Buckle Your Bible Belt

I have to admit, I was not prepared for the exciting, miraculous news that greeted me this morning as as logged on to tap out yet another scripture-packed, wisdom-rich, award-winning blog-a-serm.  But whether I was prepared or not,  it was news that certainly caught my attention, and sent  me reeling back into my chair so hard I nearly flung myself into the baptistry.

What was this world-shaking news?  Simply this...the 9 followers this blog enjoyed just yesterday, has somehow miraculously, over night, EXPLODED into a mammoth sum of 17 today!

Can you believe that?  Are you hearing what I'm saying?!  Are you familiar with the number 17!? 

This is huge. 

And if I spell it out , it looks ever bigger.  Seven-teen!   See?

Put it in all caps and it's even MORE impressive:  SEVEN-TEEN!

Bold it and look how big it gets: SEVEN-TEEN!

And look at it now: S-E-V-E-N-T-E-E-N!!!!


Frankly, I...am...astonished by all this news. Gob-smacked, really.  Speechless.  Well, I can always find SOMEthing to say, but you know what I mean.

I am also very grateful.

But...I am also cautiously wary.

You see, I've been preaching for a long time now, and  blog preaching (or Bleaching) for almost 2 weeks, and I know that as wonderful as it is, this kind of unexplained growth CAN lead to disaster.  Especially for me. 

As a frequent visitor to The Semi-Daily Preacher, a person by the name of "Anonymous," wrote just this morning:

"What is this phenomenal growth? 

9 yesterday and 17 today. 

This is a revival as we march toward 25 

(the top number of a BP church before a split), 

that magic number (12+12+1: notice the trinitarian pattern?) 

Could 25 trigger the rapture? 

Who knows?

Buckle your bible belt, follow, and find out.  

Rcorley"

Note the crazy talk embedded in this comment:  "Revival...church split...magic number...rapture...march...trigger..."

What is Anonymous saying?  Does HE even know?

And even more disturbing, note at the end of this comment, when Anonymous signs the comment "Rcorely".  Who the heck signs an anonymous comment?

Well which is it?  Anonymous?  Or Rcorely?  Is it both?  Is there yet ANOTHER name Anonymous would like to bring into the mix?  What's going on here?

Very simply, this kind of early morning typing madness is a result of what is called, Unexpected Accelerated Growth or UAG.  And "Anonymous Rcorely" is clearly suffering the consequences. But, he is not alone.

Another commenter from yesterday wrote simply: 

"I love mustard."

Well now, what the HECK is THAT supposed to mean?   Who knows?  

What we DO know is that this commenter apparently...loves mustard.  But what about ketchup?  Relish anyone?  Are pickles not worth a mention? 

What's happening?  We may never know.  What we DO know is that UAG appears to have claimed another victim.

Clearly, these are just two examples of what happens when growth occurs too quickly in the blog-a-church or "Blurch"  as I've come to call it...just now.  When a Blurch grows too quickly, people can lose their minds, as well as control over their typing fingers.  Before they know it, they're signing comments  with 4 or 5 different names, or blabbing recklessly about various condiments.  

Others simply stand idly by and watch.  Unable to help.  Unable to figure out what to say.  Unable to figure out how to use the technology necessary to even leave a dang comment.   Tragic.  

Thank you UAG...thank you...for NOTHING.

Needless to say, this is a critical time for "The Semi-daily Preacher."  It appears UAG is going to be the cross we must bear at least for now.  If we keep at the pace we're going now, we could easily hit 4 million Followers by  next Tuesday.  Strap in, everybody.  Bumpy road ahead.

So we have to be ready.  We have to be there for each other. 

We must, as "Anonymous Rcorely" has said, 

"Buckle Your Bible Belts!"

And...

"Love mustard."

Fabulous.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Take Up Thy Blog And Follow Me

Well, it is truly an amazing day here at The Semi-Daily Preacher.  Let the rejoicing begin in earnest!  You say, "What the heck are you talkin' about, Preacher?"

Very simply this.

If you will  take a moment right now and take a glance down at the "FOLLOWERS" section of this blog (located somewhere on here, I'm not sure where, I move it all the time.  I get bored easy.), if you look there at that FOLLOWERS section, I think you will see something truly remarkable.

As of today, 3/30/11, the number of people following this blog has SKYROCKETED from just NINE followers  to just OVER NINE FOLLOWERS!

Or in other words...TEN!

Can you BELIEVE that?  We have TEN followers in about TWELVE days of blogging.  That's about 3/4 of a person every day!  This is amazing.  Clearly, The Semi-Daily Preacher is already positioning itself to become the premiere place on the web for semi-daily preaching.

Beware Mr. Joel Olsteen.  I've got you in my sites.

What is also wonderful about this news is that we are just TWO followers away from the magic number of TWELVE followers, which is the number of followers the Lord went for when he was first scrapin' up his first bunch of fishermen and rednecks.  He started with just TWELVE and look what happened.  WE already have NINE...can you imagine what could happen to US?  It's hard to I know.  Web businesses are kinda iffy.

Now it's true, right now my wife Gidget, is technically one of my followers.  So really we're still at just NINE followers.   I know it's kind of a loser move to make your wife say she's a follower of your blog.  It looks bad.  But look, I was desperate!  Shoot me.  I don't see any of YOU critics out there blogging on a semi-daily basis!  It's no picnic, take it from me.

