Semi-Faily, Semi-Truck, Semi-Daily, Just Enough.

A little while ago, I got this comment from "The Wolfman" that I thought was vital.  He wrote:

"Does the word "semi-daily" indicate a lack of faith? 

What if Jesus only preached "semi-daily"? 

What if He only healed "semi-daily?" 

Now lemme just say right off the bat, I had NO idea that the Wolfman could even TYPE, let alone ask a question.  I've always loved his movies, but had always assumed he couldn't get power or a WIFI signal runnin' around out there in the woods like he does.  Maybe he comments while in his non-wolf state.  I'm not a wolf scientist, so I'm kinda guessin' on a lot of this.  We may never know.  Anyhow...

His comment is a good one. Does the fact that this blog is "semi-daily" indicate a lack of faith?  

Short answer: no.  

Longer answer: No, not at all.

The fact that this is a "semi-daily" blog instead of a "daily" or "minutely" or even "secondly" blog, is due to the fact that I know ME very well.  I remember me in school. I've seen the report cards.  I know what to expect from me.  It's not pretty.  I spent a lot of time creating my own recesses.

I also know that I've been preaching since I was in Junior High and have never held down a REAL job.  

In short: I know that I could easily forget that I even HAVE a blog, let alone need to write in it every day.  

So it was not a lack of faith that I named this blog "semi-daily", it was merely an example of my superior planning skills at work once again.  I simply named what I assumed this blog would become: Semi, sub-par, and eventually abandoned.

But to my surprise this blog (so far) has not been "semi" ANYthing!  To the contrary, it has been quite the little "DAILY Preacher" in spite of the title. Through rain, and sleet, and travel and my busy TV watching schedule I have Bleached TM On every day for weeks!!     

Think about THAT for a minute.  I'm actually accomplishing something.  The end must be near.

Later on in his comment, Wolfman also alludes to the fact that Jesus did not preach or heal on a semi-daily basis.  Nothing could be further from the truth, Wolfy.

Look, everybody knows Jesus didn't heal or preach on a daily basis.  Preachers have been taking Monday's and Thursdays off for generations.  And every faith healer I've ever known usually takes off Tuesdays too.  Faith Healers tend to wear out faster than Preachers.  Not sure why.  Could be all the jumpin' around.

Jesus was a preacher.  I am a preacher.  Which is why I know what the heck I'm talkin about.  Trust me.  Jesus didn't preach every bloomin' day.  Shoot, he took off 40 days right when he started his preachin' career and went to the desert, I believe originally to go campin' - 'course then Satan turned up and kinda put the ki-bosh on THAT plan.  Anyhow...

Finally, Wolfman's most disturbing comment he saves for last.  He writes,

":0)

Hehehehehehehehehehheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee 

(ouch.) "

Clearly, my first guess was right.  Wolfman had been typing this comment while in his human state, then suddenly  began to turn back into The Wolfman.  We know this from the wolf-like howling symbol above, followed by the creepy laugh into weird-o howl.  He then apparently drops something on his foot, because he says "ouch."

I hope he's OK, though he probably deserved it.  Wolfmen tend to get  a little crazy without a wife around to kinda keep things in line.  I should know.  Gidget's still out of town and I haven't worn pants or showered for 3 days.

I love comments with sound effects by the way.  Example: (ouch) 

Here's another good one:

ZZZZZZZZZingo!!!

(Sigh).  What was I talkin' about?  Oh, who cares?

 As together we stand and sing.

BP

Emergency Break-Fast

As many of you know, I was recently on the road preaching in Texas and Tennessee.  I was fantastic, it was a huge success.  Had we had any water nearby, I'm sure my one-of-a-kind preaching technique would have resulted in a number of baptisms.  As it was, we had to settle for Tex-Mex and Blue Grass Music instead.

By the way,  I LOVE preaching in the states that start with the letter "t".  Texas, Tennessee...Tahiti.  Anyhow...

I got home just last night and have spent today trying to get settled like we all do; answering email, paying bills, reassembling my pull-along-pul-pit.   Because of this, I (obviously) have been a bit late getting out today's missive.  Which as far as I knew, was no big deal.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  It was in the middle of this "settling" that I received this disturbing text:

"As self imposed spokesman for three followers

I am here to inform you 

we are fasting until you post. 

