STAND AND PREACH!

I'm feeling poem-y.  You've been warned.

STAND AND PREACH!

by BP, circa this morning

Sunday's it, the day you sit

A tray of matzos passes

A quick Google search, says "You're in church,"

The Fancy call it "Mass-es".

The difference true, with me and you

The Preacher and Preach-ees

"Stuck" is you, in a pew

While I stretch my preaching knee-knees.

Some say it's wrong, to play ping pong

While preaching the Good News

I say its wrong to wear a thong

While sitting on new pews.

So when I teach, I'll STAND and preach

While you just SIT and fidget

I don't mind, I take my time

And wink at my wife Gidget.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

WRITE IS WRITE

Someone suggested recently that the best way to write is to simply start writing.  Between you and me this sounds like madness.  But at this point, I'm willing to try anything.  So...let's get writing!

OK.  I am typing words now.  

Well, THAT was worked pretty well.  All I did there was write and writing just CAME out of my fingers.  That was a whole sentence I didn't even know was comin'.

It JUST happened again!  Did you see THAT?  This is weird.

I wonder if the "just write it" technique also works with bowling?  I've always wanted to bowl.  I love rolling things. I'd REALLY like to know if it works with baptizing people.  Something tells me spontaneous baptizing COULD be dangerous.  Then again, it could be the solution to church growth we've been waiting for.

I don't know it you noticed it or not but I JUST wrote a WHOLE paragraph about BOWLING and "spontaneous baptizing".  Eat your heart out Joel Olsteen.

The problem is, how do you STOP writing once you've started?  My guess is you just st..

Amazing.

(I'll make this more sermon-y someday - or not.  Who cares?  I'm done!)

As together we stand and sing.

BP

A BLOMENT OF SILENCE

This morning I would like to start by having a brief moment (or BlomentTM...Blog-moment) of silence.  It is so rare we give ourselves such opportunities, and yet I believe it is essential to...whatever.  

So let's take a moment now to, bow our heads, close our eyes and just sit quietly.  Then in a few minutes you can open your eyes and start reading this BlermonTM (blog-sermon) again.  Ready?  Go!

(SILENCE: BlongregationTM Quiet Time)_

(Not done yet: Bow your head and BE QUIET! )

 (What did I JUST say?  SHHHH!)

(OK - you can open your eyes now and keep reading.)

Ha, ha!  Guess what?  I'm LONG GONE!  I left while you had your eyes closed!

HEE HEE! I was gone by the second picture.  I'm not even here NOW!

Of course, I know SOME of you didn't take the Bloment of Silence like you were supposed to, and now think you're SO smart.  I know the type.  You were the kind of kids who always screwed up a perfectly good snipe hunt too.  

Well guess what snipe hunt party poopers?  

I'm long gone ANYway!

And YOU didn't get your NAP in!  

So who's cryin' NOW!?

Ha, ha!  I'm a genius.  I gotta remember this one.  


Blogging is SO easy.  Well, it is the way I do it, anyhow.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

VIRGINS AND ME

Matthew 21:1-13 tells the story of the 10 Virgins who were waiting for the arrival of the Bridegroom.

Let me just say right off the bat, that when Gidget and I were married, Gidget was the only virgin I knew was at the wedding  at the time.  I had no idea you were supposed to have 10 hangin' around to choose from.  And Gidget never said anything about it, now that I mention it.  Weird.  Anyhow...

In that story we learn that of the 10 Virgins,  5 were wise, and 5 were dumber than a brick.

The 5 Wise Virgins came prepared with lamps and oil.  But the 5 Foolish Virgins messed around and slept, curled each other's hair, told ghost stories, had tickle fights and whatever else it is that Foolish Virgins do right before a wedding, and as a result, had NO oil for their lamps. 

When the word came that the Bridegroom was on his way, the Foolish Virgins freaked out and then ran off to try and buy some oil for their lamps real quick before the Bridegroom showed up.  

But of COURSE, while they were gone, who shows up but the Bridegroom who is thrilled to see the smart, well-prepared Virgins, and takes them into the palace or whatever, and introduces them to HIS Gidget (who I just can't see would be that thrilled with the idea no matter how smart and wise they were).

When the dumb-dumb virgins show up, they're late, tired, sweaty, holdin' cheap, over-priced oil, the Bridegroom of COURSE pretends like he doesn't even know who they are!   If I had a penny for every time this happened to ME.

Bottom line: The Foolish Virgins fooled around and were late gettin' to the party.

Which is not unlike what happened to ME today.  I TOO fooled around and was LATE getting to THIS  dang BLOG party.  Usually I have this thing posted by 7 in the morning or so.  It's almost 5:00 pm now.  I'm hungry.  I need a shower.

But does that make me a Foolish Virgin?