And truth be told, it's sort of a joke to call Gidget a "follower" of mine anyhow, because Gidget has NEVER done anything I've EVER told her to do in 20 years of bein' married.   I see no reason why she'd start now, blog or no. blog.  Between you and me, she can be VERY bossy if you wanna know the truth.  Which is a terrible quality for a follower.

Her non-follower-bossiness is the main reason I have to write this blog in the bathroom most mornings.  Something about the "tippy tapping" keeping her awake.  Personally,  I think the "tippy tapping" wouldn't bother her so much if she'd wake up before 11:30. Anyhow...

Once we are able to secure those extra two or three followers and get to the magic number of TWELVE, I will immediately move Gidget from a "Follower" into the "Mary Magdalene" position.  I'll need SOMEbody to wash my feet with their tears and wipe them with their hair, and I can think of no one better to do that than her.

Of course, I have not  yet broached that  "touchy" subject with her, and I am confident that it WILL  get pretty nasty when I do.  But that's my problem.  You guys just focus on reading the blog and following me.  Let me worry about Mary Magdalene.

Once we have those first TWELVE followers, I believe there is nothing holding this blog back from getting THIRTEEN followers.  Or possibly even...FIFTEEN followers.  

And once THAT is accomplished, I think I can  confidently say that it wont be long before we start hearing  from a little company called Microsoft or Apple or maybe even from the good folks at Good N Plenty, all looking for their piece of the Semi-Daily Preaching Pie.  Which I think should be pecan, but we can talk about that later.

In closing...

You know, growing a following for a blog is as much of a struggle as growing a following for a church.  And struggling at growing a church is something I know a little bit about.

Actually, I know even MORE about NOT growing a church.  I've never had a chuurch bigger than 25 people, and even THAT's fudgin' the numbers some.  What are we saying?  Simply this...

It takes a village to raise a child, but if you can get even HALF of that  village as well as that same little  child to become Followers of this blog, you can probably sell stuff to 'em eventually.

So ask yourself this question:

 "What have I done today to make "The Semi-Daily Preacher" a better blog?"

"What 210 people can I tell today about The Semi-Daily Preacher?"

"What's in it for me?"

Short answer to that last question: "nothing".   There's nothing in it for you.  Well, maybe a t-shirt or a paper weight of some kind someday.  

But a paper weight is a small reward in comparison to the unadulterated SATIFACTION you will recieve from spamming your entire address book with this blog site.  And that's just ONE idea!

It's that SATISFACTION in knowing you have done all you can to tell the world about The Semi-daily Preacher, and having done that to ...blah blah blah blah...whatever.  You get it.

As together we stand and sing...

BP

Ask A Preacher

I was recently contacted by a Super Fan of mine who had the courage to ask me this very personal yet vitally important query:

"Brother Preacher, how DO you do it?  

How do you keep such a tight preaching schedule, 

maintain your slim, athletic physique, 

AND pull off a soon-to-be-award-winning-semi-daily-blog-a-sermon 

on a semi-daily basis?!"

It was a great question.  The likes of which, I wish more of YOU would ask me once in a while, instead of the usual load of mediocrity I am forced to sift through every morning.  Let's face it, I get a little weary of answering the same 'ole questions every day.  Who wouldn't?  Most of you ask me stuff like:

"What's with your hair, Preacher?"

"Preacher, don't you owe me some money?"

"You call THAT a sermon?"

It gets old.  But at this point in my blogging career, I guess I gotta take what I can get as far as fans and followers and commenters go.  So, boo-hoo for me.  Lift up thine eyes to the future!  We press on!!  Anyhow...

I understand the questioners confusion.  How DO I do it all?  I know many of you have been wondering the same thing.   A cursory look at the blog entries in my archive will demonstrate that I am able to do more in a 24 hour day  than most preachers do in a 12 day tent revival.  And that's not even counting acing my crossword puzzle obsession every day.

What I am able to accomplish in one day is, in a word: too much to handle.  And mind-boggling.  And amazing.  I almost seem, dare I say it...super human.  Easily above average.  I'm a C+ without even TRYIN'!

I have to admit though, I DON'T  do it all alone. I do have SOME help.  Not so much from on High, but from YOU, the  fans.  I mean members.

Every day since beginning this blog I have received a constant stream of helpful hints and suggestions for blog topics.  Some of which include:

"What's with all the trash on the roads?"

"Why isn't the Final Four called the Final Three to reflect the Trinity?"

"How the heck did Cain and Able have kids without any other girls on the planet?"

"How do you spell Ecclisieastes?  Eccliciates?  Eclisiateees?"

"Was that your picture I saw in the Post Office?"

"Why haven't you answered my question yet?"

As you can see, with all this help from my fans and botherers of this blog I am set for topics to preach on (or should I say "Bl-each on") from now til the COWS come home and THEY start reading my blog.  And cows RARELY read blogs...if EVER.  I don't think cows CAN read.  So that is a long, long time.

So what makes for a "good" question to submit to this blog?

Well first of all, I'd like to point out, THAT question WAS an excellent example of an excellent question.  Make your questions more like "What makes a good question?" and you're already on the right track!  

But to be more specific, what makes a good question for this blog falls into three simple categories:

1.) ASK ALL YOUR QUESTIONS IN ENGLISH.

Why?  Because it's the only language I can really count on knowing at any given time.  

Some of my fans from other countries think they're cute writing me questions in French and German and Spanish.  Which is fine if that's what you wanna do.  I'll just say right now, it's gonna be a while before you see any ANSWER from ME.  That Rosetta Stone thingy is a great program but it is DANG expensive for a Preacher. 

