CHURCH SHOPPING

 I’ve always been amused by the idea of people “church shopping.” Ask somebody, “So where do you go to church?”

They say, “We’re not anywhere right now.  Just kinda shopping around.”

Shopping around?  Really?  What a great concept.  Shopping is different that “searching” or “seeking” or “thirsting” for some truth that makes sense.  Shopping is...something else. 

Whenever somebody says they’re “shopping around for churches” I always imagine them suckin’ on a big fruit smoothie, walking through a huge mall filled with churches.  Each “mall church” has a wall-sized mall store window in the front with signs in them advertising their latest and greatest spiritual feature:

“Try Our Padded Pews!  Now With Massage Rollers!”

“Join Now, No Tithing Till 2014!”

“Cool Music, Easy Sermons, Great Food...Why Pray Anywhere Else?!”

They shop til they find something they like, something they’re comfortable with.  Others kinda mix and match: some music from this one, some teaching from that, maybe a little decorating from that one - those types NEVER really land anywhere, but are forever “shopping”.

Yes, shopping is different from searching or seeking or thirsting...it’s more casual, pickier, more consumer-friendly.  Shopping says, “What’dya got?  Make me laugh.  Entertain me.  If I like what I see, maybe we can make a deal.  If not, I'll move on till something strikes my fancy.”

But searching, seeking, thirsting...that’s... different.

As together we stand and sing.  

BP

CHRISTMAS AND THE PREACHER

 

Whew!  Well, THAT was a close one!  But hey!  You made it!   So take some time and give yourself a nice, well-deserved pat on the back!  You made it through another Christmas and you aren’t in jail OR the looney bin! 

Considering what the Holiday season has become in recent years - this is actually quite an accomplishment.

The presents, the mounds of honey-baked whatever-it-is, and the full-contact shop-a-mania are finally over and done with for another year.  You are FREE!  All that pressure about who’s going to who’s house, and what to get Aunt Tiddler has also past. 

So live it up!  Pull the over-flowing trashcans filled with once-used wrapping paper and discarded worthless packaging to the street, get those lights off the house, and the reindeer out of the yard and for once in 2 months let’s order some pizza for dinner instead of turkey. 

Why not? Look, Christmas is OVER, let’s try to enjoy ourselves again.  It’s the LEAST we can do. 

Let’s lose of the “Happy Holidays” greeting and get back to the more comfortable:  “HEYYY!” or “THERE he is!” or  “HEYYY...there he is...YOU!” 

Let’s wear sweaters we’d LOVE to be caught dead in - instead the ones with all the snowflakes and snowmen and bells on ‘em.  Let’s play some Springteen and Pavorotti in the stores again for cryin’ out loud.

Christmas is over!  So we can lose the crowded, silly, mindless, worried, guilty, stressed out schedule we’ve been on the last few months and get back to living and treating each other like human beings again!

After all...it IS Christmas.  

Well...it WAS anyway.  You get it.

As together we stand and sing.           

BP

CHECK THIS OUT (ex-shite-ing):

BIBLE FLIP SCIPT: RED STUFF

 

Well, it’s time once again for another episode of Bible Flip Script! 

This is when I just flip my Bible open, fling my finger down on a verse and then just preach whatever verse my finger happens to land on.  It is considered by many to be some of the most exciting preaching I do.  Personally, I think the MOST exciting preaching I do is whenever I tie myself to the back of a wild boar and do a power point on the book of Leviticus.  But...to each his own.

OK, I am flipping...and flinging....and BOOM!

OK, today’s Bible Flip Script comes to us from the book of Genesis chapter 25, verse 30 where it says, “He said to Jacob, ‘Let me eat some of that red stuff, because I am exhausted.’”

You know it’s not too often that I am given the opportunity to preach on the subject of Bible hot sauce.  Not that I shy away from food preaching.  Far from it.  As many of you know I’ve preached on Splenda many times, and I have been known to throw down a little lesson or two on the spiritual power of waffles.  But hot sauce doesn’t come along nearly as often as I’d like.

And yet, here we have a specific Biblical text for it!  The story of Jacob and Esau! 