You'll have to ask Gidget, who I'm sure would be happy to chime in.  


OK, she just said I AM a Foolish Virgin. Which sounds weird when SHE says it.  Thanks for that, honey.

OK so I AM a Foolish Virgin!  So what?!  

At least I'm IN the Bible!  


What an example I am.

I amaze me.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

3 HOLE (Roof) PUNCH

Mark 2:4 says this - 

They couldn't bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, 

so they dug a hole through the roof above his head. 

Then they lowered the man on his mat, 

right down in front of Jesus.

Who says Christians aren't good roofers? 

Answer: No one.  

But if they ever do - you can show them Mark 2:4. That oughtta shut 'em up.  This is some SERIOUS roofing.  

Not only did these guys punch a hole through the roof - but they also let the man they were carryin' around down on a mat right in front of Jesus!  In other words, rope skills were also involved.  Christians make great cowboys.  And circus workers.

So what have we learned from this passage?  Three things:

1.) Sky lights are not only handy, they're scriptural.

2.) Never wait in line when you can punch a hole through a roof.  And #3...

3.) If Jesus ever wants to preach at your house and you just put a new roof on, move everybody to the (roofless) patio first.


As together we stand and sing.


BP

EPS SDP TESTING, TESTING 1-2-3

This is a test of the Emergency Preaching System. This is ONLY a test.  

Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeach!

Ameeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Baptiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiize!

Puuuullllpiiiiiiiiiit!

We have a just couple of announcements before we get started...

Turn in your Bibles if you would to...

A story is told of a little dog named Dippity Doo Doo...

In Closing...

Thus concludes our test of the Emergency Preaching System.  

Had this been an ACTUAL preaching emergency you would have been instructed as what to do to be saved as well as what to bring to the Pot Luck. 

Remember: Preaching is not for just anybody.  A pulpit in the wrong hands can be dangerous to you as well as to those around you.  

Before you preach, eat a peach.

Never attempt to preach unless there is someone else in the room listening to you.  If you are preaching only to yourself - take the hint and start selling insurance instead.

Before submitting anybody to a sermon make sure you have REALLY heard "the call" from ON HIGH, and not a radio that's been left on in the next room.  

If your preacher is preaching from a Dr. Suess book instead of a Bible contact this blog immediately.

If you or someone you love is in need of emergency preaching contact this blog immediately and ask for Bible-based, pretty good preaching in a hurry.  

PS - I'm the only Preacher I know of who has a flashing preaching light on my car.  I also make a pretty good siren noise by holdin' my nose and rollin' my tongue.  What can I say?  I'm good. 

As together we stand and sing.


BP

40 IS THE BIBLE-IEST NUMBER

This BlurchTM (blog-church) continues to amaze the entire world - most of all me.  

In all my years of Preaching and now, BleachingTM (blog-preaching), I have never seen such a BlurchTM with such consistent breaking of world records and expectations, almost on a semi-daily basis, as is done here at the SDP.  

Now I know what M&M must feel like like - if he was a Preacher instead of a...whatever he is.  

I'm talkin' about the rapper, not the candy.  Although I feel like I know what it's like to be a successful candy as well.  You'd be surprised how similar they are - rapping and candy.  Thus...candy wrappers.  Candy is complicated.  But I digress...

Believe it or not, you are at this very moment reading the FORTIETH consecutive posting of the Semi-Daily Preacher (SDP).  FORTY!

Success is so sweet...with a hint of coconut. 

Now I already know what you're thinking - 

40 days.
40 nights.
40 Tribes of Israel.
40 plagues.
Ali Ba Ba and the 40 thieves.  

It doesn't get much more Bibley than 40.  Except maybe 7... which we passed up 33 ago.  And everyone knows 33 is more of a highway number than a Bible number.  Which is why I didn't mention it when we passed 33.  Anyhow...

To celebrate this milestone I'd like to introduce a new feature to the SDP - with a little thing I like to call "GUEST BLEACHERTM OF THE WEEK".  

Why?  

1.) Because I'm out of bloomin' ideas.  And #2...

2.) I want to give you, the BlembersTM of this BlurchTM the opportunity to Bleach on any topic you'd like to, once a week.  And...#3...

3.) I'm out of ideas.

So in the comment section of this blog, write what you'd like to BleachTM on, maybe a short outline, what dog story you might use, favorite joke, or poem, and maybe the movie you'll be copying your sermon from.

Finally, include a brief rundown of your preaching experience, where you've preached before, number of times you've been fired, number of full immersion baptisms you've done, and from which Preacher School you've been booted.  

Then if it's good enough (or if I still don't have any ideas) YOU may be our first "GUEST BLEACHERTM OF THE WEEK"!!

How exciting.