Of course I do read and write ancient Greek to help in my preaching, but as many of you know, I often panic, and make a lot of that up as I go.

2.) ASK A QUESTION YOU'RE PRETTY SURE I ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER TO.

This is such an important point.  It is so much easier for me to Bl-each on topics I know SOMETHING about.  Stuff like: the Bible, God, Gilligan's Island, Sega Genesis, Genesis...that kind of thing.  

Stuff I know NOTHING about include: Math and crafts.  Try to steer clear of them.  Finally...

3.) ASK A QUESTION WITH A "?" AT THE END SO I KNOW IT'S A QUESTION.

Some of you end your questions with a period or worse yet nothing at all.  It is a barbaric, unpunctuated time in which we live!  One guy ended a question to me with one of these:

(*)

Needless to say, I answered him with this:

M{<>}

Which shut him up.  You can't be a Preacher and let people push you around.

So thanks again to all of you for your continued help in bringing you the best in Blog Preaching!  

And remember, if you ever notice this blog starting to lose the quality you've come to expect...you can only blame YOURSELF for all the crappy questions you're submitting.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Chicken Preacher

I had one long, crazy dream last night.  It was exhausting, and terrifying and strangely filling all at the same time.  I can only hope that writing about it now will help me calm down some.  Watching cartoons has only made it worse. 

All night long I dreamed I was eating chickens in a white Colonel Sanders suit.

Not MONSTER chickens or anything lke that.  Just regular 'ole chickens in a chicken coop.  All night long.  In a white suit.  It...was..chilling.

'Cause lemme tell ya, these  chickens were everywhere.  I was SURROUNDED by 'em. There were chickens of every description, just flappin' and squakin' and peckin' at me in a whirlpool of angry feathers and beaks and talons.   All I could do was grab 'em and eat 'em as fast as I could.   I stuck some of the smaller ones in my pockets for later.

The whole thing kinda reminded me of a Preacher's Potluck Fried Chicken Festival I attended one time in Muskogee.  Now THAT was terrifying.  You don't EVER wanna see a bunch of Preachers EAT when their wives aren't around.  Especially if it's FREE food.  Anyhow...

I'm still not sure what my "chicken dream" meant, or what it was trying to tell me, but it DOES explain why my pillow was in shreds this morning.   And why my wife, Gidget, had the faint smell of bar-b-que sauce on her arm.

Thank goodness Gidget's a light sleeper.  I'd hate to think of what all she went through while I slumbered and pigged out on those chickens during my midnight munch-a-rama.

EDITOR's NOTE: 

Gidget cleaned up fine with a light sponging and a Wet-nap.

So while I dont yet know what that dream meant, SOME things are obvious:

1.) Vegetarians and vegans are relieved.

2.) Pillow lovers are in shock.

3.) Gidget smells ike a Wet-nap now.

Oh, to have the gifts of dream intturpretation as Joseph did while in the service of Potifer's house.  What would HE say about my "chicken dream"?

"There will be 7 years of famine"

"There will be 7 years of plenty."

"You will work for KFC for 7 years."

"Gidget is about to market some delicious bar-b-que sauce."

"It's time to buy a new pillow."

We may never know.  

Let go into the mystery of life....

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BTW: I will say this, I will MISS that pillow.

Preaching Tip #2: What To Do With Sundays?

Sundays are so very vital to the Preacher's work week.  Why?  Because of all the days IN the week, it is the ONE day we actually DO any REAL work.

Sundays are why I prefer Mondays - which are my day off.  I also like Thursdays because I usually set it aside as a day of fasting and taking myself to lunch.  Fridays aren't bad because everybody is so busy looking forward to the week-end, they forget I'm even around. So it's really a second day off, which is kinda cool.

I love Saturdays because: CARTOONS RULE! 

Tuesdays are a handy time to work on my sermons or see an afternoon movie.  I LOVE movies.

Wednesdays stink.  I HATE Wednesdays.  I've usually got a class to do and some visits to get in.  And Wednesday is by FAR the hardest day of the week to SPELL correctly.  It looks like Wed-NES-day.  Which makes absolutely NO sense.  Thank-you, Polycarp!  Or whoever it's named after.  Wednesday-carp.

But Wednesdays are NOTHING compared to  SUNDAYS, which can be a REAL bear for the Preacher.  Let's talk bout it.

My Sunday usually starts off with a quick scan of the newspaper - I LOVE the Sunday comics, they're usually in color, and invariably I get sermon ideas from them. 

"Don't tear up the yard, Marmaduke!"

Jesus never tore up a yard.  

He cursed a fig tree once 

But that's because he was mad at it, 

Not trying to bury a bone in it.

Therefore...

Dare to be a Marmaduke!

Or whatever.

As together we stand and sing.

Something like that - you get it.

Next, I make myself a delicious bowl of Fruit Loops (get my fruit in) and some coffee (get the caffeine goin') some low fat milk (because my wife won't buy the REAL kind of milk) and a waffle (because I love waffles). 

A hard day of  preaching requires a serious breakfast.

And eventually a sermon. 

Which is why right after breakfast  I  begin to frantically work on my sermon for that day.  This is really the hardest, most stressful time of a Sunday for me. Or of the whole week, really.  

That's because it is at THIS precise moment, I realize I've messed around all week and never got around to gettin' my sermon done.  And if Marmaduke is crumby that day, I can be in REAL trouble.

So what do I do?

