The one thing that I always loved about Preachers when I was a kid was the fact that a lot of ‘em back then used to go by letters instead of names. 

There was A.C. Clausen, D.B. Sweeny, W.P. McKnight.  I mean, come on - how cool is THAT?  You’d NEVER call one of these guys “Brian” or “Mike”.  They were D.W., J.C., or Brother N.B.  - I defy you to try to pick a fight with a guy called Brother N.B.  Sounds like a Christian rap artist...or a sit-com.  Possibly a serial killer. 

The fact that these old-timey Preachers used to go by letters instead of names is probably one of the reasons I often go by B.P. now.  I love being called letters.  I also love pretending to be an oil company.  So either way, it works for me.

Now don’t get me wrong - I LOVE my name.  I am so very proud that my mother in her wisdom named me the name of the very thing I would one day grow up to be: a Preacher.  

 And let’s face it - there weren’t TOO many kids in my grade NAMED “Preacher”.  There WAS a kid named Jack Hammer Operator but he only went to school there one semester.  He was a loud kid. Anyhow...

I wish more people would go by letters instead of whole names these days.  If you ask me, it is a practice whose time has come.  What with all the LOLs and ROLFs and IWTHPOSDACYMs (I went to the post office, start dinner and call your mother).

ATWSAS (As together we stand and sing).   

BP

Sunday, October 23, 2011

PRESIDENT PREACHER

I suppose if I wasn't a Preacher, I'd probably have to run for President.

I wouldn't wanna BE President, I just think I'd like running part.  After all, I love giving speeches (preaching), riding buses (joy bus), and corn dogs (the best church potlucks ALWAYS have corn dogs).  

I'm a pretty good debater too.  Last year I debated one of our semi-borderline brethren on the topic:  "Who is A Semi-Borderline Brother?"  I destroyed him.  He never saw it comin'.

I think the hardest part for most of these guys running for President now is the preaching part.  Let's face it, most of them aren't very good at it, and the few that ARE considered good at it, aren't that good either - they're just better than the others.  It's a low bar.  I'd kill.

The biggest problem is all these non-preacher candidates don't know how to put a sermon together.  

This is why Herman Cain (the part-time preacher) is getting so much traction right now.
Herman: In "Preacher" mode

999?  Are you kiddin' me?  Not only does that thing "preach" - it'll preach itself. 

I don't even know what it means, and I don't care.  Ever since I heard him talk about it, all I can do is imagine seeing it on a a big 'ole bed sheet at a tent revival.  I may have to steal this idea.  It's too good.  Of course when I do it it'll be a more Bible-y number.  Like 40, 40, 40 or maybe 7, 7, 7.  6,6,6 has been done, done, done - so that's out.

999 was clearly thought up by a Preacher.  I mean look: it's got three points, they all start with the same letter, and you could make the case that they all "rhyme"; if you count saying the same word 3 times as rhyming.

They better watch out for Preacher Herman.  Us preachers may not know much about how to be a President, but if one of us ever makes it all the way to the Oval Office...

Get your dunk on!

...I know a certain reflecting pool that had better watch it's back.  Can somebody say...

"Baptize-a-palooza"? 

As together we stand and sing.


BP



 

Saturday, October 22, 2011

BLERMUDA TRIANGLE

I know many of you are wondering...


What happened to Friday's Blermon (blog-sermon)?  

Is it OK?  Has it been absconded?  Was it Blermon-napped?  Did Joel Olsteen have anything to do with this caper? 

Well, between you and me, I wouldn't put it past him.  I think it's pretty much common knowledge that Olsteen has been secretly coveting this Blurch (blog-church) and my powerful Blermons (blog-sermons) for months now.  

I know that makes some of you mad when I say that about Joel.  But hey, don't get mad at me, I'm just the messenger.  If you have a problem with this "Olsteen Blermon Conspiracy", perhaps you should head down to Texas and have a chat with Mr. Olsteen about it - I'm just sayin'...he LOOKS guilty.  


All I know is, it was my understanding that yesterday's Blermon was "in the can" and ready to go.  So naturally, I went about my other important Preacher duties (concordance shopping, sniffing out heretics, sermon gesture practice).

Imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning and saw that there was NO Blermon yesterday.  I broke out in a cold sweat and had to take a pedicure. 

You say, "Preacher, lighten up!  It was just one day without your award-winning Blermon.  Who cares?"

Oh, really?  Well, I don't know if you noticed but I missed just ONE day of Bleaching and what happened?  Oh nothing much.  Just...

...Libya falling into the hands of  rebels!  

And some of you think I'm just sittin' here typing at myself.  Face it: My Blermons are powerful stuff.

I just wish I could figure out what happened.  Perhaps I should reconsider the terrifying stories I used to hear Preachers tell back at the Sunshine School Of Preaching about mysterious disappearing sermon areas called: "Sermuda Triangles".

Sermons that were ready to go and in a Preacher's Bible would suddenly go missing right as the Preacher mounted the pulpit.  A lot of guys lost their jobs.  A lot of Song Leaders had to conduct "Emergency Singings".  It wasn't pretty. 

Of course,  in this case it would be a "Blermuda Triangle", I guess.

I just got a chill down my back.  I wish my wife Gidget was here.

As together we stand and sing.

BP
Is Joel in THIS picture?  We may never know.