Feeling tired like Esau?  Worn down?  Had a rough day?  Have a couple spoonfuls of “the red stuff” like they did in Bible times and you’ll be feeling like yourself in no time! 

Of course, you’ll also end up losing the blessing from your father and selling your birthright to your deceitful, conniving little brother, and in pretty much screw up a lot of your life, but hey -  at least you won’t feel groggy.

Hot sauce...it’s in the Bible...I think. 

As together we stand and sing.

BP

I like to watch this once a day...don't you?

HEAVEN'S DOWNSIDE

 

I was sittin’ around thinkin’ about Heaven the other day...

...this is not unusual for Preachers, by the way.  It’s kinda like bein a Librarian and sittin' around thinkin’ about books, or bein’ an astronaut and eatin’ peanut butter out of a tube...some things you do just because of your job.  Anyhow...

I was sittin’ around thinkin’ about Heaven: the golden streets, the pearly gates, the mountains and mountains of never-ending edible chocolate church buildings (hey a guy can DREAM, can’t he?  I love Willie Wonka) when I remembered what I heard a preacher say one time about Heaven.

He said that one of the great things about Heaven would be the fact that it would be a place where we could year after year, eon after eon, for ever and ever spend time with our family.

Our family.  For all eternity.  Together.  At last.  ForEVER. Just us.  Wow.  That is...quite a concept. Are you kiddin’?

Look, between you and me - I don’t know that the thought of spending an ETERNITY with THE FAMILY - and by that I mean MY family is necessarily what I would call a “motivator” as far as the Heaven thing goes for ANY of us.  And anybody who says it IS a motivator, clearly hasn’t met certain members of my family.

I’m not sayin’ they’re bad people, or that I don’t want to see them IN Heaven - I’m just saying that there are SOME of us IN the family who have discovered that there are SOME family functions that are often enjoyed better when SOME members of the family fail to come to SOME of the family functions - and I’m ASSUMING Heaven might be the same way, that’s all.

Now that I think of it - maybe  that's how it should be anyhow.  Maybe the "family reunion aspect" we often place on the idea of Heaven wasn't ever supposed to be the reason we wanted to "go to Heaven".  Maybe there was a "bigger" point to the whole thing.

That being said...Cousin Carl...Heaven or not, that restraining order is still in effect.  Stay away from me.

Merry Christmas, everybody! 

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

AND DON'T FORGET...it's not too late to get your Preacher a copy of my new CD.  My guess is, your Preacher could really use some new material to steal from.   He do it for you.  If they HAD CDs for Blurches.

DIRTY GLASSES

 

You know...hold on.  Just gimme a second.  My glasses are just filthy.  It’s drivin’ me nuts.

For those of you who are not Preachers or do not wear glasses - or both...you probably aren’t gonna understand why having dirty glasses is so frustrating and frankly...dangerous when it comes to preaching.  To say nothing of Bleaching.

So in the interest of professional, big-time preaching, I’m gonna take some time right now to clean these glasses before I continue - so gimme just a minute.

To see clearly, is to preach clearly.  To preach with fingerprints and French Fry residue all over the place is to preach...whatever...what is this on here?!

Lucky for me, I always have a travel glasses cleaner kit tucked inside my travel Bible, which I keep in my travel preachin’ suit, which kinda slides into my Portable Pulpit.  I’m what you call a “Prepared Preacher” - except when it comes to my sermons.  I pretty much just wing those.

Give a little spray there.  And another little spray there.  And...well, gettin’ better.  Not quite there yet, but gettin’ better.

This kinda reminds me of the story in the Bible when the blind man came to Jesus asking for healing.  Jesus spit in the ground, made some mud, rubbed the mud on the man’s eyes and said, “How do you see now?”  “Looks like a bunch of trees walkin’ around,” said the man.

So Jesus repeated the process and THIS time...the man could see clearly.

You see, first you have to KNOW you aren’t seeing, and then you have to do whatever it takes to correct the situation.  Be it miracle, spray or Lasik surgery.

In THIS case...it's spray.  

And now that we can all see...CHECK THIS OUT:

As together we stand and sing.     

BP

HOMILY AND GRITS

HELLO, BLURCH!

Today I submit to you what I like to call the...

"INSTANT BLERMON"

I hardly have to type at all for this one.