First, I turn on the Sunday morning church shows and I start memorizing as fast as I can.  Some would call this plagiarising, I call it "Memorizing As Fast As I Can."

But this can be tricky.  'Cause a lot of those guys, make no sense to me whatsoever.  Some have a tie on, some have spiky, cool hairdos.  I saw a guy one time preached a whole sermon from inside a school bus he'd brought up on stage.  It was amazing.  But I didn't HAVE a school bus handy at the time, so it was no help at all to ME.

So around that time I usually decide to just wing it like I always do.  And I'm fine with this.

After that, it's all pretty much a blur of preaching and classes and old ladies and kids and fried chicken and mad elders and confused visitors.  I LOVE it!  Sot of. 

But I get through it all with the Lord's help, and a LOT of announcements, and a kid's church presentation and a visiting missionary or two.  Before I know it, Sunday morning is a distant memory.

Which reminds me of the words of that old gospel preacher song:

"Come Monday, it'll be alright

Come Monday, I'll be holding you tight

I spent 4 lonely days

In the brown L.A. haze

Now what will I preach Sunday Night?

Oh, what will I preach...Sunday Night?"

Now be encouraged!  And go get your preach on today!   

(By the way, Marmaduke's pretty good today if you need some ideas.)

As together we stand and sing,

BP

The Jiffy Life

Life is shor...

Sometimes so are blo...



BP

BIG Preaching

I think I shrunk my jeans.

At least that's what I'm HOPING has happened. 

If I DIDN'T shrink my jeans, prepare to be depressed. 

If I didn't shrink my jeans, I'm left with only one other possibility.  I think you know what I'm talkin' about, and suddenly, I don't like where this post is going.  It's almost too horrible to imagine.

If I DIDN'T shrink my jeans, the only other conclusion I can come to is that I have once again become what I have tried to avoid all year.   I have once again returned to my role as...

"The Fatty Fat Fat Preacher."

"The Back-slider of Bagels."

"The Pastry Preacher"

"The Snicky Snack Sermonizer."

"The Cheater of Cheez-its."

"The Roly Poly Holly Roller."

What a tragedy.  What a blow to my ministry. What a blow-UP to my waistline.

What happened?  Was it the cold March weather?  The scary movie marathon on TBS?  My friend's new cooking class, in which he used me as his guinea pig-homework- "here, taste this" audience? 

Maybe it was the stress of starting an award-winning, semi-daily, blog-a-sermon?

Who knows?

My guess is that it was probably the Girl Scout cookies.  And the 3rd helping cheesy pasta.  And of course, the two weeks of no exercise.  Maybe all three.

Needless to say, I will need to start ignoring this problem ASAP.  Begin eating my troubles away.  Maybe polish off a large pepperoni pizza at lunch - that oughtta shut my bad thoughts about myself up.

I'll also need to make  a list of people I can blame for my recurring flubber fight.  That should be easy.  I always keep a "Blame List" handy for just such an emergency.

Most importantly, I will look for encouragement from the Bible.  Fat times require fat verses.  And so I turn to the one of the 12 disciples who would most understand my plight.   I turn to the THADDEUS,  "The Fat Disciple." 

Thaddeus, or FATTEUS as he was known by Jesus' inner circle, was by far the fattest disciple.  Well, I assume he was.  Somebody HAD to be, and he's just as good a guess as the others.  Funny name too, so I'll go with it.

Fatteus probably  enjoyed fried fish over broiled, manna covered in cheese, lentils dipped in bar-b-que sauce.  Clearly he didn't walk anywhere.  When it was time to volunteer to walk on the water with Jesus, Thaddeus probably acted distracted by a coa coa covered ant.  When Jesus fed the 5,000 and there were 7 baskets of food left over; it was Thaddeus who no doubt single-handedly finished 'em off.

Preachers are often emotional eaters.  Fatteus was no exception.

On the other hand, Andrew was the FIT preacher.  And probably a little braggy about it too.  Fatteus probably couldn't STAND  Andrew.  I know I can't.   Especially now as I sit in these Fatteus shrunken jeans.  

And yet I know that in spite of how I'd LIKE to respond to this problem, in reality I must buck up, ignore my feelings and...

DARE TO EAT LIKE  AN ANDREW!

So what have we learned? 

Basically, that I've packed on a few. And in spite of my true feelings, know that it's time to get serious again.   So in lieu of stuffing another Thaddeus-worthy muffin in my mouth, I leave you now with this inspiring poem...

FATTEUS THE FATTER

by BP

See him preaching this and that

See him eating from a sack

Chips and dip and Chicken fried,  

 Cheesy doodles, chocolate pies,

He reads a verse, then eats again

Unleavened bread, the Preacher's friend

A little taste, Pot luck surprise

Then "Look a Pizza!  Dino-size!"

Yeah verily now behold the fact:

The Sermon's over, the fat is back.

Brother Preacher

Fatland, 3/25/11

"Then neither do I condemn thee.  Now go and eat no more." 
(Amplified version.  REALLY amplified.)

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Mechanical Missionary

What an exciting morning it has been.  What started out as just another trip to the mechanic's shop, has suddenly transformed into my very first IMPROMPTU MISSIONARY JOURNEY!

(INSERT WILD APPLAUSE HERE)

It all started early today when I dropped my car off at my mechanics shop.  I knew the car was going to absconded for most of the day, so I had planned on sitting at the shop, and sample some of the delicious coffee while I made  up names for the other customers who came in after me.