Of course if it's REALLY good - I'll just steal it and BleachTM on it myself.; which is GREAT for me.  And what an honor for you!

I need an M&M.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

PS - To all my skeptics out there, here's a newsflash: I sold my Yugo Saturday.  Another satisfied fellow gas sniffer has hit the road!  Gidget was ecstatic.  She has her garden shed back.

THE STORY OF EASTER

There once was a small, plastic egg lying in the middle of a field.  Early one Sunday morning, the little egg began to move and shake.  Suddenly from out of the egg popped a sweet, little, white bunny surrounded in green, plastic, fake grass.  

As the bunny grew he became known throughout the whole forest as the sweetest bunny who ever lived.  He had a particular fondness for chocolate.  And kids. He was also one of the finest basket weavers in all the land.

Each spring the bunny would make hundreds of baskets filled with chocolate and candy and chocolate eggs, and scatter them throughout the forest in the hopes that children would find and collect the candy and chocolate and chocolate eggs and eat themselves silly as a way to welcome in the coming season.

Everyone loved the bunny.

One Spring, the bunny was out scattering the candy and chocolate eggs throughout the forest when an evil hunter shot the bunny dead right between his ears.  Then he wrapped the bunny in some fake, green, plastic grass and buried him in a plastic egg in the backyard.

The children were devastated.  And the people of the forest wondered if Spring would come without the gifts of the bunny.

Then 3 days later..the bunny arose from the dead...covered in chocolate, with delicious candy eyes and a bow between his ears.

One of the children doubted it was really the bunny come back to life, until he stuck his finger in  the hole still covered by the bow between the bunny's ears. 
After that, everything was cool.

And that little bunny's name...was Jesus.

Somethin' like that.

Honestly, Easter confuses the sap out of me.  

Happy Easter - eat a bunny.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

YUGO INTO ALL THE WORLD...

The Apostle Peter was a fisherman.  The Apostle Paul was a tent maker.  I sell stuff on Ebay.  Sometimes Craigslist.  

I think it's good for preachers to do stuff other than just preaching sometimes.  Keeps you in the "Loop of Life".  Helps you to relate to the common man.  And...can occasionally make you a few bucks on the side. 

Saturdays are big Craigslist days for me.  Today I'm selling my YUGO.

I LOVE my YUGO.  I feel like a Bible smuggler in it.  It  has a broken driver's side window, the passenger side window is knocked out, and there's a bullet hole in the windshield.

  Everywhere I drive it, people always give me a friendly look that says, "I wish I could help that guy." I wish they could too.  But not really.  I always choose sympathy over actual help. 

With each passing mile, my beloved Yugo gives off the slightly increasing aroma of gasoline, which some find disturbing.  I personally find it relaxing.  Sometimes I drive the long way home just to enjoy it longer.  Of course, if I drive TOO long it's hard to remember how to GET home.

It sounds like a weed-eater when it runs.  Take a listen - 

It was even in a movie once.  Which is how the window and windshield met their doom.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhHWbHaI4KE

Sigh...I love my YUGO.  I hope I can sell this piece of junk today.  

Then again,  perhaps the Lord has bigger plans for me.  Perhaps he wants me to be a YUGO seller...OF MEN.

And you thought this wasn't going anywhere.  Oh please...

What's that smell? 

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BP's ARK

Whenever it rains "crazy" several days in a row like it has  here, I like to pretend I'm Noah. 

This is not unusual for me.  I often pretend to be Bible characters depending on the weather. When it's really hot, I'm Moses in the desert.  In "the fall" I'm always Adam... POST-Garden of Eden time (I did it "Garden of Eden time" once, went to Home Depot for some gardening tools then realized, I didn't want to get out of the car).  

In the winter, there aren't a LOT of good Bible character choices, so I usually just go with Jeremiah Johnson and call it good.  The prophet Jeremiah in Utah.  

Frog season I'm always Pharaoh.  Anyhow...

In the rain, I'm Noah.  Which basically means, I put on my bathrobe and sandals, lock up all the doors and windows of my house (except for ONE tiny window in the attic), and then fill the house with all the animals I can trap and stuff into my living room.

Needless to say, the insights I have received from this exercise have been life changing!  I may never preach on Noah the same again.  Here are just a few of my observations - 

1.) Animals you lock in your house are hard on rugs.  It's amazing how quickly you come to appreciate the specific challenges faced by Noah sharing an ARK with a bunch of wild animals when you are sharing your HOUSE with a horse, three flyin' squirrels, 2 geese and a raccoon. Let's just say there is not enough "Pet Spray Carpet Cleaner" in the world to keep up. 

Which brings me to my second valuable insight - 

2.) One tiny attic window does NOT make for ample ark ventilation.  See item #1.  I mean it is SO not enough ventilation.  It'll make your head spin - my eyes are still burning.