(We did just eat lunch;hypoglycemic issues)"

Imagine my feigned surprise.  I had no idea that my seemingly silent and "not very comment-y" followers were actually "rabid" followers intent on holding their very own meals hostage til I come up with the "goods" ala: another award-winning blog posting. 

How disturbing.  How weird.  How exciting.  I think I saw a movie like this one time.  Or maybe I just wish I had.  Actually, I wish  I was IN a movie right now and this was happening.  I'm not sure which.  I often have trouble separating my fantasy world from the real thing, but that's another posting for a another hunger strike.

The point is, the heat is on.  Thank goodness I'm here to intervene.  Many of you don't realize this but, this kind of pressure could not be beared by most preachers.  

Joel Olsteen would crumble like a Texas tumble weed.  

Richard Roberts would probably start singing.  

I don't think Billy Grahm has a blog.  

TD Jakes...well TD Jakes would just start yelling at you.  I LOVE TD Jakes.

Me, I'm different.  I'm...well, I'm me.  I was BORN for this kind of fasting emergency.

You see at this very moment, 3 fragile, stubborn, starving souls, who from what we can tell, have not eaten a speck of food for almost... 2 1/2 hours now;  are depending on ME to help break their fast by posting to my blog.

You say, "What are you gonna do, Preacher?"

It's a fantastic question.  Fantastic because it has an easy answer.  And by "easy" I mean it has an answer that I know.  And that answer is: I am going to do what ANY preacher of such skill and superior talents as mine, who found himself in a similar position WOULD do.  

I will do what Jesus would do.

Well, I can't do EVERYHTHING Jesus would do, because Jesus could do a LOT of stuff only HE could do!  

Drives me crazy when people say they're gonna do what Jesus would do.  I always think, "Oh really?  You gonna walk on water?  Feed 5,000?  Turn some water into wine at a wedding? Well, THAT's what JESUS would do!"

So I'm gonna do what Jesus would do...IF HE WERE ME RIGHT NOW AND HAD A BLOG AND A COMPUTER AND PEOPLE THREATENING TO STARVE THEMSELVES TO DEATH TILL HE POSTED A POSTING.

So...here goes.  

(PAUSE to post)

Now,  go eat a sandwich.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Thought Of The Day

I wanna introduce another new segment  to the Semi-Daily Preacher.  I call it, "The Thought Of The Day."  I hope no one steals this very original idea for a segment.  Anyhow, here is today's: "Thought Of The Day"

I wonder 

what I should write

for today's 

"Thought Of The Day"?

Wow.  That was fantastically easy.  I have just finished my blog posting for the day and it took just under 12 seconds to do.

You may be seeing a lot more of these in the future.  Especially when I'm traveling and exhausted and haven't packed yet and need coffee and barely know my own name.

Or possibly just every Thursday.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Sermon Stats, Tits for Tats, This and Thats

I recently took a look at some stats for this site, and found some astonishing numbers regarding who the readers are of this very important blog.  Notice...

In India, we have 9 people following this blog.  Welcome India!  Spice is nice!  When we go to move this “Blurch TM.” to Youtube, I will be contacting you for tech support.  Glad to have you aboard!

In Germany there are 4 readers.  Probably 2 couples, is my guess.  Two couples, Fran and Ollie, Linder and Hans, finally reunited after years of separation by that Wall and Hogan’s Heroes.   

They probably get together for dinner every night, followed by a rousing game of Husker Du or whatever.  Then they all gather ‘round the laptop and enjoy some Bible-based Bleaching.  Germany, you know how to party.  How good is it to have you here?  Sehr gut!

Mexico has 6 people.  2 of them are probably my niece and her fiance’.  Well, they BETTER be following.  If they AREN'T, that means I could get this number up to 8 people when they DO finally show up and start reading this blog.   No, make that 9!  ‘Cause they have that puppy now.  Puppies LOVE this blog.  

Of course, if that number DOES include them already,  I really only have 4 people in Mexico.  Well 3 if you count of that dang puppy.  Which stinks.  I LOVE Mexico, I should have no less than sinko times ocho in Mexico.  Whatever that is.  I’ll straighten this all out at the wedding.  HOLA, Mexico!  I love Rosetta Stone!