I love that game.  Sometimes I make up the weirdest names I can for them, then assign each of them some terrible, tragic back story that matches the name.   It's a GREAT game.  For about 8 minutes.

Then you realize you're sitting in a waiting room at a shop, drinkin' coffee, reading a ROD N REEL magazine from 1994.

It was at that moment it hit me: Wait a minute.  I'm a dang PREACHER!  I will get up from here,  traverse the town and PREACH!   A missionary journey while I wait !  Just like the Apostle Paul.

Only it'll just be for a couple of hours, of course. And I'll probably have to get lunch sometime in there.  And I would PREFER that there be a minimum amount of prison time and persecution involved.  And I DON'T wanna get snake bit.  Beatings are out too.

But other than that...pretty much a missionary journey...just like Paul! 

And what a surprise it will be to all the unsuspecting victims who have the misfortune of crossing paths with me on my journey.  Very few people EXPECT to EVER be preached at by a traveling preacher waiting on his car to be fixed.  Surprise evangelism can be  most effective.  

Reminds me of a poem I'm about to write...

Another run of answered prayer

Another dream come true

Another victim standing there

My sermon is set loose

Set loose upon a sleeping world

That doesn't get the pit-cha

While oil is changed and tires are twirled 

My sermon's gonna git cha!

Brother Preacher

Circa, 20-this morning

Well that's the plan, anyway.  So far I've only made it to the Coffee Shop in town.  I haven't done any actual preaching yet either.  The guy at the counter said I needed to let my herbal tea steep for about 15 minutes first.  So there was that.  Then I had to eat a muffin.  I said "no raisins" or course there WERE raisins all through it.  So have to eat around those.  It all takes time.

Then of course, I have to sit here and get this blooming blog out - which by the way could've been done already if the lady sitting next to me could've shaved about 45 minutes off her FASCINATING tale about how her kid plays soccer and her other kid plays softball, and she USED to play the saxophone and oddly enough was not interested in going to Penn State anymore.  And her quilt is almost done.  And she bores people to death.  And her friends have all moved away 'cause they can't stand her boing stories, or that laugh.  And her husband wants to kill her.  As do I.

How does she do it all?  How have I not killed her yet? 

Persecutions all around me - thwarting my preaching.  My missionary journey already in crisis.  I hate raisins.  I hate this lady!  I hate quilts!  Shut UP!!!

Sigh...where was I?  Oh, who cares?  My tea is cold now.  Who has EVER steeped tea for 15 minutes?!  That's insane!   That kid has no idea what he's talking about.  The culture is so different on a missionary journey.  I guess I'm having what they call, "culture shock".  In THIS land they give you cold tea, and raisins and bore you til your dead.  It's tough here in the mission field.   Who puts raisins in muffins anyway?

I yearn for HOME!  Where the heck is my CAR?! 

Still...I preach on...with another poem I'm about to write...

So change a plug and fill the fluid

Take all day, I do not care

While you lube, I will be preaching

Sermon victims best beware

With my car still at the station

And my tea now cold as ice

I'll make for me an illustration

I can use this Sunday Night

A story 'bout the yakking wife

 Annoying all with  boring fables

And how a preacher killed her twice

First in his mind, then with a bagel

I just want to end this blog

And get on with my journey

The yakking's put me in a fog

Will you please stop talking?  

What is the MATTER with you!?  

I'm trying to write here!?  

I'd leave but I can't 

because I don't have a CAR

 I'm on a missionary journey! 

I can't hear myself THINK !!

I don't  know what I'm writing

I stopped rhyming seven lines ago!  

Where's my tea!!!???

Get these raisins out of here!

AHHHHH!

I said, "AHHHHHHHH!"

Brother Preacher

Circa, please shut up.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Preaching Tip #1

You know, so many times I begin sentences by saying, "You know so many times...".

I'm not sure when I started doing that, or even why.  But let me tell ya - it is a tough habit to break.  It just feels so good coming out of my mouth.  I even love typing it.  "You know so many times..."

It is an effective verbal defensive move.  Especially when preaching.  I'll bet I begin close to 40% of my sermons with the words, "You know so many times..."  It is one of the biggest tools in the "Preachers Toolbox" that I know of.  Well, that and, "A story is told..."  and  "We have a man who..."

You see, in preaching (as in life) it is important to find what I like to call "time killers" or "preacher pull-overs " or "loop-d-loos",  that allow you to begin preaching your sermon without actually getting IN to your sermon and blowin; your wad too early.  You know so many times (I just did it again) I've BEGUN a sermon while still figureing out what that semon was gonna be about!  Wonderful.

"You know so many times" is especially effective when you've got a 30 minute sermon slot to fill,  but only brought a 5 minute camp devotional talk in your Bible. Normally this would be a disaster.  You'd have to have a 25 minute Q and A portion that will kill you and your audience. 

But with "you know many times", you can easily kill off 15 minutes just by messing with this one phrase.  Then you preach the 5 minute devo talk, hold out the invitation for 5 minutes or so, and then have a 5 minute Q and A and you're done!

And there's more you can do than just SAY the phrase.

For example, I can stretch this wonderful phrase out like this: "You know (long pause) so many times (another long pause) ...we...(pause)..."

This keeps everyone on the edge of their seat, waiting to see what you'll say next.  Of course there is also a portion of the audience that will be lulled to sleep.  Either way - IT'S WORKING!

