Sunday, May 22, 2011


The New Zealand Telegraph reports:  

Apocalypse not right now: 'Rapture' end of world fails to materialize

Reports of the end of the world appeared to have been exaggerated today.

Judgment Day Believers Proclaim May 21 Is Day Of Armageddon. New York: Doomsayers predict apocalypse now
From the New Zealand Telegraph

Well, THIS is embarrassing.

Like the old saying goes,  

We live.

We mis-predict the end of the world.


In case you were wondering, obviously, the world has NOT ended.  Saturday, May 21st was basically - just Saturday.  Which would make today, just Sunday. 

The earth is still spinning, Charlie Sheen is still winning,  and for now, life goes on as always.

Which is not great news for me, considering the fact that I have been messin' around all week, assuming I was going to Heaven on Saturday and wasn't going to need to prepare a BlermonTM (blog-sermon) for today let alone a sermon for church this morning.  

Now here we are lookin' at a big, fat, lesson-free SUNDAY and...oh never mind.  It's really not your problem.  I'm in trouble.  Hope I can remember where I stuck those dang Army Guys.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH - boy, this blog page is harder to fill than I remembered.

Listen, how was I supposed to know that this whole "end of the world on May 21st" thing was based on some ancient Mayan stuff? At least I think it was.  


Maybe THIS "end of the world" thing was from that old guy out in California.  Oh, whatever.  Who cares? Whoever it was, they were WRONG!

By the way, am I the only one who always thought Mayans were some sort of Baptists? Or maybe a Methodist splinter group?

Maybe I was thinkin' Mayans were Mormons.  I LOVE Mormons.  Though when you think "Mormon" you don't usually think "end times expert".  You think:  
Great families.
Great health.
FanTAStic bike riders.

Well, I do anyway.

Anyhow - if I offended any of you this week with all my "straighten up or burn" BlermonsTM, I want you to know, I'm sorry.   Sort of.  

Look, I simply did what Preachers are SUPPOSED to do. I was just trying to get you to NOT burn in HELL for an eternity.  

So sue me. 

NO, don't do that - I wanna make sure I still have a job first.

Bottom line: My straight forward, run and gun, style seems WEIRD to you because THESE days Preachers simply don't preach that way.  These days Preachers tend to be a cross between a soggy rice cake and a cruise ship bingo coordinator.  They try to keep you busy with parties and games and feeling good about yourself so you don't notice that YOUR SHIP IS SINKING. 

Not me.  I'm old school.  I'll tell you the bad news about the ship, whether you wanna hear it or not.  But then afterwards, I'll also run a pretty fantastic bingo game.

Listen, you could do worse than ME for a Preacher.  What am I saying?  Many of you already DO do worse!

Some of your Preachers don't care about you enough to shake the dust off your ears once in a while and just let it rip.  I care enough to badger you every day for a WEEK.

Some of YOUR Preachers just want you to LIKE them and shake their butter-soft hand at the end of the sermon and tell them how "Billy Graham-great" they are.

For the record, I HATE shaking hands.  Though I LOVE Billy.  But  I couldn't care less about being liked.  

That does NOT apply to Gidget, of course.  I have to LIVE with her.  As the great Jeff Allen says, "Happy wife, happy life."

Look - I goofed.  These things happen in Preaching.  It's why a lot  of guys go into brain surgery instead - less pressure.  And no Ladies Bible Class.  Cowards.

At least I CARED enough about you to tell you  that you happened to be Hell-bound.  

Which is more than I can say for those wimpy Preachers who talk nice all the time and yet never REALLY SAY  anything that MATTERS.  

At least I SAY stuff. And it OFTEN matters.  Well, maybe not often, but SOMEtimes it does.

You get it.

Look, I'd love to chat more but I gotta go make up a sermon on the fly now.  Got church in about an hour.  I am in a REAL mess.  

I didn't get the bulletin out yet either.  

The Elders are gonna freak.  Oh, so what's new?

As together we stand and sing.


Coming Soon...


1 comment:

  1. Okay, so maybe it was a mistake, but I rather enjoyed waking up to singing birds rather than, you know... hoofbeats of Horsemen...