Speaking of fiance’s, Denmark has 2 readers of this blog, one of which is probably Gidget’s old fiance’, Karl.  Hello, Karl.  Slipped on any ice lately?  Well, we can only hope.   By the way, it’d be great if you’d send Gidget her Bill Cosby records back, now that she’s been married to me for, oh I don't know, 25 years now?  I think she’s a little bit "over you" and your "sexy accent" by now so how 'bout you send back the records as soon as you figure out how to lick a stamp.  

Just think, Karl, if you’d held on to that so-called “clueless American girl” you’d be married to Gidget right now, writing an award-winning preaching blog, and leading a huge semi-global Blurch into the 21st Century,  instead of drinking yourself silly, alone and depressed  at some frozen, Danish pub with a broken TV!!   

Anyhow...and greetings to our OTHER reader in Denmark, the one who ISN'T Karl.  Here's a tip: Don't talk to Karl, he's trouble. Skoll!

The United Kingdom has 2 readers.  My guess: the Queen and James Bond.  Cheerio!  I LOVE Cheerios, by the way.  It’s the Englishman in me, I guess. 

China has exactly 1, as in ONE reader of this blog.  Wow.  That is so sad.   

Hi there, 1.  

 :)   

How’s it goin’?  This must stink for you.  4 billion people in that country and you’ve got exactly NObody to compare notes with about this great blog.  That’s terrible.  

Listen, if there’s anything I can do for ya, any topics you want me to hit just lemme know and I’ll get it done.  

The good news is, you are what’s called our “TOE HOLD” in ASIA!  We are clutching onto the side of the cliff for dear life with ONE GUY in China!  Don’t let us down China guy!  As Paul once said, all the parts of the Lord’s body are important, but in THIS case the TOE (that’s You) is REALLY important.  We lose you, we are basically dead meat at the bottom of the cliff in China.   

GENTLE PERSONAL TIP, China: Get out more.  Get some friends, play some ping pong with somebody, then tell them about the blog and double our readership there.  Please don’t leave us!  We NEED YOU!

And finally, in the United States we have 1,215 readers of this blog.  

I think I just had a flash.   Look I’m excited you’re all here, America, but would it kill some of you to move to China once in a while to get our numbers up there?  I love you, USA!  Keep reading, just do it in China!  And work in some math skills while you're at it.

What an exciting time this is for the world.  Thank you all for helping with this massive effort.    I leave you with these words...

 “Ask not what the Preacher can do for you, 

ask how much it costs to fly to China 

and read this blog from there.”

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Bible Flip Scrip #1

It dawned on me the other day that over the course of this exciting, world changing blog,  I have preached my typing fingers to the bone, but have used very little actual Bible scriptures in the process.

This could have been a fatal move.  Preachers call this, "Not cool."  I'm so lucky I shower on a daily basis - because a lot of things dawn on me while I shower, and the lack of scripture in a Preaching blog just so happens to be the latest dawning.

Let's face it, a Preacher not using Bible scriptures to preach with, is like a Lion Tamer not using Bible scriptures to train lions with.

Somethin' like that.  You get it.  Anyhow...

I want to rectify this as quickly as I can, so today I wanna introduce a new recurring element to this blog called:  

Bible Flip Scrip(ture)TM.

This is how it works.  I will simply grab my Bible, flip through it really fast, then stick my finger in there and see what scripture it lands on.  I will then Bleach (or Blog-Preach) on whatever that scripture happens to be.

EDITOR's NOTE: I used to call this technique "The Flippin' Finger" but then I realized that there was no reference to "Bible" or "Scripture" anywhere in that title, which is kinda the whole point.  Plus that, my wife Gidget thought "Flipin' Finger" sounded dirty.  I won't comment on that.  Suffice to say, Gidget thinks EVERYthing that alliterates sounds dirty.

Anyhow, here goes...

I'm flipping...and now...

I'm sticking my finger on....

Genesis 15: 9!!!

I LOVE this verse.  It reads:

The Lord answered,

"Bring me a heifer three years old, 

a she-goat, three years old, 

a ram three years old, 

a turtle dove 

and a young pigeon."

Now, what lessons can we glean from this very important verse?

1.) The Lord is koo-koo crazy about farm animals and birds.

2.) While the Lord is picky about the AGE of his farm animals, he couldn't care less about the age of the birds, as long as the pigeon is "young".  The Turtle Dove apparently can be as old as Methuselah and still get called up for service.  Oh, to be a turtle dove! Whatever that is.