Sometimes DURING that first pause I pretend I thought of something funny and lost my place.  Like:

"You know (long pause...shake head laugh)...oh man...I just thought of something REALLY funny.  (laugh again)  Oh mercy.  (laugh again, audience laughs nervously)...Oh man!  (huge laugh, fall on the ground, audience laughing big though confused).  Where was I?  (Big applause from audience, followed by smaller laugh, trying to calm down) Anyhow.  You know (pause) so many times...(pause) we..."

Guess what?  You just killed 7 minutes!  All with one phrase!   Other times, in the middle of this phrase,  I pretend to see somebody I know in the audience. 

"You know, so many times we...hold on...is that Fred Wally in the audience?!  (audience looks around) Well when did you walk in, Fred? (audience chuckles).  I can't believe they LET YOU in here!  (Big laugh from the audience) Sorry, everybody.  I haven't seen Fred in 20 years!  (polite applause) He's a great man.  He once sewed my leg up in Korea and now gives blood to Bible Smugglers and baby seals!  (bigger audience applause).  Stand up Fred, and let 'em see ya!  (Huge applause.  Then Fred says something that no one can hear.  You  fall on the floor laughin'.  Audience has no idea what you're laughing about or what Fred said, but they crack up anyway, apparently having inserted their own joke, and applaud louder than ever.).  Anyhow, where was I...

You don't even HAVE to preach now if you don't want to.  The audience would rather talk to Fred anyway.  In the meantime, you've killed 23 minutes!  Technically you can wing it from here and save the other stuff for next Sunday.

I hope you have found this valuable Preaching Tip a help and a blessing to you today.  I know I did. 

As together we stand and sing.

BP

On Bended Knee and Broken Back

I hurt my shoulder yesterday moving a huge box of Bible Concordances from my living room pulpit  upstairs to the portable baptistry I keep hidden in my wife's sewing stuff.

I'm sure many of you have seen that portable baptistry before.  It's the same one I use as a dunking machine every summer at the Knuckles County fair.

I am still amazed at the number of people you can get baptized at a fair when they think it's just a dunking machine. Granted, they look a little confused when I ask to take their confession  right as their friends start chuckin' baseballs balls at 'em.

But hey - if I work fast enough, and their friends are bad shots, I usually get the job done in time.  Anyhow...

I needed to get rid of the Bible Concordances in order to make room for the new Pocket Pulpit Pull Up Bars I had installed back there - it allows me to get a little work out in while I'm preaching.  I will admit, it's a little tough getting my feet off the floor though.  Not because I'm not strong enough, but because I have a really short pulpit.  Anyhow...

I hurt my shoulder yesterday.

The day before that I burned my tongue on some berry flavored herbal tea (no cortisol).

Back in November I cut my thumb while attempting remove a label off a can of shoe peg green beans .

Sometime back in 1993 I was attempting to stand on my head while listening to yoga on tape, slipped,  fell into a TV, cut my elbow, twisted my back, and hurt my neck to the point that I STILL to this day can't look over my right shoulder without thinking that a little kid is stabbing me with a plastic dinosaur he just pulled from the fireplace.

Once I broke my toe jumpin' up and down on a movie seat.

A horse threw me through a screen door one time.

I often choke on my own saliva.

At a Holiday Inn in Wise, Virgina I knocked my teeth out while  jumpin' from one bed to another on a Hoppity Hop.

While attempting to hit a tractor tire with a bowling pin, the bowling pin bounced off the tire and into my eye, which left me blind for a week, with a concussion, and a love affair with pain killers.

From 1978-1984 I electricuted myself 16 times on an electric fence.  Two times while running from a herd of baby pigs.

I have been trampled by a herd of baby pigs exactly twice.  Each time WHILE being electrocuted by a fence.

I could go on about the chipped knee cap, the torn toenail, the smashed foot, the broken ankle, the broken heart...but I won't.

What are we saying?  Simply this...

We've all been hurt.  We just don't all have a sign around our necks with a list of them for all the world to see.   Well, I DO - but it's in the portable baptistry right now and kinda tough to get to and besides, blogs are easier.

But even without the signs to warn us of the possibly fragile person we may be meeting today, it's good to always remember that list is still there, just like ours.  And I don't know about you, but  somehow knowing that list is there makes them a little easier to take.

(PAUSE TO REFLECT)

You're not gonna believe this...but I think I just made a POINT.  That was AMAZING.   I havn't made a point in 15 years.  Wow.  Didn't even see it comin'.

OK, so it was a little corny and maybe a little "whatever" but hey...this is ME we're talkin' about!  I'll take what I can get.  Get off my back!  No, really, get off my back.  Don't you know I hurt my shoulder yesterday?

As together we stand and sing!

BP

The Ground Floor and the Final Four - Part 2

This is so exciting.  This is the first time in the history of this blog that I've ever had a "Part 2" to anything.  What accelerated progress we are enjoying!

At this this rate, there's no telling what could happen.  For all we know, we could be standing on the ground floor of of a 22 part series.

Maybe 12.

This could even be the start of a 115 part series...think about THAT for a minute.

Between you and me, I hope it DOESN'T go that long, I'm simply saying...it COULD. 

Blog you are a mystery!

Blog you are a thrill!
Blog we will make history!

Bloggy bloggy brill!

As you may have read in the comment section of the first post of this blog, there is some genuine concern out there that Kentucky win the Final Four Basketball Tournament this year.  By "concern" I mean "hope."

Naturally, considering the fact that I know so very much about the sport, and will answer it from a Biblical and therefore correct viewpoint, I have been asked my opinion on this very important topic.  Good move on your part.  I can think of no one more qualified than myself.