3.) Geese and raccoons are NOT good playmates.  Raccoons are kinda mean when they get hungry.  And Geese have a pretty nasty bite considering they don't have any teeth.   But surprisingly, in a fight between a goose and a raccoon, put your money on the goose.

4.) After 2 days, flying squirrels begin to look an awful lot like rats with wings.

And finally - 

5.) MRS. Noah is not the team player I thought she was.  We all have our limits.  For Gidget, its her carpets.  She  ALSO has a pretty nasty bite.  In a fight between a goose and Gidget, put your money on Gidget.

And you thought you KNEW the story of Noah. 

Sure makes me understand a little bit more why he got drunk after he got off that ark.  I got rid of MY animals yesterday and I'm having a strong urge for a Nyquil nap and some cookies.  After I throw out the rugs, of course.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

I FEEL LIKE A SERMON BUT LOOK LIKE A PREACHER

Sometimes I wake up so filled with creative preaching power I have no choice but to immediately unload it onto an unsuspecting world.  THIS is one of those mornings.  And YOU are that world.  I wish I was you right now, and could experience what you are about to experience.  You're so lucky.  I, on the other hand...am but a simple Preacher/servant...with more talent than I know what to do with.  Strap in.

S is for the SONGS before it

E is ESTHER, hard to find

R, RICCOLA on my pulpit

M is MINISTER, hard to rhyme 

O, I OFFER the invitation

N, though NO ONE'S dunked this time

Y?  We may never really know.  I blame them, the sermon's fine.

SERMONY, SERMONY in my bones

I feel SERMONY rain or shine

SERMONY, SERMONY, where's my phone? 

I feel SERMONY all the time.

Powerful Poem.


Powerful...blah blah blah.  Whatever.

As together we stand and sing.


BP

BLEACHER BOY VS THE WOLFMAN

Yesterday, The Wolfman left a comment regarding my fabulous blermonTM on "Bible Talk For Modern Times"  that I should probably respond to.  

I think I just dangled my participle there.  Sorry 'bout that.  I hate when that happens.  It's embarrassing.  Like leaving underwear on the clothesline.  Anyhow, The Wolfman writes:

Some words you have to be careful of using that are in the Bible, 

as expressed in the previous discussions on Balaam 

and his "posterior equination of transportation". 

One example of this is 1 Kings 21:21 in the KJV- 

check it out and make a few comments on that, bleacher boy.

Awooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (Ouch) 

  
First off, I absolutely LOVE being called "Bleacher Boy".  Makes me think I'm some sort of a super hero.  

"Bleacher Boy VS The Magic PEW-tred!"  

"The baptistry's overflowing!  

Bleacher Boy, where are you?!"  

Somethin' like that. The t-shirts would be fantastic. I know that.

But back to The Wolfman's intriguing comment. He is clearly referring here to the verse in I Kings where disaster is promised to be brought down on those who expel their bladders on walls.  

It's not a topic you hear preached EVERY morning in pulpits across the country, this is true.  But I have NO trouble discussing it here, or any other verse.  After all, it is IN the Bible and it's no secret that for centuries, people (particularly college guys) have been known to emulate this verse from time to time.  Particularly on game days.

I will admit, it's not a HUGE problem where I live, but if it WAS, I would support the Biblical example here in I Kings and bring down serious disaster on anyone who felt the need to do that on any walls of mine.  That goes for my front yard too.  

And they REALLY don't wanna mess with Gidget.  Once she gets started on 'em, she really has no off switch.  It's not pretty. 

So, case close.  Bible closed.  I'm moving on.  Preachin' is easy.

I think the bigger question here is one we have brought up before in regard to The Wolfman.  "What in the world is he dropping on himself at the end of his comments?"  Once again, he ends his comment this time with these disturbing words:

"Awooooooooooooooooooo!  (Ouch)."

The Wolfman worries me.  If he keeps this self-destructive behavior up, there won't be enough left of him to leave his in-depth comments.  If only there was some kind of a preaching-super-hero-blogging-guy around who could save The Wolfman from himself.  

Well, maybe there is...just maybe...there is...

"Look!  Up by the Pulpit!  

It's a Preacher!  

It's a Blogger!  

It's...BLEACHER BOY!"

I LOVE  that. I wonder if Gidget knows anything about making t-shirts?

As together we stand and sing.

BP

BIBLE TALK FOR MODERN TIMES

In Genesis 18:9 the Bible says -

And they said unto him, 

Where is Sarah thy wife?

And he said, Behold, in the tent.

Judges 1:2 says this -

And the LORD said, 

Judah shall go up: behold, 

I have delivered the land into his hand.

Finally, we read in Matthew 24:25 -

Behold, I have told you before.

Three different verses.