By the way, what in the world is a "Snapping Turtle Dove"?  How old do THEY get?  And how on EARTH do they FLY with that shell on their back?  We may never know.  Snapping Turtles Doves are a mystery to science and the Bible.  And to me.

So anyhow, that's about all I can squeeze out of this verse.  Kinda makes you wish you were an farm animal or a bird, doesn't it?  Unless of course, the Lord is having them "brought to him" for some kind of a sacrifice or bar-b-que.  In THAT case, I'd rather be a fish.

So which is it?  Service, or Supper?

We just don't know.  In order to know we'd have to, what is called in Preaching circles, "read the other verses around this verse".

Unfortunately that's not how "Bible Flip Scrip" works.  With Bible Flip Scrip you get what you get, and just go on with life and quit cryin' about it.  So get out of here. 

Powerful words.

Powerful Flip Scrip.

Powerful BlermonTM (or blog-sermon)

As together we stand and sing.

BP

.

Big Blog, Big Head

Good morning, Blurch!

You know I get the feeling sometimes that many of you think I do not read the hundreds and hundreds of comments and emails and Facebook responses I receive everyday regarding this  blog.  The truth is, not only do I read them but many of my favorite comments I have already begun to crochet onto a big, round pillow.

It's true, it IS a daily burden to sift through all of the praise and fanfare coming in on such a huge scale.  Of course there is the danger it could all start to go to my head.  I'm only human.  I can get the "Big Head" as easy as anybody else.  If given too much praise, I begin to foresee my future as a beloved, handsome, possibly Korean leader of a huge, semi-global, semi-blurch.  What Bleacher with my supreme talent wouldn't?

As you know,  I have a pretty big head already.  I mean my actual head is fairly sizable.  So I've got to be careful.

The good news is, while it takes  a lot of time to read the good comments,  the bad comments I can sail right through in practically no time at all.  I have a natural filter for comments that have the potential for hurting my feelings or are secretly asking for money.

But the main reason I read every one of the thousands and thousands of your comments and emails each day is so that I can potentially steal ideas for my next blog entry.  Let's face it, the stress of maintaining a semi-daily blog is at times semi-overwhelming.  SOMETIMES you need help. 

So today I want to introduce a guest Bleacher, RC, who's amazing comment from yesterday in my opinion, deserves it's own posting.  And so please welcome, RC (not the cola), who yesterday said this:

"Notice the soaring number of followers! 3 (that trinitarian favorite) times 7 (that perfect number and the day God rested) equals 21 the total number of followers. Try some addition: 2+1 and get 3 (back to trinity). Lets try division: divide 21 by 21 and you get: 1 (perfect unity in all this diversity). Lets try subtraction: 2-1=1 (unity again)! This is amazing stuff. 21 followers is surely a divine sign of things to come"

I have no idea what all this means.  Math and crafts - not my thing.  But I am always moved by things that confuse me, and this comment is no exception.  Thanks RC for those powerful, confusing, mathy words.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Usually On A Sunday

Let's face it, Sundays are a big day for any Preacher.  For example, today I have:

- Writing my sermon for this morning's service
- Fasting
- Breakfast
- More fasting
- Joy Bus talk
- Puppet Show rehearsal
- Prison Puppet Show rehearsal (Same as Puppet Show, but done in a cage)
- Sunday Morning Sermon (first time through, VERY rough, no baptisms usually)
- Sunday Morning Adult Class (wing it, ask lots of questions, cake)
- Puppet Show performance (better than 1st sermon)
- Fellowship Breakfast
- Sunday Morning Sermon, second service (better, I recognize it by now)
- Elders Brunch (where I get yelled at for whatever I did that morning, usually the 1st sermon.  Sue me!  It was the first time I'd even SEEN that sermon!)
- Fellowship Basket Dinner/Covered Dish/Jell-o Salad Extravaganza (I over-eat)
- Repent for over-eating, begin fast.
- Nap/counseling sessions.
- Write my Sunday Night Sermon while watching football.
- Prison Puppet Show performance (cage usually a big hit)
- Second Sermon (usually has several football illustrations)
- Sunday Night Fellowship Dinner (Sandwiches in the Prison Puppet Show cage, just 'cause it's fun to eat in there).
- Write Semi-Daily Blog

What I've accomplished so far today:
- Wrote Semi-Daily Blog.

I hate Sundays.

As together we stand and sing.

BP