To give an accurate answer to this question, one must first separate oneself from all one's dogs in one's fight.  By that I mean - all emotion must be eliminated from the question before answering.

Case in point: I personally love the uniforms Kentucky has. For many years I sported the same design for both my gardening clothes as well as my pajamas.  They always made me feel jumpy and dribbly - but in a GOOD way.

But how a team's uniform make us feel while we're sleeping or mixing fertilizer can have no bearing on whether or not we think they're going win the Final Four.

Secondly, all personal ties to a team must be extracted.  Sure you may be from Kentucky, but this doesn't mean they still don't stink.  Being from the moon doesn't make it a good place to swim.  

I'll shine that last illustration up later.

Finally - all that really matters when determining whether or not a particular team will win the Final Four is...

1.) Do they know what a basketball is?

2.) Do they know what to DO with that basketball?

And finally - 

3.) Do they have any horses?

This last consideration is really the key to the whole thing.  You will find that, all things being equal, the team that has horses usually wins.  Doesn't do wonders for the court of course - horses refuse to wear sneakers for very long - but the guys who have horses just...dominate.

Horses make winners.  And that's why my pick for this year's Final Four are these 4 guys...

 The 4 Horseman

Klangdon, Roy, Bobby, and Pedro

As together we stand and sing,

BP

The Ground Floor and the Final Four

You know, in the three exciting, media-soaked, Johnny Appleseed-like days since I've had this blog, one question keeps going over and over in my mind: what the heck am I gonna write about next?

It's an important question.  Especially since I'm the only one writing this semi-daily, semi-important, semi-earth-shaking-blog-to-the-stars-type-a-rama. (Shoulda held off on a couple of those last few dashes.  Sorry, I get carried away.  Back to the blog.).

But between you and me, I really couldn't care LESS about the question. The QUESTION doesn't interest me in the SLIGHTEST!   What I'M interested in is the ANSWER.  And HAVING that answer relatively soon.  Like, sometime before I finish this posting would be nice. 

Why?  Because I'm hungry, OK?   Make sense?   Look, I made a mistake.  I thought I'd do a little blogging before breakfast.  I was wrong!  So sue me.  Look, now I know: pre-breakfast blogging is bad. 

Which reminds me of the words of...somebody...probably me:

"We live, we blog, we learn.

A pig, a dog, a fern.

In Heaven nothing burns

We Live, we blog, we learn."

Powerful words.  Powerful potential song.

And so in this time of trouble, I turn to what many of my  high-tech, modern-day "Blogger Brethren and Sistern" turn to in similar times of crisis...I turn to YOU, the Blogees of this blog, for blogging ideas.

What a wonderful, democratic, Christ-centered way to find topics.  Amen?  I have to admit, it beats coming up with something on my own every time.

And it should be pretty easy pickin's for me.  For as you can clearly see, the poplularity of this blog is already exploding!!  It's like two kid's sparklers on the 4th of July out there. 

In just 3 short days, I ALREADY have had over 100 views of this blog!   Can you believe that? 

I also have over FOUR faithful followers.  Count 'em!  OVER FOUR!   Now count 'em again.  Go ahead.  We've got time. 

I hope you 5 followers enjoy being on the ground floor of an international phenomenon...because that's where you are.  Strap in.

Of course, about 27 of those views were me, checkin' to see if this thing had actually launched or not.   Then I also had to go back on there to figure out how to load pictures, and Adsense (whatever the heck THAT is), and the counter thingy deal - whatever else.  It was a real mess.  Let's put it this way...I have DESTROYED my week-end!  OK?  But I have UPed my view count!  So we're even.

Now that I think of it, with all that messin' around on there, I'm probably really more like 78 of the 100 views.  Which isn't bad really, considering the fact that I have over 700 views of the 1000 views of my own videos on Youtube.  

What can I say?  I can't take my EYES off me! 

Anyhow...and so this morning, I turned to you, the Blogees of this blog for an idea of what to blog about next. 

And it was there in the comment section I noticed a controversy arising so loud and clear, so big and bold, so obviously important and crises-y that I knew I had no choice but to blog about it immediately:

WILL KENTUCKY WIN THE FINAL FOUR!?

Such an important question.  

Such an important answer.  

Surprisingly it is a topic that I have written several books on.  One while I was in seminary.  They laughed at me back then, "What in the world does Kentucky winning The Final Four have to do with the Bible, Preacher?"  

Well, guess what?  Who's laughing now?  I'll say it again.  Who..is laughing...now?

I'd laugh if I could but I am STARVING and don't have the strenght for it.  

So tune in tomorrow for the conclusion...and the beginning...of this very important Final Four thing!

As together we stand and sing.

Milk and Honey and Mormons

This morning I was lying in bed with my beautiful wife Gidget, discussing the same three topics we always discuss at that time of day:

1.) Are you up yet?  If not, then why are you talking to me?

2.) Where did all these Thin Mint cookie crumbs come from?

3.) Is it gonna be coffee or tea this morning?

The first one is easy to answer. Simply put: Gidget is a perpetual liar.  Always has been.  Especially in the morning.  She can't help it, runs in her family.  She knows good and well that if she's talking to me, she's already awake whether she likes it or not, so what are we discussing?   Get off my back and let's chat!

The second quesiton is harder.  Thin Mints tend to follow me around WHEREVER I go, just to make me look bad.  I honestly don't know where they come from or how they get in the house, let alone the bed.  I blame the Girl Scouts.  Girl Scouts can be tricky.  They've been known to sneak Thin Mints into people's houses at night so that they get in trouble from their wives.  I am living proof of this conspiracy.  I've never trusted 'em. 