Three different topics.

All with one thing in common: BEHOLD.  

I LOVE the word behold.  I use it all the time just walkin' around town.  Makes me sound like I'm from Bible times.  And Amish.  Either way, it tends to freak people out just a little bit.  Which I love.  

You say, "But Preacher, why would you wanna freak people out?"

Are we not called to be a peculiar people, and fools for Christ?  What better way to DO that than to talk Bible talk in modern times?  Well, I've freaked people out in a MILLION other and BETTER ways, but I won't get into that here.  

Let's start slow.  Let's start with the power of...BEHOLD.

For example, every time I go to the Post Office I tell the guy -

"Behold, as I have said thrice afore times unto this, behold I do NOT need any more stamps for mine packages!"

Or maybe to Gidget I'll say- 

"For behold it is unto day, I will arise and do mine work out." 

Or maybe - 

"Behold, here is pizza!  What doth hinder me from arising and eatting?!"  (Answer: Gidget).

Here's a tricky one - 

"Behold this for me while I get the keys."

"Behold my be-bible 'tis be-bopen! I shall be-bleach to the bultitudes, and be-no one can be-bop me!"

The great thing about this particular Bible word is that it works in almost ANY situation, AND...it is IN the Bible!  So people can't give you grief for using it.  

"Behold, get off my be-back!  I'm talkin' Bible talk!"

So I will be beholden to no man for using the word behold, behold.

Let's all talk some Bible talk today.  Shake things up a little.  Start freakin' people out.  For behold, it's the least we can do.

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

IT'S MONDAY - I'M SORRY

Well, here we go again - Monday morning.  I'm sorry.

(SIGH)

It's the end of the weekend.  The beginning of the work week.  With any luck, the rain should kick in soon, or maybe a late April winter storm.  Anything to make Monday more "joyous and exciting". 

Remember back three days ago, when you were just leaving work?  Oh, man.  That was a great time.  Back then it was FRIDAY night!  You picked up some White Castle on the way home and turned up your ABBA tapes.  "Take A Chance On Me" was blarin' from your speakers and you were dancin' in your car, eattin' hamburgers like a maniac.  

The weekend had arrived, and you deserved it!  What a wonderful feeling that was!

And wasn't it a wonderful weekend?    So relaxing, so rejuvenating, so..."weekendy".  

Good.  Glad you enjoyed all that.  Because it's all over now.  

Why?  

Because NOW is MONDAY.  And Monday STINKS.

Now it's time to get with it, strap in, get serious.  Time to start the coffee, eat some bacon and bring home some more bacon.  

Monday is when things get done, bills get paid and nations are built.  Monday is the beginning of a long, tough, lousy week.  There is no "hump" to Monday, it's all uphill.  It is the bottom of the mountain looking up and there's just no way around it. 

Monday stinks.  But at least, we're all in the same boat.

Well...YOU'RE all in the same boat.  

I'm a Preacher.  Monday's are MY day off.  The only boat I'm in, I'm fishin' out of.

I LOVE Mondays. 

I hate to say this but, there is NO better time to go see a movie than Monday morning.  No lines.  No people.  No kids.  Everybody at the popcorn counter knows me by name and gives me free refills on whatever I want.  

Though I won't see a movie today.  Too cold and rainy.  I sleep in when it's cold and rainy and Monday.   Stay in bed and watch The Three Stooges on my computer.  

And all that bacon talk has got me in the mood to just lie here and watch the Stooges while I suck the fat out of some bacon that Gidget will bring me later.  


ABBA is such happy music.  I'm playing it right now.  More people like them than let on.

THAT is Monday to ME.

That's Monday to a PREACHER.

I hope that didn't come out wrong.  Sounds a little braggy when I read those last lines out loud.  

Oh well, who cares?  Nobody was givin' me any love yesterday when I was preachin' on the weekend.  Serves you right. 

Have a GREAT day!

As together we stand and sing.

BP

The Power of Poetry #1

Sunday morning, the paper comes

A cup of coffee, the crossword’s done

No work, no school, no silly tests

So yawn and fart, and scratch and rest

Watch some sports, and eat some candy

Play some X-box in your jammies

 “Behold the blue bird on her perch!”

Quit messin’ around and get to CHURCH! 

Brother Preacher, 2011

As together we stand and sing

BP

The Mailbag: Why Unicorns Are Not Goats and Other Answers

Well BlurchTM, today marks our 31st consecutive post!  Who knew I could type so many words all in a row like that? 

Today we have 26 followers, over 4,000 page views, literally tens of tens of readers from around the world.  I am, as the Greeks would say,  "aston-e-mon-e-my" - ASTONISHED!


Naturally, I have to thank YOU, the readers of this blog.  The commenters.  Gidget.  A blog with out all of you is just me typing...alone...in my bed...then reading it back to myself.  