Eat your heart out Joel.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

HEATING PAD PREACHER

As I sit here this morning, bangin’ out yet another awarding-winning Blermon (blog-sermon), coffee at the ready, cartoons soothingly playing in the background, agonizing back pain shooting down my leg and up through the bottom of my neck (not to worry, it’s just an old baptizing injury - it happens to us Preachers), it occurs to me that all that is missing from this idyllic and creative scene is my trusty heating pad.

(PREACHER'S NOTE: was gonna drop a little clip art in here of a heating pad but it just seemed too condescending.  Look, if you don't know what a heating pad is by now you have no business being on a computer reading a Blermon).

Depending on the time of year, I am never far from my heating pad.  I call him “Paddywack”.  If I could figure out how to keep Paddywack plugged in while I went about my daily Preacher duties I would not only be a happier Preacher, I would also be a rich one.  There’s not a Preacher on the planet who wouldn’t put up big bucks for an electric “Preacher Pad”.  Baptizing injuries are everywhere.

Little Paddywack calms me.  Keeps me warm.  Eases my recurring, ever-present, imaginary psychosomatic pains like a summertime gospel meeting.   He is my electric, adjustable “blankie” buddy in a very real sense. Paddywack makes me feel good about myself and my world in a way that most Elders simply do not. 

I am TOLD that there is a secret army of “Paddywackies” out there who know exactly what I’m talkin’ about.  My wife Gidget is one.  From November to May Gidget is never seen without Paddy at her side, or often under her side, around her side, over her feet.  That girl can hog a heating pad, lemme tell ya.

But remember not all heating pads are created equal.  Some are just flat out mean.  So beware.  They will lull you into a cozy coma of goodness then as soon as you’ve forgotten about them they just...OW!  What in the world?  OW!  OK, I’m not kiddin’ around.  This heating pad just went koo koo.  It just burned a hole through my Preachin’ pajamas!  Can you believe that?  My body again, offered up as a sacrificial, living illustration.  I hope this helped. 

As together we stand and sing.  BP

PREACHER PRESENTS

Well, it’s that time again.  Time to get that Preacher in your life the perfect Christmas gift.

I know many of you have been agonizing over this for months now.  Getting the perfect Preacher Present can be tough.  Buying for a Preacher is like buying for a super hero.  What do they really need?  They’ve already got heaven, a pulpit and a 3-piece suit.  Still, you’ve gotta try.

For some of you - you’re thinking that it’s already too late to get your presents to your Preacher in time for Christmas.  Not to worry.  The good news is MOST Preachers accept Christmas gifts well into the month of April.  As for me - I’ve been known to bust open a package from Santa as late as June.  Deadlines for presents are just silly in my book.

The most important thing is to try to get the Preacher in your life something that is unique and cool, but also somewhat pricey and yet spiritual.  Don’t buy something SO pricey that it can’t be presented at an Elders meeting humble and spiritual.  The one exception here is to make the gift SO expensive and awesome, that all the Preacher can do is shrug and say, “I would’ve never gotten such a materialistic, earthly thing for myself but...it was a gift.  What can I do?”

If your gift LOOKS homemade but can also download 10,000 podcasts or hit 80 mph in 40 seconds you’re really operating in the sweet spot. 

In general I would steer clear of giving any Bible-based gifts.  Figs tend to go bad after a couple of days, and Preachers have very little use for either Frankincense or Myrrh.  Gold, on the other hand looks good with whatever I’m wearing.  When in doubt...go with my new CD available now.  They’ll love it, and many will steal from it.   

As together we stand and sing.

BP

GOOD IS GOOD

It’s a complicated world out there.

And I’m not just referring to Facebook and Twitter.  I’m still not sure how to work Facebook or why anybody would want to be on there passing out pictures to strangers, and the purpose behind twipping on Twitter is as mysterious to me as the book of Deuteronomy. 

But even without those two things, the world can still be a pretty complicated place to try to maneuver.  Every day there are challenges set before us that ask us to make important decisions fast. 

Yellow light: slow down and stop, or blaze through?

Stressed out: go for a walk, or eat an entire pizza?

Fight with your wife: apologize and try to understand, or eat an entire pizza?

