MY WEDDING MIRACLE

The pressure's on.

As members of this semi-global BlongregationTM know, today is my niece's wedding.  Which only means one thing:  

ALL EYES WILL BE ON ME. 

If you're not a Preacher you won't understand that.  You see, MOST folks think that weddings are about the cake, the dress, the bride, or possibly the "after the ceremony" reception dance moves of that annoying little 6 year old kid who CLAIMS he's Break Dancing.  

All weddings have those dumb, little kids.  I can't STAND 'em.  For the record that kid ISN'T Break Dancing!  He is simply doing what is called: "Rolling Around On The Floor In Your Church Clothes."

I will never understand why everybody's always so impressed with that cocky, little punk.  I've been "Breakin'" since I was 35, I should know what it's supposed to look like, but nobody claps when I do it.  Barbarians.  Anyhow...

The pressure is on for me today not only to take over when the scheduled Preacher passes out or drops dead in the middle of the ceremony (which happens all the time.  It's why I go to weddings in the first place.  It's called: Emergency Preaching), but more importantly to perform my obligatory wedding miracle.

This all started with Jesus, of course.  When he was at the wedding in Cana, his mother asked him to change water into wine.  So he did it and everybody got happy.  Once again, the Bible proves that people love magic tricks at weddings.  And as a Bible-based, "with it" Preacher, I recognize this fact and never disappoint.

Often, preparing for my wedding miracle can take more time than the sermon itself.  And that makes sense.  Look, miracles can be tough to pull off these days.  Audiences just aren't as easily impressed as they were in Jesus' day.  I blame the Internet.  And roller coasters.  

You'd think turning water to wine would be fairly easy to pull off - it is not.  Personally, I think baptizin' a fat guy is easier.  And THAT is tough to pull off, take it from me.  Fat guys tend to float on ya.  Anyhow...

Doing the water to wine thing will be tough to pull off today primarily because this IS Oklahoma.  While they do love their Bible here, they prefer their own reading of it whenever possible.  So, instead of "Water to Wine", I'll probably have to settle for "Water to KOOL-AIDE."

Won't be nearly as impressive, I know, but it oughtta save me from gettin' another dis-fellowshipment.

The good news is, so far this morning, my warm-up sessions have been going pretty good.  I've already changed my orange juice to water and my coffee to decaf.  

Don't believe me?  Take a look.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

UNDERCOVER PREACHER

Once again I have proof positive that the Lord wasn't kidding when he said he would provide.

It may not be what we were expecting or even wanting, but guaranteed, SOMEthing WILL be provided whether you like it or not.  That kind of assurance isn't for everybody - but I like it.

I am referring, of course, to the way in which the Lord has recently provided a fabulous new preaching opportunity for me while my wife, Gidget and I are "on the road".

As many of you know, I am a wandering missionary of sorts these days, scouring the country in search of pulpits to mount when no one's lookin'.  And here we are, just a few days into this adventure and I've already scored my first wedding.  It's my niece's in Oklahoma.  

I've done some of my best work in the big "OK".  I was also dis-fellowshiped twice here, but on balance, I think I'm gonna kill. 

Now it IS true, I am not "officially" on the docket to preach this wedding, but that's never stopped me in the past.  Besides, as everyone knows, weddings have killed off more Preachers than you can count.  Usually, during the ceremony.  Often the combined stress of grumpy elders, teaching Ladies Bible Class AND dealing with a crazy bride and her mother has put more than one Preacher in the ground early. 


It's tough out there. 

So, in light of this tragic trend, you've GOT to have capable, handy, Preaching School-qualified Preachers at the ready with a 3 point, New Testament-based, illustration-rich sermon to jump in at a moments notice.  

Lucky for you, I'm here.  I AM that Preacher.  

I may LOOK like the back-up guy, but I'm really the hero of the whole wedding in back-up guy clothes.  Trust me, I've made a CAREER of doin' this.  There's nobody who can touch me in hornin' in on weddings.


I do it not so much because I like weddings (the food isn't really my style - I prefer funeral food), but because weddings are an excellent opportunity for what I call "Sniper Sermon Preaching".  

While the crowd is expecting for me to give all that lovey-dovey, "do you take" junk, I jump up and blast 'em with a good old-fashioned "Sodom and Gomorrah - straighten up - barn -burner- special".  Maybe throw in some teeth gnashin' stuff at the end.  I love it.  They don't know what hit 'em.  