But WITH you...well it's pretty much the same thing I guess...I'm STILL typing in my bed...oh, never mind.

Over the course of this first official month, I have not been the ONLY one dispensing wonderful nuggets of knowledge.  So today, I wanna share with you what some of our renegade band of commenters have been saying in this award-winning, semi-global blog.

For example, when I was talking about manna, Deacon Giff had this delicious suggestion:

Try the manna with some cheese whiz. Amazing!

Now that's a new one on me.  Of course, I've had cheese whiz on MATZOS for years, even served it at parties - people love it.  One time I squirted some on matzos DURING communion - of course, I was later fired for it.  But it tasted GREAT!  

You've never seen so many people want communion than the day you squirt cheese whiz on matzos and put a little seltzer in the grape juice.  Anyhow, manna...here I come.


RC had these watchful words for all preachers:

I do love the story about Baalam's talking ass (and it is so fun to say that during a Ladies Bible class and watch them get flustered just before they draw out their concealed carried weapons).

I MOST respect RC for having the conviction to use the Biblical name for Balaam's steed in a LBC, instead of a watered down, PC version.  Such courage.  I've been disfellowshipped for less.

 

LarryN had these important words we should ALL hear...

BP, those of us members of your blongregationTM  have noticed something strange about you.  No, seriously, I'm wondering why you haven't bleached about giving yet?  Why not set up a Paypal link for members of your blog to share in your blinistry?

This is such a fantastic comment for so many reasons.  For one, I love the whole "paypal/make money/get some dough in here" idea.  Who wouldn't?  

 

And secondly..."blinistryTM" and "blongregationTM" are just too dang fun to say. 

 

Dawn had this message...

Never had that problem in church or blurchTM...

my pastor was a total nutjob 

and was usually "right on the mark" with his messages.

I couldn't agree more.  Which reminds me, where have all the "nutjob" preachers gone?  Some say to the blogosphere.  

 

Scott said this when talking about pews:

"Thanks for the business tip! I've already got a call in to La-Z-Boy to pitch the idea for a La-Z-Pew! "

 

I'm first in line.

Odessa had a troubling comment...

"guffaw, guffaw; gesundheit my child, gesundheit!"

I'm not sure what all those words mean.  No doubt Odessa is one of our readers from Germany.  I hope she's alright.  "Guffaw" looks like it hurts.


As many of you know, I was in a rather heated debate a couple of days ago with one of my mouthier commenters, aesaint, over the nature of goats and rhinos in the Bible.   

After thwarting her many times with my superior Biblical knowledge and debating skills, she left one final snide remark asserting that the "floating goat of Isaiah" was actually a unicorn.  She writes...

Wait, it FLOATS, it has a horn between it's eyes AND 

everyone knows that goats love corn SO THEREFORE 

it's a UNICORN!!! Obviously........  

This chick just wears me out.  Clearly she's never read Psalms 29:6 - 

He maketh them also to skip like a calf; 

Lebanon and Sirion like a young unicorn.

I have no idea what this has to do with anything, but it mentions unicorns and I'm hoping it confuses aesaint long enough for me to make my escape.

Finally, Mukara said this...

you are the funniest guy in the universe. 

thank you for making me laugh til i p....in my pants.

Like I've always said, "If this blog can make just ONE person pee in their pants..."

As together we stand and sing.

BP 

Gidget - 1, Preacher - 0

I punched Gidget in the eye last night.

I didn't mean to.  I love Gidget.  She's a wonderful, intelligent, funny, woman who apparently can take a pretty good punch.  As wives go, she's pretty stout.  And I mean that in the best sense.  She's like a Weeble.  She can wobble but she won't pass out!


Lucky for me she did not retaliate.  Well, she tried to, but I'm pretty fast.


It happened while we were in bed sleeping.  I was in the middle of having my nightly nightmare where I find myself surrounded by a bunch of demanding Elders, creepy Worship Leaders and this mouthy, little punk Youth Minister from Colorado, all buggin' me about how my sermon series on Balaam's Talkin' Donkey is scaring the kids.


Between you and me, it's a GREAT series and if it scares the kids I really couldn't care less.  Talkin' Donkeys are cool, and kids bug me.


Anyhow, in the dream things get pretty heated, and eventually  we all start swingin' at each other.  Then I throw some communion cups at them, which really makes 'em mad. So they grab me and start tryin' to drown me in the baptistery.  That's usually about the time I wake up in a cold sweat, covered in grape juice.


But last night, instead of throwing the communion cups, I did this cool, kinda Kung Fu back-handed slap move thingy, right at that mouthy, little, punk Youth Minister's face.  And SMACK!  Got him RIGHT in the head!