Weebelos are my game.  But Webelos don't sell Thin Mints, and they have a name that's  impossible to spell the same way twice.  Weebellos.  Three times.

We can only hope they will soon go away.  The Thin Mints, I mean.  Not the Girl Scouts.  Anyhow, back to the blog!

The last question is the hardest of all to answer, but if not answered correctly has the potential for reeking havoc on a day, a marriage and the world.  That question is:

Coffee or Tea?

I must admit, this is the only time I seriously consider converting to Mormonism.  Mormons don't have this problem.  They just pop out of bed, have some orange juice, feed their 29 kids, get on their bikes and get to preaching.  Oh, the joys of being an orange juice-drinking Mormon!  That and the preachin' on bikes thing, of course, which always looks so fun.

I'll say this, if Mormons came to my house a 5:00 a.m. in the morning, I would convert faster than you can boil a pot of delicious hot coffee.  And I already HAVE my own bike.

Speaking of which: I LOVE 'em!  Mormons, I mean.  Well I love coffee too, and bikes, now that I think of it.

Coffee smells so wonderful.  Though I must admit it smells better than it tastes.  Unless you put so much cream and sugar in there that you might as well have a scoop of ice cream and call it a day instead of coffee.  THEN it tastes pretty good.  Like coffee favored ice cream.  Which would be great if it didn't taste like coffee.

Tea doesn't taste like anything really, though if going with the herbal variety contains no cortisol - which is good.  Cortisol inhibits lean muscle mass, which you should probably be concerned about, if you've got Thin Mints crumbs mysteriously showing up in your bed at night.

You can also drink tea with a saucer and holding your pinky out which always makes me feel English.  I don't know what it makes me LOOK like. 

But while the "Coffee VS Tea" question pervades my martial morning discussion, there are other decisions throughout the day that require just as much thought from all of us.  Questions like:

Creamy or nutty?

Potato or other kind of potato?

Bubbly water or flat water?  (careful, pick the wrong one and your head will spin).

Little onion or big garlic? 

Lemon or spoon?

So many decisions, so many choices so early in the morning before I've had my coffee. I need help.  So what does the Bible say about all this?  Well not much.  But I did find this:

Exodus 3:17
And I have said, I will bring you up out of the affliction...unto a land flowing with milk and honey.


So there you have it.  When in doubt...do both.  I guess.

I've tried milk and honey together- and I have to admit, not a top ten fav of mine, lemme tell ya.  Weird.

But I will say this, if you have milk and honey mixed up in cup enough times in the morning, soon anything seems better, coffee...OR tea...ANYTHING.  Problem solved!

As together we stand and sing.


PREACHER'S NOTE
Before I go, I DO wanna thank all of you for reading this new blog of mine.  It's so exciting, so earth-shaking.  I appreciate all the comments - good or not so much.  I have to agree with those of your who recognized the importance and value of this kind of blog.  It is true - the world will never be the same.

I would love to reply to your comments but as of yet can't figure out how to do it.  Until I do figure it out, I preach on.  With typing.  And hopefully, some day...a bike.

Thanks to to my so far 4 followers.  If I can at least get 12 I think I'll be onto something.

In closing I leave you with this:



Weird-lookin' table, or weird lookin' table?

The Day After (Saint Patrick's Day)

You know, every year I am  amazed by the unexpected wonderfulness of March 18th.

And this year has been no exception. Once again I awake to find that the birds are singing, the sun is shinning, the coffee is brewing, and I feel pretty dang good.  Primarily because I didn't  drink myself into a "Lephrachanic Stupor" on March 17th.

It is amazing what NOT abusing your body can do for creating a positive outlook on life.  Sadly, for many of you, this is not the case. For many of you reading this blog right now, you have a head that feels like a whirlpool filled with pancake batter and a tongue that tastes like it's grown hair.  I'm sorry to hear that.  I know it must stink.

And there is NOTHING worse than waking up on March 18th, thinking you were gonna "sleep it off" the following Saturday, only to find out that you've miscalculated and it's actually FRIDAY!  Now, "Mr. Fun" has to roll his fat rear out of bed, try to scrub the green paint off his stomach, put on a suit and give a talk on new zoning laws and how it will affect the property taxes in Tulsa.

Let's face it - your life is stinking right now.  No wonder you're wasting time reading stupid blogs.

The good news is, you're not alone.  There are many in the exact same position as you.  Some of them in the same room as you right now,  trying to act like they're understanding your rambling speech about the zoning laws in Tulsa.

Be kind.  It could be YOU someday.

What am I talkin' about?  It IS you!

Right NOW!

I believe, one of the best ways to recover from this horrible, sick feeling is to read the Bible.  Try reading about other famous drunks of scripture, notice how it worked out for them, and then determine if seeing your buddy Ralph dancing on the table last night in nothing but sweat socks and a watch, was as funny as it seemed at the time. 

For example, Noah got drunk and had relations with his daughters.  Samson got drunk and lost all his hair and super-human strength.  YOU got drunk slept with who knows what, and will probably lose your bloomin' job! 

Finally, study the famous Lephrechans of the Bible.

There aren't a LOT of those...unless you count Zacheus...which I am.  I don't think he was green, but he WAS short and lived in a tree. And THAT'S something we can ALL learn from.  At least, I think we can. 

Happy March 18th everybody!

BP