The fact is in every situation there is ultimately a “good for all of us” scenario present.  Most of the time we already know what that scenario is but because of fear, or self-interest or whatever passing feelings we might be experiencing at the time, we often don’t see it clearly and instead fall back to the good ‘ole, “what’s best for ME” scenario.

The weird thing is, what’s “good for all of us” IS usually, ultimately good for each of us.  Good medicine is good for you and for me; so is clean air, a speed limit, sharing, fences, leftovers, taking turns a 4-way stops, not stealing from each other.

To finding the ultimate good for all of us may not always be easy, or initially apparent, but it does exist.  “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” works.  Twitter and Deuteronomy...I’ll have to get back to you in those...

As together we stand and sing.  

 BP

THEY CALL HIM FLIPPER

I have been accused on various occasions by various and sundry critics of mine that I have periodically indulged in the viewing of particularly bad television.

In response to what many would call “slanderous blah blah blah”  - whatever - lemme just say this: Yes, I have on occasion watched some bad TV.  So what? 

Look, bad TV can be some of the best stuff ON TV these days.  Back in the old days you had to go OUTSIDE to see drug addicts resisting arrest and people eating worms.  Now they camp out right in your house.

The problem is watching too much bad TV can make it hard to sleep.  There are some images on some of those shows that will stick in your brain for the next 5 years and just won’t let go.  It can be quite disturbing.

“Flippers” on little beauty pageant kids is one of those images.  Flippers are what they call the fake adult teeth they put over the little kids' baby teeth so the kids don’t look like a Snaggletooth Tiger.  Instead, they look like Jerry Lewis circa 1964.  It’s terrifying.  

Well, THAT isn't terrifying.  But THIS is...

So is this, but for an entirely different reason...

What’s wrong with these parents?  They willingly dress up their poor, little 4-year-olds in too-expensive-for-them-to-afford sparkly cowboy hats and boots, then stick ‘em out on a stage in a hotel conference room in front of 12 other ridiculous parents and judge them on something called “poise”.  I didn’t know a 4-year-old even HAD poise, or could win a fake diamond CROWN for it.  And who knew you could do ANYthing with  a FLIPPER in their mouth! 

It reminded me of when I was a kid participating in Preaching Pageants.  I was voted “Best Bible Waver” four years in a row.  They didn’t have crowns, but I DID get a shiny silver communion tray with my name on it - which beats a FLIPPER.  


No, trust me.  It does.

As together we stand and sing.    

BP

MIRACLE PREACHING

I was recently asked the question: “Brother Preacher, have you ever worked any miracles on your own?”

It’s a great question.  It hurts my feelings a little bit, but still - it’s a good enough question to give me a topic to preach on today so - who’s complaining?

The reason I say that question hurts my feelings is because I have to admit I have never had the privilege of pullin’ off what might be considered a real “Bible type” miracle on my own.  We all have our talents, and turning water to wine or curing somebody’s earache, just isn’t one of mine.  I’m just not that kind of a Preacher.  I’m more of the preaching type of preacher - and I’m fine with that.  Look, if we ALL walked on water and turned sticks into snakes who would run the flannel graphs?

That’s not to say that I haven’t pulled off some miraculous things in my day.  Are you kiddin’?  Be serious.  Pullin’ off three sermons a week and a Ladies Bible Class isn’t as easy as it looks.  Plus that, I have somehow escaped countless Elder’s meetings virtually unscathed.  And there aren’t a lot of guys my age who can get away with preaching with 2 Bible Hour puppets at an old folks home withOUT the use of a microphone and call it “Tag Team Guest Preaching”. 

But I guess if I HAD to say when I was at my MOST miraculous it would have to be the time I was baptizing a guy in a frozen lake in Colorado WHILE making announcements and then performed CPR on him once the hypothermia kicked in. 

You see, most Preachers make their announcements BEFORE they baptize people and if the “baptizee” then happens to go into hypothermia, most Preachers hardly EVER do CPR.  I do. 

Well, I don’t really know HOW to do CPR but it looked right at the time and it worked for a while at least.  Look, I'm not an EMT guy, I'm a Preacher...who doesn't do miracles.  Lighten up out there.

As together we stand and sing.  

BP