Which unfortunately, was connected to Gidget's eye.


It is what we in the boxing world refer to as "a real shiner", "a meat maker", "ugly".  She looks like a very dainty version of the last scene of "ROCKY" where he's all bloody and sweatin' and slobberin', yellin'  "Adrian!"  Only Gidget's yelling at me and cryin' using words I didn't know she knew.


You say "Preacher, where is all this goin'?"


Very simply.  Proverbs 21:9 says,

"It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, 

than with a brawling woman in a wide house."

And Proverbs 21:19,

"It is better to dwell in the wilderness, 

than with a contentious and an angry woman."

I have never written a blog from a rooftop in the wilderness before, but it's not as bad as you think.  What I did NOT know was that I had an extension cord that would reach this far.  So I got THAT goin' for me.

Note to self: next time bring granola.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Bible Flip Scrip #2

Well, it's time once again for another edition of Bible Flip Scrip(ture)TM, where I just flip the pages on my Bible then stick my finger randomly into a section, then preach on whatever scripture my finger lands on.  

I LOVE Bible Flip Scrip. Saves time figuring out what to BleachTM on.  And if I draw little pictures on the edges of the pages WHILE I'm flippin', it makes a little cartoon - which I love.  Anyhow, here we go.  

So I'll just flip the pages on my Bible here.  

I'm flipping...and finger...and...BOOM!  Fantastic.

Today's Bible Flip ScripTM comes to us from Psalms 104:18 where we read:
 

"The high hills are a refuge for the wild goats; 

and the rocks for the conies."

What in the world?  

Well, here is yet another example of "Bible Verses Joel Olsteen Will Never Touch".   

Lemme tell ya, preachin's not for wimps.  It takes a REAL Preacher to do "Bible Flip Scrip" on a wacky verse like this.  Doesn't scare me though.  I'll preach on anything.  One time, I preached on Splenda.  Anyhow... 

You say, "Preacher, what in the WORLD is a CONY?"

You're not gonna believe this, but that was EXACTLY what I was thinkin' just NOW. 

There's not a LOT we know about the Cony of the Bible.  What we DO know is that there was usually more than one of 'em, and they liked to hide in rocks, usually near a goat.  

Eventually the Cony left Israel and settled near what is now New York City, on the Island of Cony.  There they established a wonderful amusement park and a delicious snack known today as the Cony Dog.  

Sadly, the Cony Cat is lost to history.  Probably didn't make the boat ride over.  Cats hate water, as you know.  And aren't too crazy about roller coasters either.  

On the other hand, I think we're all pretty clear on what a GOAT is.  And the fact that in this verse they're hidin' up in the hills makes sense considering the fact that absolutley EVERY other verse you read in the Bible about goats, has them gettin' killed or slaughtered for some dang sacrifice!  

I'm serious!  I DEFY you to find a HAPPY goat verse!

Poor little goat.  Bet he wishes he was a Cony.  

I know I do.  I LOVE roller coasters.  And hot dogs. 

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Thought Of The Day #2

"I wonder if manna tastes anything like oatmeal?"

I hope so.  I love oatmeal.

I would've made a good Israelite.  

'Cause I'd never complain about the manna.  

As long as it tasted like oatmeal.  

I'd just wander around the desert 

and eat my oatmeal 

and keep my mouth shut.

Of course, if it tasted like calamari I'd be in trouble.

Moses woulda had his hands full with me then. 

I HATE calamari.  

Let's just say this: 

if manna tasted like calamari 

I'd be one complaining, 

lost in the desert Israelite.  

So thank goodness manna tastes like oatmeal.  

At least I hope it does.

I think I'll have some oatmeal for breakfast.

Unless we have still have some manna leftover.

Quail?  No thanks.  Too bony.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

MY WIFE'S A THIEF!

In I Thessalonians 5:2 the Apostle Paul writes,

"For yourselves know perfectly 

that the day of the Lord so cometh 

as a thief in the night." 

 

In this verse, Paul reminds us that the Lord will come again "like a thief in the night", implying that we therefore need to be ready at all times for his return.

 

This is also true of wives.  Who've been away on trips to see their families.  And are coming home sometime today. 

Specifically, this is true of MY wife, Gidget.  Who is flying home today after a week at her father's house.  

 

Oh, what a wonderful time this would be for me to be organized!  Imagine, if I was organized right now, I could go to wherever her flight information is, read it,  and then go pick her up.  Easy.

 

Sadly, I am NOT organized - so I am doomed.

 

You say, "Preacher, just call her on the phone and ask her when she's coming in."

 

Listen, if I call and ask Gidget her flight information again she will immediately begin to yell and cry and accuse me of never loving her.  It's a whole mess I'd rather avoid, thanks just the same.  I hate it when Gidget cries.  She starts to hiccup snot.  It's not a good time for either of us.

