THE SMART GUYS AND ME

I don't wanna sound all braggy but, facts is facts...I destroyed the Bible Scholars last night with my superior preaching.  They never saw it comin'.

Of course, I ALSO simultaneously got myself dis-fellowshipped from about 9 different denominations, while tickin' off about a hundred big brained Bible guys and their wives but...these things happen. 

Francis Collins, the human genome/world famous scientist guy was there.  We chatted afterwards for a while and found that we have lots in common.  Apparently, he discovered the human genome a while ago.  I told him that I have also found stuff...usually in the backyard or my closet. I think he was impressed, though he seemed a bit skittish to see me.  He probably thought I was gonna try to baptize him right there on the spot.  Don't laugh.  I thought about it.  He probably noticed the "Pre-baptize Glaze" I get in my eye right before I dunk somebody.  He's a scientist, they notice that kind of stuff.

Anyhow, it occurred to me this morning that Francis will no doubt be bringing  my name up the next time he meets with Bill Gates or  President Obama.  

That's just gonna KILL Joel Olsteen.  Oh, well.    

Making my way back home today.  There's a pile of mail to sift through and a "Housewives of New Jersey" marathon on the DVR my wife Gidget has to catch up on, so have to get back.  

Meanwhile, I wanna personally thank all of the BlembersTM (blog-members) of this BlongregationTM (blog-congregation) for your support during this missionary trip to California.  You weren't a LOT of help (I did all the preachin' and most of the drivin'), but it was still good to know you there to pray and fast.  

I HATE fasting while I'm on the road.  And I get too dizzy when I fast while I'm tryin' to preach. Now that I think of it, I don't think I EVER fast.  

Why?  Because fasting stinks.  Thanks for doing it for me.  Now go have a donut.

I wonder if Francis Collins ever fasts?  

What I really wonder is if he has a microscope.  Or a trampoline. 

I'll ask him next time we're on a smart guy science panel in Washington together.

Can't WAIT for that.  I'll preach those guys into the ground.

Joel Olsteen will wanna jump off a bridge.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BIBLE SCHOLARS: LAST WARNING

Ever wondered what it feels like to be a Preacher on the verge of taking Hollywood and a bunch of whiny Bible Scholars by storm?  Take a look at this picture and you'll know exactly what it feels like.

It feels cold, hard, and a little bit scummy. 

But it has to be done.

These are the tiles in my bathroom of my room in Malibu.  I've been staring at it for 3 hours.  It's called PPF:  

PRE-PREACH FOCUS.  

PPF is mandatory when you are preparing to Preach at  a bunch of mouthy, braggy Bible Scholars in Malibu.  This isn't a job for just ANY preacher.  Olsteen would crumble under the pressure.  I'd like to see HIM stare at a bathroom wall for 2 hours.  Never happen.


I'm gonna tear 'em up.

I find that bathroom tiles have a way of helping me visualize the points of my sermon.  Each tile represents either a specific point, illustration, joke, or dog story. 

There's one tile in here that has what appears to be toothpaste on it.  That's my invitation song.

The plan is to stay in this bathroom and stare at these tiles til "go" time.  That's about...9 hours from now.  

By then, I'll be ready.  I'll be nice and hungry, thirsty, grumpy, mean, probably a little dizzy and if I'm lucky, babbling like a mad man.  I'll be a cross between John The Baptist and a crazed hamster.

Unstoppable.

Of course, if I get TOO hungry, I'll probably have some lunch and take a nap.  

Gotta always have a backup plan.

As together we stand and sing.


BP

PREACHING IS EASY

Lemme tell ya, if I preached here in San Francisco full time, I would have a never-ending supply of BlermonTM (blog-sermon) topics.  Which almost makes the whole "morning jog-dodgin' Sea Gull 'goo'-dance" worth it.

All I'd have to do it walk outside and I would be instantly transported into a living, breathing, Sermon Topic-teria.  For example...

Gull "Goo" Already In Progress

"Beware of Gull Goo."

From the Future, At the Park

"Dear Doubting Thomas: Martians are REAL!"

Giant Killer: Plan "B"

"What  David Would Have Done Next If The 5 Stones and The Slingshot Had Missed."

When Preachers Daydream

 "It's A Long Road To Heaven...And Back To My Hotel.".

Help

"Bus/Trolley Thingy Where I Think I Lost My Billfold."

Thanks for nothin', Eve.

 
"Don't Be An Adam!"





I just realized, the bus/trolley thingy really wasn't a BlermonTM idea,  so much as it was a call for help.  I mean REAL help in finding my billfold.  So if  anyone's on that particular bus/trolley thingy later today and finds my billfold please contact me immediately at this BlongregationTM (blog-congregation).

By the way, this is where I dropped my camera/phone.

The Ledge of Lost Things

Anyhow, you get it.  

I could preach all day here.  But I was MOST inspired when I stumbled upon the statue of none other than the Apostle Paul...

Paul In 'Frisco

I had no idea he even MADE it to California.  Have to take another look at that "Missionary Journey's" map. 

Headed to LA today to get my preach on for the Bible Scholar's Conference on the 16th in Malibu. I don't know about you but Bible Scholars tend to be a bit snooty for my tastes.  

I'm thinkin' of whippin' the Martian picture on 'em.  That oughtta shut 'em up.   

As together we stand and sing.  

BP

LITTLE FAITH? LITTLE TIME.

I know what many of you are thinking.  

"Is BP gonna make it today?  Will there be a BlermonTM?  Or has his luck finally run out."

Oh, ye of little faith...

Lets face it - I'm Preaching in San Francisco.  That...takes...time.  There are a LOT of things to preach against here.  Be serious.  I'm busy.