With Sniper Wedding Sermons, I can average right around 5 baptisms a wedding.  Of course, the weddings don't always "take" like we'd like but, come on...anybody can do a wedding, it takes a PREACHER to pull off 5 baptisms AT a wedding.  

Plus that, I'm already married so what do I care?  Whatever.

So, Saturday is the BIG DAY.  I'll play it cool til then; pretend to help Gidget with the whole fish bowl, boutonniere, cake thing; but as soon as that other Preacher keels over in his Bible, it...is...ON.

Did somebody say, "Preach-a-pa-lujah"?


I LOVE Preaching weddings.  Don't you?  Who wouldn't?


The cake isn't bad either.

Stay tuned Preaching fans - I'm goin' in.  


As together we stand and sing.


BP

BLISHIONARY TRIP

There has been a lot of non-verbal chatter going on lately all throughout this BlongregationTM (blog congregation) regarding my lack of a new full-time Preaching gig.  

I know it's non-verbal because I havent' actually heard anyone saying anything , but I DO notice that the voices in my head are gettin' louder.  I think my head voices are getting ready to have a WWF SLAM- FEST over it.  So SOMETHIN'S goin' on.  It can get pretty noisy in there some days.  I mean in my head, not the WWF.  Anyhow... 

You say, "Preacher, what's all this about?"

As many of you know, I was recently unceremoniously let go from my  full-time Preaching gig  because of a slight misunderstanding regarding the  end of the world.  

(see this blog 5/23/11 - http://brotherpreachercantype.blogspot.com/2011/05/as-i-was-saying.html).

Apparently, I didn't come down on the right side of THAT little debate. I'm not alone.  There are literally 10's of us all over the world who fell for that crud.

Which is why there was that little issue of me selling the house my wife Gidget and I were living in - which woulda been FINE,  IF we had owned that house BEFORE I sold it.  In this case, the house happened to belong to the church.  I'm not what you call "detail oriented".  Especially when the world is ending. 

My bad.


Under normal circumstances, I probably could've survived such a miscalculation (I once survived 3 Baptism disasters in the same day and was kept on as the Assistant Pulpit Preacher - don't ask.  Suffice to say, if you call "sprinkling" "baptizing", you wouldn't understand anyhow).  

But this particular goof landed me in the "Hot Water of Unemployment".  Which for a Preacher can be tough. There just aren't a LOT of jobs open to a guy with my skill set: Talking, Preaching, reading the Bible, doing flannel graph sermons on a Joy Bus, baptistery heating, the ability to eat 4 fried chickens in a single sitting. It's what is called a "focused" skill set.  The lack of practical, world skills is one reason Preachers MUST preach.

But I want you to know that Gidget and I have landed on our feet, have put our things back in storage and are enjoying our first  "wandering missionary journey" throughout  the southern United States.  It is amazing how much you can get into a Subaru.  Plus it's strong enough to stand on when I need to preach.  

Soon folks throughout the entire South will finally know about Jesus.  It's more of a mission field than you might expect.  Sure MOST people here are Christians - the trick is to find the 4 or 5 who aren't.  You know, those guys who moved down here from New York City and have never heard of Jesus.  OK, 2 guys.  OK, 1 guy and a puppet.  

Talk about findin' a bent needle in a needle factory!  It wont be easy.  But we are committed to it.  

And...we don't really have a choice.  This blogging business isn't exactly Bill Gates-worthy bread.


Still...we Bleach on!


As together we stand and sing.


BP

CONNECTION RESURRECTION

I had boo-koo, KOO-koo trouble getting online today.

So frustrating.

Now, some of you might think that it's no big deal.  You shrug it off and go on with you’re hockey practice-pillow stuffing-dominoes tournament- filled day.

Lemme tell ya - for me, a young, promising, dynamic BleacherTM (blog-Preacher), with a growing, thriving BlurchTM (blog-church), the inability to get online when I NEED to can be devastating!

Like the song says, “A day without a BlermonTM is a day with 45 extra free minutes.”

Somethin’ like that.  Anyhow...

Scientist tell us that not being able to get online when you want to is the #3 most frustrating thing on the planet; right behind the inability to locate your car keys, and having to call YOUR cell phone from your WIFE’S  cell phone so that you can locate YOUR cell phone - which is usually IN your wife’s purse (why THAT is, I don’t know - ask her). 