 

The only option left to me now is to get up and go sit at the airport all day today till she shows up.  I'll need lots quarters for the vending machines.  

 

The problem is, as many of you know, I have been in a Nyquil stupor the last 2 days and have awakened to find not only is my head still filled with liquid gunk, but our house has been completely destroyed by the Nyquil elves.  It is a TRAIN WRECK in here.

 

This will not fly with Gidget.  When she left, the house looked like we were trying to sell it.  Pristine, beautiful.  Now, it looks like a replica of  the final scene of "Animal House" or maybe "Gone With The Wind."  

 

I don't know what happened.  Well, I KNOW what happened.  Me on NYQUIL happened.  

 

There are used Puffs stacked up in every corner, soup cans on the dresser, clothes and socks on the steps and in the vaporizer.  I've got honey covered Uno cards in the refrigerator.  

 

I found an entire game of RISK going on under the covers of my bed. 

 

I shaved I think last Thursday, so I look like Og the Caveman.  Smell like him too.   Gidget will love that.  I am a picture of true Cassanova-nis.  The dry cough is cute too.

Nyquil is nasty stuff!  Stay in School!  I feel terrible.  Who are you?  Who am I?  Huh?

 

I've gotta get cleaned up, get this house cleaned and get to the airport in about an hour and try to save my marriage.  I'd be there by now but I had to write this blog.  

 

Such dedication!  Such professionalism.

 

I'm an idiot.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

The Plague and Puffs

Whenever I can, I like to  find a verse in the Bible that pertains to whatever it is I'm going through at any particular point in time.  Obviously, there are times in life when this can be a bit of a challenge.  

For example, I've never found a verse that talks about eating Lucky Charms,  or loving to watch cartoons; two BIGGIES for me.  

On the other hand, I've never killed a giant or set a nation free from bondage in Egypt; though if I ever do, at least I'll know where to find it in the Bible.

So it can be tough.

Which is why you can imagine my delight when this morning I stumbled upon  this verse from Psalm 73 which perfectly describes what I've been going through the last few days:

"For all the day long have I been plagued, 

and chastened every morning."

How exciting.  

 

Who knew that I would find a verse in the Bible that perfectly described my day yesterday as well as my morning today!?  

 

For yesterday, I WAS indeed "plagued all day long", as I spent literally hours sneezing, and snorting, and coughing up who knows what all, while my head was spinning, and my ears were ringing, as my Nyquil-addled mind took to me to realms only experienced by Alice of Wonderland fame.  

 

I think I was actually talking to a rabbit out in my yard at one point - hope I remembered my PJs.  I tell ya, Nyquil can do a number on ya if you take it during the day.

 

Then this morning I woke up feeling...even WORSE.  Or as they would say in Biblical times, "chastised".  Oh, what an honor to be chastened like David only with fever and congestion and eye gunk!  

 

What would normally make me feel sorry for myself and ask for prayers has only made me feel like a real live Bible character...who happens to be dying from a cold and too much Nyquil. 

 

Thank goodness I didn't read Job.  This little cold could've really gotten out of hand. 

 

Pass the Puffs.

As together we stand and sing.

BP

Church Service Survival #1

I'm not one of those preachers who doesn't understand the challenges of sitting in a pew.  

Pews can be tough to deal with.  Too hard, too soft, no reclining mechanism.  There's a reason why people don't put pews in their living room in front of the TV.

Depending on the pew, just getting through church can be a real challenge.  And depending on the Preacher you're listening to while sitting in that pew, the whole experience can border on abuse.  

Throw in some of those new-fangled church tunes where they sing "glory and praise, praise and honor and glory" 52 times in a row, and you are looking at the possibility and losing your mind entirely.  I think you might even have enough for a lawsuit.  I'm not sure who'd you sue, but I get on it if I were you.  You're NUTS!  Anyhow...

This is why it is so important to have survival techniques to get you through those particularly tough services.  For me, a "tough service" is any service in which I am not the one doing the preaching.  When I'm not the one preaching, I  get really bored and confused.  Sometimes that happens WHEN I'm preaching too but, not nearly as often.

So when I find myself having to endure a sermon where I know the guy is clearly making it up as he goes, or a song service that has a bass line impossible to find, I simply return to the mantra I have said to myself since the 90's.   It is an original poem I wrote  that has seen me through some tough, mind-numbing, intellectually draining services. It goes like this:

 
A song, a prayer
Some underwear
A sermon leaves you vexed
The only way to get through church
Text and text and text.

Brother Preacher

1998

Powerful words.

Powerful poem.

Funny underwear line.

I hope this helps you today as you try to get through someone else's sermon. Thank goodness I'm preaching today.

And together we stand and sing.

BP