Maybe instead of complaining and doubting me, you could start praying for me or maybe getting out here for a little tag team preaching.  


Either way - I'm gonna keep goin'.  I've got my preach SERIOUSLY on - and I won't be turned off.


By the way, on my run this morning on the beach, I think I accidentally baptized a manatee in a tutu. 

At least I THINK it was a manatee.

Why I was in a tutu is anybody's guess.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

THE PARABLE OF THE BIRD FEEDER

And it came to pass that in a vineyard hangeth a feeder of birds.

And upon the morn the fowls of the air would come unto her and and eat of her seeds and feast upon her corn.  And in the evening they wouldst return and feast a second time.  

And the fowl of the air did love the Feeder of Birds, and the vineyard prospered.

And it came to pass, that unto the vineyard came another Feeder of Birds unto the vineyard, that the Master hangeth under the tree.  

And behold it was golden unto the eye and velvet unto the touch, and beautiful and filled with seeds more tasty than the Feeder of Birds.  And the Golden Feeder saith unto the Bird Feeder,

"Behold, thou art a feeder of birds and unto thine perch cometh the fowl of the air both in the morn and again at eve.  But see-est thou mine golden color and the shape of my figure and weep and wail for thine own self.  For now  the fowl of the air will reject thee fully and come unto me and eat my seed and feast upon my corn both in the evening and in the morn."

But the Feeder of Birds saith nothing unto the Golden Feeder.

"Did you not heareth my cry," saith the Golden Feeder again unto the Feeder of Birds.

"Will you not weep when the fowl of the air no longer cometh unto you in the morning and the evening?  Then will the Master  come and take you away and toss you unto the garbage pit and...HEY!  I'm talking-est to thou!"

"Are-est thou even listening unto me?"

"HEY!"

 "WAKEST THOU UP!"

But the Feeder of Birds saith nothing unto the Golden Feeder...

...for behold, she was a bird feeder.  

And bird feeders don't talk.

Behold.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

POEM POWER #2 - Sermon Coffee

 When the Lord gives you a poem, you are compelled to share it with the world.  

And even when he DOESN'T give you one, if you THINK of one and haven't figured out your BlermonTM for that day - you ALSO have to share it.  So...here it is:

SUNDAY MORNING

by BP

It's Sunday morning once again

The Preacher sits without a friend

Another sermon not quite done

He tries and tries but nothing comes

Into the bag of tricks he goes

Concordance, Bible, cup of Joe

"What will I preach?  I'd like to know!"

"What will I preach? To church I go."

Not a GREAT poem.  But not a great cup of Joe either.  Can't have one without the other in my book.

The point is this: Sermon preparation is so important.

But so is seeing a midnight showing of "Super 8" last night with Gidget.

It SEEMED like a good idea at the time.  This morning, I realized it was not.  Why?  Because I don't have a sermon.

Sigh.  Priority setting has never been my strong suit.

I really cannot calculate just how many Preachers reading this right now are in my same exact position. Don't be surprised if this morning YOUR Preacher uses a poem very similar to the one I just wrote in this BlermonTM this morning.  By similar, I mean the exact same poem.

I am a regular victim of Preacher Plagiarism.  It is a tragic problem sweeping the country, and one I hope to somehow cash in on soon.  It happens.

Annnnnd SCENE!

OK, I'm tried of typing now, so that oughtta do it.  Not bad, huh?  I think this BlermonTM had a little something for everyone in it today: a poem, a conspiracy theory, a picture of whatever THIS is...

And, of course  a puppy lookin' at a gopher thingy.

I tell ya, this blog does it all.

Now if I just had a sermon idea for this morning.

Stay tuned.  Don't steal my stuff.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT, FINISH THE RACE, WEAR THE RIGHT PANTS

Beware: "Right" pants required.

My guess is I won't able to walk for...let's say 3 days.  Maybe a week.

I love bike riding.  Early, with friends, in the country - the best.

Of course, the REASON I probably won't be walking much the next few days is BECAUSE I went riding this morning.  Early, with friends, in the country.  Which as you know, I love.

But THIS morning I made the mistake of doing it without what is called: the "right" pants.  

This was a mistake.  

Note to self: To ride a 400 mile route without the proper attire, in this case, padded bike shorts, is very close to subjecting yourself to slow-cooked capital punishment...with a hot poker. 

EDITOR'S NOTE: they said we rode only 16 miles - which for them, it probably was.  This is because THEY were wearing the "right" pants.  But if you were wearing what I had on - Levis 501 Jeans, whitey tighties, and my 3-fold billfold stuffed with receipts, it was 400 excruciating miles...EASY.

I can't think off hand where it is EXACTLY in the Bible where the Apostle Paul talks about "Running The Race, finishing the course, and Dippit-dee-ing the doo"  - or whatever - and  if you think I'm getting out of this "tub-soaking" to go look for my Bible to look it up, you're nuts.  I can't move.  It was hard enough balancing this TV tray on my knees over the tub so that I could get my computer in here to BleachTM.  (BTW, I've never been so nervous bleachingTM as I am right now with a computer on a TV tray, on my knees, in a tub - anyhow) 

Just take my word for it!  The PAUL thing is IN there - somewhere.

The point is this, I wish Paul woulda been more specific as to the KIND of race he was talkin' about, because then he might have included a little something about making sure you had on the "right" pants before you took off down the highway.

And don't give me that stuff about Paul talkin' about "Putting on the armor of God" - NObody wears armor on a bike ride.

Man, I am so grumpy when my...um...ah...when I'm in pain.  

And balancing a TV tray on my knees in a tub.


I need a cookie.

As together we stand and sing.

BP