 “Connection” to the members of this BlongregationTM  (blog-congregation), is vital.  Without that connection, my Bleaching is in vain, and my BlermonsTM are in vain; to say nothing of my TweachingTM (Twitter-Preaching), and my FACE-evosTM (Face book Devotionals).   

Without that connection, I am nothing more than a clown in closet clangin’ on a clardboard clock.  And, believe me,  I did all of THAT I EVER wanna do since that summer in ’78 at that fair.  Weird gig.

The GOOD news is, clearly I am IN connection with you again now!  So, despite my frustration, my heated exchange at my computer and a variety of other sins I briefly passed though this morning, the beat goes on, the Blermon lives, the connection is secure!

Just another example of how prayer, coupled with 3 calls to my Internet provider gets RESULTS.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

HAPPY MUESDAY!

I do believe my favorite Mondays are Tuesdays.

Or, to put it another way: Tuesdays are my favorite kind of Mondays.

Whenever Monday is really Tuesday I REALLY like Mondays.  Otherwise, I don't care for them all that much.  Especially on MONDAY.  I'd probably like 'em even BETTER if they landed on Thursdays.  And a good, solid Friday/Monday would be fantastic.  

But I'll settle for what I got.  A Tuesday/Monday ain't bad. It even makes Wednsday better. Suddenly "Hump Day" isn't so steep or lumpy.

Changing Monday into Tuesday reminds me of when Jesus turned the water into wine. It's easy to do and makes everybody instantly happier.  Who can complain about THAT?

Imagine if we could change other things as easily as we can change Monday to Tuesday.

We could change night to day, bad to good, phone bills to pancakes. The possibilities are endless.

I'd change birds to Bibles, penguins to pulpits and surf boards to sermons.  We all have our dreams.

You say, "But Preacher, how can we do that?  How can we change things we dont like into things we DO like?"

It's a good question - but the answer is even better.  We CAN indeed change what we don't like into what we DO like the same way we change Monday in Tuesday:

By simply IGNORING that which we know to be true.

So simple and yet, so powerful.  

Heck, I've been doing THAT my whole life.  It's how I became 6'3", a Rhodes Scholar and an aspiring dentist.  It is the POWER of IGNORING REALITY.

Happy Monday, everybody.  And a VERY Merry Christmas to ALL!

As together we stand and sing... "Silent Night".

BP

MEMORABLE MEMORIAL

I moved a canon into my front yard yesterday.  

I will admit, there have been times when I have been MORE popular with my neighbors than I am right now but...whatever.  It's one reason I rent.  

I love my canon.  It's hard to miss.  Hard to forget it's there. My canon and me have become a helpful landmark in my neighborhood: "Go to the light, turn right, at the big canon in the middle of the crazy Preacher's yard, go left..."



My Motto:

"Remember BIG 

or just forget the whole thing".

Today's a day I remember BIG.  

My canon helps me remember.

Life has a way of getting away from us.  It's been that way since the beginning.  Soccer practice, rodeo exhibitions, foraging for nuts and berries, fighting off dinosaurs by brandishing a burning stick at 'em - it can get nuts. 

I believe that's one reason the Bible is filled with all those big feasts and festivals.  You see, the Lord knew that sometimes we need help remembering to remember.  He also knew we love bar-b-que which is why so many Bible festivals include a sacrifice or two. And I know I'm not the only one who sits up at night looking at pictures of a particularly good steak.  For me: 1999, Mary Willard's house, mid-rare. 

Combine a good bar-b-cue with a big, 'ole canon in your yard and brother, you've got yourself a day to do some rememberin'. 

And a chance to say "Thanks" to the ones who made it possible.

Next year I'm goin' "tank".

BP 

THE SHORT SERMON

We have a man who -

Wow, that was WEIRD.  Seems like that shoulda been a longer sentence than that.  

"We have a man who - "

Nope.  That's all wrote down on my yellow "Blermon Idea" pad while I was preparing this BlermonTM.  Had the little dash on there and everything.  

Wow.  Weird.  

Usually my notes go into a LITTLE bit more detail than just...

"We have a man who -"

But uh...apparently, that is as far as THESE particular notes got. 

Anyhow - 

So, the good news is, it won't take too long to transcribe this thing today, I guess.   AND won't take long to READ it either so...we got THAT going for us.

OK.  Well.  THAT was weird.  Um...

As together we stand and sing.

BP